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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by alesta on May 10, 2005, at 12:52:00
In reply to For Sunny: Please EVERYONE contribute, posted by PM80 on May 10, 2005, at 12:01:49
there are a lot of ppl i'd like to single out and express my gratitude to here..if only we could..the boards would get a little crazy, eh? anyway, wanted y'all to know that..:) i've encountered so many unbelievably supportive ppl here..thank you to the rest of you guys, too. love you. amy
Posted by gardenergirl on May 10, 2005, at 14:23:57
In reply to For Sunny: Please EVERYONE contribute, posted by PM80 on May 10, 2005, at 12:01:49
When she's not being all wise and supportive, she's usually making me laugh. Or both.
gg
Posted by Shy_Girl on May 10, 2005, at 14:40:16
In reply to For Sunny: Please EVERYONE contribute, posted by PM80 on May 10, 2005, at 12:01:49
Thanks Sunny (and everyone), for writing to me even though you haven't known me for very long. You truly deserve to be "sunny" all the time. : )
Posted by sunny10 on May 10, 2005, at 14:55:08
In reply to Re: For Sunny: Please EVERYONE contribute, posted by Shy_Girl on May 10, 2005, at 14:40:16
you guys are too much!!!
I'm just here going through mostly the same emotions as everyone else and just trying to figure out what's right for me....
The irony IS that if I didn't "get it" when feelings were being expressed, I wouldn't be depressed!!!
Life is a juxtaposition for me... I would love to be able to relax and enjoy a world that just went on around me; completely oblivious to everything and everyone (come on, we all know people exactly like this- none of us here- but we know them IRL).
Of course, the "me" that I AM would hate me for being oblivious like that, but the me that I would BE wouldn't know the difference and I would be perfectly content!
How's THAT for everythingness and nothingness theories shot to kingdom-come!!!
-sunny10
Posted by 10derHeart on May 10, 2005, at 15:46:11
In reply to Re: PM80, et al, posted by sunny10 on May 10, 2005, at 14:55:08
>> How's THAT for everythingness and nothingness theories shot to kingdom-come!!!
It's...fascinating, insightful, innovative and wonderful thinking....in other words, typical sunny!
It's a joy to have you here. I don't contribute to your threads much lately. I've been in a similar place as you, although 17+ years ago, but some triggers still are mighty uncomfortable, I'm finding....but trust me, I am almost always reading and cheering you on.
I really wonder if you see just HOW strong and resilient and awesome you are....thankfully PM80 gave us a nice *excuse* (like we needed one) to make SURE to tell you.....
10der - (aka secret sunny10-fan club member)- Heart
Posted by Gabbi-x-2 on May 10, 2005, at 16:08:26
In reply to Re: PM80, et al » sunny10, posted by 10derHeart on May 10, 2005, at 15:46:11
You always seem to have a kind word and time for anyone who needs it, no matter what you yourself are going through. And you are the same exact age as I am too!
Posted by Damos on May 10, 2005, at 16:49:41
In reply to For Sunny: Please EVERYONE contribute, posted by PM80 on May 10, 2005, at 12:01:49
I love our Sunny just because she is. She has the power to make me laugh and cry, to make my heart ache and break, to make me want to be better and more than I am, to reach out and give her the biggest hugs imaginable, to make me proud to know her, and just so much else besides.
((((Sunny))))
Posted by Dinah on May 10, 2005, at 20:35:24
In reply to For Sunny: Please EVERYONE contribute, posted by PM80 on May 10, 2005, at 12:01:49
Sunny, I always enjoy your input. Your posts are not only insightful and sensitive, but also quite sensible. You've got an awful lot to offer the world.
Posted by Tamar on May 11, 2005, at 6:51:10
In reply to Re: For Sunny: Please EVERYONE contribute, posted by Dinah on May 10, 2005, at 20:35:24
I love Sunny because she is generous and wise. Her posts to me always make me feel valued, and I get a lot out of her posts to other people too.
((((Sunny))))
Posted by sunny10 on May 11, 2005, at 9:42:11
In reply to Re: For Sunny: Please EVERYONE contribute, posted by Tamar on May 11, 2005, at 6:51:10
why is it that no one IRL sees me the way you guys do????
Posted by partlycloudy on May 11, 2005, at 10:28:59
In reply to Re: now you've made me cry...., posted by sunny10 on May 11, 2005, at 9:42:11
> why is it that no one IRL sees me the way you guys do????
This is a magical place where our true selves can shine. I think the anonymity of Babble helps us there in feeling more free to express ourselves. IRL there are too many distractions - visual, auditory, you name it - and it's harder to see the Sunny that we can see and appreciate so very clearly here.
Perhaps you might want to print this thread out and tape it up where you can be reminded how many people out there know how special and valued you are.
Posted by sunny10 on May 11, 2005, at 12:14:53
In reply to Re: now you've made me cry.... » sunny10, posted by partlycloudy on May 11, 2005, at 10:28:59
how pathetic IS it that we live in a world in which we are not free to be ourselves?
