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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alesta on January 27, 2007, at 1:00:56
"It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering."
I found this quote rather profound and worth pondering. just wanted to post it for that reason. (and yes i am a bit depressed...hopefully it'll pass soon..i rather feel like i'm on another galaxy lately..my apologies if i seem out in left field..posting here does help...man i want my mojo back)
amy
Posted by zenhussy on January 27, 2007, at 2:03:19
In reply to i really like this quote about abuse/torture..., posted by alesta on January 27, 2007, at 1:00:56
Posted by Daisym on January 27, 2007, at 12:02:51
In reply to i really like this quote about abuse/torture..., posted by alesta on January 27, 2007, at 1:00:56
I think it is a great quote and so accurate. I believe that is why abuse continues and why people are so insistent that you "get over it" and "move on." I also believe that it frightens us to really see how cruel humans have the ability to be -- and of course, we all want to believe that everything happens for a reason. This is hard to justify when we are talking about children though, isn't it?
Thanks for sharing Amy. I hope you find more mojo soon. I think the elves are hoarding mojo this winter.
Posted by alesta on January 27, 2007, at 13:23:51
In reply to Re: i really like this quote about abuse/torture... » alesta, posted by Daisym on January 27, 2007, at 12:02:51
thanks much, Daisy. yes those elves again! i hate it when they do that. i so appreciate your support and caring!
i found some more good info this morning...funny how i'm finding this info lately that is just...so lightbulbish....i'll paste it here. i always thought that abusers find me, so it wasn't me that was trying to reenact childhood abuse..but now i realize that while that is true (they sniff out those that have been abused), i had to take them up on their relationship offer...due to this whole revictimization thing..it makes such sense...holy *&*&:
Developmental Aspects of Childhood Trauma Contributing to Adult Revictimization
by Elizabeth G. Vermilyea, M.A.The idea that our past experiences contribute to present and future experiences is not unusual. To a large extent, we are where we've been. For survivors of childhood abuse, this concept can be terrifying. For survivors of childhood abuse and subsequent adult domestic violence, this concept can seem like blame. However, understanding the ways in which the past can infiltrate the present is essential to empowering victims of abuse. It has less to do with assigning blame, and more to do with gaining control.
To explore this issue further, consider some markers of an abusive environment.
* Totalitarian control - enforced by violence, death threats, and random reinforcement of petty rules
* Pervasive terror - fear for their own life, fear of a loved one's death
* Isolation - often intentional destruction or prevention of potentially supportive relationships (Herman, 1992)Abusive environments mimic environments of torture and mind control as reported by American POWs. Growing up under the iron fist of coercion and abuse has profound effects on survivors. As Judith Herman says "The personality formed in an environment of coercive control is not well adapted to adult life."
Persons who are routinely exposed to violence and abuse in childhood are likely to experience severe disruption in all significant developmental spheres. The child may develop patterns of coping which solve immediate problems but contribute to long-term difficulty in relating to him/herself and others. These patterns are based on the primary goal of survival.
How does a child survive trauma at the hands of caregivers? S/he adapts in several ways.
* Vigilance increases in an effort to be able to predict danger.
* S/he works to avoid abuse by hiding (in closets, in the woods etc.), running away, and trying to appear as unnoticeable as possible. However, avoidance usually doesn't work, and if the child is caught later, s/he is sure to suffer more because of the efforts at self-protection.
* When avoidance fails, children will try to gain some control by trying to appease or be "good enough" to please the abuser. However, since the abuse rarely has anything to do with the child per se, the abuser is likely to continue on the intended path regardless of the child's behavior.
* In an environment where parental power is exercised arbitrarily, rules are inconsistent and the abuse is unpredictable, many children adopt a position of complete surrender (Herman, 1992). This surrender is carefully constructed in the mind of the child. S/he may understand it as something else altogether. Most survivors would balk at the notion of surrender, as if it is a giving in. Clearly, surrender in this sense refers to a self-protective state that is most likely to ensure survival.
* The child may create a fantasy world where nothing bad ever happens. S/he may dissociate and let another part split off to compartmentalize awareness of the trauma.
* S/he may unconsciously, disconnect the internal mechanisms that facilitate awareness of danger. When these fight or flight mechanisms are constantly activated to no avail, they may be ignored over time. Most survivors learn to shut down awareness of emotions to protect themselves from overwhelming emotional pain and betrayal.
