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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Clockwork Ange on January 19, 2007, at 14:23:44
so I have this friend... it's actually a mom that I hang out with in the mother's group I belong to... so it's not a person I would normally be friends with (we have nothing in common other than having a child) when I am with her, she tells me how she doesn't like herself- that she's fat, ugly, defective (she's been trying to get pregnant for almost a year and hasn't been able to, hence her label of 'defective'), poor, so on and so on...
I have tried so many different things to try and 'help' her... ideas about eating differently, maybe seeing a T, going to her OB/GYN and seeing if there is something with her girly parts that's keeping her from getting pregnant.. but she's the type of person that has a comeback for everything- making it impossible to get help... "I eat healthy, I just can't lose weight" "I can't see a therapist because one time one of them touched me wrong and I can't do that again" "there's nothing wrong with my body, it's God keeping me from getting pregnant because I don't deserve it"... and so I am at a stand still with her... it's to the point where I dn't even come out with ideas for her anymore, but she still sits and tells me how horrible her life is- there's just nothing I can say...
and now I'm pregnant... and I constantly hear "I must be so nice to be able to get pregnant" and "Why do you deserve another baby and not me" and things like that.
and I'm the type of person that doesn't want to hurt her feelings, so I often just listen and listen and then when I'm alone I have obsessive thoughts about all the things I wish I could say but can't (like "do you really want support and help, or just pity?")
any advice on how to deal with the situation?
my T thinks it's destructive of me to be around her at all, that she intimidates me on purpose to get the pity she wants from me (like constantly saying "I'm so sorry for you") and that I need to start speaking up to her... or else my obsessive rapid thoughts will get worse and worse...
ho hum
Posted by Bobby on January 19, 2007, at 15:10:32
In reply to a friend that makes it impossible... some adivce?, posted by Clockwork Ange on January 19, 2007, at 14:23:44
Ask her if God is stopping her from adopting.
Posted by Clockwork Ange on January 19, 2007, at 15:21:20
In reply to Re: a friend that makes it impossible... some adivce? » Clockwork Ange, posted by Bobby on January 19, 2007, at 15:10:32
I asked about adoption, she doesn't see why she should "have to" if she was able to make one already... and that she's too poor and that she doesn't have a seperate bedroom and they would never let her adopt because of it...
this is what I mean, everything I come out with, she shoots down- I mean, what the heck can you say to that without causing WWIII?
Posted by happykat on January 19, 2007, at 15:28:20
In reply to a friend that makes it impossible... some adivce?, posted by Clockwork Ange on January 19, 2007, at 14:23:44
Hey Clockwork Ange,
People like that make me want to rip my hair out. But I do the same thing too. I sit and listen and listen and then go home and feel like spontaneously combusting.
It's a tough situation especially if you have to see her alot.
I'd recommend she read "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie. It's particularly useful for exactly these sorts of thoughts:
>>>>"I eat healthy, I just can't lose weight" "I can't see a therapist because one time one of them touched me wrong and I can't do that again" "there's nothing wrong with my body, it's God keeping me from getting pregnant because I don't deserve it"<<<<<
Good Luck!!!
Regards,
happykat :)
Posted by Gee on January 19, 2007, at 16:54:34
In reply to Re: a friend that makes it impossible... some adivce?, posted by happykat on January 19, 2007, at 15:28:20
That would be so hard!!!
I had a friend kinda like this (but totally different situation) and my t suggested that I tell her that I don't wanna talk about that, and put boundries on the friendship, and limit the amount of time I spend with her. Do you have to keep this friendship up? Because it sounds like a lot of work...
Posted by Clockwork Ange on January 19, 2007, at 18:27:18
In reply to Re: a friend that makes it impossible... some adiv, posted by Gee on January 19, 2007, at 16:54:34
It IS a lot of work!
It's not a relationship I would normally keep- but she's apart of the mother's group I belong to- 6 moms, the other 5 I get along very well with... so I'm sort of stuck in that respect.. I have avoided more and more mom outings because of her, but then my son misses out and I feel guilty.
