![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 30. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by linkadge on January 28, 2005, at 18:59:08
I just can't explain the symptoms I am having.
Every second I am alive I want to kill myself.
It just never ends. Never, nomatter what I try to do.
I am so messed up. No doctor can help. Nothing works. I am more hopless than I have ever been.
I think I have had a stroke. I think I have had a seizure.
It is just a matter of time. I am just waiting for the right time.
My arms legs and face is tingling. I can't read a sentence. I am in hell, and it just won't end.
There is no point to being alive.
The psychiatrist I was about to see posponed my appointment for another month.No docotor cares. All the doctors leave it up to me, but no doctor seems to understand that I can't do it.
I have a horrible sinking feeling all day long. There is a lump in my throat all day long.
I can't sleep, and I don't eat.
My face looks like a skeleton. I have lost many pounds. Muscles in my arms legs, and face twich all day long.
I am cold, and in pain. I weep bitterly untill my nose bleeds and my eyes burn. It still doesn't stop. I feel like somebody is pusing me. Sometimes my head turns to the side and it gets stuck like that an I can't move it for hours.
My vision periodically goes black and sometimes red. I don't know who I am.I have trouble swallowing. My hands and feet are cold all day long. I have chest pains, and diareah every day.
I fear everthing.
I just want to die. Every day it gets worse.
I cannot blink my eyes properly for some reason.Why does nobody want to help me? Why does no docotor say, I will see you as often as you need till you get better ? Why do the docotors see me for 5 minautes and send me away? Is this all there is? Why does the hospital leave me lying there all day? Why does going to the hopsital make me more hopless?
There is no point to even be posting here. Words can only help so much. I am only 21, and God hates me so much. He won't lift a finger to help. Not a single finger. Why does he not care for me?
What have I done wrong. Why can't I just die.
Linkadge
Posted by Guy on January 28, 2005, at 19:24:21
In reply to SO suicidal, posted by linkadge on January 28, 2005, at 18:59:08
Have you tried Zyprexa? It will definitely help you sleep, and in most people, it has a calming effect. I have been brought back from the brink by this drug many times. It's very expensive, but worth it if you are feeling desperate. Finally, keep in mind that you have had good days, and these are possible again with the right medication. Hang in there.
Guy
Posted by ghost on January 28, 2005, at 19:57:55
In reply to SO suicidal, posted by linkadge on January 28, 2005, at 18:59:08
hang in there... i know it all seems pointless and for nothing right now. but even in dark, the light has to start somewhere. if that makes sense. it sounds like you need to find a better doctor... i wish one could read your post. maybe you should bring it in to one... or fax it to one... maybe they'd take you seriously then.
hang in there. nothing lasts forever.
ghost
Posted by Lazarus on January 28, 2005, at 20:19:58
In reply to SO suicidal, posted by linkadge on January 28, 2005, at 18:59:08
Believe me, I have been then, in fact very recently (a week ago).
I immediately started taking 50 mg of Lamictal, and my depression is lifting. I was ORDERED by my psychiatrist to take it, and he was right.
Lazarus
Posted by Colleen D. on January 28, 2005, at 20:28:40
In reply to SO suicidal, posted by linkadge on January 28, 2005, at 18:59:08
I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling like this...what a nightmare. Can you go to ER and bring a copy of your post with you??? Like now???
Hugs,
Colleen
Posted by Phillipa on January 28, 2005, at 21:05:31
In reply to Re: SO suicidal » linkadge, posted by Colleen D. on January 28, 2005, at 20:28:40
Oh Linkage, I cry for you my adopted son. I was hoping you would be doing better since you are back at school. Did you not feel well enough to return? "Babble" me if you can. Fondly Phillipa
Posted by sabre on January 28, 2005, at 21:10:51
In reply to SO suicidal, posted by linkadge on January 28, 2005, at 18:59:08
Linkadge, that would have to be the most moving posts I have read on Babble. I'm sorry you are feeling so low.
I agree with Colleen. Take a copy of your post to your GP or emergency.
Perhaps if you could focus on one aspect of your problems e.g. regaining some weight it might help you with other problems like cold extremities and diarrhoea. This could give you more strength to fight the other problems.
You write like a poet. What do you do through the day?
sabre
Posted by Maxime on January 28, 2005, at 21:59:15
In reply to SO suicidal, posted by linkadge on January 28, 2005, at 18:59:08
((( Linkadge ))) I know they are only cyber hugs but the thoughts is there.You just posted something very similiar to what I was going to post.
