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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by partlycloudy on November 18, 2004, at 8:04:51
I have not been able to screw up the courage to attend a dance class. I have a headache, my stomach hurts, I'm having Effexor withdrawl, it's in a bad neighbourhood; look at all the reasons I have for not going. I was going to go Tuesday, but I was out of town. I was going to go yesterday, but the carpet cleaning guy was here and I couldn't get into my room to get changed (right). There's a class tonight and I'm frantic at the thought of going to it.
The fact is that I'm terrified to do this alone. When I took dance lessons up north, I knew everyone in the class, and it was a FUN thing, a hoot. This time it has much more meaning for me - self expression, confidence, skill... and I really don't want to do this by myself. There is no one I can call on to drag along with me. My fear keeps me seated on the sofa, keeps my eyes down and mouth closed at the gym, has me rush through the grocery store so quickly I don't even buy all the items on my list. Please don't look at me. Please don't start a conversation. Please let me pass through without you even knowing I was here.
When I danced the other evening for the book club, it was on my turf, to my music, in a space I know well. As it was, I was instantly soaked in a flop sweat as soon as I started. And midway through the dance, I felt an unmistakeably, feminine, embarassing moment start. So I couldn't sit down afterwards but ran to the bathroom. I'm so afraid of embarassing myself. This is not my depression, this is the real me. A wee timid mousey woman with wobbly upper arms.
I don't want to cross the street without someone to hold my hand.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on November 18, 2004, at 8:21:31
In reply to Disappointed myself, posted by partlycloudy on November 18, 2004, at 8:04:51
pc,
So what if you embarassed yourself? What's the worst that could happen? You will still be alive, you will still be pc. This is not a terrible situation. You seem to be approaching it from the "it would be absolutely AWFUL if I embarassed myself. I SHOULD not embaress myself."
How about saying to yourself - "I may embarass myself, but it's hardly the end of the world. People embarass themselves all the time. I won't be the first not the last to do so."
Now of course I'm not saying you WILL embarass yourself, but it always helps me to prepare for worst case scenarios. And they always turn out MUCH better. I don't have any social anxiety, so your quandry is hard for me to truly understand, but I can of course sympathize.
I just feel that you have found dance to be the perfect form of self-expression for you. I believe you owe it to yourself to explore it further.
So, perhaps one way around this fear is maybe you could purposefully show up 15 minutes late to class. That way you won't have to mill around before class starts and be anxious about people talking to you. If you're late, you have no choice but to jump right in without all of the preliminary small talk.
I am so rooting for you PC! BE brave girl! I would totally go with you if I could!
Posted by saw on November 18, 2004, at 8:24:50
In reply to Disappointed myself, posted by partlycloudy on November 18, 2004, at 8:04:51
I am sad that you feel you have disappointed yourself. The way I read it, you are just not quite ready to go yet, with or without a friend. Remember that you are dealing with a lot on your sabbatical and you have been using the time to regain composure in a lot of other tasks that would normally have intimidated you. I have noticed a wonderful boost in your confidence level since you have taken leave from work.
We are all afraid of embarrassing ourselves. Now that is just life. I hardly think you are timid for being quite normal. And you are not mousey. No way!
Don't go yet PC. One baby step at a time. You have already accomplished so much in, what is it now, 3 weeks? And please, try not to see it as a personal failure. You will eventually go, just when you are ready.
In any event, dancing when you feel yuck might make you feel more yuck. I was very fortunate not to experience Effexor withdrawal but I know I felt like that when I went on it and physical exercise was just too painful.
Even though dancing again has a deeper meaning for you now, try to let that come naturally and focus on the fun aspect instead. Perhaps it will loosen your anxiety about *why* it is important for you to dance.
Ok, enough telling you what to do.
Thanks for the tea & ear plugs. Almost home time and you know exactly what I'm taking out the fridge.
Sabrina
Posted by partlycloudy on November 18, 2004, at 9:09:08
In reply to No, not a disappointment » partlycloudy, posted by saw on November 18, 2004, at 8:24:50
How is it that you guys always know how to make me cry?
