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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 2 to 26 of 38. Go back in thread:
Posted by Phil on March 5, 2014, at 20:21:31
In reply to Nope., posted by Partlycloudy on March 5, 2014, at 19:53:20
one of life's hardest situations. sorry you have to deal with it.
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 5, 2014, at 23:25:32
In reply to Re: Nope. » Partlycloudy, posted by Phil on March 5, 2014, at 20:21:31
I really really wanted this to work. I wanted my husband to be well. It's killing me that I can't shield myself from this. And that love is not enough. I can't get better in this environment, and he won't agree to a separation. I feel like an utter failure.
Why does love have to hurt so much?
Posted by Ronnjee on March 6, 2014, at 9:07:33
In reply to Re: Nope. » Phil, posted by Partlycloudy on March 5, 2014, at 23:25:32
My emotional state at the end of my first (27 years) marriage was more about a shattered dream than anything else. The realization is like waking up in a strange land, and not knowing anything about where you are or how to navigate. I think it's a lot like that for many couples. The pain was excruciating, the confusion overwhelming.
Prior to our actual physical separation, I began to realize that the marriage wasn't going to work for either of us, and that there was just too much water over the dam. Counseling only emphasized how much we were on different pages, which may not have been such a bad thing, after all.
My fault? Her fault? Ultimately, it didn't matter.
We had to move on, no matter how difficult. Delaying the inevitable any more than we already had would have been even more stupid.You and your soon-to-be-ex will each be better off without each other, so please try not to backpedal.
Posted by Ronnjee on March 6, 2014, at 9:16:15
In reply to Nope., posted by Partlycloudy on March 5, 2014, at 19:53:20
Posted by Phillipa on March 6, 2014, at 9:34:25
In reply to Nope., posted by Partlycloudy on March 5, 2014, at 19:53:20
PC road rage? Same here I try and tune it out? Why won't he leave you alone to meditate? Here we have separate spaces at times. Phillipa
Posted by Phil on March 6, 2014, at 9:36:17
In reply to Re: Nope. » Phil, posted by Partlycloudy on March 5, 2014, at 23:25:32
wish i had an answer. my life has been so pitiful my two last friends couldn't take it. so, keep moving and try to see the love all around you. it's better than dwelling on the knife in your back.
Posted by Phil on March 6, 2014, at 9:39:15
In reply to Nope., posted by Partlycloudy on March 5, 2014, at 19:53:20
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 6, 2014, at 16:02:43
In reply to PC, for you, posted by Ronnjee on March 6, 2014, at 9:16:15
Thanks, Ronnjee
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 6, 2014, at 16:11:20
In reply to Re: Nope., posted by Phil on March 6, 2014, at 9:39:15
Aw, thanks Phil. He is super confused right now. For cost considerations I am moving my life into the extra room in the house. "This is temporary, right?" "You'll still be here, right?" I impressed my need for isolation and solitude, and brought up the anger issues that are triggering me so badly. So a wimpy solution for the short term, but he's getting the picture better of what's at stake. I doubt it will make a difference, but this is the only chance he has with taking a look at his effect on others. If he cares about it.
It isn't that I can't move out. He thinks he has been given a chance; he is missing all the clues, but we aren't doing well talking about it. Last ditch effort.
Posted by Phil on March 6, 2014, at 17:02:53
In reply to Re: Nope. » Phil, posted by Partlycloudy on March 6, 2014, at 16:11:20
as if mental illness isn't enough. guys are stupid when it comes to talking. i think a lot of us can't identify what we're feeling so we guess at what the other person wants to hear. he is not being honest because he's not being honest with himself. he just doesn't know.
Posted by Phil on March 6, 2014, at 17:10:52
In reply to Re: Nope. » Phil, posted by Partlycloudy on March 6, 2014, at 16:11:20
i was there myself, pre therapy pre meds. i lived with a pretty, smart, people person girl. i couldn't give her a straight answer because i was scared. it was painful to her and me. i just couldn't find the words. one day i said, it's just not there. she was crushed and i was walking around scratching my head. it was difficult.
Posted by Phil on March 6, 2014, at 17:16:11
In reply to Re: Nope. » Partlycloudy, posted by Phil on March 6, 2014, at 17:10:52
that was the first time that depression really slammed me. i remember sitting on the stairs to my apt feeling like my soul died staring at a gray world.
