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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 8 to 32 of 54. Go back in thread:
Posted by JenStar on March 6, 2006, at 10:22:28
In reply to I think I'm lonely, posted by Deneb on March 5, 2006, at 23:04:00
hi Deneb,
if I was in Canada (I'm not) I would have coffee with you. :)I have heard that craig's list is a safe place to post, as long as you act with caution and meet potential new friends in a public place.
They have a "platonic friends" section (at least here in the US) that seems pretty good. I've not used it, but I have posted business-type ads and gotten safe, "normal" people responding to me.
How about your high-school friends that you go out with sometimes? What if you organized some kind of get-together for everyone? You seem really energetic and organized - I bet you could plan something fun. :)
JenStar
Posted by Gee on March 6, 2006, at 13:16:32
In reply to Re: I think I'm lonely » Deneb, posted by JenStar on March 6, 2006, at 10:22:28
Have you tried your IVCF club? It's the inter varsity christian something or other. It sounds kinda intimidating, and I was scared to join it at first, but they have tons of activities and it's an awesome way to meet new people. Here they are so accepting of everyone and anyone.
You could also try the international students club. They put on some cool events, and they are all looking for friends as they are far away from home!
Posted by jonquiljo on March 6, 2006, at 14:37:28
In reply to Re: I think I'm lonely, posted by Gee on March 6, 2006, at 13:16:32
I'm very lonely too. Very very lonely. I'm in San Francisco --- but I'd at least like to say "hi" and tell you that you're not alone.
You're young and have all to look forward to. Please get out and meet some wonderful people. You really do deserve it.
Jon
Posted by ghost on March 6, 2006, at 16:09:48
In reply to I think I'm lonely, posted by Deneb on March 5, 2006, at 23:04:00
deneb,
i know how you feel. i know exactly how you feel, actually. i started to feel that way too. i had to start getting out. in case you (or anyone) noticed, i'm not online hardly at all. i check the RSS feeds, but i don't really keep up much these days.
anyhow, i started volunteering with the local animal rescue and that got me out, although i never really felt like i "fit in." my first day of training, someone brought in a box of kittens whose mother had been hit by a car and they hadnt eaten in like 24 hours. (they weren't more than a couple weeks old.) so we each bottlefed a little tiny kitten. it was wonderful. i felt connected with those babies, but not really the people i was with. which is sort of amusing, in a sad way. it's always like that for me.
anyhow, i've also gotten involved a little bit in other ways and found some social groups from online who meet irl with common interests so i get out for dinner once every couple weeks with them and one saturday a month. meeting a group from the net in a public place i think is pretty safe, and i'd probably avoid get-togethers at houses and whatnot until i felt more comfortable. (i used to do stupid stuff like that before, but now i'm much safer.)
so i think it's a cool idea, and the internet is an easyway to find groups of people who meet and hang out. yahoo groups kind of sucks, but people DO use it and that's how i found this most recent group of folks.
i'd have coffee with you if i were in ottawa :)
good luck,
ghost
Posted by Phillipa on March 6, 2006, at 18:43:56
In reply to Re: I think I'm lonely » Deneb, posted by ghost on March 6, 2006, at 16:09:48
Did you ever hang on out in Barnes and Noble? A lot of people go to read and they have coffee there too. So who knows? Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by Deneb on March 6, 2006, at 21:20:40
In reply to Re: I think I'm lonely » Deneb, posted by Emily Elizabeth on March 6, 2006, at 8:49:57
> You are at a university, which can be very helpful in meeting people. Lots of clubs, events, etc. ... Do they have a club for volunteer work or something?
Yes, they have a lot of clubs. Maybe I'll check them out. Maybe I'm no longer afraid of people and I just don't know yet because I don't go out.
> Also, you might check to see if there are support groups at your university counseling ctr. Pdoc would probably know about them. I think such a group could help you realize that many of the things you experience are also experienced by others.
I think that might be a little too scary for me.
>
> Okay, sweetie, I've just got to say it one more time: Are you getting psychotherapy?My pdoc gives me psychotherapy. She's great. :-) Right now I don't have enough money or time for therapy every week. First and foremost I have to concentrate on my studies. I'm paying my tutor $15/hr and I don't have any money left over.
> I suspect that therapy could help you feel more comfortable with yourself and therefore more comfortable reaching out to socialize.
Maybe...I hope so.
> I haven't said it for a while, but I wanted to give you another gentle push toward therapy.
You guys really do make a difference. Thanks for the "encouragement" :-) I have a feeling it's going to work. You guys got me to see Pdoc2. You guys have more influence than you know.
Deneb*
Posted by Deneb on March 6, 2006, at 21:23:54
In reply to Re: I think I'm lonely » Deneb, posted by JenStar on March 6, 2006, at 10:22:28
> hi Deneb,
> if I was in Canada (I'm not) I would have coffee with you. :)Thanks JenStar! That means a lot to me that you would say that. :-) I would have coffee with you too.
