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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 29, 2014, at 19:57:17
It's had a very steep learning curve. I know that I am giving out mixed messages all the time, which must be the most frustrating thing in the world. I don't know, you see someone you love crying, so you want to comfort them? It seems straightforward.
But I have lost that feeling of separation, solitude, and insight. Instead I feel enormous pressures to try new (untried) social situations. I have asked for this to stop, for the stimulation to just back off.
I can see and hear the desperation and fear when he suggests these things. As if leaving me alone will drive me from him. What I have been looking for, though, is isolation within my own home, if it is possible. Sleeping through the day is dumb, though depression makes it doable. I am all but pushing my husband to go and find a life of his own. Something I don't think he has any experience with.
So far our attempt at having a friend as a couple has been a disaster as my husband has such low self esteem and no experience that my interaction with this other person is perceived as a direct threat. Foolish, immature, but taken as a nonsense direction it poses no threat long term to the friendship. My previous marriage had friends who were couples, singles, saw us one or the other without issue. My spouse apparently is without experience. It hurts me, yes, because the intellectual stimulation is stolen away.
But that is today. It may change. The marriage may yet end if his therapy is of no help. He needs a lot of help. I think I am going to be OK. As long as someone loves me.
Posted by Phillipa on March 30, 2014, at 9:38:12
In reply to Living at home, cont'd, posted by Partlycloudy on March 29, 2014, at 19:57:17
This friend is not part of a couple but a male who you wish to be friends with, include your husband, but then when home lead separate lives when home. Or did I totally misinterpret? Phillipa
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 30, 2014, at 10:43:10
In reply to Re: Living at home, cont'd » Partlycloudy, posted by Phillipa on March 30, 2014, at 9:38:12
He is someone my husband and I have been friends with but now my husband feels threatened by (for no reason I can detect) and so I am to be excluded from any social activities. I gave up on that one as a show of immaturity that is well beyond my control.
I know where this is headed. God help me, I don't think I am well enough, sane enough to do it. He can't even keep his word on promises made one day to the next. I am doing a lot of crying.
Posted by Phillipa on March 30, 2014, at 20:31:22
In reply to Re: Living at home, cont'd » Phillipa, posted by Partlycloudy on March 30, 2014, at 10:43:10
So his friend now only. No idea what to do? Phillipa
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 31, 2014, at 7:09:00
In reply to Re: Living at home, cont'd » Partlycloudy, posted by Phillipa on March 30, 2014, at 20:31:22
> So his friend now only. No idea what to do? Phillipa
Go on with grace. It's not a fight worth having. I think I have a long haul before practically I can do anything, so I will try to make this period as quiet as I can. Yesterday, I just left the house for a couple of hours and refused to talk about it when I came home.
Try to get on living my life as I want to until I can really make the break. But the drama has to end. I am too exhausted to keep that crap up.
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 31, 2014, at 14:53:05
In reply to Re: Living at home, cont'd » Phillipa, posted by Partlycloudy on March 31, 2014, at 7:09:00
Much more quiet today. Deciding to be kind (to myself and to him) is a much healthier way to approach this turbulent period in our lives. As the outcome seems to change with the weather, I am reserving any decision on that. He helped put up a few pictures in the room with me, to make it less anonymous.
I think he "gets" the privacy and solitude issues now. That they are a reflection of my needs, rather than a rejection of his.
Posted by Phillipa on March 31, 2014, at 20:36:11
In reply to Re: Living at home, cont'd, posted by Partlycloudy on March 31, 2014, at 14:53:05
Sort of compromise?
Posted by Partlycloudy on April 1, 2014, at 6:42:29
In reply to Re: Living at home, cont'd » Partlycloudy, posted by Phillipa on March 31, 2014, at 20:36:11
> Sort of compromise?
Definitely. Neither of us are happy, although I am grateful for the extra personal space.
Posted by Poet on April 2, 2014, at 18:53:01
In reply to Living at home, cont'd, posted by Partlycloudy on March 29, 2014, at 19:57:17
At least your private space is more comforting, that's a start. I would be miserable if my husband was clingy, I give you credit for hanging in there. What does his therapist think: is he making any progress. Keep in mind I stared at my shoes for a few years, so I get progress can be slow.
I agree he needs a life of his own as do you. You're like a prisoner physically and mentally and you don't even get time alone in the break yard. I think you will be okay and make a list of the people who do love and care about you.
Poet
Posted by Partlycloudy on April 3, 2014, at 8:58:37
In reply to Re: Living at home, cont'd » Partlycloudy, posted by Poet on April 2, 2014, at 18:53:01
His therapist thinks I am the problem, based, no doubt, on what she is hearing from her.
I had a final straw moment yesterday at the doctor's office. Once again due to his infamous denial that refuses to acknowledge an elephant in the room. This one, though, will impact me for the rest of my life. The decision has been made.
