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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by baseball55 on April 27, 2014, at 19:58:01
So my husband and I signed a legal separation agreement so that he can refinance the mortgage and pay me my share of the equity we have in our home. I am signing an agreement to buy a condo this coming Friday.
He has been more than generous. The appraisal on our home came in much lower than expected, but he is giving me a share based on what we think the place would actually sell for. (The area we live in is all these neighborhoods, some desirable, some not. So it's hard to compare prices from one neighborhood to the next). We also agreed to a fair way to divide up our retirement money and, because he makes a lot more than me, a fair monthly sum he will give me toward my expenses.
He's been helping me look for furniture, helping me figure things out. We want to stay close friends. The place I'm leaving is much bigger than the place I'm moving to, with way more storage and he is fine with my leaving stuff behind and keeping a key so I can get what I need when I need it.
So all is good. I have days when I meltdown, but not as many. I find myself thinking positively -- like, where will I hang this print? What color towels should I get for the bathroom?
I know once I have moved, it's going to be hard. I have lived with him for 36 years. Haven't lived alone since I was 20. But I'm trying to keep positive.
Posted by Phillipa on April 28, 2014, at 9:45:21
In reply to update, posted by baseball55 on April 27, 2014, at 19:58:01
I'm sorry to hear things didn't work out. Before I was sick I handled this well. Now I don't think I could. Your strength is coming through. I also remained friends with first. Till he remarried and she wouldn't let him contact me. Phillipa
Posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2014, at 20:44:11
In reply to update, posted by baseball55 on April 27, 2014, at 19:58:01
that is wonderful. i'm not entirely sure what to say. actually, that isn't true. i wrote a bunch of stuff... but... didn't post it.
it was stuff about how maybe you will grieve a bit once you settle into your new place and you can mentally collapse... but then... maybe you won't. maybe... your getting stuck swiftly into the logistics of moving out upon hearing the news wasn't just your way of coping with the situation... maybe it was that that was what you actually wanted. so it wasn't a coping thing so much as a... you living your life thing. maybe you will let out a deep sigh of relief in your candle lit bubble bath (if you are into such things and you are getting a bath)... that you don't have to... keep living a facade... or something...
who knows. i could see people responding either way. or even... cycling between them.
really glad to hear that things are amicable between you. really very. so many times things don't work out that way... so wonderful to hear you still have respect for each other as people and a basic level of... warmth. and kind feelings. after all those years... so many times things don't end up that way... which is really very sad.
Posted by baseball55 on April 29, 2014, at 19:44:58
In reply to Re: update, posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2014, at 20:44:11
> it was stuff about how maybe you will grieve a bit once you settle into your new place and you can mentally collapse... but then... maybe you won't. maybe... your getting stuck swiftly into the logistics of moving out upon hearing the news wasn't just your way of coping with the situation... maybe it was that that was what you actually wanted. so it wasn't a coping thing so much as a... you living your life thing. maybe you will let out a deep sigh of relief in your candle lit bubble bath (if you are into such things and you are getting a bath)... that you don't have to... keep living a facade... or something...
>
I do worry about the meltdown once I leave. I know it's going to be hard to come home and not have him come home an hour or two later. To be alone all evening. I go to AA, so I'm planning on finding new meetings to go to at night, rather than staying home and having dinner with him. But I think I'm going to be okay. I didn't think that a few weeks ago. It's time to move on.I get sad and kind of lowdown when I think about expectations I had - that we would grow old together, take care of one another. I am in my late 50s and he is 60. I never imagined that he would have this belated mid-life crisis BS and just abandon our 36 year relationship. But he did. And I have to keep that in mind. He did. I need to take care of myself and preserve my self-respect. It will be hard. But staying would be hard and not good for my mental health.
I told my p-doc a few weeks ago that I decided to leave (he had met with us both, doing kind of couples counseling and been very shocked by my husband's attitude). When I told him this, he said he was glad. That if I hadn't made this decision, he would have worried that I was "characteralogically ill" - meaning, I guess, that I was so afraid of being abandoned and alone that I would put up with an intolerable situation. That I was too weak in character to take care of myself.
Posted by baseball55 on April 29, 2014, at 19:45:42
In reply to Re: update, posted by alexandra_k on April 28, 2014, at 20:44:11
And thanks Alex for your kind thoughts.
Posted by alexandra_k on April 29, 2014, at 20:54:59
In reply to Re: update, posted by baseball55 on April 29, 2014, at 19:45:42
okay.
sounds like a wonderful moving in present could be a puppy or a kitten. whichever way inclined you are. something to come home to. that would be happy to see you. a bundle of warm fur. that licks tears.
coming home to an empty house is hard for most people, i think. even me... who mostly prefers solitude... who intentionally runs away and hides... has trouble coming home to an empty house sometimes. will turn on the television or radio (though i draw the line at talkback) for the sound of human voices...
meetings sound like a good idea. nice to have that. have you thought about something like group fitness classes? i say that just because it is kinda like meetings in the sense of being something that occurs regularly and you can make it or not make it as you see fit (so not too much social pressure). just as... something to do... with the potential to meet people like yourself...
i think maybe that is the thing...
the US is fairly different from this part of the world with respect to more of an eating out culture. i guess it is a bit hard because you mentioned AA... but i was fairly surprised at how as a female i could make the local bar / eatery my own hang out space and the bartender / waitresses job seemed to be to... uh... socially facilitate. somewhat. so there would be a bunch of people who would eat / hang out there regularly. sorta like 'cheers' ha. anyway... the bar thing is hard... but it sorta worked for the company... pool... whatever...
or work... depending... departmental seminars etc etc. everyone seems to want a lively seminar series with hanging out and entertaining the speaker but nobody seems to want to step up and organise it... or whatever...
some kind of... hobby... photography... some people get into art... i don't know. if you are interested in indie rpg's i really reccommend 'avernum: escape from the pit'. it starts pretty slow (IMHO) but things are picking up considerably with some decent AOE spells from the mages and (surprisingly enough, but making me happy) the priest, too...
