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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by galkeepinon on September 12, 2003, at 6:07:13
It's 3:30am and I'm up, been up all night. I just got done a crying spell and am trying to calm myself down. I'm on my 6th week of Lexapro and just increased Lamictal to 50mg. The thing is, is that my psychiatrist doesn't think I should be on Topamax OR Lamictal because I told him I rarely ever get manic. The only reason why he agreed to increase the Lamictal was because I told him I heard it was good for cycling, which I rarely have anymore, but wanted to be *safe* and that it helps more with the 'depression' side of bipolar, so why not add it to the Lexapro?
I read some other posts and right now I'm wondering if Lex is going to fail me or the increase to only 50mg of Lamictal is making me feel like this? The things I cried about had nothing to with anyone except me. I have no motivation to complete school, something I started at a year ago (transferred as a senior), I'm so close to getting my BA, I'm killing my body with cigarettes and unhealthy food. I can't remember the last time I had a nice piece of salmon with the omega 3 fatty acids, I don't take vitamins, I haven't eaten fruit forever, I get NO exercise, and vegetables, come and go, hardly at all.
When I get so upset that I cry over what I'm doing to my body physically, I want to change, but it passes, and I stay stuck in my sadness about it.
Mentally, I am experiencing extreme fear and sadness over my life, what I should or shouldn't do, I get so confused. It's like I felt tonight that I have no idea what life is really about or how to handle it. I don't know if this has anything to do with the increase of the Lamictal or it's something that any medication just won't help with. I am so ill-feeling that the thought of looking for a therapist makes me cry even more because of all the time and energy it takes to find a good one. I've done so much therapy already but obviously it hasn't helped, at least not with the reasons I am crying, and feeling this way all of the sudden after doing so well for the first few weeks on Lexapro. I just don't have that energy right now. I think to myself if I'm making excuses but in my mind I'm not, I just can't handle the emotional stress in finding someone I can talk to who can help me, besides my mother, sort out these issues so I can get on with some kind of life. It hurts so bad. *crying* I feel like I will never get out of this rut and just don't have the motivation or energy to do anything at all. I am getting my hair weaved this morning and I don't even care about that, it's not going to make me feel better. I miss working, I miss being with people, and I miss my old self. I'm a total people person and want so bad to contribute to this world, and I have failed, and it hurts to know I have wasted the last 10 or 11 years not being *well* enough to do so. This has gone on far too long and I'm so sick of it. I'm crying because I am so lost right now, I'm not sure what to do, where to start, like I just don't care. Advice seems to go in one ear and out the other yet here I am posting asking for it at now almost 4am, still crying and asking for help. I guess I needed to vent and maybe whoever reads this can shed some sort of light for me? I feel like I'm a total difficult nut case, because I just am at the point where I really don't care about anything and that's not good. I've had almost 3 months to make up a term at school because I was in the hospital the whole month of May, and I haven't even touched the work. I have issues of my mother trying hard to control where I go to school, what I do with my life, and I'm 33. Isn't about time I'm able to live my life without my mother trying to live through me? I love her, she has been there for me, so I feel guilty in even talking about her in this post. I was sitting in the dining room just wanting her to come in and hold me, but she's sleeping. And even if I told her, she already knows I am unhappy, and it would just hurt her more to go through this same route of me saying, I'm depressed and crying mom. No one knows I'm crying, and my friends don't know how much pain I really am in, because I don't want to tell them. They have their own lives. I'm embarrassed to tell them hey-I'm not doing good. I don't know what to do, I'm sick of medication, I thought the Lex was helping, but ever since I increased my Lamictal 3 days ago, I have fell into a depression again.
Does ANYONE have any experience with this happening to them with Lamictal, or does anyone think that meds are just not going to cut it for me? I took an extra 1mg of Klonopin and an extra flexeril today just to sleep and maybe calm down, this pattern happened back in April and I ended up in the hospital, I don't want to go there.
Thanks for anyone who got this far in reading this, I needed to post hoping to get some sort of suggestion, to reach out, and to vent. Thank you for reading this far if you did.
galkeepinon
Posted by badhaircut on September 12, 2003, at 8:44:45
In reply to Please advice/feedback/guidance, posted by galkeepinon on September 12, 2003, at 6:07:13
> I'm sick of medication
I gave up on meds for years because they never did me any good. I burst into tears once in my doc's office at the thought of going back on the try-this-drug try-that-one treadmill. But later I was encouraged by reading some PB success stories, especially the few that say things like "I was depressed for 20 years until I tried X with Y, and that's continued to work." So I went back to the pdocs.
