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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wayne on April 4, 2004, at 9:15:18
This girl and me started dating about 2yrs ago. It was nothing serious, we both were just looking for a good time and we laughed for hours on the phone. At the time I was also dating other girls, not sleeping with them, but just getting to know them better and things like that nature. My ex and me began hooking up about 1 month after we met, it was very harmless and it reminded me of the girl I had dated for about five years before this. I kept telling myself this was just a rebound, and that I wasn’t into this girl, and that this would probably last only a month at the most. One month became 3, and she popped the question to me asking me if we were ever going to be more than just dating. It took me by surprise, and told her I would have to think about it cause like I said I was just in a long relationship before.
Things between us kept getting better, so I decided that I wanted to only be with her and be "boyfriend-girlfriend". For the first 8 months things were pretty rocky, we argued a lot, but we both had a burning passion for each other that made us look past anything. I finally stopped convincing myself that I just liked this girl and took it upon myself to tell her that I was falling in love with her. Things were still rocky with us arguing, but the relationship itself was the best, so much affection, so much time we spent together, the sincerity of the love making, everything was fine besides the arguing.
Fast forward now to my birthday night, I haven’t had a drink in about a month, and for me that was a big deal. I invited her to come with me to a bar, all my friends were going to be there and it was going to be a blast. I prewarned her that I didn’t want to get into any dumb arguments, and that the alcohol would probably instigate something especially cause we were going to get so drunk. Well the night went pretty smoothly until I got home. We were both so drunk, and my phone rings about 3 am. Right off the bat she gets pissed and starts yelling at me. I tried to show her who called me but she wouldn’t listen to me cause she was so pissed. I grabbed her arm and was like calm down, it was just one of my friends and that’s when she just flipped out. She started punching me and then pushed me in my face. I reacted and pushed her back in her face twice, I didn’t even realize how stupid I was for doing that I should have just grabbed her arms or just walked away, but I didn’t. I can’t believe in that one second that I reacted, it changed my whole life. She left me that night, saying that I hit her and that she doesn’t want to be with anybody like that. I didn’t hit her, I didn’t punch her I didn’t choke her, nothing like that at all. Our relationship never went in that direction and never would, but she is convinced that I went overboard and hit her and its probably going to happen again. I know that I would never hurt her, I love this girl so much I don’t think anybody can realize how much pain I am really in. She told me that she loves me so much and that she has strong feelings for me but she cant be with me cause of what happened. She doesn’t return my phone calls, or my emails, and I just saw her at a bar and her friends would not let her come and talk to me. I am so lost and hurt, cause everyone who knows me knows I am not like this and I am not ever going to be hitting girls especially anybody that I love. The reason why I hurt so bad is cause I am the reason for the end, how can I ask her back in my life cause I feel like she has to act tough in front of her friends otherwise they would look down on her.
Posted by shadows721 on April 4, 2004, at 15:38:29
In reply to i am lost and in pain, posted by wayne on April 4, 2004, at 9:15:18
It sounds to me that the sex is good, but the relationship is actually lacking. A good relationship doesn't involve all this arguing. It also seems like this girlfriend has issues of trust. She will never trust you completely. I suspect she has been burned before and never will forget it. She is going to make some guy pay for what happened to her. I wouldn't go back to someone that lies about my actions.
First, she hit you. That is just as wrong in the eyes of the law as if you hit her. This relationship is addictive and dangerous. Don't confuse that with love. Do whatever you can to force yourself to not get back into this dangerous cycle. Her violence will escalate. She will hurt you more the next time. You may actually hit her too. That is what she is pushing here.
I know, because I was involved in a relationship like this years ago. Trust me. It doesn't get better. There are "honeymoon" periods between the violence and the arguing. In other words, it's like a high. Everything seems great. But, the bad times just keep getting worse. The honeymoons get shorter and shorter. This relationship is about addiction to getting those highs (honeymoons) back.