> They have a "platonic friends" section (at least here in the US) that seems pretty good. I've not used it, but I have posted business-type ads and gotten safe, "normal" people responding to me.Yeah, I posted in the "platonic friends" section.
> How about your high-school friends that you go out with sometimes? What if you organized some kind of get-together for everyone? You seem really energetic and organized - I bet you could plan something fun. :)
You know, I think I'll do that! Now I just gotta find some time!
Deneb*
Posted by Deneb on March 6, 2006, at 21:27:55
In reply to Re: I think I'm lonely, posted by Gee on March 6, 2006, at 13:16:32
> Have you tried your IVCF club? It's the inter varsity christian something or other. It sounds kinda intimidating, and I was scared to join it at first, but they have tons of activities and it's an awesome way to meet new people. Here they are so accepting of everyone and anyone.
There's a Christian club but I'm afraid to join something like that because I'm not a Christian. I used to have a friend in that club, but he graduated.
> You could also try the international students club. They put on some cool events, and they are all looking for friends as they are far away from home!
Clubs still sound really intimidating to me. I'll try to find out more info about them.
thanks for the suggestions!
Deneb*
Posted by Deneb on March 6, 2006, at 21:29:33
In reply to Re: I think I'm lonely, posted by jonquiljo on March 6, 2006, at 14:37:28
> I'm very lonely too. Very very lonely. I'm in San Francisco --- but I'd at least like to say "hi" and tell you that you're not alone.
Sorry you're feeling lonely. I used to live near San Francisco. I wish I could be there to have coffee with you. :-)
Deneb*
Posted by Deneb on March 6, 2006, at 21:34:20
In reply to Re: I think I'm lonely » Deneb, posted by ghost on March 6, 2006, at 16:09:48
> anyhow, i started volunteering with the local animal rescue and that got me out
Wow, that's really great. It sounds like a rewarding experience. Volunteering sounds like a great idea. I'll check that out. I could also go for the experience of volunteering.
> anyhow, i've also gotten involved a little bit in other ways and found some social groups from online who meet irl with common interests so i get out for dinner once every couple weeks with them and one saturday a month.
That sounds fun. I hope I can have as much luck. :-)
> i'd have coffee with you if i were in ottawa :)
Me too. :-)
Deneb*
Posted by Deneb on March 6, 2006, at 21:36:05
In reply to Re: I think I'm lonely, posted by Phillipa on March 6, 2006, at 18:43:56
> Did you ever hang on out in Barnes and Noble? A lot of people go to read and they have coffee there too. So who knows? Fondly, Phillipa
No, but there's a Chapters book store close by. I'll keep that in mind next time I go in. thanks Phillipa
:-)
Deneb*
Posted by Deneb on March 7, 2006, at 0:02:05
In reply to Re: I think I'm lonely, posted by Deneb on March 6, 2006, at 0:07:09
I got 5 replies to my request for coffee! Four sound genuine. One sounds creepy. The subject line was: Ottawa Lawyer. The sender didn't give me any info on him/herself (I suspect him), but asked about me. Also asked me for a picture and said, "We could definitely get together for coffee sometime."
IDK, I'm a bit weary of that one so I didn't reply.
Deneb*
Posted by James K on March 7, 2006, at 0:20:24
In reply to My craigslist replies, posted by Deneb on March 7, 2006, at 0:02:05
Sorry, I can't help this. I hope it doesn't bother you.
"Yeah baby, I'm an attorney and I got all the coffee you need. I like my coffee Hot. And black, or creamy (please send photo). Sugar of course, stir it up, but Careful, you might get burned."
maybe a bailbondsman with a bad hair piece.
James K
Posted by jonquiljo on March 7, 2006, at 1:09:52
In reply to My craigslist replies, posted by Deneb on March 7, 2006, at 0:02:05
Deneb,
Please be careful with strangers from CL! Perhaps I'm just a paranoid middle-aged man who has seen too much, but I'd hate to see you in a bad spot. Good luck.
Jon
Posted by Tanzanite on March 7, 2006, at 1:54:41
In reply to My craigslist replies, posted by Deneb on March 7, 2006, at 0:02:05
Stay away from the creepy ones. But, I think it is cool you got some replies already. Just stay safe Deneb. My one friend met some nice and some not so nice people from online. But, hey that is like that in real life too. I really hope you have some good coffee meetups. Peace
Tanzanite
Posted by Deneb on March 7, 2006, at 6:25:34
In reply to Re: My craigslist replies » Deneb, posted by Tanzanite on March 7, 2006, at 1:54:41
I'm going to meet a person from craigslist today at 12:00. Then I'm going to study and meet up with my tutor. I'll report back afterwards!