I have a hard time explaining my embarassment, except to say that it hurts so much that I really wish a hole in the earth would open up and swallow me entirely.
I know that the fear is far worse than the reality.
I know that I won't "die" of embarassment.
When I started my leave from work, I told myself that I would take baby steps, that each activity was a victory. Every dish I washed, every bed I made up, every workout I did, was pushing me a little farther up that mammoth hill my illness has made inside me. This dancing thing has quite an association of strength for me, for which I now understand I'm not quite ready.
I think that I will take a little rest before continuing my charge up that hill.
thank you
Posted by justyourlaugh on November 18, 2004, at 9:18:18
In reply to Re: No, not a disappointment » saw, posted by partlycloudy on November 18, 2004, at 9:09:08
think of how great you will feel when you come home...makes the next time easier..
you know i am sitting next to you..
when you are ready i will hold on tight with my hand in yours...
dance like the gods are watching...
the gods of happiness
j
Posted by sunny10 on November 18, 2004, at 10:30:42
In reply to reawrding » partlycloudy, posted by justyourlaugh on November 18, 2004, at 9:18:18
Posted by anastasia56 on November 18, 2004, at 11:41:04
In reply to reawrding » partlycloudy, posted by justyourlaugh on November 18, 2004, at 9:18:18
Posted by AuntieMel on November 18, 2004, at 12:08:29
In reply to Disappointed myself, posted by partlycloudy on November 18, 2004, at 8:04:51
I have horrible fears about doing things by myself.
When I first started traveling for work it was great, because we went as teams. Sightseeing was so much easier to do when following the pack.
It wasn't long before (when the software improved) that the trips were solo. It took every ounce of willpower I had to get myself to leave the hotel room and get out. This was even true in places I was very familiar with (London, Cracow) but it was excruciating in places I wasn't familiar (Brunei, China, Hong Kong.)
I was always glad later that I did it, but oh! the difficulty of getting started!
The train:
I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I know I can.....
Posted by jujube on November 18, 2004, at 16:14:05
In reply to Disappointed myself, posted by partlycloudy on November 18, 2004, at 8:04:51
Just some food for thought from a book I am currently reading. I share this because it is helping me understand and cope with where I am coming from these days.
"Basically, disappointment, embarrassment, and all these places where we just cannot feel good are a sort of death. We've just lost our ground completely; we are unable to hold it together and feel that we're on top of things. Rather than realizing that it takes death for there to be birth, we just fight against the fear of death.
Reaching our limit is not some kind of punishment. It's actually a sign of health that, when we meet the place where we are about to die, we feel fear and trembling. A further sign of health is that we don't become undone by feat and trembling, but we take it as a message that it's time to stop struggling and look directly at what's threatening us. Things like disappointment and anxiety are messengers telling us that we are about to go into unknown territory."
Tamara
Posted by partlycloudy on November 19, 2004, at 6:30:27
In reply to Re: Disappointed myself » partlycloudy, posted by jujube on November 18, 2004, at 16:14:05
Thanks - I took this as a sign that I still have a lot of work to do on my self esteem and confidence. I won't abandon it, dance means too much to me; but it's a bigger issue than I realized, I guess.
Posted by Shortelise on November 19, 2004, at 11:01:44
In reply to Disappointed myself, posted by partlycloudy on November 18, 2004, at 8:04:51
P/C
Can you make yourself go? Can you say to yourself, I AM NOT GOING TO BE SOME MOUSY WOMAN! and go?Take us with you. Think of me going with you - I would be laughing, excited and holding your hand the whole way.
Then you can tell us all about it.
How about the old inner child thing? Could you think of the part of you who wants to go as a child you are being unkind to? Or would that make you feel more guilty. Ah, what a vicious cycle!
So sorry this is so hard. I feel the same way about paying bills. They stand in a mountain and threaten to consume me.
ShortE
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