Find someone else that is good to you without the drama. You may not find that as attractive, but trust me. By being with someone that is good to you, it will pay off in the long run. I have been married to the "good one" for 13 years and running strong. It took years to forget the one that I thought that "I really loved". It wasn't love at all. It was addiction to drama.
Point blank - Get out and stay out of this relationship. There are millions of woman out there. This one is not a good match. You can have great sex and sense of love with someone who will not abuse you and fight with you.
Posted by psychodad on April 4, 2004, at 16:51:19
In reply to Re: i am lost and in pain, posted by shadows721 on April 4, 2004, at 15:38:29
I agree... walk away now and don't turn back. It's just not worth it. You should not be in a relationship where anger controls your actions. Passion should be beautiful, not ugly. OK, so maybe you can work things out and this girl is the one who will become your lifetime mate. But, more likely is the chance that you should keep looking. Set this woman free. Give yourself some space from her. If in a couple months you can't get her out of your mind, then call her, but for now walk away. Put some distance between you and her and see what happens.
I've been with my wife for 14 years now, we dated for 8 and have been married for 6. We had 4-5 arguments in that period, but nothing ever physically abusive. We are still passionately in love with each other. If she pushed me in the face or vice versa we'd probably never see each other again. That is a line not to be crossed.
You need to ask yourself, have you ever had this happen in any of your other relationships? Is this a first? If you have a history of abuse, seek help, if this is the first, then there is probably something not right with this situation.
Good luck!
Posted by shadows721 on April 4, 2004, at 18:51:29
In reply to Re: i am lost and in pain, posted by shadows721 on April 4, 2004, at 15:38:29
I do remember vividly how much my heart ached to see this person that was abusive to me. But, I kept telling myself this person does not have my best interest at heart. They are like a bad habit or drug that I need to drop.
The way to get over a person is by replacement. It can be a hobbie, going out with friends, dating several others. You can just get out and go to the library and throw yourself into a book and another place. But, do not go back to someone who thinks they can hit on you like a punching bag. That shows lack of respect. They don't value you as a very important person. They have crossed the line and gotten physical. Don't allow them to blame it on the alcohol either. That's too easy. All that arguing is a bad sign too.
As the other post said, if this is a pattern for you, get help. If this is indeed a pattern, you may feel that you deserve no more than this. That's trash. You deserve to be treated with repect and not be involved with an abusive, lying, and argumentive mixed up lady. She needs to get herself help, but I doubt she will. This type of people tend to always blame their actions on someone else.
Posted by Dauphine on April 5, 2004, at 14:36:32
In reply to Re: i am lost and in pain (PS), posted by shadows721 on April 4, 2004, at 18:51:29
The previous posts are some of the best advice I have heard in a long time. I myself am getting out of (got of out) an addicitive relationship that was very similar to what you described. I am still in pain everyday, and my depression has greatly increased since our separation, which has lead me to the path of medication (not for everybody). Whenever I start to miss that person I ask myself what I truely got out of the relationship -- all of the bad and good. When I evaluate in that way, the uncertainty of when the bad times are going to pop up far outweights the affection, great sex etc. that was keeping me in the relationship. You should feel secure in a good relationship, and when you fight off and on all the time and have drama dripping from every pore, that's anything but secure. It certainly is addictive, and very hard to give up, but there are other people in the world that will incite passion in you without fear of losing them at every moment.
