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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by bookgurl99 on October 23, 2002, at 23:51:41
I've been feeling really sexually frustrated lately. My girlfriend is in therapy dealing with sexual abuse issues and has said that we need to stop having sex for a while. I thought that I could deal with that, but she has been treating me like I'm a big pervert if I even give her a squeeze. Meanwhile, she give me mixed messages by acting sexy sometimes and then pulling away when I respond.
What is up with this? I feel like I'm gonna die if I don't have sex sometime soon. Plus I'm scared --- we just moved in together a couple of months ago, and I'm scared that we'll just end up another lesbian couple that gets fat and rarely has sex.
I am really pissed. We've been together over a year and have had good sex up until now. Now, recently, I've fallen in love with her and proven my commitment -- and this is my reward. She starts dealing with her abuse issues in therapy and suddenly I'm cut off.
I feel so frustrated. I love her, but I wish I could have sex with someone else to have my needs met. (I brought this up and she was really hurt by the idea, and told me I'd end up living somewhere else if I acted out on the plan. So, bad idea.)
What the hell?
book "sticky fingers" gurl99
Posted by fendel on October 24, 2002, at 22:46:05
In reply to feelin' sexually frustrated/gf in therapy, posted by bookgurl99 on October 23, 2002, at 23:51:41
I mostly lurk, but I see nobody's replied yet, so I'll bite...
FWIW, I ran into something similar once. I was head-over-heels in love with a woman who started dealing with some sexual issues and said "Let's just be friends," and that was it. End of story. So the fact your GF is seeing this celibacy as a *temporary* thing is a plus...
Can you temporarily separate your sex drive from your other needs? Have romantic dinners and cuddles with your girlfriend. Concentrate on your emotional intimacy (including being supportive as she faces her abuse issues). When you need physical satisfaction, shoo her out of the bedroom and meet your own needs. Alone. Buy some toys if that helps.
Ooops. I hope by "what the hell" you meant "give me advice." ;)
fendel
Posted by Lyn on October 25, 2002, at 4:39:32
In reply to feelin' sexually frustrated/gf in therapy, posted by bookgurl99 on October 23, 2002, at 23:51:41
> I've been feeling really sexually frustrated lately. My girlfriend is in therapy dealing with sexual abuse issues and has said that we need to stop having sex for a while. I thought that I could deal with that, but she has been treating me like I'm a big pervert if I even give her a squeeze. Meanwhile, she give me mixed messages by acting sexy sometimes and then pulling away when I respond.
>From personal experience, having suffered sexual abuse, I can tell you that it is hard to know what I want. Generally I have no interest in sex, and normally find the idea repulsive. Sometimes, however, I feel as if I want that intimacy, only to chicken out at the last moment. Maybe this is what is happening with your girlfriend?
> What is up with this? I feel like I'm gonna die if I don't have sex sometime soon. Plus I'm scared --- we just moved in together a couple of months ago, and I'm scared that we'll just end up another lesbian couple that gets fat and rarely has sex.
Perhaps she just needs time and your understanding and support. Communication is the key; talk to her about what she's going through and tell her how you feel. Little compensation, I know, when you want something else.
>
> I am really pissed. We've been together over a year and have had good sex up until now. Now, recently, I've fallen in love with her and proven my commitment -- and this is my reward. She starts dealing with her abuse issues in therapy and suddenly I'm cut off.It's not about punishing you. Therapy will be bringing up all sorts of memories and feelings that she would rather not have. It is even likely that she will be reliving the abuse. She needs to isolate the bad sex from what she has with you. If she can come out the other side of it she will probably be a stronger, more loving person.
>
> I feel so frustrated. I love her, but I wish I could have sex with someone else to have my needs met. (I brought this up and she was really hurt by the idea, and told me I'd end up living somewhere else if I acted out on the plan. So, bad idea.)You may need to go solo for a while... or find some other activity to release the pent-up frustration.
Hope things turn out for the best.
Posted by killerdice on October 25, 2002, at 13:28:13
In reply to Re: feelin' sexually frustrated/gf in therapy, posted by Lyn on October 25, 2002, at 4:39:32
I am going through the exact same thing right now.. My girlfriend is going to pychotherapy for her sexual abuse... The first day she went to therapy she came back and blammmmmm no more sex or touching or nothing... WTF? We where having a great sex life before this,,, well I went with her to psyctherapist yesterday so I could get a better understanding... I got a explaination and she suggested I go to therapy myself... I am not in this relationship for the sex..but this thing is putting a heavy strain on thing......
