![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 35 to 59 of 79. Go back in thread:
Posted by Dr. Bob on September 26, 2013, at 1:32:18
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by alexandra_k on September 25, 2013, at 6:48:44
> > Incentive was the key?
>
> I guess that is the way they tell the story. Being granted / Taking ownership.I wonder what ownership here might look like.
--
> I feel that some people DO suffer in current commons-type situations because they have MORE of a social conscience. These might be situations that are objectively seen to be 'working'. Perhaps they might even be cases that Ostrom would consider 'successfully managed'. But they might be managed such that the sensitive individuals with social conscience are in fact carrying more of the load. Is such a situation sustainable? People have managed to successfully exploit others over considerable periods of time...
Sustainable is different than just:
> > An alternative to the commons need not be perfectly just to be preferable. With real estate and other material goods, the alternative we have chosen is the institution of private property coupled with legal inheritance. Is this system perfectly just? ... We must admit that our legal system of private property plus inheritance is unjust--but we put up with it because we are not convinced, at the moment, that anyone has invented a better system. The alternative of the commons is too horrifying to contemplate. Injustice is preferable to total ruin.
Bob
Posted by alexandra_k on September 26, 2013, at 17:45:13
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by Dr. Bob on September 26, 2013, at 1:32:18
i am glad you are here. thank you.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 26, 2013, at 18:10:43
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by Dr. Bob on September 26, 2013, at 1:32:18
I don't know about this the commons = total ruin business. Hobbes state of nature, or whatever.
I suppose it is more likely to be experienced as such by those who profit from the current system. For those who are screwed over by the current system... What would the difference be?
The loss of a dream?
I suppose I do have some security, in a sense, thinking that one day I will in fact have enough money coming in to have my very own place where I can lock the door and ignore the whole wide world. Without that dream... I suppose I really would despair. And... It isn't a winning the lottery kind of dream, even. It seems realistic. Sort of. Sometimes.
Sometimes I wonder if there is a just system that is sustainable. Or if those ends are opposed in some way.
I just can't stop thinking about 'brave new world' these days. With the 'different kinds' of babies... I need to read it again... The idea... That people might genuinely be happiest in different kinds of settings / with different things in life... Such that everyone could have what they needed / wanted... To a greater extent than now, at any rate.
Of course the later half of the book went in a different direction and it got all moralistic and blah... But back to the interesting idea in the first half of the book...
I did come to Babble in part specifically because you were here. I had a brief experience with a borderline personality message board that was moderated by consumers and while they were mostly very good sometimes... I don't agree with all your decisions... But I suppose you seem to be the lesser of all evils. Perhaps it is something to do with fit (some people like Grohol, for instance. I see him do some very kind things and respect him for that, but I also think he is a bit of an idiot).
I'm sure we could run the boards better than you sometimes... But I don't think we could consistently do so. And... Perhaps consistency is important. Sometimes. I don't know. I don't think it would hurt for you to listen to twinleaf (and others) more about the blocks. But then 10... I don't know...
Posted by alexandra_k on September 26, 2013, at 20:47:55
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by alexandra_k on September 26, 2013, at 18:10:43
> but I also think he is a bit of an idiot
actually that isn't true. it is more that it is relatively easy to wind him up.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2013, at 19:51:59
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by alexandra_k on September 26, 2013, at 20:47:55
> > but I also think he is a bit of an idiot
> actually that isn't true. it is more that it is relatively easy to wind him up.not that i test people or anything... but i don't feel that he is a very safe person to be around me when i'm having a lot of trouble with control.
i mean... i don't know that you are, either. but you are one of the safest. maybe we have complimentary pathology.
what is behind your defenses, i wonder?
do you get that dispersal feeling?
plastination for the win?
the trouble is... well... we just know what is going to happen with that. all these bodies (and parts of bodies) preserved (forever?) in plastic. if i keep up my training i think i'd make nice horizontal sections... there is going to be all this people litter. what are we going to do with all these plastic corpses? it is going to become a big f*ck*ng problem... i suppose we will ship them to space.
i think i might like that. being a plastic missile. intertia. space. i thought i would like space... but... maybe a little part is a little scared of that too...
i think death isn't so freaky because we don't know what will happen... it is more that of any of the things that could possibly be true of it... none of them seem particularly appealing.
Posted by alexandra_k on September 27, 2013, at 21:00:55
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by Dr. Bob on September 26, 2013, at 1:32:18
> > > Incentive was the key?
> > I guess that is the way they tell the story. Being granted / Taking ownership.
> I wonder what ownership here might look like.I guess we need to distinguish between the internet as commons and Babble as commons. I suspect that the internet is more of a commons and Babble is more your private property / your government.
I'm not sure that Babble can be viewed as a commons with your being in control of it.
I think...
We need to allow that social norms / customs spontaneously arise from groups of peoples - the way that common language does. Commons are governed, in a sense. It is just about WHO has control... About... Whether that control mechanism is... Sensitive to shorter vs longer term interests. Sensitive to the needs of all equally vs more sensitive to the needs of some compared to the needs of others. Etc. There are different ways different societies come down on things like that.