I can't explain why things are the way they are. Why some of us can't seem to get the meds we need or ones that work well with our brain chemistry.
God, you have to get yourself admitted to the hospital. Maybe what you are going through is psychiatrict ... maybe it's not. I am not going to start guessing at what it might be, but go to the hospital as soon as possible. Please. Remember how good you felt a while back? You can feel that way again.
And God isn't punishing you. You haven't done anything wrong.
Please ask someone for help.
Maxime
> I just can't explain the symptoms I am having.
>
> Every second I am alive I want to kill myself.
>
> It just never ends. Never, nomatter what I try to do.
>
> I am so messed up. No doctor can help. Nothing works. I am more hopless than I have ever been.
>
> I think I have had a stroke. I think I have had a seizure.
>
> It is just a matter of time. I am just waiting for the right time.
>
> My arms legs and face is tingling. I can't read a sentence. I am in hell, and it just won't end.
>
> There is no point to being alive.
>
>
> The psychiatrist I was about to see posponed my appointment for another month.
>
> No docotor cares. All the doctors leave it up to me, but no doctor seems to understand that I can't do it.
>
> I have a horrible sinking feeling all day long. There is a lump in my throat all day long.
>
> I can't sleep, and I don't eat.
>
> My face looks like a skeleton. I have lost many pounds. Muscles in my arms legs, and face twich all day long.
>
> I am cold, and in pain. I weep bitterly untill my nose bleeds and my eyes burn. It still doesn't stop. I feel like somebody is pusing me. Sometimes my head turns to the side and it gets stuck like that an I can't move it for hours.
>
>
> My vision periodically goes black and sometimes red. I don't know who I am.
>
> I have trouble swallowing. My hands and feet are cold all day long. I have chest pains, and diareah every day.
>
> I fear everthing.
>
> I just want to die. Every day it gets worse.
> I cannot blink my eyes properly for some reason.
>
> Why does nobody want to help me? Why does no docotor say, I will see you as often as you need till you get better ? Why do the docotors see me for 5 minautes and send me away? Is this all there is? Why does the hospital leave me lying there all day? Why does going to the hopsital make me more hopless?
>
> There is no point to even be posting here. Words can only help so much. I am only 21, and God hates me so much. He won't lift a finger to help. Not a single finger. Why does he not care for me?
> What have I done wrong. Why can't I just die.
>
>
>
>
> Linkadge
>
Posted by banga on January 28, 2005, at 22:16:40
In reply to Re: SO suicidal » linkadge, posted by Maxime on January 28, 2005, at 21:59:15
It breaks my heart that you are in such pain. I am so glad you wrote here, many don't understand what it can be like, but here people do. Try, try to remember one moment in your past that you felt good.....you can get there again, in time, please get yourself some help now--get them to understand how painful it is right now, hold on for a better day....
Posted by Maximus on January 29, 2005, at 0:20:15
In reply to SO suicidal, posted by linkadge on January 28, 2005, at 18:59:08
What do you want to hear exactly? Truth or complaisance? Yes, you seem to be very very depressed. You think you hit the end, but there is no end, and you can still fall deeper...
Go to the Emergency if you can not take it anymore, they will take care of you. Hospitalization is your friend. Compliance is your ticket to recover your own sanity, so stop to play with your meds. There is a life beyond your obsessions.
By all mean i do sympathise with you.
So what did you want to hear?
Posted by emme on January 29, 2005, at 1:03:09
In reply to SO suicidal, posted by linkadge on January 28, 2005, at 18:59:08
I am so sorry you are in such horrifying agony. I can understand why you might not want to go to the hospital if it's made you feel depressed in the past. But your situation sounds terrible and the hospital is your best option at the moment. Like as in right now. You describe so many frightening physical symptoms - like head sticking and vision problems - that it makes me think that you need some really comprehensive medical care. At the very least, you need someone to help you get some sleep and to eat. You don't deserve such misery and we really really really don't want you to die.