That we have to live in a world where we are afraid to be ourselves?
How did the world become this way?
Posted by partlycloudy on May 11, 2005, at 14:09:02
In reply to Re: PC, posted by sunny10 on May 11, 2005, at 12:14:53
> how pathetic IS it that we live in a world in which we are not free to be ourselves?
>
> That we have to live in a world where we are afraid to be ourselves?
>
> How did the world become this way?I know, it's pretty bad, isn't it? I suppose I could call it a "Western" cultural thang, or an American Puritan holdover from the Mayflower, lol. Still, I feel lucky to have found this place where we can be ourselves.
pc
Posted by sunny10 on May 11, 2005, at 15:41:53
In reply to Re: PC » sunny10, posted by partlycloudy on May 11, 2005, at 14:09:02
Posted by AuntieMel on May 11, 2005, at 16:23:43
In reply to For Sunny: Please EVERYONE contribute, posted by PM80 on May 10, 2005, at 12:01:49
Because Sunny isn't shallow. She thinks about things before reacting (most of the time). Because she cares and is learning to care about herself.
Posted by AdaGrace on May 11, 2005, at 17:47:52
In reply to Re: For Sunny: Please EVERYONE contribute, posted by AuntieMel on May 11, 2005, at 16:23:43
I am starting to understand the "not giving up" thing. I recalled the other day that I was repeated asked to "not give up" on a certain someone. And I didn't. I look back now and I realize that I gave him everything I could, including as many chances that he asked for. In the end, he was the one who gave up. Sadly though I still haven't. We don't speak, I haven't heard from him since February, and that cold message still stings, but I haven't given up hope that one day we will be together, if only for companionship and nothing more. I have to feed this fantasy, because to let the dream die means I die as well.
So therefore, I have an announcement to make. Sunny, I admire what you are doing. To instill faith in the untrustable is something not many would or could do. I understand how much you love this man.
Now, having said that, I also understand others aprehension about your SO and the fear they have for you and your safety. It's a natural feeling to be worried about someone who seems to be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. I know I feel that way towards you as well. But I just wanted to say that even though I feel it is very possible that this man will hurt you again in the future, I realize and understand why you are doing what you are doing. Who knows right? Who really knows but you and him......
Posted by sunny10 on May 12, 2005, at 8:47:57
In reply to Re: Synny » AuntieMel, posted by AdaGrace on May 11, 2005, at 17:47:52
In response, particularly to this...
> It's a natural feeling to be worried about someone who seems to be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. I know I feel that way towards you as well. But I just wanted to say that even though I feel it is very possible that this man will hurt you again in the future, I realize and understand why you are doing what you are doing. Who knows right? Who really knows but you and him......>
I am counting on the T to know! I have already met with the T who will help both of us individually for anger mgmt, and then bring us together for couples counselling. I have told this T that I have serious trust issues at this point and that I am counting on him to help me see whether my SO is really committted to make things work with me IN A NON-MANIPULATIVE WAY or not. Of course the T said that he will help me figure that out and that he doesn't believe in charging money for couples counselling that is never going to result in a happy couple!I am truly not going in blind, here... I am relying on a professional, licensed psychologist.
Obviously, I do not live in a vacuum- I know about the cycles of abuse, Narcissists, et cetera.
I absolutely want to be sure that I am not planning a life with one of them. That's precisely why I'm bringing in the professional!Does that make anyone feel any better about my safety? To some exent, I AM jumping from the pan into the fire (maybe towards a truth that I don't want to see)... but I've got a fireman (the anger mgmt T) lined up to put it out if the fire spreads instead of going out on its own, and an EMT on standby to help me deal with yet another loss in my life if this doesn't work out with my SO (separate T).
Can you think of any safer way for me to get the answer I seek (one way of the other)?
If I don't try, I will feel as if I failed- I will also wonder for the rest of my life if I threw away slightly damaged goods that would have been perfect for me had they been repaired...
Posted by AdaGrace on May 13, 2005, at 9:21:11
In reply to Re: Synny » AdaGrace, posted by sunny10 on May 12, 2005, at 8:47:57
First of all please forgive my typo of your name......sounds like SIN ny.....LOL
I understand what you are saying and I think you have taken a positive, intelligent approach. Just because I am a pesamist at times, does not mean I am right, nor should you or anyone listen to me. I really think what I was trying to say was that sticking it out, is your choice not mine.
I don't think I would be any different actually. Giving up without exhausting all avenues would definitely make me wonder "what if".
I think a lot of you, you know, and I don't want to see you get hurt, but in the same sense, I don't want you to miss out on an oppotunity for true happyness.
AdaGrace
Posted by sunny10 on May 13, 2005, at 10:19:59
In reply to Re: SynnyWho Is That???? » sunny10, posted by AdaGrace on May 13, 2005, at 9:21:11
sometimes I FEEL "sinny"... typo didn't bother me at all !!!
