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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Maxime on October 3, 2005, at 11:12:40
I'm just getting worse. I don't know how much worse I can get. I don't think there is such thing as rock bottom. I think it's an endless black hole where you keep falling and falling and things just get blacker and there is nothing to grab onto.
Maxime
Posted by Ilene on October 3, 2005, at 13:15:14
In reply to Getting Worse, posted by Maxime on October 3, 2005, at 11:12:40
I know the feeling. I had a tough time last week. I'm functioning a little better today, but now I'm afraid that any progress I've made is illusory and I am going to continue sliding into the black pit. I called my pdoc and she started talking hospital. I don't want to do that again. I felt better when I was in--protected and without responsibilities--but it can be a revolving door. I had a lot of ECT last time I was in, and now I feel brain-damaged.
I.
Posted by ed_uk on October 3, 2005, at 13:49:13
In reply to Getting Worse, posted by Maxime on October 3, 2005, at 11:12:40
Dear M,
Now you've moved to a different part of Canada, is hospital an option?
Love Ed x
Posted by Maxime on October 3, 2005, at 16:53:33
In reply to Re: Getting Worse » Maxime, posted by Ilene on October 3, 2005, at 13:15:14
I agree with you. It is like a revolving door. And when you leave it can be really scary.
Can you tell me more about your experiences with ECT? You can post it here or babble mail me. I have some questions for you.
I hope you start to feel better soon *HUGS*
Maxime
> I know the feeling. I had a tough time last week. I'm functioning a little better today, but now I'm afraid that any progress I've made is illusory and I am going to continue sliding into the black pit. I called my pdoc and she started talking hospital. I don't want to do that again. I felt better when I was in--protected and without responsibilities--but it can be a revolving door. I had a lot of ECT last time I was in, and now I feel brain-damaged.
>
> I.
Posted by Maxime on October 3, 2005, at 17:01:52
In reply to Re: Getting Worse » Maxime, posted by ed_uk on October 3, 2005, at 13:49:13
Hey Ed. I don't know what the bed situation is like here. There are two hospitals that I know of. I should ask Link.
But what will going into the hospital accomplish? Okay, it will keep me safe while I am there but what about after I leave? There are no more meds for me to try at this point. My mom would be very upset if I went into the hospital. I am not sure if they would accept my Quebec medicare card either.
Sigh.
xoxo
Maxie
> Dear M,
>
> Now you've moved to a different part of Canada, is hospital an option?
>
> Love Ed x
Posted by Phillipa on October 3, 2005, at 18:16:08
In reply to Re: Getting Worse » ed_uk, posted by Maxime on October 3, 2005, at 17:01:52
Maxie I know the feeling. And today when I called the PA to tell him my anxiety was worse. The nurse called back and said resperidol. Of course I said no way. Then she said zyprexa and again I said no way. Down at the beach they are so afraid of meds that they're even holding seminar on drug abuse. And the front page of the newspaper yesterday was a Doc being jailed for Rxing and giving family member .5xanax and some codeine cough syrup. It's unbelievable the mentality. So I see my real pdoc on Wednesday wonder what she'll say? And I wonder if the build up of disappointment is a very real contributing factor. And the hospital may keep you safe but the condencending attitude of the staff make it so hard. And you're stripped of your identity. It shouldn't be this way. The only way I'd ever go again is if they had good theraphy and the ones here don't. So what are you going to do? I'd love to hear you were riding your bike or hiking again. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by Ilene on October 3, 2005, at 19:55:26
In reply to Re: Getting Worse » Ilene, posted by Maxime on October 3, 2005, at 16:53:33
I started having ECT last Fall when I was in the hospital. I stayed about 7 weeks, although I have very little memory of it. The ECT continued on an outpatient basis for several more weeks. Then I took a break and later re-started. I don't know how many treatments I got, but it was definitely above average. I finally said "no more" some time last Spring.
They gave me something called a PIC line because my veins are small and I'm hard to stick for anesthesia. (I actually like the feeling of going under.) I had a couple of problems w/ the anesthesia--feeling paralyzed or extremely cold--but most of the time it was in and out. Having the PIC line made it inconvenient to shower, but it was better than having a needle stick.
The experience was kind of mundane. You go in the early morning w/out breakfast. You have to be w/ someone who will drive you home. You don't even take off your clothes. The nurses help get you set up (blood pressure, heart rate, etc.) then you get knocked out. I got headaches afterwards and slept most of the rest of the day.