Posted by man_oh_man1977 on January 29, 2005, at 3:24:57
In reply to Re: SO suicidal » linkadge, posted by emme on January 29, 2005, at 1:03:09
Linkdage,
It's been ages since I've visited here and this place always manages to give me solace and comfort. I know you mentioned that words don't really help at this point, and I know precisely what you mean. However, this board isn't just about words. It's about community as well... A community of like-minded individuals who are brought together because we share a *very* special bond. 3 years ago, I suffered through such similar circumstances that it stung to read your post. But I feel compelled to write, because I *did* survive. Linkdage, your mind is playing tricks on you, causing you both emotional anguish and intense physical sensations. Fortunately, a drug like Zyprexa (mentioned by the first replier) could really work wonders for you. Try not to focus on the people that don't care, like the dr.'s you've seen, and have faith that there are people that *do* care, even if we are concealed in cyberspace. You will find a doctor that does care, and my friend, God doesn't hate you. To wrap it up: you're very bright (I've gotten a lot of insight from your past posts), very mature and very sensitive. That means you've got a good head on your shoulders. So, get some immediate help, and remember, your intelligence and the like will pull you through. And, if you still feel as if you can't make it... please post again... HTH
Regards,
Man Oh Man (Jon)
Posted by rod on January 29, 2005, at 5:34:37
In reply to SO suicidal, posted by linkadge on January 28, 2005, at 18:59:08
I'm sorry things dont go well for you.
> I just can't explain the symptoms I am having.But you doctor already told you that you have a siezure problem too. Have you ever taken an antiepileptic drug AS ORDERED for lets say 2-3 months? I have also expereinced cognitive probelms with Lamictal, but these went away after some weeks. Maybe you should stick it out.
> Every second I am alive I want to kill myself.
>
> It just never ends. Never, nomatter what I try to do.
>
> I am so messed up. No doctor can help. Nothing works. I am more hopless than I have ever been.
>I a wondering about a special thing. You said you have shivers, twitches etc. which may stand for serotonin syndrome like symptoms, but you still eat tryptophan rich food etc. and also take melatonin, which you said might be responsible for this. Why dont you stop taking these supplements?? I get severely depressed if I take Tryptophan... for example. Well, yes, tryptophan is neccesarry to make the SSRIs work, but I doubt you are tryptophan depleted. Just try to stop it. Take the drugs as ordered.
> I think I have had a stroke. I think I have had a seizure.
>probably.
> It is just a matter of time. I am just waiting for the right time.
>
> My arms legs and face is tingling. I can't read a sentence. I am in hell, and it just won't end.
>just an example:
" A jacksonian seizure is a partial seizure characterized by tingling, stiffening,
or jerking of an arm or leg."
http://www.healthatoz.com/healthatoz/Atoz/ency/seizure_disorder.jsp
> There is no point to being alive.
>
>
> The psychiatrist I was about to see posponed my appointment for another month.
>Maybe he knows you dont take the drugs as ordered? I guess he wants you to stick it out with the drugs he prescribed.
> No docotor cares. All the doctors leave it up to me, but no doctor seems to understand that I can't do it.
>Sure they care. But there is nothing else to do for them other than diagnose and prescribe drugs and wait.
> I have a horrible sinking feeling all day long. There is a lump in my throat all day long.
>
> I can't sleep, and I don't eat.
>
> My face looks like a skeleton. I have lost many pounds. Muscles in my arms legs, and face twich all day long.
>
> I am cold, and in pain. I weep bitterly untill my nose bleeds and my eyes burn. It still doesn't stop. I feel like somebody is pusing me. Sometimes my head turns to the side and it gets stuck like that an I can't move it for hours.
>
>
> My vision periodically goes black and sometimes red. I don't know who I am.
>
> I have trouble swallowing. My hands and feet are cold all day long. I have chest pains, and diareah every day.
>
> I fear everthing.
>
> I just want to die. Every day it gets worse.
> I cannot blink my eyes properly for some reason.
>
> Why does nobody want to help me? Why does no docotor say, I will see you as often as you need till you get better ? Why do the docotors see me for 5 minautes and send me away? Is this all there is? Why does the hospital leave me lying there all day? Why does going to the hopsital make me more hopless?
>Sure they want to help you.
Do you think I really can get worse than this, if you trust your doc and let him/her take over? I dont know, but as a viewer from outside, I think to see you are getting nowhere with the way you are doing now.
> There is no point to even be posting here. Words can only help so much. I am only 21, and God hates me so much. He won't lift a finger to help. Not a single finger. Why does he not care for me?
> What have I done wrong. Why can't I just die.
>
>
>
>
> Linkadge
>And might I ask which drugs (+supps) you are taking now?
I really dont want to offend you, but I think you should trust your do a little more. And the fact you expereince some paranoia isnt really supportive for this approach....
anyway.
There is nothing else I can do other than give you some "new" ideas... a view from the outside...
