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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by carriejane on October 7, 2004, at 12:02:09
My mum died when i was 5 and im 31 now, everything went tits up from then on. My father took my sis and bro with him and i went to abusive families, both of his brothers, and their wives n children. Anyway it all got worse after that but the fact was i never got to go to her funeral, i was never explained anything, then i learned my sis died at age 8 which made space for me at my dads where he was living with his mum.
I became a runaway because of his alcoholism, and violence, thru foster/childrens home.
My problem is I still havent accepted my mothers death, i still feel childlike in my understanding of it. I cant. She just disapeared and no one helped me. i acted pout i supose, got into trouble.
I know deep inside im still searching for my mum, and it breaks my heart that it is all so impossible, and so unfair. I could almost walk up to someone in the street and plead for them to be her. Ive used drugs all my life to fill my gap, and pain not really knowing that was what i was doing. Now i do. I dont know how to come to terms with it. Ive had bereavement counselling for a while, i wrote a few letters and she said thats it then.
Didnt help me .
I feel weird because it ws so long ago but it never left me and i know i would be happy if she had lived. Id feel complete, acceptable and know that i belonged.
Carrie
Posted by Jai Narayan on October 7, 2004, at 15:21:20
In reply to Never allowed to grieve, posted by carriejane on October 7, 2004, at 12:02:09
All I can say is, get a really great therapist and do EMDR then look at your life. You are a great candidate for recovery.
Oh honey I am so sorry that this happened to you.
I send you mother love.
Remember, even though it may seem untrue, you are special and loveable.
We here at Babble celebrate your existance.
Take care.
Jai
Posted by TomV on October 7, 2004, at 15:47:25
In reply to Never allowed to grieve, posted by carriejane on October 7, 2004, at 12:02:09
It's kind of funny. There are a lot of parallels in our lives. My differences are that I did experiment with drugs, but because they tended to make my depersonalization disorder worse I pushed them away. I also didn't have a terrible childhood; it was very confusing at times and painful because of the anxiety disorders I developed, but for the most part I flourished, in spite of it all. But my adulthood is a different matter. Like you, I searched for my parent for a while, all along knowing it was impossible to bring him back. In the end, it's become a painful search for myself. Losing one's "self" is about the most confusing journey one can undertake.
I also had grief counseling. I too feel weird because it was so long ago, and my sisters and my wife and some friends can't understand what I'm going through. I don't feel complete either, knowing things would have turned out very different if he had lived.
Please take care.
Tom
Posted by Shar on October 7, 2004, at 23:30:08
In reply to Re: Never allowed to grieve » carriejane, posted by TomV on October 7, 2004, at 15:47:25
Carriejane--
I cannot relate to all of your story. Only that feeling 'lost' is one of the most awful things that a person can experience.I don't have many suggestions or solutions, only that being here can be a good place to be. You can talk to other folks, express your feelings, talk about what's troubling you, and so forth.
You are still young, and may yet have a good chance for a satisfying life. I hope you will keep 'working on' this issue!
Take good care,
Shar
Posted by fayeroe on October 8, 2004, at 22:07:23
In reply to Re: Never allowed to grieve, posted by Shar on October 7, 2004, at 23:30:08
I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time now. I don't know that I know how to help you, but if you'll keep coming here and talking to us, I do think that will help. Try to find another therapist and continue to write. xoxo Pat
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