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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 14 to 38 of 38. Go back in thread:
Posted by sleepygirl2 on March 6, 2014, at 18:24:35
In reply to Re: Nope. » Phil, posted by Partlycloudy on March 5, 2014, at 23:25:32
Geez, PC,
I'm so sorry.
I hate that this sucks so much.
Posted by Phillipa on March 6, 2014, at 18:55:02
In reply to Re: Nope. » Phil, posted by Partlycloudy on March 6, 2014, at 16:11:20
I feel it's a good decision. Phillipa
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 6, 2014, at 19:44:20
In reply to Re: Nope. » Partlycloudy, posted by Phillipa on March 6, 2014, at 18:55:02
In my gut it feels right. I may be sick with PTSD and depression and anxiety, but he did not cause it. He is making it worse, and I hope that he is able to progress to the point of making his environment healthier all around. It is probably over for us, but I don't hate him for his parents. The schmucks.
Posted by Phillipa on March 6, 2014, at 20:30:52
In reply to Re: Nope. » Phillipa, posted by Partlycloudy on March 6, 2014, at 19:44:20
Listen to you gut. Your gut feeling is usually right. For now the separate rooms provide distancing. It will work. Phillipa
Posted by Poet on March 6, 2014, at 21:09:33
In reply to Nope., posted by Partlycloudy on March 5, 2014, at 19:53:20
Hi PC,
So so very sorry your husband is not seeing that the forest has no trees in it just dead stumps. I'm not an attorney so I can't give legal advice, but one thing I'm good at is interpreting state statutes. If you'd like me to poke around when I can and see if he can refuse to a separation I can. I know where I am is a community property state so there's no alimony, etc. Let me know if I can at least do some legal research.
Poet
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 7, 2014, at 6:59:42
In reply to Re: Nope., posted by Poet on March 6, 2014, at 21:09:33
Separation in our state is legal but has no bearing on the state of a marriage (!). Although my husband is pleading about being emotionally detached from me living down the hall, the real reason he has already shown against true separation is the additional cost it would incur. The tune changes according to the real estate.
My state splits assets 50/50, so I would be entitled to alimony. This was the sticking point when I was about to start proceedings before. My act of divorce would cut his retirement savings in half.
Somewhere in there is the truth.
Posted by Ronnjee on March 7, 2014, at 8:56:17
In reply to Re: Nope. » Poet, posted by Partlycloudy on March 7, 2014, at 6:59:42
> Separation in our state is legal but has no bearing on the state of a marriage (!). Although my husband is pleading about being emotionally detached from me living down the hall, the real reason he has already shown against true separation is the additional cost it would incur. The tune changes according to the real estate.
>
> My state splits assets 50/50, so I would be entitled to alimony. This was the sticking point when I was about to start proceedings before. My act of divorce would cut his retirement savings in half.
>
> Somewhere in there is the truth.
>
So, are you saying that if money wasn't an issue, the separation and divorce would be a LOT easier, and that otherwise it would've probably happened already? If so, I think you might have your answer. I suppose you need to decide which losses you need to cut - financial ones or emotional ones; yours, not his.I'm relatively certain that the 50/50 split is not forced upon a couple, unless a financial agreement cannot be agreed upon, in writing, in which case the judge decides. You and your STBX can, if you want to, make your own deal - that's what my wife and her ex did. Obviously, if you want the 50/50 and he doesn't, you'll need to rely on the legal remedy.
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 7, 2014, at 10:22:06
In reply to Re: Nope., posted by Ronnjee on March 7, 2014, at 8:56:17
What the talks of separation (we can't afford it) and the in-place result of it (how much he is suffering emotionally) closely mirror the divorce issues so far.
Divorce would be best for my health. My current source of income is disability support. So, practically I would need and would be entitled to alimony and half the assets. At this point, any talk of love and commitment has gone out the window. The claws are unsheathed, and it becomes how I am Out To Get Him.
In my mind, he is talking out of both sides of his mouth. If he loved me, he would do what he could to help my mental health, which has been proposed to be a full divorce. He sees it as an attack on his financial resources, and there is no love. Has there ever been any love? I haven't experienced any emotional support since we were first married, and I drank heavily to self medicate. I guess it was easier for him then?
It is all messed up. I slept really well in my own room. Woke up with my cat nestled at my feet. He did not sleep well at all.
There is a lot going on here.
Posted by Ronnjee on March 7, 2014, at 11:06:28
In reply to Re: Nope. » Ronnjee, posted by Partlycloudy on March 7, 2014, at 10:22:06
Sounds like you are being reasonable and rational, and I advise you do everything you can to stay that way, despite what he says or does.
Please do be cautious of possibilities that you are adopting behaviors meant to force his hand, as opposed to doing what's best for you.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 7, 2014, at 19:08:39
In reply to Re: Nope. » Ronnjee, posted by Partlycloudy on March 7, 2014, at 10:22:06
Finances always make things harder. People are quite a lot like slime mould, I think. Band together when resources are scarce. You always do take a financial hit living independently. Hard to put a dollar value on other things like privacy and freedom/independence.
