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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by thomas on April 4, 2000, at 19:39:33
In reply to I think i am going to kill my self...., posted by tori hart on April 4, 2000, at 18:53:49
to tori hart!Dont do it,things could change in a moment , i have a friend who tried to comitt suicide but he survived and he is now a happy man! so com on and fight the fu....g depression! Hope ill here from you again,hug thomas!
Posted by DC on April 4, 2000, at 20:34:48
In reply to I think i am going to kill my self...., posted by tori hart on April 4, 2000, at 18:53:49
Tori, please get help. There is so much beauty in the world; your eyes are clouded over and your vision is distorted. My life is mess, too. But even so, to be alive is a miracle and if you throw away that gift you might face something much worse than your depression. Even without friends life is worth living. Consider these lines by Rainer Maria Rilke: "if there is nothing in common between you and other people, try being close to things, they will not desert you; there are the nights still and the winds that go through the trees and across many lands; among things and with animals everything is still full of happening, in which you may participate, and the children are still the way you were as a child." Have you seen seen the sunrise above the ocean? Have you walked in the park and listened to leaves in the wind? Have you gone to an animal shelter and played with the kittens? Life is hard and sad. But we forget the simple things. We measure ourselves by other people's standards. Forget about how you measure up in this superficial capitalist society. Can you show love to someone? Can you still do some kind thing, no matter how small?
Posted by Cindy W on April 4, 2000, at 21:22:27
In reply to So much beauty it hurts, posted by DC on April 4, 2000, at 20:34:48
> Tori, please get help. There is so much beauty in the world; your eyes are clouded over and your vision is distorted. My life is mess, too. But even so, to be alive is a miracle and if you throw away that gift you might face something much worse than your depression. Even without friends life is worth living. Consider these lines by Rainer Maria Rilke: "if there is nothing in common between you and other people, try being close to things, they will not desert you; there are the nights still and the winds that go through the trees and across many lands; among things and with animals everything is still full of happening, in which you may participate, and the children are still the way you were as a child." Have you seen seen the sunrise above the ocean? Have you walked in the park and listened to leaves in the wind? Have you gone to an animal shelter and played with the kittens? Life is hard and sad. But we forget the simple things. We measure ourselves by other people's standards. Forget about how you measure up in this superficial capitalist society. Can you show love to someone? Can you still do some kind thing, no matter how small?
Tori, I agree...please get help. Call someone and reach out! There are so many small things in this world that really count, and you can make a difference. People on this board really care, and we will help all we can. Hope you'll keep posting, to share how you're feeling and explain some of your troubles, we we can help.
Posted by Victoria on April 4, 2000, at 22:09:18
In reply to I think i am going to kill my self...., posted by tori hart on April 4, 2000, at 18:53:49
Tori, You have a medical problem (almost certainly) that needs treatment. Change is possible. Many of us here have felt as you do and many of us no longer feel that way. I hope that, in three days, you'll post that you've made an appointment with a psychiatrist to begin getting treatment and changing things. You wouldn't kill yourself if you had the symptoms of diabetes, would you? You'd go get the chemical that's out of balance in your body and get back in balance. Your suicidal thoughts are a symptom of depression, which can be treated. If the suicidal thoughts get too intense, call a suicide hotline. But above all, see a psychiatrist as soon as you can. Just by reaching out here, you've got dozens of people who care about you. Keep us posted.
> I am giving my self 3 days to change my mind... Nothing on his world
> excites me any more. i have no friends and a low self asteam why is this
> worl so great to live on and why does any one care if someone dies... Its one
> less mouth to feed. If any one has anything that they specifily like tell me..
> maybe i can find a hobby...
Posted by Janice on April 4, 2000, at 23:04:38
In reply to I think i am going to kill my self...., posted by tori hart on April 4, 2000, at 18:53:49
Dear Tori,
I have felt and still sometimes feel the way you do. As I have rapid cycling manic depression, Lately, I've been thinking I may be living my entire life fighting depression--and sometimes on the verge of suicide.
While depressed I cannot remember any other state of being--life before depression, nor imagine life after the depression. Like all these nice folks have pointed out to you, although it's hard to imagine, a change can come quickly. This happens all the time.
What stops me from killing myself is the possibility that there is a God. I have studied religions, and in all but a very few religions, suicide is the worst possible sin a person could commit against God.
Suicide is like giving God the finger. I don't want the chance of having that on my soul.
Tori, please keep us uptodate on your situation.