I really hope you will find the right stuff for you...
take care
Roland
Posted by SLS on January 29, 2005, at 8:06:22
In reply to SO suicidal, posted by linkadge on January 28, 2005, at 18:59:08
> I just can't explain the symptoms I am having.
Some feelings are beyond words to describe. You do a good job of it, though.
> Every second I am alive I want to kill myself.
I guess I will be forced to believe you because you say it is so, but there is such life and vitality in so many of your posts. You are working too hard to get well. It is difficult to believe that you are in a suicidal state while you are doing so much reading, writing, and processing.
I do believe you, though. I was your age and depressed not so long ago. I do remember it. At such an age, there is an intensity to most every experience. I think it is this youthful intensity that drives your mind to shift into an either/or polarity.
> It just never ends.
> Never, nomatter what I try to do.
It has just not ended yet.You might need to adjust your expectations as to how long it could take for you to reach a state of wellness that you find rewarding. I think you might want to start thinking in terms of years rather than weeks or months. This might be more realistic given the protracted rate at which drug trials can run and the number of permutations of treament to explore. To think in terms of weeks might cause you to end many, many trials prematurely.
To think in terms of weeks and months is bound to bring you to a point of frustration often. As young as you are, and as intense as is your mind, this frustration might translate into fits of parasuicide.
> I am so messed up.
I know it must feel that way.
> No doctor can help.
I doubt that. Find new doctors. They do exist. Just remember that with any doctor, the plan of attack might require patience and compliance on your part.
> Nothing works.
Not yet.
> I am more hopless than I have ever been.
I'm sorry to hear this. What is it about this time that makes it worse than the others?
> I think I have had a stroke. I think I have had a seizure.
These are not rational conclusions. What are your reasons for believing these things? Perhaps it is just the frustration yelling out loud. I don't think so, though. As much as your depressed affect and the cognitive distortions it produces might contribute to these thoughts, I think something else is going on there that can probably be best addressed through cognitive psychotherapy.
> It is just a matter of time.
EXACTLY! Your getting well is just a matter of time.
> I am just waiting for the right time.
You are actively seeking biopsyciatric treatments that will inevitably bring you wellness when the time is right. The right time is waiting for you. Don't waste it.
> My arms legs and face is tingling.
Have you any ideas as to what is causing this? Do you think it might be a somatic reaction to the incredible stress you are now experiencing?
> I can't read a sentence.
Then I got you beat! I can get through three.
> I am in hell, and it just won't end.
We each have our own hells that are the absolute worst that we can ever know. However, time and chemistry on your side to make sure it will end. I just can't promise you when..
> There is no point to being alive.
Q: What is the meaning of life?
A: Life is its own meaning.
You can do whatever you want with yours, Linkadge. You can kill yourself. You have this right as a human being as far as I'm concerned. But if you do, it all ends. Your consciousness just disappears. Linkadge disappears. My recommendation is that you wait until you are at least past the age 34 before reaching this decision.
> The psychiatrist I was about to see posponed my appointment for another month.
Perhaps telling the secretary the truth - that you are suicidal - will get you the help now that you urgently need. I bet your doctor would be pissed at the both of you were you not to be brought in much sooner were he to know this. If not, I would recommend finding another doctor who can manage a case load that offers you the help you need. I don't know. Perhaps this guy is the brilliant one who will get you well, and it is in your best interests to suffer in the meantime. Actually, you might not need so much brilliance and notoriety in a doctor for you to find the right combination of pharmacotherapy and psychotherapy. See if you can find someone that you connect with because it might indeed take more than a year or two to get it right.
> No docotor cares.
This is not true.
But you really do know that what you said is not true. You are just frustrated.
> All the doctors leave it up to me, but no doctor seems to understand that I can't do it.
It might be time to give over some of the control to the doctor. Of course, you have to find the right one first. The knowledge you have accumulated will act as a powerful tool to do this. It is at least as important for you to interview the doctor as it is for him to interview you.
> I have a horrible sinking feeling all day long. There is a lump in my throat all day long.
That's the suicidality you are fighting. If you reduce the anxiety, you will reduce the suicidality and begin thinking a bit more positively and realistically. Do whatever you can to treat the anxiety for now. There's nothing wrong with using benzodiazepines if you have them handy. Otherwise, I recommend Zyprexa.
> I can't sleep, and I don't eat.
> My face looks like a skeleton. I have lost many pounds. Muscles in my arms legs, and face twich all day long.
