![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 9 to 33 of 33. Go back in thread:
Posted by deirdrehbrt on March 30, 2006, at 23:01:32
In reply to I had no human contact in over 2 years., posted by linkadge on March 30, 2006, at 21:01:37
I'm trying to overcome that sort of thing. My friends hug me, and I them, but it's not easy. Even though I like hugs, even though I need them, I feel uncomfortable with them.
I think I learned the wrong lessons when I was young. I remember one hug from my father and it was probably 30 years ago. My mother hugs me, but it feels uncomfortable and strained.
I'm trying to teach myself to be more natural with touching people, be it holding hands, or putting my hand on their shoulder when I think they need it. It really doesn't come naturally though... part of the way I was brought up I guess.
Might that be part of what's going on with you? Are you afraid to give hugs? From what I've been learning, people are willing to give hugs when they're invited. It's hard to give that invitation though, at least for me. I'm just afraid, and overcoming that fear is the hard part.
So, (((((((linkadge))))))) Arms open wide.
--Dee
Posted by wildcard11 on March 30, 2006, at 23:07:02
In reply to Re: I had no human contact in over 2 years., posted by deirdrehbrt on March 30, 2006, at 23:01:32
Posted by Jakeman on March 30, 2006, at 23:08:57
In reply to I had no human contact in over 2 years., posted by linkadge on March 30, 2006, at 21:01:37
> I don't want this come across in a weird way, but I haven't been touched in over 2 years.
>So many of us are touch deprived. Some time ago I read an article about women who got their hair cut mainly to be touched.
warm regards, Jaek
Posted by Tabitha on March 30, 2006, at 23:25:01
In reply to Re: I had no human contact in over 2 years. » linkadge, posted by Jakeman on March 30, 2006, at 23:08:57
Did you ever consider getting a massage? I think that's the most 'touched' you can get except for cuddling/sex.
Posted by Meri-Tuuli on March 31, 2006, at 7:49:28
In reply to Re: I had no human contact in over 2 years., posted by Tabitha on March 30, 2006, at 23:25:01
I was just about to suggest the same thing.
I had a massage when I had a spell of not being touched, and it felt great. And very relaxing!! Also I once had Reiki and reflexology and they were great too for the touch thing.
I remember going to a pilates class particulry because the teacher would come around and touch you to adjust your position. I liked the touch!!
Human contact is really important.
I think the Italians have it sorted -- where I lived in S Italy, EVERYBODY gave each other two kisses on the cheeks when they saw friends/relatives/aquitanences and again when leaving.
Even the men gave each other a kiss on each cheek, man to man. Cool huh?
> Did you ever consider getting a massage? I think that's the most 'touched' you can get except for cuddling/sex.
Posted by crazy teresa on March 31, 2006, at 8:32:08
In reply to I had no human contact in over 2 years., posted by linkadge on March 30, 2006, at 21:01:37
Sweetie, sometimes if you want a change, you have to BE the change. Start touching! Ease yourself into it. The next time you're thanking someone, hug him/her. If you're talking to someone, touch that person's shoulder. It might be uncomfortable at first, but do it anyway!
I was raised in a family that never touched or vocalized any love. I made up my mind that was the one thing I was going to change when I had kids. It was weird when I started out doing it because I had never done it.
But it felt good. I even ventured into uncharted waters and started suggesting my kids give great-grandma and great-grandpa a hug and a kiss when leaving their house. It didn't take long before they were asking the kids for hugs and kisses when we were getting ready to leave. I think it was something they had wanted all along, but were afraid to do as it just wasn't the norm from their upbringing.
I bet if you walked into the kitchen and gave your mom and dad a big hug the next time you were home they would love it.
Posted by wildcard11 on March 31, 2006, at 8:44:24
In reply to Re: I had no human contact in over 2 years. » linkadge, posted by crazy teresa on March 31, 2006, at 8:32:08
yeah, she's right...(they may also ask what u did ;o) j/k)..the 1st step is usually the hardest.