Posted by sleepygirl2 on March 6, 2014, at 18:24:35
In reply to Re: Nope. » Phil, posted by Partlycloudy on March 5, 2014, at 23:25:32
Geez, PC,
I'm so sorry.
I hate that this sucks so much.
Posted by Phillipa on March 6, 2014, at 18:55:02
In reply to Re: Nope. » Phil, posted by Partlycloudy on March 6, 2014, at 16:11:20
I feel it's a good decision. Phillipa
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 6, 2014, at 19:44:20
In reply to Re: Nope. » Partlycloudy, posted by Phillipa on March 6, 2014, at 18:55:02
In my gut it feels right. I may be sick with PTSD and depression and anxiety, but he did not cause it. He is making it worse, and I hope that he is able to progress to the point of making his environment healthier all around. It is probably over for us, but I don't hate him for his parents. The schmucks.
Posted by Phillipa on March 6, 2014, at 20:30:52
In reply to Re: Nope. » Phillipa, posted by Partlycloudy on March 6, 2014, at 19:44:20
Listen to you gut. Your gut feeling is usually right. For now the separate rooms provide distancing. It will work. Phillipa
Posted by Poet on March 6, 2014, at 21:09:33
In reply to Nope., posted by Partlycloudy on March 5, 2014, at 19:53:20
Hi PC,
So so very sorry your husband is not seeing that the forest has no trees in it just dead stumps. I'm not an attorney so I can't give legal advice, but one thing I'm good at is interpreting state statutes. If you'd like me to poke around when I can and see if he can refuse to a separation I can. I know where I am is a community property state so there's no alimony, etc. Let me know if I can at least do some legal research.
Poet
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 7, 2014, at 6:59:42
In reply to Re: Nope., posted by Poet on March 6, 2014, at 21:09:33
Separation in our state is legal but has no bearing on the state of a marriage (!). Although my husband is pleading about being emotionally detached from me living down the hall, the real reason he has already shown against true separation is the additional cost it would incur. The tune changes according to the real estate.
My state splits assets 50/50, so I would be entitled to alimony. This was the sticking point when I was about to start proceedings before. My act of divorce would cut his retirement savings in half.
Somewhere in there is the truth.
Posted by Ronnjee on March 7, 2014, at 8:56:17
In reply to Re: Nope. » Poet, posted by Partlycloudy on March 7, 2014, at 6:59:42
> Separation in our state is legal but has no bearing on the state of a marriage (!). Although my husband is pleading about being emotionally detached from me living down the hall, the real reason he has already shown against true separation is the additional cost it would incur. The tune changes according to the real estate.
>
> My state splits assets 50/50, so I would be entitled to alimony. This was the sticking point when I was about to start proceedings before. My act of divorce would cut his retirement savings in half.
>
> Somewhere in there is the truth.
>
So, are you saying that if money wasn't an issue, the separation and divorce would be a LOT easier, and that otherwise it would've probably happened already? If so, I think you might have your answer. I suppose you need to decide which losses you need to cut - financial ones or emotional ones; yours, not his.I'm relatively certain that the 50/50 split is not forced upon a couple, unless a financial agreement cannot be agreed upon, in writing, in which case the judge decides. You and your STBX can, if you want to, make your own deal - that's what my wife and her ex did. Obviously, if you want the 50/50 and he doesn't, you'll need to rely on the legal remedy.
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 7, 2014, at 10:22:06
In reply to Re: Nope., posted by Ronnjee on March 7, 2014, at 8:56:17
What the talks of separation (we can't afford it) and the in-place result of it (how much he is suffering emotionally) closely mirror the divorce issues so far.
Divorce would be best for my health. My current source of income is disability support. So, practically I would need and would be entitled to alimony and half the assets. At this point, any talk of love and commitment has gone out the window. The claws are unsheathed, and it becomes how I am Out To Get Him.
In my mind, he is talking out of both sides of his mouth. If he loved me, he would do what he could to help my mental health, which has been proposed to be a full divorce. He sees it as an attack on his financial resources, and there is no love. Has there ever been any love? I haven't experienced any emotional support since we were first married, and I drank heavily to self medicate. I guess it was easier for him then?