Janice
Posted by oozak on April 5, 2000, at 0:07:05
In reply to I think i am going to kill my self...., posted by tori hart on April 4, 2000, at 18:53:49
> I am giving my self 3 days to change my mind... Nothing on his world
> excites me any more. i have no friends and a low self asteam why is this
> worl so great to live on and why does any one care if someone dies... Its one
> less mouth to feed. If any one has anything that they specifily like tell me..
> maybe i can find a hobby...^^^^^^^^^^^
That's right, tori, one less bell to answer, one less egg to fry.
Do the world a favor and live.
Do yourself a favor and watch the movie "Life is Beautiful."
If you have the guts, here's what you do: go to a local hospital and ask to speak to someone,
preferably young, who is terminally ill with AIDs or cancer. Tell this sick person what you plan to do.
Try to guess what kind of a reaction you'll get.Count your blessings, while you have them, before you casually throw them away at the expense of others.
Silly, selfish person, understand this: you are not the only one suffering on this planet so you are
certainly not alone.oozak
Posted by Kathie on April 5, 2000, at 1:41:40
In reply to Re: I think i am going to kill my self...., posted by oozak on April 5, 2000, at 0:07:05
Tori,
I hope you do not follow through with your plans. It is not worth it, to yourself or your family. I have seen too many people die by their own hand, and it is a total waste of a life..as would yours be! Hang in there, get help..it is out there!!
Kathie
Posted by Teresa Mills on April 5, 2000, at 7:22:21
In reply to I think i am going to kill my self...., posted by tori hart on April 4, 2000, at 18:53:49
Been there, done that, failed in more than one way... Please re-consider your thoughts and may I say this. Putting all religious issues aside...Think about this: Whether you think so or not you will be hurting those who love you more than your hurting now. So share with someone how you feel that knows you.
The ones you leave behind will be left wondering what they did wrong and the guilt they feel will never go away. Answers to questions they will have will never be answered.
I believe it is true that TIME heals all wounds, but you have to give the time and wait it out. It may take forever, or it may be quick, but when all is said and done--You will know why things worked out the way the did.
Maybe it's a lesson to be learned for you or for someone else...but it will come .
And if you fail, you could be put in jail or put away in a mental hospital for a long time. Did you know its a crime to kill ones-self?
And believe me if you try and fail, you will feel worse than ever, because you will feel ashamed and more of a failure, because although it would seem to be the easiest thing you could do. ITS NOT!
This is your way of asking for help--your last reach to find a purpose--let us help you! Everyone has a purpose in life... Could it be I could help you so when it comes around for someone else to be on your side you could help them?
Please reach out and find the beautiful person you are and the one you use to view that way.
Love and friendship are the greastest gifts one can give and receive and if you feel as though you have lost those--Give them back to someone you it will come full circle.
Woman to woman-you are LOVED and you can love. Let's start over... find what you loved as a child and start living as though you are.
Contact me! I want to give you my experience.
Teresa Mills
Posted by NikkiT on April 5, 2000, at 8:59:14
In reply to I think i am going to kill my self...., posted by tori hart on April 4, 2000, at 18:53:49
Over the past couple fo months, I have / was feeling increasingly suicidal.. THEN, 5 weeks ago, a friend was found dead, from an over dose of various tablets and alcohol. He had left a note explaining all, but the coroner took this away before anyone ahd a chance to read it. I saw what it did to everyone that knew him - I didn't know him particularly well (I'm a friend of his boyfriends) but was so shocked and hurt, and also, I saw what it did to Andy, his boyfriend. Andy blames himself 100%, and it was 4 weeks before the coroner released the suicide note and Andy was able to ahve some idea what happened. There were a number of reasons why, but mostly, it was stuff that could have been, if not solved, but dealt with if only he'd told Andy.
For a very large number of people, their light has been snuffed out by this suicide, and a number of people are now left with the guilt.
As much as I see no point, and think no one would care, I've seen what this has done to people, and hope that if I ever sink as low enough to SERIOUSLY consider it,(rather than my usual apathetic "why do I bother carrying on" routine) I would tell someone, who can remind me of this time.
I;m sure all out thoughts are with you at the moment though... ((((((hugs))))))
Nikki xx
Posted by Cass on April 5, 2000, at 15:21:52
In reply to I know that feeling... but..., posted by NikkiT on April 5, 2000, at 8:59:14
Tori, I sure hope you have read all these posts. A lot of people here care. Maybe now you would like to share some more specifics about your situation, so that people can help you even more. Have you ever had therapy? Do you have a diagnosis? Are you on any medications? How old are you? Many of the people on this board are incredibly knowledgeable and can give you great input if you'd like to share some more about your life. I am wishing you well. Let's hear from you.
