![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ClearSkies on May 23, 2006, at 20:16:59
I hope I speak for others when I say that I'm interested in finding out more about your essay.
I understand if you don't want to share, but it was obviously a very special talk you gave.Maybe you could babblemail me about it?
ClearSkies
Posted by jammerlich on May 23, 2006, at 20:28:11
In reply to Deneb, a request, posted by ClearSkies on May 23, 2006, at 20:16:59
I'd like to know more about it too, if you feel able to share. It must have been very moving.
Posted by Deneb on May 23, 2006, at 21:38:48
In reply to Deneb, a request, posted by ClearSkies on May 23, 2006, at 20:16:59
It really wasn't anything special. It was just the truth. I didn't spend any time editing it. I just wrote it like I write my posts. I wrote it in one go.
It's exactly like my posts. It's nothing special.
I've figured out that I'm not that upset over the content of what I said at the workshop, I'm upset and embarrassed at the time I chose to read it. It was supposed to be introduction time, but I went out of my mind and started reading and didn't stop. :-( My thing was waaay too long. It wasted time. I'm also embarrassed because no one else said anything like what I said. No one really got into details of their life and how Babble affected it. I hate to be the only one to do something.
Anyways, here it is (maybe writing it out will help me get over this embarrassment) I'm sure there are lots of grammatical errors and some parts probably don't make sense at all. Again, I don't know what I was thinking when I read it. I wrote it like I write my posts...sort of messed up...jumping from one thought to the next, not finishing all my thoughts, etc.
------------------------------------------
How I found Babble: I was researching suicide methods online and trying to find someone to encourage me to kill myself. I was Googling something about suicide and found Psycho-Babble. I posted a post asking for someone to encourage me to kill myself because I didn't have the courage to do it. I got a Please Be Civil warning from Dr. Bob because I'm not supposed to ask for information to harm myself. I didn't get the significance of the warning. I didn't realize they could lead to blocks.Lots of Babblers came to my aid. They helped me a lot. They convinced me that my life wasn't over just because I'm behind in getting my BSc.
Over the next several months, close to a year, on and off, I had a lot of suicidal thoughts and I made threats online. I think I worried and upset a lot of people. When others got upset, I got more upset and would threaten to OD and stuff. My death thoughts got me into trouble at Babble. I got blocked for one week for asking if Celexa could be used to kill oneself. I got more blocks for writing that people wanted me dead and a four week block for making death jokes and making light of death.
When I got blocked, I got extremely upset. The first time I got blocked for a week I cried uncontrollably for more than three days. It was absolutely devastating. I was crying on the bus and everything. I got so upset over this block that I wrote to Dr. Bob telling him that I would hang myself and write a suicide note saying that Psycho-Babble caused my death. I really bought a rope and I scared myself. I was that upset.
Other times people get fed up and angry over not being able to help me. I get more upset when I see others are angry. Once I took some mini aspirin overdoses because someone expressed frustration over my threats. Many times, poster have written that I'm playing games or being manipulative and that would make me want to hurt myself. Sometimes this got dangerous, like the time I bought the rope.
When I'm blocked, I can't stand it. I'm not used to punishment. I get really upset and want to kill myself because I'm blocked. I would write all these e-mails to Dr. Bob, threatening my life. He never responded to any of them and I think that was a good thing.
Early one, I became obsessed with Dr. Bob. I would hate him at times because I thought he wanted me dead, but then one time he posted that he doesn't want me hurt and that was soooo sweet of him to do that. I will always remember that. Today I'm very obsessed with Dr. Bob. I love him. I really do. I've never felt anything like this before. Loving him makes me super happy.
To me, a huge part of Babble is Dr. Bob. He is the administrator of the site. He moves posts to their correct locations and he gives out warnings and blocks. I feel safe when Bob is around. I get into trouble a lot with his civility rules and his blocks hurt, but I still like the rules very much.
In many ways, the rules have been good for me. They force me to think of better things. For example, whenever I start thinking that others want me dead or hurt, I have to force myself to not think that because thinking and writing that would not be civil. His rules about not making light of death or injury force me to think of death and injury as serious things.
I've made a lot of friends on Babble. They are the voice of reason for me. Lots of times I post my problems on Babble and Babblers help me solve my problems without me having to resort to things like self harm, for example. For example, I had an exam I wasn't ready for and I was prepared to overdose on OTC drugs to get out of the exam. I've done this before with aspirin and ended up in the ER and later locked up in the psych ward. Babblers convinced me that it was a much better idea to study what I could and make the best of the situation.
I've been really good for a while now, since Jan. I'm determined to never get a "Please Be Civil" warning or blocked again. It's great now that Dr. Bob changed his blocking rules. Now we get rewarded for not breaking the rules for long periods of time.