I'm starting to think that relying too much on genetic inheritance rather than merit isn't a strategy that works out particularly well... I mean... It served England for a while, but then even England had to adapt to that, rather (the monarchy is figure head these day, really). I think part of the issue with Maaori culture is that roles in society are meant to be determined by birth right... So (for example) the eldest boy is the speaker... And (when all goes well) he takes into account the little voices of others (perhaps those with brains etc) in his ear... But if you get a particularly stupid / incompetent one... You f*ck over a lot of people who rely on him to speak and advocate on their behalf... A better system would be to elect the person most competent to represent the people...
There are problems currently with women not having speaking rights on the Marae... Why would a woman choose to stay with her tribe and be passed over / dismissed when she can (for example) perform exceedingly well in a court of law (for instance)? Why have any kind of loyalty to a tribe who would dismiss / pass you over so?
(I don't know that that actually does happen - but if it did...)
(We have been told to not expect all students to speak up in front of other in tutorial groups because not all of them have been given the role of speaker. But my problem is: Why not train them all to speak and then pick the best ones to represent? Why decide upon birth who must do what? How does that result in the *best speakers*?)
Adapt... Or perish...
A leader turned up for us today. We will see... Part of the issue (for me) is that I just want to be left to do my thing... But... In the interests of the whole anthropology thing... It will be good for me... She comes bearing gifts for all... Wonderful things like dishwashing detergent... I will need to find the place between doing my own thing and doing some mental f*ck*ng mathematics...
Sigh.
These people (people like these) took me into their care when I was 14 years old. Nobody would look after me (get me away from my mother) and... They did. Even though I hated every minute of it (sort of) people people people masses of people... Was an antidote to just me/mom. And they are light-hearted... Whereas I am intense and roundandroundandround in my head...
So...
Smack me on the head sometimes for not being appropriately humble.
I got reading through the archives... And they are shrinking, yeah. A lot less posts than there used to be. How come?
Partly... I suspect the people who used to post here got better. Like Deneb... They have other things to be engaged in that aren't focused around 'mental health'. Partly... I think that you can find things that you get from here distributed around other parts of the internet. Sometimes in the most unlikely of places. I developed some wonderful friendships (where we talked about all kinds of intimate stuff - worked through body image issues and feelings of inferiority etc etc) in the most unlikely of places... this internet forum that was initially set up for people to chat to each other about bodybuilding steroids, of all things...
i think part of it is the decentralization of power thing. the rise of allied health. you are old school in a way... authoritarian... most people don't like that... the would rather take their chances with the commons... and bail to a different group if they don't like what they see. people take people with them... i lost t nation when a bunch of girls objected to the sexualization of women... this whole thing of them posting half naked pictures of their progress then taking offense as people posted 'i'd hit it' etc... they moved to google circles or whatever it is... i didn't go with... but i think people are doing that, more... the internet is the commons... and people set up temporary tents...
i am surprised that there aren't more people like me... i don't know why there aren't. why they aren't still here. i don't know. i need this place, though. i need it to still be here. thank you for not shutting it down and for responding sometimes. everybody here helps me feel less alone. but me... my issues... it means a great deal to me that you are.
Posted by Dr. Bob on September 28, 2013, at 23:54:48
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by alexandra_k on September 26, 2013, at 17:45:13
> i am glad you are here. thank you.
Likewise,
Bob
Posted by alexandra_k on September 29, 2013, at 23:10:47
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by Dr. Bob on September 28, 2013, at 23:54:48
> > i am glad you are here. thank you.
>
> Likewise,
>
> Bobgood. you have to be like me. and you have to be wise. i found this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hxrtq7QJKXw
i don't say this lightly... if i've ever met a genius, there he is. it helped to see... that interaction. he's so very strong in a lot of ways. disciplined. socially skilled. kind. but there is of course a fragility.
i do wonder if everyone has the same thing underneath it all. i don't see what good comes of it. i guess people are like onions. what good comes of peeling back all those layers of defenses to discover... that. that god awful feeling. what good comes of it? is it about our realizing that we are just a bundle of defenses or something like that so why not (more) rationally choose them rather than just... living them out. or whatever.
but then i guess my feeling comes from freeze / startle. and not everybodies does... yours can be different. i don't mind. everybody has something. it is what makes us human, i guess. i feel... sad. i wish i was in hospital. i just want to curl up. and for people to be like 'its okay, you just curl up there for however long you need'. and in probably a month or something... i'll be sick of it and wanting to go out and live my life. and... i would have got a nice chunk of work done.
people reckon i'm institutionalised. i guess i am. people say it like it is a bad thing.
i wonder... i wonder why jail has never really had any appeal to me?
Posted by Dr. Bob on September 29, 2013, at 23:31:19
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by alexandra_k on September 29, 2013, at 23:10:47
Posted by alexandra_k on September 30, 2013, at 0:38:06
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by alexandra_k on September 29, 2013, at 23:10:47
Posted by alexandra_k on September 30, 2013, at 0:38:34
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by alexandra_k on September 30, 2013, at 0:38:06
ty
Posted by alexandra_k on September 30, 2013, at 4:40:49
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by alexandra_k on September 30, 2013, at 0:38:34
[McWilliams, Nancy, (2006)'Some thoughts about schizoid dynamics' Psychoanalytic Review. 93:1 p.1-24.]