:-(
Posted by Partlycloudy on April 3, 2014, at 10:10:06
In reply to Re: Living at home, cont'd » Poet, posted by Partlycloudy on April 3, 2014, at 8:58:37
I meant, what his therapist is hearing from him.
Posted by Partlycloudy on April 3, 2014, at 17:05:00
In reply to Re: Living at home, cont'd » Partlycloudy, posted by Partlycloudy on April 3, 2014, at 10:10:06
Definitely. No crocodile tears or threats of financial ruin. I have become measurably less healthy in this marriage. Now I am physically less than confident because of it, his deniability.
I promised not to make any moves about living accommodations until he returns - tomorrow. But preparing, and preparing for the gaslighting. He has NOT helped me. I would rather have a money poor existence than be trapped by this tyrant.
I won't turn back this time.
Posted by Poet on April 3, 2014, at 18:15:25
In reply to Which means, moving out, posted by Partlycloudy on April 3, 2014, at 17:05:00
Hi PC,
I hope your prison break goes without a hitch. Sometimes you have to put your own welfare first and it seems you have the determination to do it.
Poet
Posted by baseball55 on April 3, 2014, at 19:59:38
In reply to Which means, moving out, posted by Partlycloudy on April 3, 2014, at 17:05:00
Well, I feel for you and know how hard this is. But sometimes you reach a point where your own mental health/self-respect/self-esteem is being destabilized by staying.
I'm on the edge of that point, but still able to feel I can take my time. If you are past that point, then it's probably time to go. Hard as that is. And, of course, as I am finding, the economic issues make things so much harder. If it weren't so complicated financially, I would be gone already.
After couples separate, their living standards decline (at least financially) and this is especially true for women.
Good luck. Keep us posted.
Posted by Phillipa on April 3, 2014, at 20:29:55
In reply to Re: Which means, moving out » Partlycloudy, posted by baseball55 on April 3, 2014, at 19:59:38
I had started a plan when saw the marriage would never work after the 7 years of counseling. I was younger though in 30's. So had a small own Dance Aerobics Business, Used to money to put myself through first year of RN school, then won full scholarships for full second year. I also had a guy in the background as the separation agreement said dating was fine and plans to marry. So when I was young had options. So divorced, was working full time, planning to marry, knew I would get 75% of home as my Dad had given our first home to us which the courts figured allowed us to move up the ladder to much more expensive home. Money wasn't a problem in my case then. If same happened today. I am not emotionally strong enough. The money would come as own more than he does in this home and all the new furniture. But I am sticking it out unless something happens. No cheating. Phillipa
Posted by alexandra_k on April 3, 2014, at 22:50:56
In reply to Re: Which means, moving out, posted by Phillipa on April 3, 2014, at 20:29:55
the money thing is really very hard. i'm not entirely sure how on earth i got to be self sufficient as i am... but i really do count my blessings most days... and remember to be grateful. not that i have much... but i have everything i need... and perhaps a bit more, sometimes.
if you do strike out on your own for a bit there isn't anything to stop you seeing how / whether your relationship develops. i mean to say: it doesn't have to be final / the end. you can see it as a 'time out'. maybe get him to take you out on dates and court you again. or something. you'll definately get the space you need... and time and space to see whether you prefer to be on your own or not.
Posted by Partlycloudy on April 4, 2014, at 8:39:04
In reply to Re: Which means, moving out » Partlycloudy, posted by baseball55 on April 3, 2014, at 19:59:38
I believe I am at the point where I feel I could walk out the door with my cat, live in a one bedroom apartment, and live as meagrely as I have done in the past, and be much healthier for it.
He vascillates between rage and threats, to professing love. The loudest sound, though, has been the threat of loss of income. That is no longer a threat that has any meaning to me. I know I can live with much much less.If I don't take care of myself, the no one will. I have seen this dynamic play out in his family too many times. I won't back down this time.
Good luck to you. This is not an easy thing we are contemplating.
PC
Posted by Phillipa on April 4, 2014, at 20:39:18
In reply to Re: Which means, moving out » baseball55, posted by Partlycloudy on April 4, 2014, at 8:39:04
PC so from the separate bedrooms, space for you, you have progressed to really thinking or have already decided to find your own place? Phillipa
Posted by Partlycloudy on April 5, 2014, at 5:48:33
In reply to Re: Which means, moving out » Partlycloudy, posted by Phillipa on April 4, 2014, at 20:39:18
> PC so from the separate bedrooms, space for you, you have progressed to really thinking or have already decided to find your own place? Phillipa
I told him I am doing so. He has offered to help. It went well, but I am nervous and not at all certain I want him knowing where I will be living. But it is a step.
PC
Posted by Phillipa on April 5, 2014, at 19:18:54
In reply to Re: Which means, moving out, posted by Partlycloudy on April 5, 2014, at 5:48:33
A giant step and a scary one to me. Phillipa
This is the end of the thread.
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