Dauphine
Posted by wayne on April 5, 2004, at 21:36:00
In reply to Re: i am lost and in pain (PS), posted by Dauphine on April 5, 2004, at 14:36:32
thank you guys for the advice, im glad i found this website. This drama has seemed like an addiction, but i think the reason why is because we are so deeply in love. We both agree that we would never put up with this in any normal relationship, but there is some weird animalistic attraction that is not just to do with looks that we both cannot get over. The thing that sucks so much now is that we have talked over the phone and she keeps telling me that she loves me and wants to be with me but she cannot be with someone that has hit her. Its like she is making me feel so guilty for that situation, which i agree and admit was totally handled the wrong way, and for the record i have never done anything like this before and thats why i am so confused and baffled in what to do. I am a person that fights for what he loves, and i go and get what i want with everything i have. I have not tried to see her yet because i know if i do i probably will work this all out. The twist in this whole drama is that she is going to california this sunday, and is going to be gone til next sunday with her girlfriends. This has long been an issue with us cause i felt so insecure about her going, that i feel now that with this trip she is definelty going to get over me, and i am going to be in so much more agony thinking about what she is doing out there. My friends all tell me to give her space and distance, and she will come back to me, but i feel like the space will just help her get over me more, and that is what is killing me. 2 months ago i was ready to end everything, but she came to me and told me that she wanted to prove how much she loves me and how much better this realtionship can be. I fell for her again, and all my feelings for her came back that second on, and thats why i hurt so bad now, cause my feelings for this girl are at the utmost peak...I cant sleep, eat, or think about work, all i am doing is waiting by my phone, or computer, waiting for her to contact me...This is so much torture
Posted by spoc on April 6, 2004, at 2:21:39
In reply to Re: i am lost and in pain (PS), posted by wayne on April 5, 2004, at 21:36:00
> thank you guys for the advice, im glad i found this website. This drama has seemed like an addiction, but i think the reason why is because we are so deeply in love. We both agree that we would never put up with this in any normal relationship, but there is some weird animalistic attraction that is not just to do with looks that we both cannot get over....
> I fell for her again, and all my feelings for her came back that second on, and thats why i hurt so bad now, cause my feelings for this girl are at the utmost peak...I cant sleep, eat, or think about work, all i am doing is waiting by my phone, or computer, waiting for her to contact me...This is so much torture....
-----
So then,... what would it feel like if it *was* an addiction?? Think about it, you probably just can't see it because you're in the middle of it, but that's the nature of the beast. I think all people in these situations, including love vs. infatuation, believe at the time that it's different with them....Best of luck, try to step outside of it and be truly objective... By the way, fasten your seat belt, transport to Social Board leaving momentarily! : )
Posted by wayne on April 6, 2004, at 13:09:13
In reply to Re: i am lost and in pain (PS) » wayne, posted by spoc on April 6, 2004, at 2:21:39
thanks spoc for the advice... the meanest thing about all of this is that she keeps dropping me hints and messages that she wants to work things out but then at the end of the message she says she cant... i am beginning to think she is trying to lure me in as a way to get over me faster. its a viscious cycle when you are in something like this, i am big guy, rarely get upset with things, but its so sad that one girl can control me so easily because of something like a word called love. its also very hard that she was practically living with me, cause my bed is like our sanctuary, and my apt is like our home, but her place is like her little retreat away from our life together.
Posted by shadows721 on April 6, 2004, at 17:01:00
In reply to Re: i am lost and in pain (PS), posted by wayne on April 6, 2004, at 13:09:13
Love doesn't lie, hit, play games, and keep you in limbo. This is an addictive relationship from the get go. You are mistaking physical attraction (lust) for love. You are replaying a past hurt from childhood with this woman. You don't even realize this right now. It is unconscious. You want what you can't have, but this time it will be right game. It will not ever be right. I can tell you this truth, but you are seeing this from the emotions and not the mind. Think of yourself as your own best friend and what would be the advice. Get out of the house and do something. Don't sit by that darn phone. Yes, it hurt's like bloody Hell. It will pass. You are in the worst of it. This lady is playing some heavy head games with you and she knows she owns the keys to your pressure points. Believe me. She is using them well or you wouldn't be in pain. People who truly love each other don't hit blow the belt over and over again.