:-)
Posted by alexandra_k on September 30, 2013, at 17:54:59
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by alexandra_k on September 30, 2013, at 4:40:49
Oops about the link. This seems to be the best I can do:
McWilliams, Nancy, (2006)'Some thoughts about schizoid dynamics' Psychoanalytic Review. 93:1 p.1-24.
(If you could remove the other link / replace it with the above reference I'd be grateful)
So... Perhaps that is where the introverts went. Perhaps the 'gifted' people, too (thinking of that in line with Dabrowski's over excitabilities).
McWilliams reads like... Someone on the outside looking in. Doing a good job of it for someone on the outside looking in. But someone on the outside looking in, regardless. Mostly because... There are things you wouldn't think to remark upon or notice or say unless you were on the outside. What is remarkable of cringing away from a noisy, crowded situation? One where you can't hear yourself think? It is only when you realize that certain other people are attracted...
My living situation is a bit better now with the new person having moved in. The leader. Part of it is about validation of certain things being odd or weird or annoying... Like with the dishwashing detergent. And she just sort of claps her hands together and sorts it out. No fuss. Like... The way it is supposed to be done. By someone whose job it is. And there we go. And partly it is about... Her not being a dumb-*ss. The people I am living with are lovely... But they are not the smartest. The 19 year old is going on 13 and, well... The others aren't much further ahead in intellectual or emotional years (I'm not sure why people get it into their heads that if they are dumb and can't tolerate being alone it means they have admirable social skills)... It just means... I can't even have a light hearted conversation and have people follow along half the time... But things are a bit better now... Validating in some way. And she is big and loud and salient... But she has that centered calmness which makes the loud okay. Unobtrusive. And there it is.
I'm going to go in a bit... Get my sh*t together... Collect myself up and go to the gym... I'm going to squat 1x5@20, 25, 30, 35, 40, 5x5@42.5. And I'm going to mess around with my handstand / back bridge / animal walks. Then I'm going to come home... Have a nice hot shower... Make coffee... And spend 50 minutes on my thesis. 10 minute break for more coffee... And then another 50 minutes. And then I'll see how I feel... The point being... I'm going to get out of bed today. And I'm going to get a chunk of work.
I'm very close to sending off more stuff... I think that is why I've collapsed rather. Because I KNOW 'It isn't finished yet. What is the point of all this stuff you have said? What is your argument for that point?' Why do I feel like I'm worthless if it isn't all done even before I start? Wasting peoples time... It isn't supposed to freeze me. Just make me appropriately respectful of it. But I don't quite understand to get them work of the appropriate standard at the appropriate time. I... Don't trust myself. Which makes me... Untrustworthy. :-( I suck. And people have told him to be careful with me - and he IS being. I mean, really, he really really is. So now it is all my insecurites and messed upness in my head. I know that. But it doesn't help me out sometimes.
That article helped. And... Sometimes... I guess sometimes what I need is to know that I really really can just stay there curled up... And the nurses aren't all like 'there she goes manipulating people again' or whatever... And so when I get up to go to the bathroom people are like 'see, she's okay' or whatever. Sometimes I just need the space to collapse. And then I don't need to be collapsed. It is that awful stuck feeling you get of holding on just a little bit because you can't properly collapse... That draws teh whole f*ck*ng thing out. Perhaps. I think. ANyway... Work today... Work today... I'll send stuff soon and then this will lift... And then ti will be time for round 3...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 1, 2013, at 17:40:19
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by alexandra_k on September 30, 2013, at 17:54:59
on the one hand 'it is always something'. i hear that, loud and clear. 'it is always something with you'. 'if it isn't one thing it is another'. i don't suppose it is any voice i've internalised from the outside. just like how my 'good' voice isn't any particular voice i've internalised. it is more a curious blend of different aspects that i've simply picked up over the years. i get this other voice too. no i don't think cbt will help. but thanks for asking.
so yesterday afternoon sometime a girl rocked up. and so they have put her in the room next to me because that is the only room they have left now. only it is not just her. there are two girls in there. and they are trying to be quiet. i can hear them trying to be quiet. i can hear them say things like 'hey lets be quiet' and stuff. and they are talking quietly. incessantly. they don't stop.
half past twelve i moved into the lounge to get sleep. moved back around six as people started to wake up and being noisy... then they started up again around eight. noise noise constant stream of noise. i can't hear myself think. all i do is hear their innane prattle about whatever the f*ck they are talking about... massive thought interrupting device.
so i'm sleep deprived... and i'm feeling angry. and i'm feeling violated and invaded. and who knows whether they have moved in permanently or what. and i start fantisising about getting a gun and shooting them because i think that is what it would take to make them stop (I would never - but i do feel extremely angry).
and hyper... from lack of sleep. my mind is going nine hundred billion miles an hour and anyone talking makes me really really really f*ck*ng mad. i walked into the park before. and there are people. mostly in pairs. chatting and talking. and i manage to get myself positioned into the quietest place there is... then along come some really f*ck*ng noisy people and they scan around for where to put themselves.... and they put themselves right next to me. who has work spread out all around who is obviously TRYING TO THINK. they put themselves their noisy f*ck*ng selves right up as close to me... when there is the whole f*ck*ng park. of course they do. WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS????? and if i say something... like 'oh hey, if you want to listen to music how about you get some headphones' to the person listening (quietly!) to music on their phone... or 'i'm sorry is my working getting in the way of your talking' to people who come righ tup next to me (of course they do!) in the library... people look at me and... smirk. like they are teasing me or something. like they are funny.
and i start thinking about peeling off part of their skin one day at a time with a potato peeler or something... something... so they understood how i really felt about tehir presence.
what the f*ck is wrong with me?