Deneb*
Posted by NikkiT2 on March 7, 2006, at 11:34:46
In reply to Re: My craigslist replies, posted by Deneb on March 7, 2006, at 6:25:34
1) meet in a very public place. Do not go somewhere private with them, how ever comofrtable you feel.
2) Let someone know where you are going
3) Have a check in time when you call a friend to let them know you are OK.
4) have a time for your friend to call YOU, so you have an easy get away excuse if needs be.
5) call your friend once your meet up is over
I've met *loads* of people who I met online (inlcuding my husband), and though I haven't always followed the rules, please keep yourself safe
Nikki
Posted by Racer on March 7, 2006, at 12:54:18
In reply to Rules of meeting someone from online » Deneb, posted by NikkiT2 on March 7, 2006, at 11:34:46
Posted by Deneb on March 7, 2006, at 16:48:29
In reply to Re: My craigslist replies, posted by Deneb on March 7, 2006, at 6:25:34
I'm really tired right now, stressed out, gonna keep this short.
Met guy, pretty nice
I can't order coffee
His life, electrical engineer, my life, nothing
Me, hamster, him confused
Still ok during meeting, surprisingly not anxious, but still made fool of self
Hits me later
Tutor, me scatterbrained, can't do simple math
He must think I'm stupid, retarded maybe...bad thoughts...can't stand it
He probably knows there's something really wrong with me, he's pretty smart, can't fool him
Me, why do I have to live?
Now, dazed, talking to self, bad thoughts, drained
(I'm literally leaving a small pool of sweat on the keyboard as I type now...way stressed)
Who am I kidding?
I can't socialize...too draining, too stressful
Now, worried about BabbleFest
going to be stressful
travel alone is a first,
strange city, meeting lots of people, sleeping in strange place...
I think I'm gonna crack
gotta calm down, feel like banging head
Deneb*
Posted by James K on March 7, 2006, at 16:53:59
In reply to How it went *trigger*, posted by Deneb on March 7, 2006, at 16:48:29
Girl! chill!
I've been social since I was a young teenager. There isn't a time when I don't wake up the next day, or think when I got home, I blew it, I'm an idiot. It's not like that. People like people and are interested in them.
breathe. breathe. You just did something amazing. Okay?
post back, or babblemail me.
love,
James K
Posted by Deneb on March 7, 2006, at 17:15:31
In reply to Re: How it went *trigger* » Deneb, posted by James K on March 7, 2006, at 16:53:59
Thanks James K
The meeting itself wasn't so bad. I was pretty composed and confident even though I made a fool of myself.
I can't even order coffee right. Please, someone for the BabbleParty, order my food for me.
I had a bad session with my tutor. I seriously think he laughs behind my back now.
I'm really stupid. My thinking comes in bits and pieces, it never really forms into one cohesive clear picture.
I'm too stupid for university.
I just want to crawl into a hole.
Deneb*
Posted by James K on March 7, 2006, at 17:28:09
In reply to Re: How it went, posted by Deneb on March 7, 2006, at 17:15:31
> Thanks James K
>
> The meeting itself wasn't so bad. I was pretty composed and confident even though I made a fool of myself.
>
> I can't even order coffee right. Please, someone for the BabbleParty, order my food for me.---I used to be shy even at a mcdonalds counter. that stuff only goes away with practice. If you get confused about the 100 different kinds of coffee you can get these days, just tell you companion, or the person at the counter. "I'm confused by the 100 different kinds of coffee these days" honesty, the real you is where the answer lies. (not opening up and telling everything, just what you need to tell right that moment)
> I had a bad session with my tutor. I seriously think he laughs behind my back now.
>
> I'm really stupid. My thinking comes in bits and pieces, it never really forms into one cohesive clear picture.
>
> I'm too stupid for university.----University was a problem for me too, but I WASN'T too stupid for it. Neither are you. You feel that way at the moment, and that is legitimate, but you've let glimpses of your knowledge and intellect show here, so you can't deny deneb. Your conversation with Larry yesterday about photons and such shows not "Larry knows more than me" but "We both know more than most". does that make sense?
>
> I just want to crawl into a hole.I know the feeling. Honest I do (((deneb))). but don't let post anxiety deny the brave step you took today.
>
> Deneb*
James*
Posted by Deneb on March 7, 2006, at 18:10:02
In reply to Re: How it went » Deneb, posted by James K on March 7, 2006, at 17:28:09
> ---I used to be shy even at a mcdonalds counter.
Me too. I still am.
> that stuff only goes away with practice.
I don't get a lot of practice.
> If you get confused about the 100 different kinds of coffee you can get these days, just tell you companion, or the person at the counter. "I'm confused by the 100 different kinds of coffee these days"
It would have been OK if it had been just the coffee blunder. I went into StarBucks and when I came out I was totally disoriented and didn't really know where I was. I still don't know downtown Ottawa even though I've lived here for about 12 years! I really don't go out much. When I do go out I only go to places I know. It was only after the guy left that I could get my bearings back. I'm such an idiot.