Posted by Soreteh on April 5, 2000, at 17:05:12
In reply to Re: I think i am going to kill my self...., posted by oozak on April 5, 2000, at 0:07:05
>
>
> If you have the guts, here's what you do: go to a local hospital and ask to speak to someone,
> preferably young, who is terminally ill with AIDs or cancer
So THAT'S how you keep yourself in such a happy and healthy state-I'm sure it's a real treat for the cancer patients also. And some people say everyone on this board is looking for the "happy pill"! Hey the HMO's could just run group tours to the cancer wards and save a bundle on pharmacy costs!!
> >
> Silly, selfish person, understand this: you are not the only one suffering on this planet so you are
> certainly not alone.
>
You sure know how to cheer a person up! If all else fails try namecalling! Hurting enough to want to die is hardly silly.
Posted by Concerned on April 5, 2000, at 18:15:46
In reply to I think i am going to kill my self...., posted by tori hart on April 4, 2000, at 18:53:49
Hi Tori,
Being alone and without anyone close by to offer support to you is a terribly painful place to be. We all need friends who will make us feel connected and loved. Losing that sense of connection means losing something absolutely VITAL to our well being. Choose a SAFE person to open up to - share your burden with a doctor or therapist. There are people out there who want to give you back what you've lost and will help you to find your way again.
Posted by Joy on April 5, 2000, at 18:23:46
In reply to I think i am going to kill my self...., posted by tori hart on April 4, 2000, at 18:53:49
I like your name.
Thank-you for posting your message here.
It shows all of us how tough things can get.
How are you today?
Joy
Posted by Carolyn on April 5, 2000, at 19:53:51
In reply to I know that feeling... but..., posted by NikkiT on April 5, 2000, at 8:59:14
>Tori:
I have been there, too. I hope I never will be again. There is help available, and there are people who care. This past week a friend of mine lost his wife...not to suicide, but to an embolism in her brain. There was no warning. She just passed out, and twelve hours later was dead, without ever waking up. He is devastated. Imagine how those who care about you...and I know there must be some, would feel if you chose to die this way. If you don't care enough about yourself to give life another try...please think of them!
I will keep you in my prayers. Just hang on...life can be good again. I know.
Posted by tori on April 5, 2000, at 22:09:58
In reply to Tori, can we hear more from you?, posted by Cass on April 5, 2000, at 15:21:52
Hi
hearing from all you people who don't even know me has revived my faith in humanity. I am now waitng for true love. a person to love another another and spen a life time with. This i my new goal. I don't know if i could have followed throught with killing my self. It would just be selfish of me, don't think that is the only reason i am going to do it. I saw a ird today. It was froleking in the cool breeking diping and gliding. It was so content. I just need to find something simple to open my self to. Something that will rejoice in my precence. If anyone else is thinking of doing something so horific as what i was going to do. Go sit in a reterant any watch the people around you. And try to inter act with them. start a convorsation about things so simple:weather, news,what your eating. Don't be afraid of people, they are just like you, they have problems and down moments and good moments. Things are never easy, i have had a first hand acount with this. Time goes on and so does life as long as you let it. If
you are nice to others they will be nice to you. THough some have let there problem capture them and can't deal with comunication. When your looking for someone to talk to, this might sound shalow, but find someone that looks as though you might have something in common. We all have something in common, we have problems.
thank you all for caring about a stranger so much...
Posted by KarenB on April 5, 2000, at 22:44:44
In reply to Re: it's me..., posted by tori on April 5, 2000, at 22:09:58
Tori,
So very glad you are OK. I suggest you print both of your posts for future reference to remind you that a feeling doesn't last forever - things can change in a day or an hour (depends on how rapidly you cycle:)
I didn't write you yesterday, as I was having a particularly bad time myself - but I WAS praying for you. And today, I'm feeling much better too.
Glad to hear from you again. Stay strong. Keep watching birds and talking to strangers in restaurants - whatever it takes to make you glad you're alive.
And remember, God is always ready to listen.
Karen
Posted by anon on April 5, 2000, at 23:10:00
In reply to Re: I think i am going to kill /oozak, posted by Soreteh on April 5, 2000, at 17:05:12
Go bleed in someone else's wound, you idiot!
You missed the whole point of the message.
Anyone for cognitive enhancers?
Posted by Soreteh on April 6, 2000, at 9:40:02
In reply to Re: I think i am going to kill /oozak, posted by anon on April 5, 2000, at 23:10:00
> Go bleed in someone else's wound, you idiot!
> You missed the whole point of the message.
