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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Caslon540 on February 20, 2005, at 13:04:25
It sucks when you find it easiest to connect with people on the internet, and find boards like these helpful, but are restricted to providing only vague details about stuff you'd like to talk to about, for fear of being "found out" by family members that control your life (and then suffering the consequences). For instance, I have a family member that will sometimes email me posts from message boards (that he or she doesn't even know if I know exist) saying, "This sounds like you. Did you write this?" Luckily he or she has never identified any posts I have actually made on any message boards.
When I say "found out," I'm not talking about revealing personal information like names, addresses, employers, etc. or anything that could get someone in trouble legally; I'm talking about ME revealing types of feelings/problems I have that family members do not allow (like anything characteristic of mental illness). I hate having to be so vague here. Ugh I give up for now; this post is feeling pointless due to the level of ambiguity required to protect what control I have over my own life.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 20, 2005, at 13:26:42
In reply to Forced ambiguity fueling isolation and rage, posted by Caslon540 on February 20, 2005, at 13:04:25
Hmm.
Hmm.
Well I guess it is hard to ask you to elaborate on that then isn't it???May I ask what the consequences would be if they did ask you if a particular post was yours and they were correct that it was and they could tell that from your reaction?????
Posted by Caslon540 on February 20, 2005, at 14:12:36
In reply to Re: Forced ambiguity fueling isolation and rage » Caslon540, posted by alexandra_k on February 20, 2005, at 13:26:42
> May I ask what the consequences would be if they did ask you if a particular post was yours and they were correct that it was and they could tell that from your reaction?????
Well, if they were able to identify one post correctly, they would then do a Google search to bring up ALL the posts I've made on this board, and come to one of two irrational conclusions: (1) that I "need to be locked up in a mental institution;" (2) that I'm "too crazy" to be living independently over 500 miles away (though still financially dependent—graduating from college now) and need to be forced to move back in with them so that I can be under their constant "care" (i.e., constant: supervision, physical control, mind control, lack of privacy, total social isolation, deprivation of mental health treatment, emotional invalidation, denial, crushing verbal attacks for asserting myself). I'm almost 23, by the way.
Now, if they read THIS post, they'll say that everything I just said is completely false and was implanted in my head by my therapist (because, according to them, ALL therapists do is make ALL their clients hate their parents while their parents are ALL perfect and did nothing wrong), which would, of course, be FALSE!
Posted by Caslon540 on February 20, 2005, at 14:37:24
In reply to Re: Forced ambiguity fueling isolation and rage, posted by Caslon540 on February 20, 2005, at 14:12:36
If I'm at home visiting, and one of them is trying to brainwash me in order to have more control over my future, and I resist—either by completely, uncontrollably breaking down emotionally (crying) or by asserting myself in a civil manner (NOT being aggressive, like they are), this person likes to threaten me by reminding me that a person can be involuntarily admitted to the hospital and kept there for 3 days for doctors to decide if the person needs to be kept there longer against their will. This person has basically threatened me with a form of incarceration over something as trivial as disagreeing with him/her over a hairstyle I had. Their reasoning was that I must be insane in order to disagree with them. This occured when I was at least 21. This person also threatened to cut all my hair off while I was asleep. Pretty immature coming from a person in their 40s, isn't it? It's even worse when it comes to more fundamental things that they see as threats to their status/reputation, like my need for mental health treatment.
Posted by Caslon540 on February 20, 2005, at 15:15:25
In reply to Re: Forced ambiguity fueling isolation and rage, posted by Caslon540 on February 20, 2005, at 14:37:24
Ugh, I've already said too much—more than enough to be disowned.
To you-know-who: I take it back, OK? Just write it off as PMS like you always do. See? No big deal.
Posted by Caslon540 on February 20, 2005, at 19:16:24
In reply to Re: Forced ambiguity fueling isolation and rage, posted by Caslon540 on February 20, 2005, at 15:15:25
Maybe I just said all this because I had a bad day. Maybe the person who threatened me did so because they were having a bad day at the time. :(
Internet is definitely a bad place for me to show feelings.