With the half-half division of resources thing... I guess there are good reasons behind people utilising lawyers to negotiate such arrangements. I mean, It can be the case that both parties come to an arrangement that is different from the precise letter of the law. E.g., fairly sure my mother came out with more than half because she contributed more to the asset pool initially, worked a part time job while being primary caregiver for me, because he wanted out more than her, and because he had a full time job with higher earning potential whereas she would need welfare. So... she got enough to get a cheap place freehold whereas he needed a mortgage.
Anyway... I'm not entirely sure why the best course wouldn't be to secure a rental short term. Maybe take 6 months to think. Then let the lawyers handle the finances. Unless... Your leaving is dependent on maintaining a certain lifestyle. I don't know.
Posted by baseball55 on March 7, 2014, at 19:35:09
In reply to Re: Nope., posted by alexandra_k on March 7, 2014, at 19:08:39
The financial issues are really difficult unless you are very well off. I had recent issues with my husband which made me consider divorcing (we are working things out) and I looked around at real estate prices, rents, etc. We would both be so much worse off financially that I couldn't believe it.
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 7, 2014, at 19:35:56
In reply to Re: Nope., posted by alexandra_k on March 7, 2014, at 19:08:39
The least expensive place I could find wanted seven months' rent up front in lieu of my having employment. Huge chunk of money. I have tried repeatedly and fall apart in a most spectacular way when I have attempted to work.
I am feeling like that Loser word again.
The roommate arrangement, though, might be showing promise. I really can't live on my own without making a significant financial impact, and it has paralysed me into place.
I think I am staying in bed tomorrow.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 7, 2014, at 20:06:05
In reply to Re: Nope., posted by Partlycloudy on March 7, 2014, at 19:35:56
> The least expensive place I could find wanted seven months' rent up front in lieu of my having employment. Huge chunk of money. I have tried repeatedly and fall apart in a most spectacular way when I have attempted to work.
> I am feeling like that Loser word again.
> The roommate arrangement, though, might be showing promise. I really can't live on my own without making a significant financial impact, and it has paralysed me into place.
> I think I am staying in bed tomorrow.I'm sorry to hear that. I do remember what a mission it was for me to secure this place, though, so I'm not entirely surprised. It is unfortunate, but many people do wreck places. Or use them to make meth or whatever, as you know, heh.
I wonder if there might be a consumer / volunteer / charity organisation that might be able to help / advise you. Here... We have women's refuge and salvation army. If I had been in a relationship and was looking for assistance (they might even have support groups) for separation, I'd start there. Clubs, too. New Image... Singles Clubs... For help with the little things that don't learn until you need to. How to get rid of bugs etc (I only semi-jest).
House mates can be good, yeah. I think a huge part of why people have them is to ease the financial costs. Sharing accommodation and utilities helps a lot. Sundry items like toilet paper and handsoap etc can help some, too. And moving into a furnished place... And the company. When you are used to living with others coming home to an empty house... Can really get to people in ways they don't expect. It is one thing for it to be blissfully unoccupied on occasion... It can be quite another thing for it to be unoccupied always. Can be nice to have someone to check on you and con you into watching feel-good movies etc. Someone to help you take care of bugs.
It is hard though. And scary too... Yeah... Looking for this place... Was one of the hardest things I've done...
Posted by Phillipa on March 7, 2014, at 20:31:23
In reply to Re: Nope., posted by Partlycloudy on March 7, 2014, at 19:35:56
I like the separate bedroom for now. Seems to be working a bit. And your living arrangements are still intact. I wouldn't want a roommate. Have to learn someone else's habits all over again. Phillipa
Posted by alexandra_k on March 7, 2014, at 20:57:18
In reply to Re: Nope. » Partlycloudy, posted by Phillipa on March 7, 2014, at 20:31:23
> I wouldn't want a roommate. Have to learn someone else's habits all over again.
Perhaps. It really does depend on the set-up. E.g., split level and you pretty much get a floor to yourself - perhaps only sharing kitchen. Hard to know what is available in the area. It is common in the US to have ensuite bathrooms, at least. And often there is more than one living area which could be more or less private vs shared depending on negotiation.
Some people eat out all the time. Other people live in the kitchen. So hard to know with that, too. And then you have people who work shifts so living with them can be like ships passing...
It can be nice to have your own space... But some communal / shared space too. That way if you do feel lonely there is potential there... Most of the people I know really enjoyed their time flatting with others... They look back on it as some of the best memories of their life. If they split up from their present relationships they would be back looking for 5 people in a house (the trouble with just one other is that insofar as a relationship forms it will be intense because their won't be another... influence / input. But then 3 can be like ganging up... But then 4 can be a little like 2 and 2... So 5... Some people swear by 5).
Ugh.
heh.