Posted by Sobriquet Style on March 31, 2006, at 10:47:09
In reply to Re: I had no human contact in over 2 years., posted by rjlockhart on March 30, 2006, at 21:49:28
>And Belive in Yourself, strong.
I haven't read many books of this genre - but I have a feeling you may like this, "the magic of thinking big" You may have even read it :-)
~
Posted by Declan on March 31, 2006, at 12:15:28
In reply to I had no human contact in over 2 years., posted by linkadge on March 30, 2006, at 21:01:37
Where I live people hug each other everywhere. Outside the healthfoodshop in particular. I wonder if men (for what reason?) are more comfortable hugging if it is um welcome and if it looks like you can do it in a reasonably dignified manner, which makes it all sound a bit of a strain. Men are just more standoffish? Very often older kids are touched by noone, until they get someone their own age. This physical touch thing is a good example of 'to him who has shall more be given, but to him who has not, even that which he has will be taken away'. My trouble was finding anyone I wanted to touch where it could be simple, kind, nice, tender, uncomplicated etc. A little bit of acceptance goes a long way too.
Declan
Posted by stickywicket on March 31, 2006, at 12:23:08
In reply to I had no human contact in over 2 years., posted by linkadge on March 30, 2006, at 21:01:37
I can imagine that hurts alot. Everyone needs to be touched.
I second the massage suggestion. Here in my state (USA - CT) massage therapists charge about $40 for 1/2 hour. It's worth every penny.
Please tell us you'll try it.
Posted by jay on March 31, 2006, at 14:40:10
In reply to I had no human contact in over 2 years., posted by linkadge on March 30, 2006, at 21:01:37
Not to just make this sexual, but the Prozac I take seems to have cut right out my sexual instinct to enjoy that 'secret touch'. Also, I put on weight and have been very,very conscious about being around women (or in other peoples cases, men too.) I did find a bit of relief with Serzone for that 'immediate' sexual instinct, but it got yanked from the market here in Canada. :-(
Sorry for being so specific, but I am sure you (and millions other) understand. I greatly understand what you are saying about even just getting a hug. Sometimes when I am in the horrid bitchy/crabbiness of my depression and anxiety, I push people away, and I am lucky I know to have family who see through that, ignore it and show me that tender care is what really matters.
Best,
Jay
Posted by zeugma on March 31, 2006, at 17:10:19
In reply to I had no human contact in over 2 years., posted by linkadge on March 30, 2006, at 21:01:37
Its kindof depressing. I mean I can't just approach somebody and say hey, you mind giving me a hug. It comes across as a sexual advance, esp from a guy. Yeah, girls can get away with that kind of thing.
Its kind of depressing. I don't need much really.>>
the worst thing about it is that after enough time, physical contact starts to seems really unnatural.
But in truth, it always did feel unnatural, which i suppose is why I miss it less than others might.
It still sucks.
-z
Posted by deirdrehbrt on April 1, 2006, at 1:03:03
In reply to Re: I had no human contact in over 2 years. » linkadge, posted by zeugma on March 31, 2006, at 17:10:19
Strange things.
I probably already posted this as part of another post, but it seems appropriate here too.While searching for my roommate tonight, her sister and I went to this one bar. My two other roommates were there. The older one (65) sees me at the door, kind of runs to me, grabs my hand and kisses it, then gives me this huge drunken hug.
Next, this other drunk whom I don't know at all says something, and also gives me this hugh hug.
Weird.
--Dee
Posted by Sarah T. on April 1, 2006, at 1:08:38
In reply to Re: I had no human contact in over 2 years., posted by Tabitha on March 30, 2006, at 23:25:01
Tabitha, that's a terrific idea! I also thought of ballroom dancing lessons, but that may seem too daunting at first, especially for someone who is shy and inhibited. An advantage of ballroom dancing, in addition to the human contact it provides, is that it can be an excellent cardiovascular workout, so you get your daily exercise done at the same time.