You're in my thoughts and prayers, too, Gracie!!!
Whatever will be will be....except I won't end up murdered!!! Thus the taking action part!!!
Thanks for caring, I know that's why you guys caution me.
If my best interests weren't in your thoughts, you wouldn't reply at all- I know that.
I'm not upset that everyone is cautioning me; I am very comforted to know that there are people out there who care.
I love you guys, too!!!
-sunny10
Posted by Gabbi-x-2 on May 13, 2005, at 16:30:46
In reply to Sunny » 10derHeart, posted by Gabbi-x-2 on May 10, 2005, at 16:08:26
> You always seem to have a kind word and time for anyone who needs it, no matter what you yourself are going through. And you are the same exact age as I am too!
Actually, that's not true, you have a kind word for everyone but me, you tell me to be nice..
Miss Bossypants! You think you are soooo big.(There do you feel like a big sister now?)
*grin*
Posted by sunny10 on May 17, 2005, at 9:39:49
In reply to Re: Sunny, posted by Gabbi-x-2 on May 13, 2005, at 16:30:46
more like a fool....
more and more lately...
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 17, 2005, at 14:43:19
In reply to Re: » Gabbi-x-2, posted by sunny10 on May 17, 2005, at 9:39:49
> more like a fool....
>
> more and more lately...Ummm....
You wanna talk about that a bit? Sounds like it might do you some good to express yourself.
Lar
Posted by sunny10 on May 17, 2005, at 14:46:21
In reply to Re: » sunny10, posted by Larry Hoover on May 17, 2005, at 14:43:19
Posted by Damos on May 17, 2005, at 17:04:47
In reply to Re:there are no words today, but thanks (nm) » Larry Hoover, posted by sunny10 on May 17, 2005, at 14:46:21
Thought you might need a hug. Was actually wondering how you were doing and hoping things were okay. Anything, anytime - just shout.
XOXOXOXO
Damos
Posted by sunny10 on May 18, 2005, at 9:33:02
In reply to ((((((((((Sunny10)))))))))) » sunny10, posted by Damos on May 17, 2005, at 17:04:47
thanks for the hug.
Everything is the same as last week.
I am just so tired of being locked into a state of waiting.
I have promised to give my SO this time (until June 15th) to gather his own thoughts and not talk about "the future of us", but it is so hard to bite my tongue when he says things that are ambiguous.
He says things like, "we should also check out Texas by the beaches- we don't have to move to Hawaii to live at the beach and have great weather year 'round", to "we should go back to Rehobeth Beach this summer- we really liked it there last year", to "I can only deal with the actual beach for a couple of hours, then I want to show off and take my beautiful woman off the beach to make love and everyone will be jealous", to "it's really great that I can work my schedule around my new rock climbing partner. He has family obligations, but now there's only one family to schedule around instead of two".
Any of those statements could be taken any number of ways, both positive and negative (though the last one can only be positive if it was a test to see if I would react- he needs to feel loved, too) but I can't ask questions- I've been asked to give him time. And since I know that he HAS these anger management issues BECAUSE he's got so much on his mind, it wouldn't help if I bent my own promised boundary.
That's the downside to boundaries.... sometimes they tie your hands. But it is important to me to be a person of my word. How can I expect HIM to keep promises if I can't?!?
So I wait. I wait to see if he is really going to keep his promise of going to the therpaist. If he can go with an open mind, he WILL get help, he WILL get some help in dealing with the fact that he gave up his entire lifestyle of the preceding twelve years. It was his choice to make these changes, (he knows that he has outgrown this lifestyle) but we all know that change is hard- even if we know we need it.
He makes 15 dollars less per hour. He no longer sees the friends that he saw EVERY EVENING. He doesn't "shoot over to Boulder for a concert with his buddies" a couple of times a month, doesn't hang out with buddies to "do recreational drugs". We are talking MAJOR lifestyle changes, here, and he doesn't talk about them with me- probably because he thinks that I will feel either at fault because he moved here "for me" or, at the very least, under pressure to "replace" what he has lost in some way.
But the upshot is that either way, I'm the one that deals with the repercussions of the emotions that bottle up inside of him. I'd prefer to hear him talk and deal with the "feel guilty or not" scenario than get strangled when he's drunk!!!
I'd rather have him talk to a professional to help him deal with it!
So- I made that "time boundary" to make him feel safe and to give myself some time, too. Now I have to deal with not needing as much time as he- but needing answers. Answers that HE can probably not answer, anyway- but the therapist will, as we are seeing the same one for the purpose of turning individual therapy into couples therapy ONLY IF the T determines that my SO is NOT just a manipulator. I have found that I am not a very good judge of character when it comes to my love life. I need to let the professionals make the distinction this time. Because I love my SO, but, other than a rare few, everyone is telling me to drop him like a hot potato. Oh well...time will tell.
I am just hating the waiting. I am as alternately paranoid and loving as I was this time last month...
Waiting, waiting...
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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