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 8, 2014, at 7:35:08
In reply to Re: Nope., posted by alexandra_k on March 7, 2014, at 20:57:18
I hadn't even considered looking for a place with a roommate. I have to say, my mind is all over the place on this. Not complacent - I am far too unhappy to be that. But having a room to shut a door is really satisfying. The only creature scrambling to get in is the cat, and her intentions are outright insincere. The door is closed and she wants it opened.
My message of my own time and isolation have sunk in too. He is doing thing during the day rather than asking me to do everything with him. (For now.)
I really appreciate everyone's thoughtful input and caring responses. THIS is what Babble means to me.
PC
Posted by Ronnjee on March 8, 2014, at 10:49:09
In reply to Re: Nope., posted by Partlycloudy on March 8, 2014, at 7:35:08
PC, nobody can really know what's best for another person, but I'm positive that we all have our best wishes and intentions. Many of us know the heartache and the difficulties, and can surely empathise. Hang in there!
Posted by alexandra_k on March 8, 2014, at 14:59:30
In reply to Re: Nope., posted by Ronnjee on March 8, 2014, at 10:49:09
> PC, nobody can really know what's best for another person
that is so true. it is so tempting for people to mis-represent the situation. make it so much simpler than it is and then say the solution is obvious.
math has a lot to answer for.
sniff.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 8, 2014, at 15:04:53
In reply to Re: Nope., posted by alexandra_k on March 8, 2014, at 14:59:30
(sorry - that was a weird post. i was actually thinking that my ot did that a little in our last session. i felt like she did... she was too quick to represent what i was thinking as being black and white or whatever. because she has stuff to say or do about black and white thinking or whatever. so she is primed to interpret me in a certain way and then she has these things to do... and these things that she does is supposed to help.. only they don't so much. because any of that stuff that i used to do have been effectively cured thanks. and because it is misrepresenting me... misrepresenting / misunderstanding my thought processes to construe me as such).
sigh. that wasn't clear either. my point:
i realised that math actually has helped a lot... insofar as the existence of buildings etc attest to the fact that our oversimplified models of physical systems etc work pretty well for some purposes... but i wasn't being sarcastic... facecious... i don't know... my words are falling out... i was actually thinking of the last paragraph.
and how simple things can seem when you aren't immersed in them. i guess sometimes it is helpful. sometimes the other crap that overwhelms when you are in a situation can profitably be ignored. but othertimes... it is crucial.
most importantly: of all the people who might advice you... they don't have to live with the consequences of the decision.
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 8, 2014, at 20:08:01
In reply to Re: Nope., posted by alexandra_k on March 8, 2014, at 15:04:53
Yeah, I've had a wee cry over my decisions. As my spouse becomes more respectful of my requests to be isolated and left alone, it leaves us both with more to think about.
I have downloaded some apps about looking for rentals. Nothing really is done in print anymore (unless it is dodgy). My depression has taken a huge uptick, so I am just keeping a low profile and moving at the speed of a tortoise. Happy to have the room in the house sorted out for my needs. I have written some stuff in my journal, tough at first but I think I have more to come. This really does feel like an evolution or birthing pains? or a really uncomfortable transition. Why can't I be a boring crazy person?
I ordered a couple more yoga Nidra CD's that seem to help so much with the PTSD. Anything that helps to ground me, react less profoundly is helpful. This has been the first non pharmaceutical therapy that has helped. I am amping it up a bit.
Posted by Phillipa on March 8, 2014, at 20:12:15
In reply to Re: Nope., posted by Partlycloudy on March 8, 2014, at 20:08:01
Sitting on the Beach, walking it listening to the sounds of the waves, birds all can also be soothing. Phillipa
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 8, 2014, at 21:02:43
In reply to Re: Nope. » Partlycloudy, posted by Phillipa on March 8, 2014, at 20:12:15
True. But it is spring break season here. Everything that the last movie makes it look like. What's his name? James Franco made it last year. All local shooting. You would NEVER want to come here, no kidding!!!
Posted by Phillipa on March 8, 2014, at 21:29:21
In reply to Re: Nope., posted by Partlycloudy on March 8, 2014, at 21:02:43
No place to find even there. Surprised. Figured that Most would hit Lauderdale, Daytona, South Beach, Orlando? Phillipa
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 9, 2014, at 7:57:06
In reply to Re: Nope. » Partlycloudy, posted by Phillipa on March 8, 2014, at 21:29:21
Most are seasonal rentals here, and it's HIGH season. The prices are crazy high so far. I am looking farther from where I wanted to be now.
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 11, 2014, at 9:18:38
In reply to Re: Nope., posted by Partlycloudy on March 9, 2014, at 7:57:06
Separation at home has been helping my anxiety a lot. Spouse has been honouring my request for more time by myself and not trying to involve me in every activity.
It has created a sense of space and safety (?) that wasn't there before. I am glad I am taking my time over this major decision, since this phase is showing a lot of growth and compromise on his part.I intend to keep judgement and my sense of what's best at arm's length for now. It wasn't a hurried matter to marry in the first place. Waiting and working on it.
This is the end of the thread.
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