> I am cold, and in pain. I weep bitterly untill my nose bleeds and my eyes burn. It still doesn't stop. I feel like somebody is pusing me. Sometimes my head turns to the side and it gets stuck like that an I can't move it for hours.
> My vision periodically goes black and sometimes red. I don't know who I am.> I have trouble swallowing. My hands and feet are cold all day long. I have chest pains, and diareah every day.
> I fear everthing.
> I just want to die. Every day it gets worse.
> I cannot blink my eyes properly for some reason.
You are suicidal.
I also think that you might be pathologically obsessive, and that this comorbid condition is what helps drive the suicidality. I think it is a personality thing and not a psychobioligical thing. (SLS is not a doctor).
> Why does nobody want to help me?
Because I have nothing better to do at the moment.
> Why does no docotor say, I will see you as often as you need till you get better ?
The next time you interview a doctor, ask him this question. Find out in advance how often he can see you if an urgency develops.
> Why do the docotors see me for 5 minautes and send me away?
Now THAT is sick. Get thee to another doctor. They should spend an absolute minimum of 15-30 minutes with you once you are beyond the diagnostic phase.
> Is this all there is? Why does the hospital leave me lying there all day? Why does going to the hopsital make me more hopless?
> There is no point to even be posting here.Of course there is.
Now you've gone and ferreted out my true motives for "helping" you. I really don't give a darn about you, Linkadge, I just want you to keep posting because of the brilliance you have shown so that maybe *I* can benefit from you and get well. There are others here who look to you for the information, guidence, and warmth you provide.
> Words can only help so much.
I know. I wish I had the right ones, though.
> I am only 21,
Intense, isn't it. I know.
> and God hates me so much.
Since you know so much about the Mind of God, perhaps you can tell me if he hates me too.
> He won't lift a finger to help. Not a single finger. Why does he not care for me?
Please ask him for me too. I deserve better than this. I am a better person than this. I don't deserve to live this hell.
Please ask him. He hasn't yet told me why I was chosen.
For now, make your anxiety your immediate target and see if you can find something to hit it with. Then you can just rest for awhile. You need to rest.
> What have I done wrong.
I'm pretty sure that's not what God is about. I doubt you have done anything wrong.
> Why can't I just die.
Of course you will die - just not today.
Once or twice I've asked, "Am I going to die, doctor?" Inevitably, he says, "Of course not!". I then ask, "What medical school did *you* go to. Of course I'm going to die!"
- Scott
PS - I don't have the energy to proofread this, so if I've said something to make you feel worse, it's probably just a typo.:-)
Posted by celticmom on January 29, 2005, at 9:22:13
In reply to SO suicidal, posted by linkadge on January 28, 2005, at 18:59:08
Linkadge sweetie - please listen to everyone. It WILL get better. You are just in a dark period now. Page your pdoc - tell him what you are thinking. If you can't reach him - go immediately to the ER. And doctors CAN help - it just sounds like you might need to find a better one. Do you have family you can call? They can help you get over the hump.
Don't let the moment engulf you. You are ONLY 21 - things will get better. You just need to take it one day at a time!
Posted by bruin on January 29, 2005, at 11:51:10
In reply to SO suicidal, posted by linkadge on January 28, 2005, at 18:59:08
One night a man had a dream.
He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand:
one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him
he looked back, at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life
there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it: "LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."
The LORD replied:
"My son, My precious child, I love you and I would never leave you, During your times of trial and suffering,
when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."> I just can't explain the symptoms I am having.
>
> Every second I am alive I want to kill myself.
>
> It just never ends. Never, nomatter what I try to do.
>
> I am so messed up. No doctor can help. Nothing works. I am more hopless than I have ever been.
>
> I think I have had a stroke. I think I have had a seizure.
>
> It is just a matter of time. I am just waiting for the right time.
>
> My arms legs and face is tingling. I can't read a sentence. I am in hell, and it just won't end.
>
> There is no point to being alive.
>
>
> The psychiatrist I was about to see posponed my appointment for another month.
>
> No docotor cares. All the doctors leave it up to me, but no doctor seems to understand that I can't do it.
>
> I have a horrible sinking feeling all day long. There is a lump in my throat all day long.
>
> I can't sleep, and I don't eat.
>
> My face looks like a skeleton. I have lost many pounds. Muscles in my arms legs, and face twich all day long.
>
> I am cold, and in pain. I weep bitterly untill my nose bleeds and my eyes burn. It still doesn't stop. I feel like somebody is pusing me. Sometimes my head turns to the side and it gets stuck like that an I can't move it for hours.
