![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by karen_kay on August 9, 2004, at 5:51:02
someone reminds me of my mother. i recognize, of course, that this person reminds me of my mother. (geez, i hope that i'm not doing the old 'finger pointing' as i hate to sound that way. forgive me if i do come across that way, as i honestly don't mean to and really would never hope to sound that way)
anyway, for some reason, i'm able to recognize similar traits that remind me of previous conflicts, but only in one particular poster (btw, i do recognize these traits everyday, and in real life, such as in my sister and so forth, but it never bothers me to the extent that it does here on the board). i think i do a great job controlling it, but i also notice i'm very obviously cold in my own way towards this particular poster. is this something you can help me with (or should i talk to a therapist? :)
in other words, is it better to just keep my mouth shut and feel bad for being cold, like i feel i am, but not run the risk of blowing up, like i could very well run the risk of doing (by thinking in my own head 'hey, this could be your mother, go ahead, let her have it...')
OR....
play nice, but if i get hurt, unleash vengence like i would as if this person was my mother (which would be bound to happen) and that would be bad...wowsa!
should i even be asking you this? hmmmm....
thank you dear, (even if you say 'what in the world are you talking about?')
kk
Posted by Kali Munro on August 9, 2004, at 21:39:27
In reply to miss kali, if you please..., posted by karen_kay on August 9, 2004, at 5:51:02
>>>>>someone reminds me of my mother. i recognize, of course, that this person reminds me of my mother. <<<<<<
How wonderful that you recognize that! Your awareness is helping you to not take your anger out on this person.
>>>>>(geez, i hope that i'm not doing the old 'finger pointing' as i hate to sound that way. forgive me if i do come across that way, as i honestly don't mean to and really would never hope to sound that way)<<<<<<<<You don't sound that way at all. You sound self aware and insightful.
>>>>anyway, for some reason, i'm able to recognize similar traits that remind me of previous conflicts, but only in one particular poster (btw, i do recognize these traits everyday, and in real life, such as in my sister and so forth, but it never bothers me to the extent that it does here on the board). <<<<<<<<<That's interesting that it bothers you more on the board than it does elsewhere -- perhaps that's due to the difference between online versus face-to face interactions. Maybe, because this is a group setting and/or doesn't have facial/body language cues, it can trigger your (and others') family issues more?
>>>>>i think i do a great job controlling it, but i also notice i'm very obviously cold in my own way towards this particular poster. is this something you can help me with (or should i talk to a therapist? :)<<<<<<Well, you are talking to a therapist about it. :) But, if you have a therapist you might want to talk to her/him about it. That's a good place to talk these kind of things out. But, it sounds like you may not have a therapist so here is fine.
<<<<<<in other words, is it better to just keep my mouth shut and feel bad for being cold, like i feel i am, but not run the risk of blowing up, like i could very well run the risk of doing (by thinking in my own head 'hey, this could be your mother, go ahead, let her have it...')
OR....
play nice, but if i get hurt, unleash vengence like i would as if this person was my mother (which would be bound to happen) and that would be bad...wowsa!<<<<<<<<<
Wowsa is right! :) I don't think you need to play nice; I don't think that will help. I doubt the person really is your mother, so that's something you may need to remind yourself. Your mantra could be "this person is not my mother, this person is not my mother, this person is not my mother..."It might help to write out two lists: one describing your mother, and the other describing this person and compare them -- hopefully there'll be differences you can remind yourself of!
Another thing that can help is to notice how you feel inside when you read this person's posts. Say you feel angry, ask yourself what does this remind you of? So, you think about the times your mother angered you and you focus on that instead of the poster. You may even need to post about your anger toward your mother. You could say that you feel triggered right now, and you feel angry at your mother, and you need to talk about it. Because, while you might feel a little anger toward this person, likely the intensity of your anger is for your mother and it would help to focus your anger on your mother instead of the poster.
<<<<<should i even be asking you this? hmmmm....<<<<<<
It fits in perfectly with the subject of conflict resolution. So many of conflicts have our triggers in the middle of them. Identifying your triggers and dealing positively with them really helps to avoid conflicts. And it's better than sitting on them, or playing nice.
<<<<<<thank you dear, (even if you say 'what in the world are you talking about?')
kk >>>>>>>You're welcome, and thanks for asking. :)
Kali
Posted by karen_kay on August 10, 2004, at 8:08:36
In reply to Re: miss kali, if you please..., posted by Kali Munro on August 9, 2004, at 21:39:27
you've been so very helpful. beyond helpful actually. and i think i've figured out even more the 'why'.
thank you again! (can i get your home number in case i need you in the future? :)
oh, and what about boy troubles? can you help with that too?
thank you X100!!!!! and have a marvelous day!!!!!
Posted by Kali Munro on August 10, 2004, at 19:31:13
In reply to thank you dear..., posted by karen_kay on August 10, 2004, at 8:08:36
>>>> you've been so very helpful. beyond helpful actually. and i think i've figured out even more the 'why'.
thank you again! (can i get your home number in case i need you in the future? :)
oh, and what about boy troubles? can you help with that too?
thank you X100!!!!! and have a marvelous day!!!!! <<<<<
LOL! You are very funny!!I'm glad my response helped.
All the best,
Kali
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Administration | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.