Let me open your eyes a bit here. Personally, you should be ticked that this woman is playing with your emotions like a light switch. Your relationship is on then off when she chooses. Are you just going to be a toy for her pleasure? She will see you when she feels like it. She is blaming you for stricking back against her physical abuse. She is trying to make you believ her lies. Let me make myself clear - This woman is abusing you emotionally and physically. You are addicted to the drama of lets fight and have good sex game. It's a game of emotions. It's just like a drug highs and lows.
Go to a social worker and work on what's really going on here and stop this self destructive cycle. You may keepp doing this in future relationships. You are the one getting hurt here. Stand up for yourself and stop this woman from abusing you any further. Rent movies, take a drive, see family, journal - do what you must to stop this destructive relationship. You are in pain, because you are in the low of the addiction. Questions to ponder - "Why are you allowing this woman to control you?" "Why are you so attracted to this destructive relationship?" "Why are you really attracted to this particular person?" "Who do she really remind you of?"
Assignment - make a list of all her characteristics good and bad. Then, by each one see whose characteristics they are really reminding you of from your childhood. Trust me - strong attraction = a person from your past. It's called a trauma bond. It's replaying out your past with someone similiar. But, in your subconscious, you will make this relationship right this time.
Use this relationship as an education tool. This pain is directing you to look at some other pain from your past that you are refusing to face. Why? Because, it is just as painful. You may say, "No, this can't be true." Trust me, it is. This pain has all the markings of a past pain that is unresolved. You may go back to her, but keep what I am telling you in the back of your head. I am telling you the truth. I know. I've been down your road.
As for this woman, she is also playing out an abuse onto you that is not yours. She is hurting you, but she is really wanting to hit someone that hurt her from her past. This is why you two are attracted to one another. Does this sounds healthy? No, it isn't and it will never be. It would involve both people to face up to the people of their past pain to straighten this all out. Do you think both of you are willing do to all that? If you did, there would be no more drama i.e., no ups and downs anymore. There may not be this fatal attraction anymore either.
shadows721
Posted by snapper on April 6, 2004, at 18:23:08
In reply to Trying to take off those rose colored glasses, posted by shadows721 on April 6, 2004, at 17:01:00
Shadows, your commentary on the above situation is profound. I am dead serious-you are right on - it is a game- I can sense it form 100's and probably 1000's of miles away. You have great insight and It appears that you have recieved some excellent therapy for yourself-to be able to pinpoint that kind of destructive -self defeating behaviour. It is a game of tug-o-war and one of the individuals knows it more than the other-it is a deadly game of attrition and I think you are right on in reccomending he do "something", anything and quit letting her win... I know its' painful ....but Great Sex is very often mistaken for supposed incredible attraction and being right for each other. I have fallen into similar traps like that over the years and it is def. not easy to get out of. In anycase it appears that you have probably had some very effective therapy in your own life !! I wish it were that easy for all of us-...pills can only do so much and the rest is up to us- Kudos' to you on your own healing and insight and intuitiveness. Have you considered being a therapist yourself? Dr.Phil, Watch out!!!
Snapper
Posted by shadows721 on April 6, 2004, at 19:09:25
In reply to Re: Trying to take off those rose colored glasses, posted by snapper on April 6, 2004, at 18:23:08
Snapper,I would like to say - I love your name. Thanks for the comments. I am a no holds barred type of individual. I have dealt with a lot of trash in my life and I don't stand for it in my face. I am a point blank person, so not many want to hear the truth. I am honest about my own trash as well. I have done therapy a lot on myself. I have had many bad therapist and told them what their problem was as well. I can smell trash a mile away too. It has its draw backs. I am someone who can't live with denial. Some can do it, but I just can't. Life is too short to lie to ourselves. Thanks again.
Shadows
Posted by Dr. Bob on April 6, 2004, at 19:46:25
In reply to Re: i am lost and in pain (PS) » wayne, posted by spoc on April 6, 2004, at 2:21:39
> By the way, fasten your seat belt, transport to Social Board leaving momentarily! : )
Right, here's a link:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040406/msgs/333479.html
Thanks,
Bob
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