![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by sunny10 on March 25, 2005, at 22:04:56
sorry I missed yuo earlier... I don't even know what the time difference is...
My dad died tonight. I've never seen a dead body in real life before. I'm still in shock, I think.
Just adds to my overall numbness right now, I guess...
Posted by Susan47 on March 25, 2005, at 22:42:20
In reply to Hey, Suze..., posted by sunny10 on March 25, 2005, at 22:04:56
Did he look younger, more relaxed?
Posted by Susan47 on March 25, 2005, at 22:48:12
In reply to Hey, Suze..., posted by sunny10 on March 25, 2005, at 22:04:56
It's three or four hours. I'm so sorry, Sunny. (((((Sunny))))) Call me if you like. You know you can. Oh dear, were you with him when he died, or did you come later? Did you know it would be this close, today? What did he say the last time you talked, or maybe that's too much to ask. That's okay, you don't have to answer or even think about it if you don't want to, but it might be good to, I don't know, what do people do when someone dies? We're all different, you will find what works for you, but let yourself feel if it's safe. Find someone who'll accept your feelings and talk to that person.... (remember me if you like) ... tell as little or as much as you like, ask for a hug if you can, don't be afraid to break down and lean on people for support, Sunny. People will respond in amazing ways when they care.
Is your SO being supportive? Is he with you? How is he dealing with the information, and with you?
Posted by Susan47 on March 25, 2005, at 22:49:33
In reply to Hey, Suze..., posted by sunny10 on March 25, 2005, at 22:04:56
Posted by anastasia56 on March 25, 2005, at 23:48:06
In reply to Hey, Suze..., posted by sunny10 on March 25, 2005, at 22:04:56
Posted by sunny10 on March 26, 2005, at 1:13:22
In reply to Re: Hey, Suze..., posted by Susan47 on March 25, 2005, at 22:48:12
my sister-on-law called me and told me that my stepmother had called and said that he was taken to the emergency room after another fall in the bathroom. As was usual, she had called my brother and her two daughters, but didn't call me. It has been this way for years. She thinks I didn't care about my father; what I didn't care for was how completely ignored I've always been in this way. When people don't treat me with respect, I am hard pressed to treat them with any, either. Whether they liked it or not, I turned out exactly how I was raised. Why would they have expected something different? But I digress (mostly to explain why I am just shellshocked, I guess. I had made arrangements for my sister-in-law to get my stepmother out of the house tomorrow morning so I could visit with my dad in peace.)...and then this call.
The ambulance medics found his bloodpressure was dangerously low and his bowels were impacted. When he got to the hospital, his heart stopped. It's a little confusing now whether it stopped and started and then stopped for good, or whether it just stopped once and they couldn't bring him back. He had a no intrusion DNR so they couldn't intubate, but we all know that he had been ready to die some months ago. I would have hated them if they brought him back that way.
But all of this happened by the time we got to the emergency room and they didn't warn us before they walked us into the room. They asked if we were there to see my stepmother, which in retrospect should have been a clue, I guess. But I was completely unprepared. No, Suze, his mouth was still dropped open in a moan of pain. It was horrible. I can't sleep now, because that's all I can see when I close my eyes.
Call me a baby, but my own father is the first person that I've ever seen before the undertakers make them look "at peace". There was nothing peaceful about his face at all. I wanted to slap the nurses for not easing his mouth shut, you know, like they close the eyes? But his eyes were already closed in pain when he died. The stress creases were still in his eyelids.
I don't think I can even start to mourn until I can get over the shock of seeing him that way.
I tried to watch a movie on tv- hoping to replace that image, but even during the commercials, my mind brought it back. I just want to sleep.
I was in such shock that I didn't even lean to my SO for a hug when I got back, so I guess that's why he didn't give one... He has to work tomorrow, so he is sleeping. I told him to go to sleep. I tried to go to sleep WITH him, but every time I close my eyes, I see that shrunken skin and bones creature who died in pain. It's hard for me to believe that they didn't give him anything to dull the pain.