Posted by Kath on April 2, 2006, at 20:30:23
In reply to I had no human contact in over 2 years., posted by linkadge on March 30, 2006, at 21:01:37
I don't know where you live, but at CoDependants Anonymous Meetings (12-Step, same idea as AA) there are hugs after the meeting for those who want to. CoDA is a wonderful organization. You might be able to find out if there's a group near you from your Hospital, or Mental Health association, or Social services, if any nearby town is big enough.
CoDA is for people who want to have healthy relationships with others.
I think we all sorta need to have touch & it can be really really lonely not to have it. You're probably right in that it's harder for guys to get non-sexual touch. Our society is pretty messed-up in that regard.
If you can afford it, massage is great. Sometimes there are Massage Therapy Schools where you can get less expensive massages from senior students.
You're in my thoughts. Your post probably speaks out about something that's a big issue for a LOT of people, so I hope you don't feel too alone. Thanks for being brave enough to speak of it.
Hugs - (wish they could be in person) Kath
((((((((((((((((((((((YOU)))))))))))))))))))))))
Posted by john berk on April 3, 2006, at 22:19:28
In reply to I had no human contact in over 2 years., posted by linkadge on March 30, 2006, at 21:01:37
Hey Linkadge,
first off, i would like to say with all honesty, i think you are one of the coolest people on the boards, and i never miss reading one of your posts, you are so honest and informative.
with that said, some of the suggestions here are rt.on, i used to attend a.a., and just holding the next persons hand during the Lords prayer at the end of the meeting was a powerful expeirence, i never realized how starved so many of us are for genuine affection.meetings, and massage both sound like great idea's, i am going to look into massage therapy this week at a local alternative health center here in philly, they do yoga, meditation, and massage.
when i hug my neice, [she just turned 7 on friday, i'm her godfather] i hold on and appreciate every second, she is the light of my life, and also, i never know when i'll get another hug, lol, so i enjoy it to the max.i'm a "straight" male, [i don't even know why i need to make that clear] but anyhoo, i want to send you a virtual hug my friend {{HUGS}}, you are a great, valuable person, your time to have hugs and love is just around the corner, peace...john
Posted by Declan on April 4, 2006, at 4:30:30
In reply to Re: I had no human contact in over 2 years. » linkadge, posted by john berk on April 3, 2006, at 22:19:28
It's interesting you mention hugs at AA. I really feared the part of the service after (I think) the Blessing, when you face the person next to you, extend your hand, and say 'peace be with you'. Once, attending Midnight Mass with my mother I did this to a greatly annoyed teenager. I was impressed and disheartened when she simply looked at my hand with disdain. How do you get it right so things are congruent?
Declan
Posted by john berk on April 4, 2006, at 7:45:00
In reply to Re: I had no human contact in over 2 years. » john berk, posted by Declan on April 4, 2006, at 4:30:30
Hi Declan,
i totally relate, i used to feel my heart speed up at that part of mass when it was time to offer each other the "sign of peace", and shake hands.
i find that teenage girls, and very old woman are somewhat putoff by shaking hands with a 30 something male, i had the exact same expeirence as you.
i now turn to people on either side, and in front and behind me, and extend my hand with no expectations, with young girls i just nod and say "peace be with you", it used to make me quite nervous that i would be rejected, but now a nice warm smile suffices, i suppose in this day and age people have their rationale[ misguided or otherwise] for not touching others, even in church, lol.
but i'm so glad you brought that up, it must happen fairly often..john
Posted by Declan on April 4, 2006, at 14:52:08
In reply to Re: I had no human contact in over 2 years. » Declan, posted by john berk on April 4, 2006, at 7:45:00
I really admired her I guess. She had been dragged along to church and was radiating scorn. The sign of peace? I think I'd rather a service where people turned to each other and said 'I will show you fear in a handful of dust'.