Posted by alexandra_k on October 1, 2013, at 23:24:24
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by alexandra_k on October 1, 2013, at 17:40:19
On the good side it motivated me to check out a particular street that basically seems full of student accommodation tower blocks. For both of the universities and then ones that are privately owned. All have reception so I could just go in and ask to take a look...
There was one particular building that the accommodation advisor was trying to encourage me to check out. I think because if I sign a 12 month lease I can (only just) afford a studio room. Otherwise... It is shared apartment kind of a set-up with communal bathroom / kitchen between 2 or 4 or 6 or... In some instances a whole floor of like 12 or something...
The building managers seemed keen to show me nicer options, at any rate. Bigger rooms with less people. And the rates were cheaper than they were advertising online. I guess they are trying to make a buck from short-term international students where possible...
Anyway... I applied for a studio apartment room that I was told would be available from mid-November. Because the accommodation adviser lady was suggesting it - she seemed to think I might (perhaps) even prefer it to university accom since I can't afford a studio room in university accom. Apparently we hear back about university accom mid-october... So hopefully I can figure it out... Since I'll need to sign a 12 month contract to get the studio room at the rate that is affordable...
There were lots of rooms that are about as cheap as what I've got now. Smaller, yes. But... I didn't see anybody hanging about the place. Seemed empty during the day. I guess because people are actually in class or whatever... The problem with where I'm living is that people just hang about at home all the time... Making their f*ck*ng noises...
I suppose they might get noisy in the evenings...
I... Can always go back and check, I suppose. I wonder if we are close enough to campus to pick up their wireless...
Would you believe I am in the public library and this guy has been going around for the last 5 minutes ringing this f*ck*ng loud obnoxious bell because... They are going to be closing in 15 minutes. Am I really the only person who thinks that there is something wrong with this and there must be a better way? Why doesn't it seem to bother anybody else?
Posted by alexandra_k on October 10, 2013, at 1:45:55
In reply to Re: the commons, posted by alexandra_k on October 1, 2013, at 23:24:24
I found this youtube clip of stephen j gould. the interviewer asked him how he managed to be so productive. i mean, the guy churned out an article every month and a book (as a compiled collection of articles) every year or so over years...
he said his secret was that you had to do it for yourself. that you couldn't do it for the fame. because if you did it for the fame then there would be a certain point where you would realize that you were famous and then you would stop. that you had to do it for yourself.
i think i have a pretty good grip on internal motivation. when it comes to seeking out information. reading. researching. when it comes to things like squats. i am having trouble getting it for my writing, though. mostly... i feel like coughing up writing is a chore. it isn't done for me. it is done to satisfy funding bodies etc. i... don't see how it is something that helps me.
so... what am i missing?
if i could get this... it would solve everything...
there is something else, too... i have been reading... and finding all kinds of things... and i've been thinking about this difference between 'pop stuff' (i guess it is stuff that i'd be a little... embarrassed?... to reference) and 'proper serious academic stuff' (done by certain people and / or people of certain positions and / or certain publishers)... and... what is the difference?
i think part of the difference is meant to be 'scholarly' vs 'sloppy'. what is that difference? i guess more scholarly stuff summarizes a lot... like how i'm just learning about the considerable value of a really well done literature review. how it manages to usefully chunk a whole heap of stuff... how it does a lot of work for you... saves you a whole bunch of time... scholarly books cover a lot of ground in that way... summarizing whole fields... and in some instances the progression of a certain line of research spanning multiple fields... that is just work. it takes work to read and to understand what is often complicated and to summarize accurately at the appropriate level of detail.
what is in doing that for me?
i guess it is in all the stuff you leave out... the whole process of doing that... you learn... heaps. heaps. much more than if you just read the stuff faster and didn't properly comprehension check. maybe that is what writing does. keeps you more honest. note to self: if you REALLY want to understand / know... this is the way.
part of the difference... i'm starting to see... is in the use of analogy. it is relatively easy to make cursory analogies. or to make sweeping ones. it is something else entirely to slow things up. each point of similarity - instead of noting a similarity and moving on really examining it. similar exactly how - dissimilar exactly how? i guess... coming closer to understanding the thing on its own terms rather than trying to extend / apply a different category to it. e.g., i found this book on autism and it was saying that the issue was one of bandwidth limitations like a slow internet connection for social skills. in one way... it is an illuminating metaphor. it got a wonderful smile out of me. it conjured up all kinds of images. and then the analogy got extended in all kinds of interesting and clever ways... but... uh... while it was delightful to read... uh... i'm not sure i was really coming to learn about autism.