Posted by rainbowbrite on February 20, 2005, at 19:34:28
In reply to Forced ambiguity fueling isolation and rage, posted by Caslon540 on February 20, 2005, at 13:04:25
I can totally relate to this feeling of worring about being 'found out'. I don't fear people taking control or anything to that degree, Just that I will be humiliated. mental illness is frowned upon in my life to the extreme. I worry all the time that someone will ientify me and say omg you are so weak! That sort of thing. It is hard here becasue I do find that I often say too much and then worry about it. But I am not sure who would be looking on this site anyway. Not my friends and family, at least I don't think so, but then maybe there are some closet depressed people I don't know about lol. I understand where you are coming from but try not to let your self worry too much or it will make you nuts.
I hope you are ok
rain
Posted by TamaraJ on February 20, 2005, at 20:02:14
In reply to Re: Forced ambiguity fueling isolation and rage, posted by Caslon540 on February 20, 2005, at 19:16:24
> Maybe I just said all this because I had a bad day. Maybe the person who threatened me did so because they were having a bad day at the time. :(
>
> Internet is definitely a bad place for me to show feelings.
Well, I think we all need a safe, supportive and impartial environment in which to vent, particularly if we don't have that IRL. There are good, friendly and caring people here.Tamara
Posted by Caslon540 on February 21, 2005, at 21:29:57
In reply to Re: Forced ambiguity fueling isolation and rage » Caslon540, posted by rainbowbrite on February 20, 2005, at 19:34:28
Oh, my paranoia used to be a *whole* lot worse. It wasn't limited to being paranoid about family members, but applied to total strangers as well. For YEARS I was paranoid about being secretly audio- and/or video-recorded wherever I went, even wherever I lived. I felt like, in order to avoid embarassment, I always had to assume that I was being taped, so I inhibited my behavior accordingly. Maybe it's just a coincidence, but my taping paranoia for the most part ended when I started taking Geodon.
I'm doing better today. Thanks.
> I understand where you are coming from but try not to let your self worry too much or it will make you nuts.
> I hope you are ok
> rain
Posted by Caslon540 on February 21, 2005, at 21:31:16
In reply to Re: Forced ambiguity fueling isolation and rage » Caslon540, posted by TamaraJ on February 20, 2005, at 20:02:14
I agree with all of that :)
> Well, I think we all need a safe, supportive and impartial environment in which to vent, particularly if we don't have that IRL. There are good, friendly and caring people here.
>
> Tamara
>
Posted by rainbowbrite on February 21, 2005, at 23:37:07
In reply to Re: Forced ambiguity fueling isolation and rage » rainbowbrite, posted by Caslon540 on February 21, 2005, at 21:29:57
awww Caslon, that sounds awful. it sounds like geodon is helping though, which is good. Have you told you doc the extent of the paranoia? I hope it lessons, it must be awful worrying about your family members as you do. But I think it is also important to take into consideration that what your family is saying and doing is probably all done with love and concern. Unfortunately familys attempts at being helpful often come out wrong. I hope this is true.
Take care of your selfrain :-)
> Oh, my paranoia used to be a *whole* lot worse. It wasn't limited to being paranoid about family members, but applied to total strangers as well. For YEARS I was paranoid about being secretly audio- and/or video-recorded wherever I went, even wherever I lived. I felt like, in order to avoid embarassment, I always had to assume that I was being taped, so I inhibited my behavior accordingly. Maybe it's just a coincidence, but my taping paranoia for the most part ended when I started taking Geodon.
>
> I'm doing better today. Thanks.
Posted by alexandra_k on February 21, 2005, at 23:52:23
In reply to Re: Forced ambiguity fueling isolation and rage » rainbowbrite, posted by Caslon540 on February 21, 2005, at 21:29:57
I am glad you are feeling a bit better today :-)
It must be really hard to deal with feeling like you have to watch your back all the time...
But they have to think you are a threat to either yourself or others to be able to lock you up. So long as you don't say anything to indicate that that may be the case then they really could not use your posts here against you in that way.
Are you still taking the meds???
This is the end of the thread.
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