I always seem to do the opposite of what I want in these situations. That is, if faced with someone I want to hug, I won't, but if faced with someone I don't much care for, I might. I'm not sure what's going on in my mind then. Maybe I'm very uncertain and adopt one set of rules with another qualifying set above, usable in certain instances, maybe going up in a series (When my brain was in better shape, I had a clearer idea of these details). In this way I can sometimes get really paralysed, being very worried about making mistakes. You know if you're in a bad space and can't walk past a dog in the street? Not that you're frightened of it (not in the normal way), but just that the procedures for passing the dog are inneffective, and the frightful moment arrives when it is clear to you that you have failed to walk past the dog but are running into it. Is this what people call OCD?
Declan
Posted by john berk on April 4, 2006, at 15:09:43
In reply to Re: I had no human contact in over 2 years. » john berk, posted by Declan on April 4, 2006, at 14:52:08
That's interesting, i often admire people also who show their rightous anger, hypocrites are a sad lot.
with ocd, you worry constantly about things that never transpire, and fear of rejection and making mistakes are magnified 10 fold. but through self-exploration, and cognitive therapy, i've learned that any and all thought process's are valid, as long as i'm not breaking the law.
i actually now go out of my way sometimes to be somewhat belligerent, or adopt an "attitude", just to know the feeling, i was so obsessed with right and wrong all these years. i was even afraid to yell at people cutting me out in traffic before, now i can lean on my horn and curse with the best of them, lol.
but i do respect honesty more than anything in the human condition, and if someone in church does scorn me, as much as i want connection, i like the fact that they are true to themselves.
ocd is anti-life, it encircles you in a web of fear to protect you from your true, base emotions, i think Freud's interpretation of repressed rage and sexuality in ocd and other pathologies is still valid today, at least i buy it...john
Posted by linkadge on April 4, 2006, at 20:47:58
In reply to Re: I had no human contact in over 2 years. » Declan, posted by john berk on April 4, 2006, at 15:09:43
Hey thanks for the advice.
I think that hugging should just be coustomary, like a handshake. I'm sure we could all lower our valium and attenolol a wee bit if it were like that.
If I can't find anybody maybe I will have to buy a helper monkey. Yeah, a helper monkey could get me off drugs.
Linkadge
Posted by Sarah T. on April 5, 2006, at 4:21:54
In reply to Re: I had no human contact in over 2 years., posted by linkadge on April 4, 2006, at 20:47:58
Hi Linkadge,
How about adopting a kitty cat? You're not allergic, are you? I have two cats. I don't know what I'd do without them. When I travel and have to stay in a hotel, I leave the cats at home or in a kennel, and I miss the cats so much at those times! They are both very affectionate with me (but not with each other, unfortunately). They are more like puppies. I love when they purr.
Have you ever had a cat?
S.
Posted by Kath on April 5, 2006, at 8:57:53
In reply to Linkadge is cool » linkadge, posted by Sarah T. on April 5, 2006, at 4:21:54
A kitten is the thought that crossed my mind also - NOT that I'm putting down monkeys!! ;-)
Just a comment about 12-step meetings. Even though some include the "Lord's prayer", they are for everyone - not only Christians. They do mention God, but it's 'God as you understand God'. I've known people who were atheists & for them, 'God' might be 'Nature' or 'The Universe' etc.
I just wanted to add that in case mention of prayer was uncomfortable for someone who might otherwise try out a meeting.
Kath
Posted by crazy teresa on April 5, 2006, at 19:54:45
In reply to Re: I had no human contact in over 2 years., posted by linkadge on April 4, 2006, at 20:47:58
If you got a helper monkey, you could ask everyone, "Would you like to touch my monkey?" ROFLMAO!!!
Posted by Kath on April 6, 2006, at 8:23:51
In reply to Ok, I can't resist... » linkadge, posted by crazy teresa on April 5, 2006, at 19:54:45
In person, that'd be crazy enough, but online?! lol
K
> If you got a helper monkey, you could ask everyone, "Would you like to touch my monkey?" ROFLMAO!!!
>
>
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.