i found this other book that was trying to integrate evolution, development, cultural change, and something else i forget... with 7 principles... ditto. creating and nourishing the brain somehow... but,uh, how much was actually learned about any of those fields? i'm not entirely convinced...
the dry boring stuff is... uh... more informative. i guess.
intellectual honesty. i think that is tied up...
and of course things seem clear until you try and write up what was supposed to be so very clear. then things start to seem confused. not so clear after all. intellectual honesty, again. this is what makes writing valuable and worthwhile. the idea is that the writing process reveals the unclarity that was present. this is why you write for you. to come to a better understanding. i need to grasp this properly.
i'm... lazy. mentally lazy. sigh. without external things like tests / assessments / the prospects of an A+... sigh. do it for me... i get it for squats. why not this? come back to me...
Posted by alexandra_k on October 10, 2013, at 1:57:21
In reply to internal motivation, posted by alexandra_k on October 10, 2013, at 1:45:55
the summarizing...
one highly respectable person once told me that that was half of what we do.
i'm seeing that now... and how if you do it right, you need never do it again. i see articles and books by certain people... and they have little summary speels of this and that and they just repeat the summary speel they have already written. if you are involved in a certain line of research then the summary speel probably gets updated every year or so in light of more recent developments... maybe you end up with more condensed / expanded versions for different purposes...
over time you can accumulate fields / research groups / people's contributions / points people have made on the significance or importance of this or that and the dangers of these other things over there...
and of course you develop your own take on the importance / significance of this or that finding for this or that theoretical point...
but it is about connecting with something greater than yourself. being a part of something. incorporating aspects of others. hoping others go on to incorporate aspects of you...
i do have a lot of... confusions. something along the lines of 3/4 understandings... i guess... i should have internal motivation to summarize for myself... see the full picture. then (and only then) once the summary is out...
one gets to stand back from it.
and...
THINK.
then what one thinks might actually matter.
only... one can get lost in trying to do a literature review properly... even a book review...
something something about a map that was so accurate and highly detailed you couldn't unroll it for fear of upsetting the farmers.
sigh.
whatever is to become of me?
(i suspect there is some reciprocal process between standing back and thinking (using that thinking to inform which aspects of the summary are important) and writing the summary (and using that to inform the thinking part of the process)
round and f*ck*ng round.
intrinsic value. f*ck yeah.
spinning circles. seems to me.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 10, 2013, at 23:26:02
In reply to Re: internal motivation, posted by alexandra_k on October 10, 2013, at 1:57:21
today was a weird one...
i woke up to an email saying that i had been waitlisted for my first choice of accommodation (the shared apartment with the university) but that there was space available in other options if i wanted to nominate a different first choice...
i met with a social worker who was going to go with me to work and income...
she turned out to be alright. better than alright, actually. tiny little old lady. brilliant, she was.
they are going to see about getting me on the invalid's benefit. which means... i can afford the deluxe studio apartment (entirely self contained) with the university. the doc needs to write a letter in support... there is a whole jury f*ck*ng panel who decide 'yes, easy' or 'wait a f*ck*ng minute' then hold up the works by making me get re-assessed by one of their designated dr's. i... don't anticipate too much of a problem, actually. turns out p-doc did specialize in actually treating autism over in England... and he is a public doc rather than being some private assessment that i paid megabucks for myself.
i said my first choice was the deluxe studio and they said they would email me an offer on monday.
so...
it is possible... that everything could work out... really well. that i actually am being given a f*ck*ng chance by the universe.
please
oh please
oh pleaselet it be so. and let it turn out that... i'm good at science.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 11, 2013, at 18:41:08
In reply to yay for autistic spectrum!, posted by alexandra_k on October 10, 2013, at 23:26:02
I feel bad now. ambivalent. scared.
A dx is a mixed blessing... One of the positive aspects is that psychologically people often feel a sense of ... relief?... that something has been explained. understanding?... that things somehow make sense now. i don't really get those things. i've very aware that a diagnostic category (current ones at least) are little more than short hand abstractions from behavioural symptoms (that you already knew you had - or that are shaped by the provision of dx) with little inter-rater reliability and even when inter-rater reliability is better very little internal consistency and even when internal consistency is better very little external validity. providing a diagnostic category makes symptoms harder (it clarifies or condenses them into expected patterns which might perhaps give clinicians the illusion of clarity but messes up the clients subjective experience)... perhaps...
so the positives don't really do it for me.
negatives... are assumptions or inferences that other people make. clinician's, sure, but also members of the public. for instance... lack of empathy. lack of social skills. Simon Baron-Cohen is not a very popular man outside his academic circle... The TOM deficit model has been incredibly influential, though. I mean, really. For a crap load of work in scientifically oriented philosophical psychology anyway... mental module with a dysfunction - it is meant to be paradigmatic of all going well for Evolutionary Psychology business as usual.
another positive... is some of the benefits.