I know that it's overly dramatic to say, but I feel haunted by that face. I know that death is the logical end to life, and I even know he was ready to go, but no one had told me that he was in such pain for the last few days. I know that I couldn't have done anything about it, but I would have been a little more prepared for what I had to see tonight. We weren't even asked whether we wanted to see him that way. I would have preferred to have a much nicer memory of my father. Maybe I'm behaving like a child... I'm just so overwhelmed by everything just now...
Posted by Dinah on March 26, 2005, at 9:45:02
In reply to Re: Suze...(macabre subject matter), posted by sunny10 on March 26, 2005, at 1:13:22
My father went relatively peacefully. But I still see his last day sometimes when I close my eyes.
My most heartfelt sympathies.
Posted by 10derHeart on March 26, 2005, at 11:38:18
In reply to Re: Suze...(macabre subject matter), posted by sunny10 on March 26, 2005, at 1:13:22
Dear Sunny, I'm so, so sorry.
Yes, you are behaving like a child. You ARE a child. A child who just lost their daddy, then had to experience shocks and traumas surrounding it. It's OK. To be in shock. To be angry, sad, numb. To be lost. It's all OK.
I'm glad you were able to post all that here.
I am praying for you. (((sunny)))
Posted by Toph on March 26, 2005, at 13:11:50
In reply to Hey, Suze..., posted by sunny10 on March 25, 2005, at 22:04:56
I regret that I wasn't here yesterday to notice your announcement. I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I were there, we all wish we were there to support you. I'd love for your step-mom to see how many people care for you. When (if) you are at the funeral, close your eyes and imagine all of us holding your hand and hugging you for all to see and for you to feel.
Toph
Posted by anastasia56 on March 26, 2005, at 14:44:39
In reply to Re: Suze...(macabre subject matter), posted by sunny10 on March 26, 2005, at 1:13:22
i went thru the exact same hopital scene with my father 20 years ago. walked in to his hospital room to see him with his mouth open in mid-gasp and eyes open too. it was horrible and the first time i had ever seen a dead person. i am so sorry you had to go thru that. the vision will lessen in intensity with time and the way you remember him will be with other visions. it does take time tho. Be patient and kind to yourself. This can be a very lonely time.
ana
Posted by Susan47 on March 26, 2005, at 22:37:40
In reply to Re: Suze...(macabre subject matter), posted by sunny10 on March 26, 2005, at 1:13:22
ou can get that right now
I'm thinking about you and my heart is Sunny, I'm not able to post much right now, but I want to say this, that aside from your father's dying, you've had a trauma by seeing him this way. You're being traumatized, there's a lot of stuff happening. Can you seek help from a professional? Is there some free therapy or counselling you could make use of? Sleep with the lights on, if it's easier to do that. I go to sleep like that sometimes, when I need that extra bit of comfort. Oh, dear. I'm glad your father is in a better place now.
Posted by sunny10 on March 27, 2005, at 18:15:13
In reply to Re: Suze...(macabre subject matter) » sunny10, posted by Susan47 on March 26, 2005, at 22:37:40
I was finally able to sleep last night.. I guess only sneaking in about three hours of restless sleep will guarantee a good night sleep the next evening!
Now I know why I was never a big party animal... apparently I need a lot of sleep to be able to even think!
I spent the day yesterday with my young cousin (seventeen years younger than me, she is like a daughter) and my son. We went to lunch and went to the movies in th afternoon.
Their presence was very soothing- thank God for them...
I am finally able to NOT see that vision in my head when I close my eyes... sometimes it sneaks back in, but after a good night's sleep I can force it away now.
You are all so sweet and generous with your support. It really meant a lot to me to open up Babble today and read all of your kind words.
Thank you so much... there are no words to tell you all just HOW MUCH I appreciate you. But my heart is swelled with love...
Posted by Dinah on March 27, 2005, at 20:05:05
In reply to Re: thank you all..., posted by sunny10 on March 27, 2005, at 18:15:13
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.