> I get so confused. It's like I felt tonight that I have no idea what life is really about or how to handle it.
Kurt Vonnegut wrote recently that only psychopaths don't get confused. They know EXACTLY what to do. Thoughtful people have lots of doubts.
> I've done so much therapy already but obviously it hasn't helped, at least not with the reasons I am crying.
Been there. IMHO you can often get as much or more benefit out of a bowling league or bridge class than most psychotherapy. I could get more out of some therapy techniques if the meds worked.
> I'm a total people person and want so bad to contribute to this world, and I have failed
Not true! I've appreciated reading your posts (your *contributions*) over the last few months. I skip a lot of replies when I'm reading a thread, but you’re one of the authors I always check out.
> I have wasted the last 10 or 11 years
That's a brain tricked by depression talking. Depressed people with lots of worldly achievements & honors often feel the same way.
> my friends don't know how much pain I really am in, because I don't want to tell them. They have their own lives. I'm embarrassed to tell them hey-I'm not doing good.
I know. I always feel like, after I get the depression managed better with meds, I'll tell them how bad I *was*.
-bhc
Posted by dazedandconfused on September 12, 2003, at 8:54:28
In reply to Please advice/feedback/guidance, posted by galkeepinon on September 12, 2003, at 6:07:13
Galkeepinon,
I am normally a lurker...still pretty new at the board...but I had to write to you. I really hear what you are saying...sounds like you were doing pretty good, and BAAAMM,,,the depression comes up from behind you and knocks you off your feet. But reading your recent posts you seem to have been doing well. Hopefully this is just a temporary setback,,,perhaps med induced,,,perhaps not. Either way,,,try to remember it is temporary. Maybe it would help to go back and read some of your recent posts to help you see how quickly this seemed to come on. Perhaps if you could look at them as written by someone else, you could see what a marked difference there is in just a short amount of time. In other words, you may think what I thought when I read your post. "That person had been doing well. This one post seems an anomoly (sp?); almost like it was written by someone else. Sounds more like it is the "depression" talking than her."Another thing that struck me was how hard you are being on yourself. As my therapist sometimes says, "No flogging!" If you need to beat up on something, beat up on the depression. Not yourself. Please remember that this is a disease. We cannot will it away anymore than someone can "will" away a brain tumor. Please don't be so hard on yourself.
I hope today you feel better. I also hope you have a good "braid" experience.
Hang in there.
P.S. I really hope I have not overstepped my boundaries here and that this helps just a little. Again, I am new at this.
Posted by madwand on September 12, 2003, at 11:34:34
In reply to Please advice/feedback/guidance, posted by galkeepinon on September 12, 2003, at 6:07:13
Gal,
>'m a total people person and want so bad to >contribute to this world, and I have failed, and it >hurts to know I have wasted the last 10 or 11 years >not being *well* enough to do so.By whose standards have you failed? You have contributed a heck of a lot to this group, and that certainly extends to a lot of "lurkers" whom you probably don't even know about.
I wonder something (my apologies if this is out of line). Intellectually you know that depression is a disease, but it sounds like at some gut level you buy into it as some kind of "fault". If you had cancer and had a relapse you might fuss and fume at it interfering with your life (I think we all would), but you wouldn't beat yourself up over it would you?
In other words, just a gentle reminder that you have an *illness* and sometimes it takes time and patience to get over the bumps. It is clear to me just from what I have seen on this board what a compassionate, loving person you are, and if you were standing in front of me I would give you a big hug right now. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
Posted by galkeepinon on September 13, 2003, at 1:26:24
In reply to Feedback, no advice, posted by badhaircut on September 12, 2003, at 8:44:45
I am going to continue the Lexapro and decrease the Lamictal down back to 25mg until I talk to my doc Monday. I can't and won't go on this med treadmill with my moods going up and down, crying and when I have been doing SO well the last few weeks with what I was on.