i feel bad here. squeemish. i feel bad about possibly getting assistance for something that i'm dubious about having. my dubiousness is coming more from my views on anti-dx across the board... but... i feel like there needs to be some authenticity here for me. i... couldn't accept psychotherapy from people who required me to fill in an ACC form that I'd been sexually abused. I... Wasn't prepared to fill in that form. I have had a bunch of experiences... And I know that many others would have few to no qualms describing them as cases of sexual abuse. But I've been influenced a great deal by Ian Hacking's work on "Multiple Personality and the Sciences of Memory" and other works where he talks about the evolving conception of abuse... Child abuse in particular... And about how children seem to be most significantly harmed... When we categorize certain acts as being abuse. This is a hard one for people to understand... I am not really up to explaining it much better right now... Sometimes I will say that I have been sexually abused... But mostly... I don't. A lot of other people got a lot worse... I just... It is sometimes important to me that this not be part of my self concept. And making me commit to that on a form... Seems to me to rule out that option / possibility for me. Insofar as I care (at least sometimes) about consistency.
But then part of that was my unwillingness to work with clinicians who didn't see the above my way. AKA ones whose agenda was for me to identify with the victim. To feel that in their presence / with them. Who is this helping again?
If I take on board this 'autistic spectrum idea' I'm only going to get weirder in my behaviour. Just this year... At that first university... I found myself getting weirder already because I decided that I could be 'weird one'. That I didn't mind that. I was prepared for people to see me as an intentional loner in a university full of extroverts. (Of course there were other introverts too - but they were prepared to play the extrovert game as best they could. I decided... I'd rather not try). Rather not... Cannot... Do I need to committ myself to one of those? I... Don't like to feel broken.
It means that other people will take my complaints more seriously. In the sense that they will be more likely to understand that certain things REALLY F*CK*NG WELL DO AFFECT ME. Whereas before they didn't listen. Things like DON'T TOUCH MY F*CK*NG MILK. Become something that others can understand is important if they can put ti down to my having a mental illness. Perhaps knowing that someone has a mental illness sometimes... Means you have more empathy for the fact that they are different in some respects from you. Perhaps putting it down to mental illness makes it psychologically acceptable insofar as it is clear that it is THEIR problem - that you aren't the defective one for not having that / for not properly empathizing with their sentiment.
I feel... That this is a mixed blessing indeed...
On the one hand... Considerable f*ck*ng relief if I actually can get to live by myself... If other people can understand that the noises etc really do significantly affect me. Render me unable to function in fact. On the other hand... Some stigma... Avoidance... I feel that this is bound to come up in my medical school interview...
But here is the thing: I get told I interview well. Not because I intentionally seek out information as to how I did - but this is feedback that others have voluntarily offered to me. I do get social butterflies / nervousness. I'm able to come across as shy and a little nervous but also quite chatty and friendly (I mean it is a couple hours - it isn't so bad to play the role). It is because it is a role you play... I can teach well, too. I mean, I'm not amazing, but most people aren't. To tell you the honest truth I think I'm an average / mediocre teacher. Most people significantly over-estimate their own abilities. E.g., most people think their driving skills are above average but that can't be true. I think that honestly I'm an average teacher. Maybe a little below average actually (insofar as I'm more of a researcher than a teacher and they tend to give me classes to teach like logic that ain't really my area even though the feeling is that any phil major can teach that). But I'm competent. I've never had any complaints against me. I can do appropriate eye contact for interveiews. For teaching. My eye contact goes out the window when I'm talking with community mental health for sure - it always has done. Becuase they ask very intimate very invasive questions and there is no f*ck*ng privacy in the public health system.
I... I have been thinking a bit... For a while now... About how I seem to have a fairly male brain. How all the girlfriends I've had... Have all had fairly male brains. Physicists. Philosophers. Most of my girlfriends... Joke about how they are autistic and lack social skills... But they alwasy seemed mor esocially embedded than me... With guys... I'm... One of the guys. Sort of. One of the guys around guys who aren't openly disrespectful of women (around me at least). In the gym... They defer to me when I want ot use my f*ck*ng squat rack... I think I'm sort of a cute little mascot or something. They thrive off my energy... All I need is for them to play energizing music... But... I'm not flirty or anything. I like it how... Guys always make me feel safe. Looked out for. I find them reassuring. Comforting. Girls are... Crazy. Hot then cold. Chattery. Nervousness... Skittish... Freaks me out. I try to be more like a guy.
House... Is... Well... I think he is a normal human being to tell you the honest truth. He reminds me a lof of one of my mates... Who ended up getting a score in the top 1% or 2% or something equally insane on the GAMSAT and got a FULLY FUNDED scholarship to do med at some place in Aussie... He wants to be a neurosurgeon. He is funny... You get him ranting about something... Especially to do with something something about some variable he can't plug very well into his model beign important... And he has this vein that bulges rather worryingly on the side of his forehead. He said it worries him, yeah. Everyone in his fathers side... Stroke gets them eventually... But he is a good guy. Autistic? In a sense, sure. But still... More socially embedded than me.