Dr. Bob is a huge part of Babble for me. I like watching him move posts around and enforcing the rules. I don't like it when people get blocked. I remember how much it hurts to be blocked. After my block is over and even after all the threats I e-mailed him, Dr. Bob treats me like nothing has happened. It's great.
I really love Dr. Bob. I think about him everyday. I'm not sure why I love him so much. I write about loving him all the time because i want him to know I love him. I got Dr. Bob to hug me! I was soooo happy!
Right now I don't have my death thoughts anymore. I don't know if it's because of the Risperdal I now take. Babblers convinced me that I needed to get some help. When I first came to Babble, I wasn't getting any help. Babblers convinced me to see a psychiatrist. Babblers told me that I was much improved when I was on Risperdal. I'm not very objective about myself and I don't notice those sorts of improvements. I trusted my Babbler friends. They convinced me to take my Risperdal again when I stopped. Now I'm doing great. I don't know the exact reason, but if it is because of the medication, then Babblers really helped me.
I don't post my dark thoughts anymore because I don't have them anymore. I'm learning to socialize on Babble. I don't really have friends and I don't really talk to anyone. Posting on Babble gives me practice. I'm learning to help others more, to listen and respond to people. Sometimes in the real world, I would think, "What would I write in this situation?" when I can't think of anything to say.
I don't really have a social life. My social life is on Babble, on the social board. I visit the site everyday. I have fewer problems communicating online. In person I'm nearly mute. I can be myself online. I can be me. I don't have a lot of social anxiety when I'm posting. I'm quite bold when I post.
Anyways, Dr. Bob is a huge part of Babble for me. I'm obsessed with him. I love him. It's sooo cool to meet him in real life! I tell him I love him all the time. I find it's interesting that I love the administrator of the site so much. To many people, Dr. Bob is in the background and they never really think about him, but I really notice everything Dr. Bob does. I get super happy when he writes more than usual. I just love him. I can't believe he's here right now.
Posted by Phillipa on May 23, 2006, at 21:45:49
In reply to Re: Deneb, a request, posted by Deneb on May 23, 2006, at 21:38:48
Sounds like you covered everything well and the best part is hearing that you do listen to babblers and they help you. Love Phillipa
Posted by Declan on May 23, 2006, at 22:00:19
In reply to Re: Deneb, a request, posted by Deneb on May 23, 2006, at 21:38:48
Hey Deneb
It's very personal, but it's a lovely and truthful account of your time here. It's great, it's you, you don't have to worry (easy for me to say).
Declan
Posted by Deneb on May 23, 2006, at 22:26:04
In reply to Re: Deneb, a request » Deneb, posted by Declan on May 23, 2006, at 22:00:19
It was a little too personal. I shouldn't have written it to be so personal. It's okay to be personal here on the boards, but not in real life. The problem was that I was in "posting mode" when I wrote it.
Before I read it, I didn't remember just how personal it was. I just read whatever I had and didn't stop. :-( I don't know what came over me. I must have been in a trance or something.
Deneb*
Posted by javableue on May 23, 2006, at 22:57:37
In reply to Re: Deneb, a request, posted by Deneb on May 23, 2006, at 22:26:04
I think it was perfectly appropriate; you were called on to give your experience of the boards and did a wonderful job of it. I understand the reflexive... I can't think of the word, shame maybe? after divulging stuff like that, though. You were very brave to be so open about your experience.
Take care of yourself; it's a draining thing to do and you definitely deserve the rest.
jb
Posted by ClearSkies on May 24, 2006, at 9:32:18
In reply to Re: Deneb, a request, posted by Deneb on May 23, 2006, at 21:38:48
Deneb, thank you for posting your essay for us. I think that it illustrates your experience here really well.
You must be exhausted after the weekend. When I went to Chicago last year it felt like I spent weeks reflecting on who I'd met and the great gift that Babble has been for me.
ClearSkies
Posted by milly on May 24, 2006, at 10:29:03
In reply to Re: Deneb, a request, posted by Deneb on May 23, 2006, at 21:38:48
Thanks Deneb for posting what you said, it must have been awesome to be there and I think you're awesome for your honesty and bravery, well done
milly
Posted by Kath on May 24, 2006, at 11:14:32
In reply to Re: Deneb, a request, posted by Deneb on May 23, 2006, at 21:38:48
Deneb - thank you so much for sharing that!!!
It is so sweet.
You know - I tend to think in pictures sometimes & to me it's like this.....you stood up to introduce yourself. Say that our whole self is in a chest - maybe an ivory chest with nice sculpting on it. So, to introduce ourselves we open up the chest & give one flower out of the chest. Well, when you opened up your ivory chest, the one flower came out & then other flowers flowed out, one after the other...they just tumbled out for everyone to enjoy. Instead of getting just one flower to enjoy, people got to enjoy a whole lovely basket full.