>
>
> My vision periodically goes black and sometimes red. I don't know who I am.
>
> I have trouble swallowing. My hands and feet are cold all day long. I have chest pains, and diareah every day.
>
> I fear everthing.
>
> I just want to die. Every day it gets worse.
> I cannot blink my eyes properly for some reason.
>
> Why does nobody want to help me? Why does no docotor say, I will see you as often as you need till you get better ? Why do the docotors see me for 5 minautes and send me away? Is this all there is? Why does the hospital leave me lying there all day? Why does going to the hopsital make me more hopless?
>
> There is no point to even be posting here. Words can only help so much. I am only 21, and God hates me so much. He won't lift a finger to help. Not a single finger. Why does he not care for me?
> What have I done wrong. Why can't I just die.
>
>
>
>
> Linkadge
>
Posted by SLS on January 29, 2005, at 12:50:12
In reply to Re: SO suicidal, posted by bruin on January 29, 2005, at 11:51:10
Thanks for this. It put a smile on my face. Very nice.
- Scott> One night a man had a dream.
>
>
> He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the LORD.
> Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
>
>
> For each scene, he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand:
> one belonging to him, and the other to the LORD.
>
>
> When the last scene of his life flashed before him
> he looked back, at the footprints in the sand.
> He noticed that many times along the path of his life
> there was only one set of footprints.
>
>
> He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of his life.
>
>
> This really bothered him and he questioned the LORD about it: "LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you,
> you'd walk with me all the way.
>
>
> But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me."
>
>
> The LORD replied:
>
>
> "My son, My precious child, I love you and I would never leave you, During your times of trial and suffering,
> when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
Posted by hope4best on January 29, 2005, at 15:10:02
In reply to SO suicidal, posted by linkadge on January 28, 2005, at 18:59:08
Oh,Linkadge....I haven't been on this board for a while and something made me come on here today and the first and only thing I read was your post. Maybe God brought me there. I think He wants me to tell you that He's sorry you haven't felt His support. He wants me to tell you that He loves you and He is proud of you. He has asked all of us here to respond to your post, and to tell you how important you are, and to please, please never give up. He also wanted me to tell you one of His favorite sayings: "If you're going through Hell, keep going!" Don't stop now Linkadge...you are on your way even if it doesn't always feel like it. I'm sending you lots of love and hopes for your peace today. ((((Linkadge))))
Posted by ed_uk on January 29, 2005, at 17:34:41
In reply to Re: SO suicidal » linkadge, posted by hope4best on January 29, 2005, at 15:10:02
Link,
Why don't you try a night of sleep deprivation, it seems to have helped you so much in the past? If you are worried about epilepsy, you could always ask for an EEG- surely it would help to reassure you.
Best Wishes,
Ed.
Posted by Spriggy on January 29, 2005, at 18:14:01
In reply to Re: SO suicidal, posted by ed_uk on January 29, 2005, at 17:34:41
I will pray for you.
Lord,
I pray right now that you touch linkadge right now. You know this person and see right where they are.
Give them peace, comfort, and bring about some relief quickly and answers.
Amen.
Posted by SLS on January 30, 2005, at 9:46:25
In reply to SO suicidal, posted by linkadge on January 28, 2005, at 18:59:08
OK Linkadge, now it's your turn.
You have had many people reach out to you in this thread. Do you have any thoughts or feelings you'd like to share?
At least let us know that you are still here with us.
Thanks.
- Scott
--------------------------------------------
> I just can't explain the symptoms I am having.Some feelings are beyond words to describe. You do a good job of it, though.
> Every second I am alive I want to kill myself.
I guess I will be forced to believe you because you say it is so, but there is such life and vitality in so many of your posts. You are working too hard to get well. It is difficult to believe that you are in a suicidal state while you are doing so much reading, writing, and processing.
I do believe you, though. I was your age and depressed not so long ago. I do remember it. At such an age, there is an intensity to most every experience. I think it is this youthful intensity that drives your mind to shift into an either/or polarity.
> It just never ends.
> Never, nomatter what I try to do.
It has just not ended yet.
You might need to adjust your expectations as to how long it could take for you to reach a state of wellness that you find rewarding. I think you might want to start thinking in terms of years rather than weeks or months. This might be more realistic given the protracted rate at which drug trials can run and the number of permutations of treament to explore. To think in terms of weeks might cause you to end many, many trials prematurely.