I have trouble staying in touch with people. I miss them sometimes... But I... I hardly ever login to Skype. And when I see my friends there I kind of run out. Even though... I do like them and they are my friends. I don't know why i get scared and avoid them. I'm like that with facebook, too. hundreds of people i've met over the years from uni's all around the world... p osting updates abotu conferences and where they are going to be... so you can arrange to meet up for drinks or whatever so you... so long as you are never far away from a good uni... you are never far away from friends...
i'm a hermit.
i... do get lonely.
i am afraid that people think that if i get this studio then everything will work out magically okay. i'll finish my thesis. i'll get amazing grades. i'll get into med. i'll do well in it...
i'm afraid that things will be harder. that there will be.... always something. e.g., that i'll get the apartment then collapse with lonliness. or that i'll get the apartment and then find that i can't do the math for chemistry etc. that i can't get the grades. or...
i need to put these thoughts out of my head.
in particular: once i move I"VE MOVED REGIONS. ALL THESE PEOPLE WHO ARE HELPING ME NOW... IF I CAN JUST GET THIS ACCOMMODATION AND GET MYSELF MOVED>>> THEN (and only then) CAN I SEE ABOUT GETTING SUPPORTS IN PLACE FOR NEXT YEAR.
I will do the very best I can do. I promise that.
Will I be poster-child for austistic spectrum girl? If I have to be. If i tmeans i get to do less cr*pp*ng about in teams... If it means I get a little less groped in practicals... Alright then.
Only... I think my empathy skills are just fine. In terms of breaking bad news etc. People will have to teach me to give less of a sh*t about patient confidentiality if they want me to fit in etc...
I think... The universe is laughing... People are laughing. There is a stereotype of 'can't function outside the university' and... It is actually true of me. This gives people... Glee. Then people around me look (pretend to me) cross... And say 'autistic spectum' and then people... Their eyes light up .. Oh. You see them go. Its a DISEASE.
YOU CAN'T HELP IT
I think the moral might be:
These people who have this ability to focus and get on with the job (to work independently) they CAN'T crap about in teams getting nothing done quite the way other people can.
conversely (what most people already know to be true)
These people who have this ability to slot in with a bunch of people and have all of them like that person and relax and feel comfortable around them so they can function at their best... CAN'T do anything without being surrounded by a bunch of people.
Different ways of being...
Like how...
I said about how they don't want me living in shared accom because I would be COMPLAINING incessantly about people being noisy and dirty and moving my things about in the fridge.
But how they don't want other people living in studios because they would be COMPLAINING incessantly (or quietly committing suicide) out of lonliness and their not being surrounded by friends.
Different.
Not better or wose.
Except... Society tends to swing in roundabouts...
And There is some kind of a payback (because of the glory days of the way things used to be) where the solo players... Are currently pathologised.
Do i want to be a spokesperson for that?
If it maximises my chances of me getting to be me (and other people letting me be) then okay.
I just... Do have reservations about whether this will in fact bring out the best in me.
_____
It is going to be a journey. I think back to my first year of my degree... I'm about to start ALL OVER. I'm ... Excited. In awe. I'm in f*ck*ng awe that I can do this. I can actually do this. How f*ck*ng lucky am I???????????? If I get to live self contained within walking distance of my 8am classes and 5pm labs... With a gym membership included and I can walk home and shower... I'm in f*ck*ng heaven. They even have Olympic lifting platforms.
This all seems too good to be true.
I am scared. Please come through for me p-doc
(google says he is doing his 'one year working in the public service being supervised to confirm competence') thing. Indian doc - but he was working in England before. English is very good - any issues really are about local accent. And speed... But... He's been here for a month. So... How prepared really is he to support my invalid's benefit application? This is... The holy f*ck*ng grail of benefits. Because... It gives you independence. And they leave you a f*ck*ng lone instead of harrassing you every 5 minutes for evidence of this that and the other thing... If I get this... I will have to be poster f*ck*ng girl indeed.
Sigh.
I feel dirty.
Am I willing to be (potentially) poster child for Autistic Spectrum girl? Just in case... It comes to that... It might... I will need to figure it out / decide. And see how the admissions process goes of course. Here's a point: They can't discriminate against you. There are certain aspects / areas of medicine that certain types do in fact seek out... Pathology... Surgery... There is room. Otherwise... There is non-clinical research, of course. I know I'll be at home there.
I am very afraid that I will turn out to be... Okay, honestly... The worst case is... That I work really very f*ck*ng hard and pull B's.
Actually no, that isn't it. The worst case is that I don't get this studio. and then... i'll never know whether i could have done it or not.
the point to impress on them is...
have you seen an edition of 'jobs for philosophers' these days?
(yes there really is such a f*ck*ng thing)
I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE
I CAN'T FUNCTION OUTSIDE THE UNI
so i need to pick something else...
health
there is always money in health...
science.yes?
Posted by Twinleaf on October 11, 2013, at 20:56:22
In reply to Re: yay for autistic spectrum!, posted by alexandra_k on October 11, 2013, at 18:41:08
As someone who has been on the faculty of a med school., I remember being very interested in the tremendous number of researchers. They had very strong interests in their particular fields, worked independently, but had only limited teaching responsibilities ( a few lectures a year at most). What they did have to have was real research ability and publishing skills. Would something like that suit you? (Many of them had combined MD - PhDs).