It is the last two mechanisms that contribute most to adult revictimization. When a survivor has to constrict awareness of danger and access to emotions in order to survive, s/he essentially disables self-protective mechanisms. A person who is trapped in a burning building and sees the smoke and flames does not need the ringing of a smoke alarm to know s/he is in danger. However, if that person survives the fire and returns to the building later, the smoke alarm becomes an important source of information about safety once again.
With emotions and awareness of danger disabled in the service of survival, the now-grown survivor is lacking crucial tools that are necessary in adult relationships. S/he cannot access feelings that tell how s/he is doing in relation to someone else, therefore, s/he may become involved with dangerous people without realizing it. Perpetrators may in fact, search out people with these vulnerabilities.
The common result is a repetition of an abusive relationship. "Repetition is the mute language of the abused" (Richard Rhodes). The adult survivor may be prone to patterns of intense, unstable relationships repeatedly enacting dramas of rescue, injustice and betrayal. Repeated abuse is seen as the inevitable consequence of having a relationship,
We as clinicians and helpers serve survivors best when we are willing to help them understand themselves in the context of their histories. Self-awareness is the key to recovery and healing. Yet self-awareness is a two-edged sword for survivors. It puts them in touch with intense emotion and batters against the defenses of avoidance. The challenge for helpers and survivors is to work together to face the facts and feelings in a more integrated fashion. Self-awareness increases self-control and healthy responsibility. These in turn, lead to empowerment. Empowerment is the key to ending cycles of revictimization.
note: in sum...i've been in abusive relationships in repeatedly (friends and boyfriends) because abusers can pinpoint those that have been abused and initiate relationships with them...and i enter the relationships due to not noticing red flags as nonabused people would due to my internal maladaptations i had to form to survive childhood abuse..
Posted by happykat on January 27, 2007, at 13:34:11
In reply to i really like this quote about abuse/torture..., posted by alesta on January 27, 2007, at 1:00:56
Amy,
That is a very profound quote indeed. It really captures the essence of the relationships between victim/perpetrator/bystander. I just finished reading a great book that tackles this very subject. In fact I think they may have used the same quote too. The book is:
Very insightful. It helped me put alot of personal things in context.
I hope you get your mojo back soon! Sending ((((mucho mojo)))) vibes out to you. :) Feel better!
Regards,
happykat
Posted by alesta on January 27, 2007, at 13:41:13
In reply to Re: i really like this quote about abuse/torture... » alesta, posted by happykat on January 27, 2007, at 13:34:11
thank you, happycat! i may have to take a look at that book! you guys are so awesome
hugs to you happycat! and everyone!
on a side note, it's so funny cause i always thought i had conquered my past and it had no influence on me...but now i see that that isn't true...not everything is under my control....
love you guys,
amy
Posted by alesta on January 27, 2007, at 13:44:04
In reply to good quote.....gives alesta one cuppa mojo *kiss* (nm) » alesta, posted by zenhussy on January 27, 2007, at 2:03:19
thanks zen....mojo kiss back to you.....lol.....hope things are cool in your world....(((zen)))) :-)
Posted by Daisym on January 27, 2007, at 17:51:37
In reply to Re: i really like this quote about abuse/torture.. » happykat, posted by alesta on January 27, 2007, at 13:41:13
****on a side note, it's so funny cause i always thought i had conquered my past and it had no influence on me...but now i see that that isn't true...not everything is under my control...
>>>>I found that out too! It infuriates me to think that even the good things I do (working with kids) is partially motivated by my past. Reenactment is such a strange thing to study and think about. Self-awareness can sometimes lead to changing your relationship patterns. But other times it makes you feel so responsible, at least speaking for me.
The other thing that was painful to learn was that you can set yourself up to be revictimized even if the csa was done without violence. In those cases, like mine, love and sex and acceptance and nurturing and care-taking, get all confused. How many times do we find ourselves trying to fix people in our lives who don't want to be fixed and who twist us into thinking we are the ones who need fixing.
Sounds like you are doing a ton of self-discovery work. I know it is hard and painful but keep at it. You are worth it.
Posted by alesta on January 27, 2007, at 20:21:42
In reply to Re: i really like this quote about abuse/torture.., posted by Daisym on January 27, 2007, at 17:51:37
thank you, daisy...i'm not really sure where i'm going with all this newfound knowledge, but we'll see...thank you...and i'm really glad you're here.:-) i really just want to feel safe and secure, for once in my life...maybe i will soon...i have to get out of this mindset of wanting to give up, which is how i felt today and yesterday. i feel some hope again now though...
Love to you,:-)
Amy
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