Posted by baseball55 on April 30, 2014, at 19:26:39
In reply to Re: update, posted by alexandra_k on April 29, 2014, at 20:54:59
thanks for the ideas, Alex. I'm leaving behind two cats. They have lived here since they were 8 weeks old and I don't feel it's fair to move them. But I am looking a trying to find another pair of kittens. A friend is helping me look.
I have been taking drawing classes and hope to continue this. The class I take now is six women, plus the teacher, and is very social and relaxing. It's a good break from my normal quantitative, analytical work. The adult ed place only has beginning drawing classes, but I figure I can take beginning drawing over and over again and get better and better at it. So there's that.
Friends, meetings, dinner with friends. Once a week, I will probably get together for dinner with my ex. We've gone out once a week regularly for years and years.
Fitness classes would be cool, except I have arthritis in both knees and can't do a lot of stuff. Also, the classes at my gym tend to be all young women and I am old....But something to look into. Maybe a yoga class or two.
I'm trying to remain positive. For a while, I'll have lots of practical stuff to occupy me - moving, getting furniture (he is keeping the furniture and I am keeping the car). After that's all settled down, I will need to take care.
I know you can be a loner and I can too. But being alone can wear on me. I only like it in small doses.
Where I live, there are a lot of bars/restaurants where it's easy for a single person to hang out. But hanging around bars is a danger for me. Plus, I can't afford eating out much.
Posted by Phillipa on April 30, 2014, at 20:15:47
In reply to Re: update, posted by baseball55 on April 30, 2014, at 19:26:39
Classes sound like an excellent idea. I also don't like the idea of bars. Today they can end up being dangerous. Nice that you and ex will go out for dinner weekly. Phillipa
Posted by alexandra_k on May 1, 2014, at 3:43:50
In reply to Re: update, posted by baseball55 on April 30, 2014, at 19:26:39
aw, two kittens. i've heard people say that once you get two of them then you really don't think to just get one of them. once you see kittens play together, i mean. the drawing class sounds cool. yeah, i don't suppose it matters what level it is at. something like that. the pleasure is in the activity.
that is a bit of a shame about the fitness classes. that there aren't more people around your age. i have athritic ankles so find fitness classes hard going when they are jump-y. i quite like the bodybalance / yoga / stretching ones. and a bit of zumba for a change but i do fall over my feet, rather. have never had trouble with my knees, so i don't know what that is like. except that improving hip and ankle mobility can sometimes help knees (because knees will move to compensate for mobility deficits at the joint above and below and knees aren't supposed to move about very much except to simple hinge)...
anyway... i didn't mean to be instructive (and i don't think you interpreted me that way, anyhow). just... engaging in dialogue... so you hopefully feel tha tyou can come here and talk, at least.
Posted by SLS on May 1, 2014, at 12:34:47
In reply to update, posted by baseball55 on April 27, 2014, at 19:58:01
I know that we don't always get along, but I would like to extend to you my best wishes. You are certainly resilient and resolved enough to get through this difficult period along your journey through life.
You'll be okay.
- Scott
Posted by baseball55 on May 1, 2014, at 20:21:54
In reply to Re: update, posted by alexandra_k on May 1, 2014, at 3:43:50
Huh. That's interesting about hips and ankles and knees. I think I really need to find a yoga class for old f*rts like myself. There are some around. But I live in Boston where practically half the population are young college students. It's a college mecca.
Don't worry about sounding instructive. I can use instruction right about now
Posted by baseball55 on May 1, 2014, at 20:23:05
In reply to Re: update » baseball55, posted by SLS on May 1, 2014, at 12:34:47
> I know that we don't always get along, but I would like to extend to you my best wishes. You are certainly resilient and resolved enough to get through this difficult period along your journey through life.
>
> You'll be okay.
>
>
> - Scott
Except for not agreeing about interest rates, I figure we've always gotten along pretty well. Where else did we not get along?
Posted by alexandra_k on May 2, 2014, at 20:16:16
In reply to Re: update » alexandra_k, posted by baseball55 on May 1, 2014, at 20:21:54
> Huh. That's interesting about hips and ankles and knees. I think I really need to find a yoga class for old f*rts like myself. There are some around. But I live in Boston where practically half the population are young college students. It's a college mecca.
Ah... I have a 45 year old powerlifting friend in Boston... She ended up... Taking some time out to get instruction from... Someone... Who worked with injury rehab... All properly, like. Get the muscles working properly and it takes the load off the joints... Athritis problems can sometimes magically disappear when you get muscles working to hold the joint differently so you don't get the bone on bone / inflammation... There are People Who Know about... But I'm honestly not sure where you would find them / how accessable they are to people who aren't sort of... Obsessed with that.. The way other people are obsessed with therapy... If you get what I mean... I don't think potential orthopedic surgeons are supposed to look at joint problems in quite this way, ha :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kd3geRXtlTM
Group fitness classes... Are really dependent on the instructor... There are quite a lot of passionate and genuine people about... Who can be really very helpful... E.g., I learned a lot from this guy on foot mobility (and on just what feet can do!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XfAJa0yNliM
hip mobility / gluteal activation
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7vqi2_G14Y
sorry... i loves this stuff...
This is the end of the thread.
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