Posted by alexandra_k on October 11, 2013, at 21:59:11
In reply to Re: yay for autistic spectrum! » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on October 11, 2013, at 20:56:22
I'm not entirely sure, but I think it may suit me, yes.
I don't properly understand how science publications work with the teams / highly collaborative thing they do. In a sense science seems a lot more social than philosophy. A lot more division of labor with people having their circumscribed part to play.
One thing I've learned fairly recently... Is that there are a lots of fundamental skills that I never developed. Important stuff. Time management etc. There are a lot of things that I would do very differently if I could do a Philosophy degree all over again. I'd make much more use of support services with their seminars on database searching and Endnote using etc etc etc.
I think science students are more organized / timetable managed than arts / social science students. The number of contact hours is staggering to me... I think that this external structure will be good for me. No -- I KNOW that this external structure will be good for me. I can be highly productive (can get in the zone) flowing from one task to the next task etc etc.
'Write thesis' as a daily activity... Doesn't quite do it for me. People are making suggestions now... Thinking of working in 25 minute blocks or whatever... But it is a bit sad that I'm struggling to make things work at this stage of things... That I didn't develop good work habits early on. I'm fairly sure science will teach me good work habits. I know medicine definitely will - but I don't know if I'll get a place...
I know someone who works as a pathologist. Clinical. She does diagnostic screenings on tissue. Mostly looking down a microscope and saying whether the sample is normal or problematic given patient file notes / demographic data etc. She loves it. No patient contact. She started teaching... And she loves it. She loves the students. I guess a certain type is attracted to that kind of work...
I just see a whole range of opportunities. Ranging from the highly social (e.g., being a general practitioner in a rural community) to the highly a-social (e.g., pathology, or being the math guy for publications) and of course all kinds of things in between.
I guess... One of the things I liked was the idea of having a schedule, yeah. Go here at this time and do this and then be there at this time for that... I think I'd like that... That kind of bustle. Moving around (physically) hopefully some of that (compared to sitting in front of a computer all day). Variety. Patients a couple days. Lab a couple days. I'd... I'd like variety like that. I don't know how my autopilot goes during sleep deprivation... I don't know...
Philosophy is just 'and go and work on whatever you want and when it is done send it off'. Which is... Aimless... Perhaps it is something differnet to others. .. I don't know.. I've missed the boat somehow..
Posted by alexandra_k on October 11, 2013, at 22:22:31
In reply to Re: yay for autistic spectrum!, posted by alexandra_k on October 11, 2013, at 21:59:11
I think I would like to be a surgeon, honestly. But I don't really know. It seems very checklist focused these days. Routine. Minimization of risk. Take the human element out of it. Simplify it so a dumb-*ss person, I mean robot, could do it. Scripted. Like cognitive-behavior therapy - yes?
This seems to be why people want to go work in developing nations or warzones. The leash is a bit longer. The skill requirement is a bit higher. The potential to actually make a concrete difference to the lives of individuals is that much higher.
Though I've heard if you actually give a sh*t about the latter then public health is the way to go. If you actually care about numbers... Getting the medication to the people... Basic basic stuff.
I...
I'm not going to have a family. My work is my life. Or procrastinating work is my life. Playing little computer games for the comfort of some kind of repetitive stereotypic f*ck*ng thing that I get out of it...
Surely there must be a way to channel some of it... To enable me to be... A productive human being. I... Don't know what.
I've recently been influenced a great deal by this guy:
http://calnewport.com/blog/category/features-rethinking-passion/
Get good at something rare and valuable. Get so good they can't ignore you (that is what is hard - the world conspires for you to be yet another replacable part in the f*ck*ng assembly line). Use that as leverage for a life... That is good.
Posted by Twinleaf on October 12, 2013, at 11:02:32
In reply to Re: yay for autistic spectrum!, posted by alexandra_k on October 11, 2013, at 22:22:31
Since you are now in a university setting and do not have to decide yet, you could explore some of the labs and see what is going on. You might find something which seemed just right. There were lots of fields and sub-fields that I didn't even know existed until I got into the university community (and there are probably still lots I don't know about.) This could be an exploring time while you get the best possible housing and therapy support.
Posted by SLS on October 12, 2013, at 14:55:03
In reply to Re: yay for autistic spectrum! » alexandra_k, posted by Twinleaf on October 12, 2013, at 11:02:32
> Since you are now in a university setting and do not have to decide yet, you could explore some of the labs and see what is going on. You might find something which seemed just right. There were lots of fields and sub-fields that I didn't even know existed until I got into the university community (and there are probably still lots I don't know about.) This could be an exploring time while you get the best possible housing and therapy support.
Good advice, Twinleaf. I love your caring, kindness, sincerity, and tolerance.
- Scott
Posted by Twinleaf on October 12, 2013, at 20:52:30
In reply to Re: yay for autistic spectrum! » Twinleaf, posted by SLS on October 12, 2013, at 14:55:03
Thanks , Scott! I do think Alexandra has a lot going for her, and would love to see her able to identify the right goals and be able to fulfill them.
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