I'm glad that you're encouraged, like me by the folks' posts/experience here at PB and the posts about meds. I think the meds can be a God send~the key is just finding our 'combo' ya know.
I think it was superb how you gave me that example of what Kurt Vonnegut wrote recently that only psychopaths don't get confused. They know EXACTLY what to do. Thoughtful people have lots of doubts. That was the topper that your post helped me with. I'm glad to know I'm not a psychopath!!! lol I knew I wasn't anyway, I'm just a person going through a rough time, who reached out and am grateful for the wonderful people here who understand. That is a blessing.
Thanks so much for commenting on the therapy issue~you can often get as much or more benefit out of a bowling league or bridge class than most psychotherapy. I know from the past, I've gotten more out of hangin with friends talking, bowling, whatever, and it's free:-)
I am happy to hear that you appreciate reading my posts *contributions* There are so many wonderful kind, smart, people here.
I will not allow this depression to trick my mind. In the end, I know it's not going to make any difference if I get a wordly achievement award or not, like Judge Judy's book~Beauty Fades, Dumb Is Forever* If that makes sense~sorry I have an 'emotional hangover' I guess I am grateful I can even *feel*
Thank you again for your suppport~it means a lot to know you understand.
I really can relate and your help is appreciated.
Take care.
Posted by galkeepinon on September 13, 2003, at 16:29:40
In reply to Re: Please advice/feedback/guidance » galkeepinon, posted by dazedandconfused on September 12, 2003, at 8:54:28
Hi, I wanted to thank you for your feedback, I got so sleepy last night I had to go to bed and wasn't able to thank you in a post.
That night~yeah it pretty much knocked me on my feet. I felt a little better yesterday and today, I feel a lot better and went back down to 25mg of Lamictal last night. I honestly think that Lamictal may not need to be part of *my* med coctail right now. My psychiatrist suggested it and I now agrree with him. The increase seemed to make me worse, when I was doing well for a while so I think I will just stay on the 10mg of Lexapro, and talk to my doc Monday.
Thank you~you were right, it seems that it was temporary and these *moods* will come and go, with help from you and this board, I will remember that those feelings will pass and just try to start each day anew.
It could have very well been the *depression* talking to me, I allowed it to control me and possibly a personality disorder rearing its ugly head. In terms of coping, thought processing, etc.
Thank you for sharing with me the term *flogging*, I've never heard heard that one. I AM extremely hard on myself and I admit it, but when I get really low like that, and feel confused and/or hopeless, I forget that I need to ease up on myself.
I never did get my hair weaved/colored! So now I have like 4 inches of roots LOL, believe me my hair is the last thing on my mind LOL
Maybe if I get it done, I'll feel a little better, who knows.
Again, thank you so very much for your support, by no means, do I think you overstepped your boundaries (I posted hoping to get some feedback) here and it actually helped~~A LOT~believe me and thank you again:-)
Have a great weekend!> Galkeepinon,
> I am normally a lurker...still pretty new at the board...but I had to write to you. I really hear what you are saying...sounds like you were doing pretty good, and BAAAMM,,,the depression comes up from behind you and knocks you off your feet. But reading your recent posts you seem to have been doing well. Hopefully this is just a temporary setback,,,perhaps med induced,,,perhaps not. Either way,,,try to remember it is temporary. Maybe it would help to go back and read some of your recent posts to help you see how quickly this seemed to come on. Perhaps if you could look at them as written by someone else, you could see what a marked difference there is in just a short amount of time. In other words, you may think what I thought when I read your post. "That person had been doing well. This one post seems an anomoly (sp?); almost like it was written by someone else. Sounds more like it is the "depression" talking than her."
>
> Another thing that struck me was how hard you are being on yourself. As my therapist sometimes says, "No flogging!" If you need to beat up on something, beat up on the depression. Not yourself. Please remember that this is a disease. We cannot will it away anymore than someone can "will" away a brain tumor. Please don't be so hard on yourself.
>
> I hope today you feel better. I also hope you have a good "braid" experience.
>
> Hang in there.
>
> P.S. I really hope I have not overstepped my boundaries here and that this helps just a little. Again, I am new at this.