However, the ECT didn't help me, my memory isn't coming back, and I feel stupid and slowed down. I would be able to handle the memory loss better if I weren't so depressed, and it's possible the dumb feeling is due to the depression. Either way, I'm worse off.
OTOH, I know that some people have had good results. They may even be the majority.
I.
Posted by Maxime on October 3, 2005, at 20:17:49
In reply to Re: Getting Worse » Maxime, posted by Phillipa on October 3, 2005, at 18:16:08
Phillipa, I recommeded Risperdal to you. I think it would help with your fears and anxiety. It doesn't knock you out like Seroquel. You could take a small dose and still be very alert. I think it's worth a try.
Just my 2 cents.
Maxie
> Maxie I know the feeling. And today when I called the PA to tell him my anxiety was worse. The nurse called back and said resperidol. Of course I said no way. Then she said zyprexa and again I said no way. Down at the beach they are so afraid of meds that they're even holding seminar on drug abuse. And the front page of the newspaper yesterday was a Doc being jailed for Rxing and giving family member .5xanax and some codeine cough syrup. It's unbelievable the mentality. So I see my real pdoc on Wednesday wonder what she'll say? And I wonder if the build up of disappointment is a very real contributing factor. And the hospital may keep you safe but the condencending attitude of the staff make it so hard. And you're stripped of your identity. It shouldn't be this way. The only way I'd ever go again is if they had good theraphy and the ones here don't. So what are you going to do? I'd love to hear you were riding your bike or hiking again. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by iforgotmypassword on October 3, 2005, at 21:56:33
In reply to Re: ECT » Maxime, posted by Ilene on October 3, 2005, at 19:55:26
> However, the ECT didn't help me, my memory isn't coming back, and I feel stupid and slowed down. I would be able to handle the memory loss better if I weren't so depressed, and it's possible the dumb feeling is due to the depression. Either way, I'm worse off.
oh god. :( i'm sorry. was this bitemporal, bifrontal or unilateral? what dose was it? have you tried taking an anticholinisterase inhibitor? i'm sorry if this is a stupid idea but i read a case report of donepezil coadmistered with ECT and absolutely no cognitive/memory impairment was experienced... maybe it could help after the fact?
oh god, ive been thinking about ECT so much, but i don't think i'll find anyone who will give it to me. i really don't know if i care if i forget my whole life anymore, i'm sorry it had to happen to you. :( it always seems to happen like this.
Posted by Ilene on October 3, 2005, at 22:48:38
In reply to Re: ECT, posted by iforgotmypassword on October 3, 2005, at 21:56:33
> oh god. :( i'm sorry. was this bitemporal, bifrontal or unilateral? what dose was it? have you tried taking an anticholinisterase inhibitor? i'm sorry if this is a stupid idea but i read a case report of donepezil coadmistered with ECT and absolutely no cognitive/memory impairment was experienced... maybe it could help after the fact?
>
I don't know what kind it was. AFAIK, the only thing I got with it was anesthesia, although once I got IV caffeine(!)> oh god, ive been thinking about ECT so much, but i don't think i'll find anyone who will give it to me. i really don't know if i care if i forget my whole life anymore, i'm sorry it had to happen to you. :( it always seems to happen like this.
There are some complete gaps in my memory and some hazy parts. I am also more forgetful and easily distracted. I've forgotten things I used to know, and I can't remember words when I'm talking.
I.
Posted by Sarah T. on October 3, 2005, at 23:56:13
In reply to Getting Worse, posted by Maxime on October 3, 2005, at 11:12:40
Hi Maxime,
Do your depressions have a seasonal variation? Do you have seasonal affective disorder (SAD)? The days are getting shorter, and I can see a difference in my mood already. Although the weather is still fairly warm, there isn't enough light. Have you ever tried a lightbox?
S.
Posted by Maxime on October 3, 2005, at 23:59:50
In reply to Re: ECT » Maxime, posted by Ilene on October 3, 2005, at 19:55:26
Thanks for telling me about your experience. I know ect can work for some people, but I hear more about memory than anything else. And it doesn't seem to be temporary. It really does scare me and only because of the memory loss.
Thanks again. Take care of yourself.