> Anyone for cognitive enhancers?WELL, somebody's having a bad day!!!!! Off to the AIDS ward with you till you learn to count your blessings!!! I'm afraid you're not very convincing as an advocate of medication. Thanks anyway.
Posted by bob on April 6, 2000, at 11:51:09
In reply to Re ; civility civility civility civility /anon, posted by Soreteh on April 6, 2000, at 9:40:02
If you'd like to argue, please take it to a new thread or put your email addresses in so you can discuss this privately. The content of this thread is too important for petty bickering.
Tori, I'm so glad and relieved about your change of mind/heart. As you said, we all have so much in common ... but that's what keeps us from being strangers. I hope you stick around Babbleland -- I'm sure you have as much support to give as everyone sent your way.
cheers,
bob
Posted by Soreteh on April 6, 2000, at 12:44:26
In reply to Civility, and more important matters (i.e. Tori), posted by bob on April 6, 2000, at 11:51:09
> If you'd like to argue, please take it to a new thread or put your email addresses in so you can discuss this privately. The content of this thread is too important for petty bickering.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> Bob-I don't want to argue-my whole point was that name-calling and attempts at shaming people out of feeling suicidal was not helpful.
Please don't feel obliged to be the " board referee". I know you mean well, but you're opinions aren't any more important than anyone else's.
I agree that Tori is important,but so is respect for other people. I don't need a sermonette from you . How can you ask people to respect life if they don't even respect each other? That's what civility is about-respect. Hope this clears things up for you.
Namecalling and disrespect for other people should not be tolerated. Perhaps you have some influence with kazoo aka oozak aka anon. I hope so.
If this board is reserved for "important" posts I think perhaps a little self-censorship might be in order. ;o) cheers right back at you! S.
Posted by Mick on April 7, 2000, at 11:18:32
In reply to Re: Civility, and more important matters (i.e. Tori), posted by Soreteh on April 6, 2000, at 12:44:26
even though you are feeling better you have nothing to lose by seeking a psychiatrist for medication and sharing what makes you feel self-destructive. I know so many sensitive people like you whose moods changed dramatically & for years once their chemistry was back in balance. I feel very strongly that all of us are living for a reason that we cannot understand or change. There is no hard evidence that we shall get this chance again or that the existence after our deaths is a refuge from our problems on this planet. Life is today and tomorrow, not yesterday. Death is for eternity.
Posted by Scott L. Schofield on April 7, 2000, at 12:17:17
In reply to I think i am going to kill my self...., posted by tori hart on April 4, 2000, at 18:53:49
Dear Tori Hart,
I hope you don't mind that I changed some of your writing. I though it might be a bit easier to read. I apologize if I misstated what you had intended to say.
> I am giving my self 3 days to change my mind...
I don't know you, but I would cry and miss you if you go.
> Nothing on this world excites me any more.
This is the biology of depression.
> i have no friends
I don't have any either. It looks like you have made many concerned friends here, though.
> and a low self esteem
I know this feeling well. This is the result of both the biology of depression and your reaction - a very understandable reaction - to what it has done to you. Perhaps it is the result of a lack of independence. Perhaps it is the result of an inability to control the direction of your life, and to contribute to the lives of others. You must feel worthless. I know I do - at times. But it is important to recognize the differences between what you do (or don't do) and what you are. Who and what you are have value. You have value. I don't think you have much choice in this. Look how many people (myself included) have gone out of their way to help you.
There are no guarantees. Thank God for uncertainty. It is uncertainty that has given me the incentive to endure, to continue living. Where there is uncertainty, there is hope. There is no guarantee that things will never get better for you, and that you will never have a life worth living. There is no guarantee that a successful treatment for you will never be found. I do not find much comfort in the saying offered by concerned people that "Where there is Life, there is hope", although there is an inescapable finality when the words are reversed. "Where there is no life, there is no hope". I hope you find comfort, as I have, in the realization that where there is uncertainty, there is hope.
If you stick around, I can *almost* guarantee you that the severity of this crisis will pass, as have all your others. If things don't change for the better real soon, you will probably reach a point of crisis again. This next crisis will also pass, just as my most recent crisis has. Let there be NO misunderstanding. My state of mine during this crisis was triggered by a change in my biology, not by a change in my situation. This may or may not be the case with you. It really doesn't matter. Your state of mind WILL change.
Bye the way, you are not alone in your suffering. The catastrophic results of your illness are not unique. These are just facts.
> why is this world so great to live in
Hopefully, this will soon be an easy question for you to answer for yourself.
> and why does any one care if someone dies...
Because we are all brothers and sisters.