>
>
>
>
>
Posted by galkeepinon on September 13, 2003, at 16:36:09
In reply to Re: Please advice/feedback/guidance » galkeepinon, posted by madwand on September 12, 2003, at 11:34:34
Hey there, thank you so much for responding to my post. Good question..by whose standards have I failed~the world's? my mom's? I have to figure that out.
At times yes, I do buy into this disease as a fault. I guess it's because this depression started when I was about 22 in 1992, after a break up with my fiance and I and when my father got into drugs and alcohol. I just got really depressed. Plus, I had no idea what I *wanted to do with my life* I gained weight, and I've just never been able to get back to my old self so to speak.
Thank you for reminding me of treating this illness like any other illness~you're right again. I would never condemn a person with cancer, and plead with them not to beat themselves up over having it. I totally hear you!
A (hug) to you for being so kind, thank you so much for your thoughtfulness and insight.
Have a great weekend!
> By whose standards have you failed? You have contributed a heck of a lot to this group, and that certainly extends to a lot of "lurkers" whom you probably don't even know about.
> I wonder something (my apologies if this is out of line). Intellectually you know that depression is a disease, but it sounds like at some gut level you buy into it as some kind of "fault". If you had cancer and had a relapse you might fuss and fume at it interfering with your life (I think we all would), but you wouldn't beat yourself up over it would you?
> In other words, just a gentle reminder that you have an *illness* and sometimes it takes time and patience to get over the bumps. It is clear to me just from what I have seen on this board what a compassionate, loving person you are, and if you were standing in front of me I would give you a big hug right now. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
Posted by Sebastian on September 13, 2003, at 20:22:57
In reply to Please advice/feedback/guidance, posted by galkeepinon on September 12, 2003, at 6:07:13
I think your meds will help. You need to do the rest. Then give it time, a long time. You must feel hopeless. I guess what I have learned is you have to live with it,and forget at the same time. It might help to exercise, it does make you feel better, even if not at first. It might help to talk of your pain on one of these boards. Just keep thinking you don't want to go to the hospital and do the right things. Hopfuly the meds will make you feel better while you do this.
Posted by galkeepinon on September 15, 2003, at 0:41:25
In reply to Re: Please advice/feedback/guidance » galkeepinon, posted by Sebastian on September 13, 2003, at 20:22:57
Thank you for your post, it means a lot.
I was told by my family I never went through the 'terrible two's, so I went through the terrible 20's instead LOL
I will have to rent Seabiscuit soon for sure.
I hear you and can relate to the statement you made about 'each one had to develop a stark independance, was forced to even. Just as the world was beginning to re-build and heal, another world war tried to shut it all down again' I feel that way with people sometimes. As soon as I am doing well, someone comes along, and I allow it of course, knows how to push my buttons, and I get upset again, back to square 1.
To be honest, I think I'm pretty dang close to rock bottom in my depression and what has caused it. Meds can only do so much!!!You are soooooooo right. I think I'm at a point now where come heck or high water it's sink or swim! I need to feel and deal and move on~period. Oh I know it's going to be difficult, but only if I make it that way.
I thank you for your insight, wisdom, and support.
Enduring..........
Praying...........
Strengthening............
God Bless you and I will draw closer to God~it's about time!
Thanks again so very much.
Posted by galkeepinon on September 15, 2003, at 0:51:51
In reply to Re: Please advice/feedback/guidance » galkeepinon, posted by Sebastian on September 13, 2003, at 20:22:57
Hi Sebastian, thanks for your post~means a lot to know I have support. You're right~I am the one who is going to need to do the rest, I know. For some reason, I'm afraid. I'm scared.
I had asked my doctor/therapist how to get over it, and he said what you did~'you have to live with it, and forget at the same time' I am understanding this more and more and maybe some day, whenver that is, I will be able to go on with the kind of life I want and deserve and when the feelings come, I can deal with them, acknowledge them, and move on, continuing with my life. Right now, I'm not strong enough to do so, but I pray that I get stronger every day.
Thanks again, have a great week!
> I think your meds will help. You need to do the rest. Then give it time, a long time. You must feel hopeless. I guess what I have learned is you have to live with it,and forget at the same time. It might help to exercise, it does make you feel better, even if not at first. It might help to talk of your pain on one of these boards. Just keep thinking you don't want to go to the hospital and do the right things. Hopfuly the meds will make you feel better while you do this.
This is the end of the thread.
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