Maxime
> I started having ECT last Fall when I was in the hospital. I stayed about 7 weeks, although I have very little memory of it. The ECT continued on an outpatient basis for several more weeks. Then I took a break and later re-started. I don't know how many treatments I got, but it was definitely above average. I finally said "no more" some time last Spring.
>
> They gave me something called a PIC line because my veins are small and I'm hard to stick for anesthesia. (I actually like the feeling of going under.) I had a couple of problems w/ the anesthesia--feeling paralyzed or extremely cold--but most of the time it was in and out. Having the PIC line made it inconvenient to shower, but it was better than having a needle stick.
>
> The experience was kind of mundane. You go in the early morning w/out breakfast. You have to be w/ someone who will drive you home. You don't even take off your clothes. The nurses help get you set up (blood pressure, heart rate, etc.) then you get knocked out. I got headaches afterwards and slept most of the rest of the day.
>
> However, the ECT didn't help me, my memory isn't coming back, and I feel stupid and slowed down. I would be able to handle the memory loss better if I weren't so depressed, and it's possible the dumb feeling is due to the depression. Either way, I'm worse off.
>
> OTOH, I know that some people have had good results. They may even be the majority.
>
> I.
>
>
Posted by Maxime on October 4, 2005, at 10:20:11
In reply to Re: Question for Maxime » Maxime, posted by Sarah T. on October 3, 2005, at 23:56:13
No it doesn't have seasonal variation. I have never tried a lightbox ... they are really expensive.
But those are good questions. :-)
Maxie
> Hi Maxime,
>
> Do your depressions have a seasonal variation? Do you have seasonal affective disorder (SAD)? The days are getting shorter, and I can see a difference in my mood already. Although the weather is still fairly warm, there isn't enough light. Have you ever tried a lightbox?
>
> S.
Posted by 4WD on October 4, 2005, at 21:38:59
In reply to Getting Worse, posted by Maxime on October 3, 2005, at 11:12:40
> I'm just getting worse. I don't know how much worse I can get. I don't think there is such thing as rock bottom. I think it's an endless black hole where you keep falling and falling and things just get blacker and there is nothing to grab onto.
>
> MaximeMaxime,
Are you still on Parnate/Klonopin? Is there any possibility the Klonopin is causing an increase in depression? I know you need a benzo but have you considered switching to one with less of a rep for causing depression or of lowering the dose?
You have my deep sympathy.
Marsha
Posted by maxime on October 5, 2005, at 11:16:48
In reply to Re: Getting Worse » Maxime, posted by 4WD on October 4, 2005, at 21:38:59
Hi, yes, I am still taking those meds plus Trileptal. I have started to reduce my klonopin. I am down from 4 mg to 3.5 mg. I know it doesn't sound like much but it takes time. It will take me about a year to FULLY come off the Klonopin ... if I am still here.
Maxie
> Maxime,
>
> Are you still on Parnate/Klonopin? Is there any possibility the Klonopin is causing an increase in depression? I know you need a benzo but have you considered switching to one with less of a rep for causing depression or of lowering the dose?
>
> You have my deep sympathy.
>
>
> Marsha
>
Posted by Emme on October 5, 2005, at 12:04:44
In reply to Re: Getting Worse, posted by maxime on October 5, 2005, at 11:16:48
Maxime,
I'm sorry you're still feeling horrible.> if I am still here.
I certainly hope you are.
There was a thread on the alternative board about using light boxes for depression that is not seasonal. They are pricey, but it might be worth a peek on e-bay. I hope you start to feel better soon.
emme
Posted by Maxime on October 6, 2005, at 19:29:40
In reply to Re: Getting Worse, posted by Emme on October 5, 2005, at 12:04:44
Thanks Emme. But I can't afford one of those light boxes right now. Maybe one day ...
Maxime
Posted by 4wd on October 8, 2005, at 22:44:10
In reply to Re: Getting Worse » Emme, posted by Maxime on October 6, 2005, at 19:29:40
> Thanks Emme. But I can't afford one of those light boxes right now. Maybe one day ...
>
> MaximeMaxime,
I am very worried about you. Can you possibly go to a hospital, tell them you are suicidal, have no money and ask to be treated/admitted? Are there any large teaching hospitals anywhere within driving distance of you? Please find it in yourself to get some help. We care about you deeply.
Marsha
This is the end of the thread.
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