To think in terms of weeks and months is bound to bring you to a point of frustration often. As young as you are, and as intense as is your mind, this frustration might translate into fits of parasuicide.
> I am so messed up.
I know it must feel that way.
> No doctor can help.
I doubt that. Find new doctors. They do exist. Just remember that with any doctor, the plan of attack might require patience and compliance on your part.
> Nothing works.
Not yet.
> I am more hopless than I have ever been.
I'm sorry to hear this. What is it about this time that makes it worse than the others?
> I think I have had a stroke. I think I have had a seizure.
These are not rational conclusions. What are your reasons for believing these things? Perhaps it is just the frustration yelling out loud. I don't think so, though. As much as your depressed affect and the cognitive distortions it produces might contribute to these thoughts, I think something else is going on there that can probably be best addressed through cognitive psychotherapy.
> It is just a matter of time.
EXACTLY! Your getting well is just a matter of time.
> I am just waiting for the right time.
You are actively seeking biopsyciatric treatments that will inevitably bring you wellness when the time is right. The right time is waiting for you. Don't waste it.
> My arms legs and face is tingling.
Have you any ideas as to what is causing this? Do you think it might be a somatic reaction to the incredible stress you are now experiencing?
> I can't read a sentence.
Then I got you beat! I can get through three.
> I am in hell, and it just won't end.
We each have our own hells that are the absolute worst that we can ever know. However, time and chemistry on your side to make sure it will end. I just can't promise you when..
> There is no point to being alive.
Q: What is the meaning of life?
A: Life is its own meaning.
You can do whatever you want with yours, Linkadge. You can kill yourself. You have this right as a human being as far as I'm concerned. But if you do, it all ends. Your consciousness just disappears. Linkadge disappears. My recommendation is that you wait until you are at least past the age 34 before reaching this decision.
> The psychiatrist I was about to see posponed my appointment for another month.
Perhaps telling the secretary the truth - that you are suicidal - will get you the help now that you urgently need. I bet your doctor would be pissed at the both of you were you not to be brought in much sooner were he to know this. If not, I would recommend finding another doctor who can manage a case load that offers you the help you need. I don't know. Perhaps this guy is the brilliant one who will get you well, and it is in your best interests to suffer in the meantime. Actually, you might not need so much brilliance and notoriety in a doctor for you to find the right combination of pharmacotherapy and psychotherapy. See if you can find someone that you connect with because it might indeed take more than a year or two to get it right.
> No docotor cares.
This is not true.
But you really do know that what you said is not true. You are just frustrated.
> All the doctors leave it up to me, but no doctor seems to understand that I can't do it.
It might be time to give over some of the control to the doctor. Of course, you have to find the right one first. The knowledge you have accumulated will act as a powerful tool to do this. It is at least as important for you to interview the doctor as it is for him to interview you.
> I have a horrible sinking feeling all day long. There is a lump in my throat all day long.
That's the suicidality you are fighting. If you reduce the anxiety, you will reduce the suicidality and begin thinking a bit more positively and realistically. Do whatever you can to treat the anxiety for now. There's nothing wrong with using benzodiazepines if you have them handy. Otherwise, I recommend Zyprexa.
> I can't sleep, and I don't eat.
> My face looks like a skeleton. I have lost many pounds. Muscles in my arms legs, and face twich all day long.
> I am cold, and in pain. I weep bitterly untill my nose bleeds and my eyes burn. It still doesn't stop. I feel like somebody is pusing me. Sometimes my head turns to the side and it gets stuck like that an I can't move it for hours.
> My vision periodically goes black and sometimes red. I don't know who I am.
> I have trouble swallowing. My hands and feet are cold all day long. I have chest pains, and diareah every day.
> I fear everthing.
> I just want to die. Every day it gets worse.
> I cannot blink my eyes properly for some reason.
You are suicidal.
I also think that you might be pathologically obsessive, and that this comorbid condition is what helps drive the suicidality. I think it is a personality thing and not a psychobioligical thing. (SLS is not a doctor).
> Why does nobody want to help me?
Because I have nothing better to do at the moment.
> Why does no docotor say, I will see you as often as you need till you get better ?
The next time you interview a doctor, ask him this question. Find out in advance how often he can see you if an urgency develops.
> Why do the docotors see me for 5 minautes and send me away?
Now THAT is sick. Get thee to another doctor. They should spend an absolute minimum of 15-30 minutes with you once you are beyond the diagnostic phase.