> Its one less mouth to feed.
NEGATIVE thinking resulting from the biology of depression.
> If any one has anything that they would specifically like to tell me.. maybe i can find a hobby...
POSITIVE thinking resulting from your heroic effort to continue living, and to not be defeated by the temporary biology of a depressive disorder. This is a demonstration of your strength of character - who and what you are. It demonstrates the value you place on your own existence. You obviously do have self-esteem. You value yourself. And so do I. And so do others.
With love,
Scott
Posted by Scott L. Schofield on April 7, 2000, at 12:25:26
In reply to Re: it's me..., posted by tori on April 5, 2000, at 22:09:58
> Hi
> hearing from all you people who don't even know me has revived my faith in humanity. I am now waitng for true love. a person to love another another and spen a life time with. This i my new goal. I don't know if i could have followed throught with killing my self. It would just be selfish of me, don't think that is the only reason i am going to do it. I saw a ird today. It was froleking in the cool breeking diping and gliding. It was so content. I just need to find something simple to open my self to. Something that will rejoice in my precence. If anyone else is thinking of doing something so horific as what i was going to do. Go sit in a reterant any watch the people around you. And try to inter act with them. start a convorsation about things so simple:weather, news,what your eating. Don't be afraid of people, they are just like you, they have problems and down moments and good moments. Things are never easy, i have had a first hand acount with this. Time goes on and so does life as long as you let it. If
> you are nice to others they will be nice to you. THough some have let there problem capture them and can't deal with comunication. When your looking for someone to talk to, this might sound shalow, but find someone that looks as though you might have something in common. We all have something in common, we have problems.
> thank you all for caring about a stranger so much...
Oops... I guess I was a little late with my previous post. Please disregard it. :-)I'm glad to see that you are feeling a bit better. Next time, it will be your turn to help me.
- Scott
Posted by gail on April 7, 2000, at 17:13:44
In reply to Re: it's me... - Oops, posted by Scott L. Schofield on April 7, 2000, at 12:25:26
> > Hi
> > hearing from all you people who don't even know me has revived my faith in humanity. I am now waitng for true love. a person to love another another and spen a life time with. This i my new goal. I don't know if i could have followed throught with killing my self. It would just be selfish of me, don't think that is the only reason i am going to do it. I saw a ird today. It was froleking in the cool breeking diping and gliding. It was so content. I just need to find something simple to open my self to. Something that will rejoice in my precence. If anyone else is thinking of doing something so horific as what i was going to do. Go sit in a reterant any watch the people around you. And try to inter act with them. start a convorsation about things so simple:weather, news,what your eating. Don't be afraid of people, they are just like you, they have problems and down moments and good moments. Things are never easy, i have had a first hand acount with this. Time goes on and so does life as long as you let it. If
> > you are nice to others they will be nice to you. THough some have let there problem capture them and can't deal with comunication. When your looking for someone to talk to, this might sound shalow, but find someone that looks as though you might have something in common. We all have something in common, we have problems.
> > thank you all for caring about a stranger so much...
>
>
> Oops... I guess I was a little late with my previous post. Please disregard it. :-)
>
> I'm glad to see that you are feeling a bit better. Next time, it will be your turn to help me.
>
>
> - ScottScott
You are wonderful. Your posts helped me today.
gail
Posted by Scott L. Schofield on April 8, 2000, at 11:31:22
In reply to Re: it's me... - Oops, posted by Scott L. Schofield on April 7, 2000, at 12:25:26
> Hi
> hearing from all you people who don't even know me has revived my faith in humanity. I am now waitng for true love. a person to love another another and spen a life time with. This i my new goal. I don't know if i could have followed throught with killing my self. It would just be selfish of me, don't think that is the only reason i am going to do it. I saw a ird today. It was froleking in the cool breeking diping and gliding. It was so content. I just need to find something simple to open my self to. Something that will rejoice in my precence. If anyone else is thinking of doing something so horific as what i was going to do. Go sit in a reterant any watch the people around you. And try to inter act with them. start a convorsation about things so simple:weather, news,what your eating. Don't be afraid of people, they are just like you, they have problems and down moments and good moments. Things are never easy, i have had a first hand acount with this. Time goes on and so does life as long as you let it.> If you are nice to others they will be nice to you. THough some have let there problem capture them and can't deal with comunication. When your looking for someone to talk to, this might sound shalow, but find someone that looks as though you might have something in common. We all have something in common, we have problems.
Dear Tori,
I reread your post this morning. It is wonderful. It brought me tears of joy and hope. You have helped me today.Thank-you.
- Scott
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