It is all messed up. I slept really well in my own room. Woke up with my cat nestled at my feet. He did not sleep well at all.
There is a lot going on here.
Posted by Ronnjee on March 7, 2014, at 11:06:28
In reply to Re: Nope. » Ronnjee, posted by Partlycloudy on March 7, 2014, at 10:22:06
Sounds like you are being reasonable and rational, and I advise you do everything you can to stay that way, despite what he says or does.
Please do be cautious of possibilities that you are adopting behaviors meant to force his hand, as opposed to doing what's best for you.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 7, 2014, at 19:08:39
In reply to Re: Nope. » Ronnjee, posted by Partlycloudy on March 7, 2014, at 10:22:06
Finances always make things harder. People are quite a lot like slime mould, I think. Band together when resources are scarce. You always do take a financial hit living independently. Hard to put a dollar value on other things like privacy and freedom/independence.
With the half-half division of resources thing... I guess there are good reasons behind people utilising lawyers to negotiate such arrangements. I mean, It can be the case that both parties come to an arrangement that is different from the precise letter of the law. E.g., fairly sure my mother came out with more than half because she contributed more to the asset pool initially, worked a part time job while being primary caregiver for me, because he wanted out more than her, and because he had a full time job with higher earning potential whereas she would need welfare. So... she got enough to get a cheap place freehold whereas he needed a mortgage.
Anyway... I'm not entirely sure why the best course wouldn't be to secure a rental short term. Maybe take 6 months to think. Then let the lawyers handle the finances. Unless... Your leaving is dependent on maintaining a certain lifestyle. I don't know.
Posted by baseball55 on March 7, 2014, at 19:35:09
In reply to Re: Nope., posted by alexandra_k on March 7, 2014, at 19:08:39
The financial issues are really difficult unless you are very well off. I had recent issues with my husband which made me consider divorcing (we are working things out) and I looked around at real estate prices, rents, etc. We would both be so much worse off financially that I couldn't believe it.
Posted by Partlycloudy on March 7, 2014, at 19:35:56
In reply to Re: Nope., posted by alexandra_k on March 7, 2014, at 19:08:39
The least expensive place I could find wanted seven months' rent up front in lieu of my having employment. Huge chunk of money. I have tried repeatedly and fall apart in a most spectacular way when I have attempted to work.
I am feeling like that Loser word again.
The roommate arrangement, though, might be showing promise. I really can't live on my own without making a significant financial impact, and it has paralysed me into place.
I think I am staying in bed tomorrow.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 7, 2014, at 20:06:05
In reply to Re: Nope., posted by Partlycloudy on March 7, 2014, at 19:35:56
> The least expensive place I could find wanted seven months' rent up front in lieu of my having employment. Huge chunk of money. I have tried repeatedly and fall apart in a most spectacular way when I have attempted to work.
> I am feeling like that Loser word again.
> The roommate arrangement, though, might be showing promise. I really can't live on my own without making a significant financial impact, and it has paralysed me into place.
> I think I am staying in bed tomorrow.I'm sorry to hear that. I do remember what a mission it was for me to secure this place, though, so I'm not entirely surprised. It is unfortunate, but many people do wreck places. Or use them to make meth or whatever, as you know, heh.
I wonder if there might be a consumer / volunteer / charity organisation that might be able to help / advise you. Here... We have women's refuge and salvation army. If I had been in a relationship and was looking for assistance (they might even have support groups) for separation, I'd start there. Clubs, too. New Image... Singles Clubs... For help with the little things that don't learn until you need to. How to get rid of bugs etc (I only semi-jest).
House mates can be good, yeah. I think a huge part of why people have them is to ease the financial costs. Sharing accommodation and utilities helps a lot. Sundry items like toilet paper and handsoap etc can help some, too. And moving into a furnished place... And the company. When you are used to living with others coming home to an empty house... Can really get to people in ways they don't expect. It is one thing for it to be blissfully unoccupied on occasion... It can be quite another thing for it to be unoccupied always. Can be nice to have someone to check on you and con you into watching feel-good movies etc. Someone to help you take care of bugs.
It is hard though. And scary too... Yeah... Looking for this place... Was one of the hardest things I've done...
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