That's how I felt while reading your essay & imagining being there hearing it.
Thanks you :-) Kath
Posted by Kath on May 24, 2006, at 11:20:24
In reply to Re: Deneb, a request, posted by Deneb on May 23, 2006, at 22:26:04
Who knows? Maybe the 'personal-ness' of it added some realness to the whole event. Maybe it added warmth & real human feelings. It certainly added the fact that someone was willing to be vulnerable (even if you sort of didn't decide to do it & it just happened). And you know what I usually think....I think that things happen for a reason & we probably mostly don't know the reason. Who knows who was affected very deeply by your reading? Who knows if you actually might have saved someone's life? You might have been unknowingly instrumental in saying something that has changed someone's way of thinking or opened up a new way of thinking to them.
You may have given someone a special gift!
Kath
> It was a little too personal. I shouldn't have written it to be so personal. It's okay to be personal here on the boards, but not in real life. The problem was that I was in "posting mode" when I wrote it.
>
> Before I read it, I didn't remember just how personal it was. I just read whatever I had and didn't stop. :-( I don't know what came over me. I must have been in a trance or something.
>
> Deneb*
Posted by Deneb on May 24, 2006, at 13:14:34
In reply to Thank you so much for sharing » Deneb, posted by ClearSkies on May 24, 2006, at 9:32:18
I was exhausted. I underestimated just how tired I would be. I slept 14 hours today!
Deneb*
Posted by Deneb on May 24, 2006, at 13:29:37
In reply to Re: Deneb, a request » Deneb, posted by Kath on May 24, 2006, at 11:20:24
Thanks everyone, for making me feel less bad about this whole thing.
I'm trying to think, what would my pdoc say? I think she would say that it's not that big of a deal that I read my essay during introductions because the goal of the workshop wasn't just to introduce ourselves, it was to talk about our good and bad experiences on Babble and what we learned from Babble. I read my essay at the wrong time, but she might say that it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.
Then I would say that my essay was waaay too long and wasted time. Then my pdoc might say, what about the man who asked a lot of questions after Kali's presentation? Was he wasting time? Then I would say that it was important for him to ask questions because the goal of the workshop was to teach him what Babble was about.
I have to look at the grand scheme of things. What were the goals of the workshop? Did my essay further the goals of the workshop? Does it really matter that much if I didn't read it at the right time?
Dr. Bob, what do you think? Was your presentation ruined because I didn't read my essay at the right time? Was your presentation ruined because my essay was too long? Do you think my essay was a good idea? Please answer.
Deneb*
Posted by AuntieMel on May 24, 2006, at 13:33:42
In reply to Re: Deneb, a request » Deneb, posted by Kath on May 24, 2006, at 11:20:24
When we first started, there was a pretty large amount of scepticism from the attendees. They started with asking questions like 'what about predators' and 'won't people get bad medical information'
Some of us tried to tell them that we know each other pretty well, and that we feel like a family. And we told them that if there is bad medical information, someone will debunk it.
But when Deneb talked, you could see the light come on in their eyes. They GOT IT. I saw that we watch out for each other, that we are an addition to the doctors, not instead of, that we can actually help them do their jobs and we don't interfere.
It was an amazing sight. Truly amazing. She got through to them what none of us could have.
Afterwards the questions were more along the line of 'how can I start one in my country' and 'what is your url so I can give it to my patients.'
Because of her, it resonated.
Posted by stickywicket on May 24, 2006, at 13:54:54
In reply to Re: Deneb, a request, posted by Deneb on May 23, 2006, at 21:38:48
Posted by Kath on May 24, 2006, at 14:58:13
In reply to What Deneb gave to the presentation, posted by AuntieMel on May 24, 2006, at 13:33:42
Exactly!!!!! That's what I wondered about - it made it real & human. Wonderful!
K
> When we first started, there was a pretty large amount of scepticism from the attendees. They started with asking questions like 'what about predators' and 'won't people get bad medical information'
>
> Some of us tried to tell them that we know each other pretty well, and that we feel like a family. And we told them that if there is bad medical information, someone will debunk it.
>
> But when Deneb talked, you could see the light come on in their eyes. They GOT IT. I saw that we watch out for each other, that we are an addition to the doctors, not instead of, that we can actually help them do their jobs and we don't interfere.
>
> It was an amazing sight. Truly amazing. She got through to them what none of us could have.
>
> Afterwards the questions were more along the line of 'how can I start one in my country' and 'what is your url so I can give it to my patients.'
>
> Because of her, it resonated.