I'll try the boundaries... it'll be sticky- how do I tell her not to talk to me about any of her problems? That's all she talks to us about.. the other moms will ignore her, so she focuses on me, because stupid me, I gave her the time of day more than once.
All I keep telling myself is that there must be a lesson in all of this somewhere.... right?
Posted by Gee on January 19, 2007, at 21:14:44
In reply to Re: a friend that makes it impossible... some adiv » Gee, posted by Clockwork Ange on January 19, 2007, at 18:27:18
There's gotta be a lesson in there somewhere... maybe on how not to be like her?
I know it's tough setting up boundries, and I wish I could remember what my t said at the time. I didn't do it because of many other issues at the time, but we finally had a HUGE falling out and just now (like 8 months later) we're sotta back to being friends. Maybe it would be a good question to ask your t?
I think it was using I statements (well for sure) but saying things like "I feel bad when you talk about your problems, what is something good that happened to you today?" or "I want to be your friend, but I find it very hard when all you talk about is negative aspects of your life. I want to be a positive friend, so lets talk about positive things"
I know it sounds corny, but you get the general idea?
Posted by Phillipa on January 19, 2007, at 22:16:35
In reply to Re: a friend that makes it impossible... some adiv » Clockwork Ange, posted by Gee on January 19, 2007, at 21:14:44
Do what the other five Moms do ignore her. And talk to the others. If they can do it so can you. Maybe she will then get the hint? Love Phillipa
Posted by Clockwork Ange on January 20, 2007, at 10:03:31
In reply to Re: a friend that makes it impossible... some adiv » Clockwork Ange, posted by Gee on January 19, 2007, at 21:14:44
I do- I'm going to try some I statements... I'll keep you posted... <crossing fingers>
Posted by Gee on January 20, 2007, at 20:03:44
In reply to Re: a friend that makes it impossible... some adiv » Gee, posted by Clockwork Ange on January 20, 2007, at 10:03:31
excellent! Good luck! Let me know how it all goes
Posted by sleepygirl on January 21, 2007, at 3:24:23
In reply to a friend that makes it impossible... some adivce?, posted by Clockwork Ange on January 19, 2007, at 14:23:44
sounds yucky and like it is really exhausting
tough to address, really tough
some thoughts from me for whatever they are worth....
"wow you really don't give yourself enough credit! you are a smart woman and I know you can find a solution somewhere for somethings, not everything but somethings!"
if you want to use the religious angle there's the serenity prayer....ya know that one right?when she rejects your suggestions...
"when you can't find answers it's important to open every single door you can, otherwise you will never know what opportunities you denied yourself""what you "deserve" is in large part determined by what you "accept""
"people write their own stories...how are you going to write yours"or maybe just a straight out you are draining the life out of me!! I can't stand it!!
and yeah you'd do well to limit contact with her, she sounds not just jealous, but like she's sucking the life out of you, making you feel bad for who you are...you are NOT obliged to fix her
there are too many people living in such a misery as you describe, too many.
good luck,
sg
Posted by notfred on January 21, 2007, at 12:53:51
In reply to Re: a friend that makes it impossible... some adiv » Bobby, posted by Clockwork Ange on January 19, 2007, at 15:21:20
"and that she's too poor and that she doesn't have a seperate bedroom and they would never let her adopt because of it..."
Sounds to me like this lady does not have the resourses to have a child
Posted by Clockwork Ange on January 21, 2007, at 15:38:34
In reply to Re: a friend that makes it impossible... some adiv, posted by notfred on January 21, 2007, at 12:53:51
> "and that she's too poor and that she doesn't have a seperate bedroom and they would never let her adopt because of it..."
>
> Sounds to me like this lady does not have the resourses to have a childIn my opinion, she doesn't have the resources, nor the attitude... which makes it even more a mess... they barely have enough room and time for the son that they do have.
Ugh
And when one of the "moms" brought that up to her, she flew off the handle with something like "They could share a room and money doesn't make you a good parent"
which, can be true, but in her case, it isn't... they struggle to buy enough food and for heat- providing food and heat IS a good parent...
ugh ugh ugh
it's the impossible relationship
This is the end of the thread.
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