Posted by Roman on October 25, 2002, at 18:19:15
In reply to feelin' sexually frustrated/gf in therapy, posted by bookgurl99 on October 23, 2002, at 23:51:41
Sex is very important in relationships, if you're not happy with the way things are, you have a right to express your feelings and needs.
Without sex, what is a relationship anyway? I know it's not the whole picture, but seriously--it's a big part of it. What's the point in a relationship? You could just br friends and have sex with other people who are interested.
Although she is having a hard time right now, she should be sensitive to your needs and feelings as you should be to hers. Maybe this is not a good time for the two of you to be in an exclusive relationship? You can split-up until she gets herself together and get back together when things settle down.
What do you think?
Posted by MJC on October 25, 2002, at 19:41:22
In reply to feelin' sexually frustrated/gf in therapy, posted by bookgurl99 on October 23, 2002, at 23:51:41
This post really got me thinking...You said that a few months ago you and your gf moved in together and just recently you've completely fallen in love with her. Also, recently, she's gone into therapy for sexual abuse issues that she has yet to deal with. Since she's going through this she is obviously bringing up a lot of pain from her past that she's hidden deep inside of her and feels that for once in her life that she's strong enough to be able to deal with these issues. When she's going through therapy for sexual abuse and bringing up all those memories and images from the past, things that people did to her to hurt her, there is no doubt that she won't want to have sex at the moment. Why would she want to have those old images mixed in with what happens between you and her? She's re-opening a lot of old wounds to better herself, and more than likely better your relationship with each other, is probably doing this because she feels strong enough to do it now that you're in her life, and you're only thinking about the fact that you can't get off?
Listen, if you really do love this girl you can easily live without sex for a little while while she gets past this point in her life. She still wants you around, wants you in her life, and at this point, now that she's dealing with all of this crap, it's almost a miracle that she hasn't decided to just push you completely out of her life untill she gets past this point. Can you even imagine what it's like to be abused in that way? Going through therapy, talking about what happened, having what happened replayed over and over again in her mind just about every day in order to accept what happened and push the pain out of her so that she move on with her life. Then she's got a gf who lives with her, who she obviously loves enough to keep in her life, in her home, while she's dealing with this and her gf is sexually frustrated enough to basically ask her if it's alright if she has sex with somebody else untill she's better? Do you have any idea how much of an invalid you made her feel from that statement alone? If you love her, why wouldn't you just support her through this so that the two of you can get on with your lives? She obviously wants to move on with her life which is why she's getting help in the first place. She doesn't plan on getting old and fat and living a life of celibacy with you. She also doesn't want to have that pain deep inside of her every time she's with you, which is why she's trying to bring it to the forefront now and get rid of it.
I've never been sexually abused before, but I have helped a number of girls that I've met through the years get past a point in their lives very similar to what your gf is currently going through. The only thing I can say is that if you love her, stop thinking about yourself for once. She's obviously in a lot of pain at the moment and trying to cope with things. She also loves you enough to let you know what's going on, why she's not able to be with you at the moment, but still wants you in her life, still wants you to be just as close to her but to cut the sex out for just a little bit.
I say if you love her you will stay with her, support her through this, and in no way make her feel worse than she already does just in order to get your own sexual fullfillment. Going a while without sex won't kill you. If you can't do this, then obviously you don't love her, and maybe it's time for the two of you to move on.
I hope this message didn't offend you. I just really feel for your gf because I've seen this happen to so many other girls in the past. It honestly breaks my heart to think of anybody hurting a woman because I honestly believe them to be about the only truly good thing left in this world. Any relationship needs the support of two people, partners need to stop thinking about "me" and start thinking about "us". Right now, you're not treating your girl very nice and if you're not strong enough to get through this, then you should definitely move on and leave her alone. She's hurting enough right now as is.
Posted by ~Alii on October 25, 2002, at 19:45:08
In reply to feelin' sexually frustrated/gf in therapy, posted by bookgurl99 on October 23, 2002, at 23:51:41
This thread was moved to PSB and the rest of these responses need to go there as well.
Thanks for the administrative tasks you do to keep this board running.
~~Alii
Posted by Dr. Bob on October 26, 2002, at 13:45:56
In reply to Dinah or Dr. Bob....PLEASE MOVE THIS THREAD!!, posted by ~Alii on October 25, 2002, at 19:45:08
> This thread was moved to PSB and the rest of these responses need to go there as well.
How about if I just post a link here:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20021022/msgs/31584.html
Which, BTW, anyone can do...
Bob
Posted by bookgurl99 on October 27, 2002, at 20:24:47
In reply to Re: feelin' sexually frustrated/gf in therapy » bookgurl99, posted by MJC on October 25, 2002, at 19:41:22
MJC, follow up at
This is the end of the thread.
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