Right now I have a whole bunch of people who want to have coffee with me. I'm too stressed to do this again. I'm just going to decline them all.
> ----University was a problem for me too, but I WASN'T too stupid for it. Neither are you.
I hope you're right. I think you're right because I'm almost done, but I really don't feel like I've learned anything. My brain is leaky. I need all the things I've learned to integrate and help me understand new concepts and ideas, but my brain isn't doing that. It's just memorizing things until exam time and forgetting them afterwards.
> > I just want to crawl into a hole.
>
> I know the feeling. Honest I do (((deneb))). but don't let post anxiety deny the brave step you took today.I'll try James. Thanks for the hugs. (((James)))
I just wish I could calm down.
Deneb*
Posted by LegWarmers on March 7, 2006, at 19:01:30
In reply to Re: How it went, posted by Deneb on March 7, 2006, at 17:15:31
>
> The meeting itself wasn't so bad. I was pretty composed and confident even though I made a fool of myself.so? why are you beating yourself up?
>
> I can't even order coffee right. Please, someone for the BabbleParty, order my food for me.How do you mean you can't order a coffee? there is nothing wrong with ordering wrong, or mixing up your order, or even spilling your order on the guy who you met for coffee! Everyone does it!
>
> I had a bad session with my tutor. I seriously think he laughs behind my back now.
>and if he does? I doubt he does, most people are fairly intune to when a person is being themselves or if they are affected by stress. Im sure he figured you were either tired, or under pressure
> I'm really stupid. My thinking comes in bits and pieces, it never really forms into one cohesive clear picture.you are't stupid
> I'm too stupid for university.
the fact that you got into university is a sign you arent too stupid for university. Its not that you are too stupid, it might be that you are still working out how to manage the pressure of university though. A lot of people struggle with managing pressure and a lot of people don't do it well!
>
> I just want to crawl into a hole.why? you did something incredibly brave today, you can tell all your other potential coffee dates that you are busy with school and will get back to them later. when something makes you anxious, it takes time to adjust to it without being anxious, don't give up, but put less importance on those people, no one is perfect
Posted by Racer on March 7, 2006, at 19:15:38
In reply to How it went *trigger*, posted by Deneb on March 7, 2006, at 16:48:29
>
> Met guy, pretty niceGood. That's a start.
>
> I can't order coffeeOh, no! So, while he drank his coffee, you had to sit there with nothing? That's terrible!
(I'm assuming the above is not true, right? So, uh, Deneb, if it's not true, and you did have coffee in your hands, what does that tell you? Tells me you can and did order coffee... The only reason I can drink anything in a Starbuck's is that I pick up a bottle of water or plain black decaf. Latte? Cappuchino? What dat?)
>
> His life, electrical engineer, my life, nothingUh, student? That ain't nothing.
>
>
> Still ok during meeting, surprisingly not anxious, but still made fool of selfI don't get this. Then again, I'm a middle aged woman who has much more experience in being anxious in social situations than you do. Guess what, Deneb? He was probably more concerned with how he was coming across than anything about you beyond "attractive" or "not-attractive." Most people will not be judging you nearly as harshly as you judge yourself, and most people won't notice if you flub a word, or anything like that.
>
>
> Tutor, me scatterbrained, can't do simple math
>
> He must think I'm stupid, retarded maybe...bad thoughts...can't stand itDeneb -- Back the heck up here. So, you're scatterbrained and you can't do simple math. (You say, you probably weren't as bad as all that.) Where does the next part come from? You start at Point A, move on to Point B -- so how the heck do you get way the heck over to "he must think I'm stupid?" Much more likely, he thought you were scatterbrained and not concentrating. And probably not even the only one he saw today who was scatterbrained and not concentrating.
Also, I'd bet most math mistakes are in the simple parts. It's not the Big Concepts that people fall down on, it's the "two plus two equals 8" that creates problems. So, if you can't do simple math, it still don't mean you can't do complex math.
>
>
> Me, why do I have to live?Maybe you have to live solely in order to learn NOT to get yourself twisted into a pretzel by the world? You're jumping way past anything the available facts can support.
>
> Who am I kidding?
>
> I can't socialize...too draining, too stressfulYou just need the following four things: To relax, to practice, and to practice and practice some more.
>
> Now, worried about BabbleFest
>You're welcome to worry about it, but wouldn't it be better to use your energy more productively? Think how you'd do if you put half that WorryEnergy into studying? Straight As, so think on that when you start to worry.
Also, talk to your pdoc about this. Maybe it's time to start looking at DBT skills? This is a perfect subject for using them.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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