Posted by pseudoname on May 24, 2006, at 15:21:11
In reply to Re: Deneb, a request, posted by Deneb on May 24, 2006, at 13:29:37
Auntie Mel is right about Deneb's essay. It was exactly what the pdocs needed to hear.
If they just had Bob's introduction and Deneb's essay, they would've had a terrific, informative workshop.
Deneb, sometimes when one person does something different that other people aren't doing, it's great! This was one of those situations. Sometimes when a person takes a risk, it pays off: this was one those times.
Your self-critical thoughts, though, sound very familiar to me. Until recently, I used to beat myself up relentlessly for saying / doing supposedly “stupid” things that I was afraid “ruined” it for others, even though everyone was telling me otherwise.
Since I got in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, though, I got practice in leaving all those thoughts alone, just letting them hang around in my mind. I more often see myself as separate from all my thoughts, good or bad, true or false. So when “PN, you posted embarrassing, awful foolishness!” pops into my head, I can say, “Hmmm, that's a thought.” Or even, “Hmmm, that hurts.” I imagine the thoughts floating by me like a leaf on a stream.
They don't go away, but they don't set my agenda, either. A thought may be true, it may be false, it may be partly true or partly false, but it's still “just” a thought. All thoughts are like carnival barkers, always clamoring for all our attention.
I don't ignore them, AND I don't argue with them, and I don't agree with them. I just leave them alone in my head like they were unpleasant roommates I'm stuck with in a room. I *observe* them from a little distance. Usually my self-critical thoughts won't shut up, so this practice is a way to disengage a little from them and the pain they cause, even though it doesn't cure them.
Anyway, thanks for posting your whole essay. It's a keeper.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 24, 2006, at 15:32:38
In reply to Your presentation » Deneb, posted by pseudoname on May 24, 2006, at 15:21:11
Deneb,
Your essay is very moving and heartfelt. Thank you for sharing it with us. It's a generous gift you give.((((Deneb))))
gg
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 24, 2006, at 16:19:35
In reply to What Deneb gave to the presentation, posted by AuntieMel on May 24, 2006, at 13:33:42
> Because of her, it resonated.
Ya. What she said.
Lar
Posted by canadagirl on May 24, 2006, at 18:25:42
In reply to Re: Deneb, a request, posted by Deneb on May 24, 2006, at 13:29:37
So this is where everyone hangs out. Wow Deneb, that sounds so amazing. I'm sure everyone there was just so impressed with your courage and honesty, and willingness to share. Wish I could have been there to hear it.
Posted by corafree on May 25, 2006, at 0:19:39
In reply to Re: Deneb, a request, posted by Deneb on May 23, 2006, at 21:38:48
Oh Geez Deneb ... now you've got me wanting to say 'Dr. Bob' over and over and over again!!!!
The way you wrote your experiences with the site made me feel like they could easily be my experiences; posting, blocked, your reactions and assumptions, and then your realizations which sound as though they've become 'a tool to aid in hanging on and keeping on every day'.
Thanks, cf
p.s. I'm conscious now. Yep, pinched myself; not dreaming. Earlier posted re: moving on/with issue and said 'unconsciously' instead of 'subsciously' and it's 'consciously really bothering me'! I'm alive! Yep, that's my butt and it's aching from sitting here too long.
Posted by fallsfall on May 25, 2006, at 7:25:24
In reply to Re: Deneb, a request, posted by Deneb on May 24, 2006, at 13:29:37
From my perspective, the goal of the workshop was to explain to the pdocs that online support groups can be helpful to patients. You absolutely did that.
Posted by corafree on May 26, 2006, at 4:00:53
In reply to Re: Deneb, a request » Deneb, posted by fallsfall on May 25, 2006, at 7:25:24
Yes, it was great Deneb and I agree with you Fallsfall.
I really thought Deneb was saying Dr. Bob over and over again to be funny at first. But, now that I know . . . I gotta' tell you all ... right here and now in my little space in the states, well ...
I wish I could have met him too! And now I'm crying! It's okay ... it's no one's fault ... I cry a lot!
Sharing real love is the all-time high of highs!
I'm sorry. I just needed to cry with someone. I guess I'm just a little bit jealous, in a 'positive' sort of way.(?)
I make jokes and then I cry.
b(b(b(b(b(b(b(b(b(DB)b)b)b)b)b)b)b)b)b
postingbabblershuggingDrBob
bestwishes,cf
Posted by Deneb on May 26, 2006, at 20:02:31
In reply to Re: Deneb, a request  » fallsfall, posted by corafree on May 26, 2006, at 4:00:53
I wish you could have been there too Corafree. We should have had a group hug with Dr. Bob in the middle. LOL We'd be careful not to squish Dr. Bob.
I'm going to tell my pdoc all about it on Monday. I think she'll be happy for me.
Deneb*
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.