> Is this all there is? Why does the hospital leave me lying there all day? Why does going to the hopsital make me more hopless?
> There is no point to even be posting here.
Of course there is.
Now you've gone and ferreted out my true motives for "helping" you. I really don't give a darn about you, Linkadge, I just want you to keep posting because of the brilliance you have shown so that maybe *I* can benefit from you and get well. There are others here who look to you for the information, guidence, and warmth you provide.
> Words can only help so much.
I know. I wish I had the right ones, though.
> I am only 21,
Intense, isn't it. I know.
> and God hates me so much.
Since you know so much about the Mind of God, perhaps you can tell me if he hates me too.
> He won't lift a finger to help. Not a single finger. Why does he not care for me?
Please ask him for me too. I deserve better than this. I am a better person than this. I don't deserve to live this hell.
Please ask him. He hasn't yet told me why I was chosen.
For now, make your anxiety your immediate target and see if you can find something to hit it with. Then you can just rest for awhile. You need to rest.
> What have I done wrong.
I'm pretty sure that's not what God is about. I doubt you have done anything wrong.
> Why can't I just die.
Of course you will die - just not today.
Once or twice I've asked, "Am I going to die, doctor?" Inevitably, he says, "Of course not!". I then ask, "What medical school did *you* go to. Of course I'm going to die!"
- Scott
PS - I don't have the energy to proofread this, so if I've said something to make you feel worse, it's probably just a typo.:-)
Posted by linkadge on January 30, 2005, at 13:46:17
In reply to Linkadge - Now it's your turn... » linkadge, posted by SLS on January 30, 2005, at 9:46:25
Its all very kind, and I thank you for your concern, but I don't know how to ease the pain.
If I go to the hospital, then I forfit this semester as well, as last semester. It will certainly make the depression worse, like did the last hospital visit.
Linkadge
Posted by emme on January 30, 2005, at 14:26:12
In reply to Re: Linkadge - Now it's your turn..., posted by linkadge on January 30, 2005, at 13:46:17
How come you'd forfeit last semester? Do you have incompletes left over?
You'd have to forfeit this semester for even, say, a weeks' hospital stay to get you through the worst? Does your school have anyone in the administration whose job it is to help students in crisis to deal with academic issues? Or a peer counseling service that could help you deal with logistics?
Can your instructors work out a plan to get you notes and allow you to try to get some work done if you can't make it to all your classes for a while? If your present state continues and you don't get more aggressive treatment, I'd worry you may not be able to keep up with academics.
Are there any options for an intensive day program that might allow you to make it to at least some of your classes? Just a few thoughts. You are resourceful.
I can understand it would be depressing for you to lose more school. But if it comes to it, two lost semesters are minor if your life's in danger. Glad you wrote back.
em
> Its all very kind, and I thank you for your concern, but I don't know how to ease the pain.
>
> If I go to the hospital, then I forfit this semester as well, as last semester. It will certainly make the depression worse, like did the last hospital visit.
>
> Linkadge
>
>
>
>
>
>Eve
Posted by jen2 on January 30, 2005, at 14:37:56
In reply to Re: Linkadge - Now it's your turn... » linkadge, posted by emme on January 30, 2005, at 14:26:12
> I can understand it would be depressing for you to lose more school. But if it comes to it, two lost semesters are minor if your life's in danger. Glad you wrote back.
I agree. Two lost semesters are not worth worrying about if you're feeling this bad. It took me a long time to face up to this myself. I've come to the conclusion that, if I have to go to school for an extra term or two - if I have to go to the counselling centre and get them to work out some do-able logistics for me - if I have to go to my advisor and have them "know" - then that's what I have to do in order to get through. White-knuckling it through your days and feeling like you're going to die is not worth it for two semesters.
Jen
Posted by SLS on January 30, 2005, at 14:47:13
In reply to Re: Linkadge - Now it's your turn..., posted by linkadge on January 30, 2005, at 13:46:17
Hi Linkadge.
Thanks for checking in.
Zyprexa can be a "suicide buster" for some people. Your use of it might only need be temporary, but it is better than nothing at all right now. It possesses anxiolytic and antidepressant effects in addition to its antipsychotic action. It might help you avoid hospitalization.
In any event, it is good to see that you are still around.
- Scott
> Its all very kind, and I thank you for your concern, but I don't know how to ease the pain.
> If I go to the hospital, then I forfit this semester as well, as last semester. It will certainly make the depression worse, like did the last hospital visit.
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