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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by boomarang on November 9, 2004, at 18:07:59
In reply to My father's dying, posted by saw on November 9, 2004, at 1:45:00
a parent/child relationship is interesting. We only ever get one father and one mother...therefore when a parent dies, we don't have the opportunity to 'try again' in another relationship. Closure becomes an issue. In other cases closure has already been achieved. Maybe you already have. Sending you peaceful thoughts.
sara
Posted by Dinah on November 9, 2004, at 20:54:25
In reply to My father's dying, posted by saw on November 9, 2004, at 1:45:00
I think Mel's right. There's no right or wrong way to feel about death in the family under any circumstances, and especially not under difficult circumstances. I'd just accept the feelings as they come up.
But I am sorry about this. You aound as if you have a pretty good attitude about understanding that this is just who he is and that it doesn't have anything to do with you. That's very healthy of you.
Posted by corafree on November 9, 2004, at 21:47:56
In reply to My father's dying, posted by saw on November 9, 2004, at 1:45:00
saw - Suppose you wonder if should go for funeral? One thing came to mind thus far; contemplating this in case of myself and mother; you may want to set example for your son/people you love, by attending or honoring the life/death = funeral. It is okay if you 'don't' feel grief or feel little grief. Blow off anyone who tries invalidate, lack of, feeling. To one deserving, you may want to explain your feelings/actions. Condolences, cf
Posted by corafree on November 10, 2004, at 1:07:52
In reply to Re: My father's dying » saw, posted by corafree on November 9, 2004, at 21:47:56
I'd like to apologize for saying 'condolences'. I know what your reaction prob' was. cf
Posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 2:26:21
In reply to Re: My father's dying » corafree, posted by corafree on November 10, 2004, at 1:07:52
I did do a jump start but no offence taken at all :)
Sabrina
Posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 2:36:25
In reply to Re: My father's dying » corafree, posted by corafree on November 10, 2004, at 1:07:52
Wow. Nothing prepared me for this. Nothing.
I was with Dad last night and again for a short bit this morning.
I knew that I would be finding him hooked up to machines and things but was still so taken aback to see just what all is needed to help him stay alive. I was alone with him for a while and very grateful for this.
His wife had mentioned that he had been completely unresponsive so far but when I held his hand, spoke with him, told him I was there and thay my brother (who is in the US) was there in spirit, he opened his eyes and looked straight at me. I could see that he was enormously frustrated and dare I say, his heart beat accelerated which is not a good thing, so I just soothed him and touched him a lot and continued to speak quietly to him. He tried to communicate with me a number of times and my own frustration was real when stubborn tears squeezed out of his eyes. Then I started feeling the pain of the whole thing.
Medically, the prognosis is very poor. He has an exclusive trauma nurse with him at all times. He has angina, congenital heart failure, hypertension and his diabetes have complicated his now failing kidneys. I believe that his lungs are clotting and they are doing their best to try and keep them clear. He is being fed morphine, dormicum (*love that stuff*), dopamine (who woulda thought) and various other antibiotics and things through the countless pipes and drips. His blood pressure was dangerously low this morning and they were checking him every 5 minutes. He did not respond to me this morning but I could feel in his breathing that he knew I was there.
I cried buckets last night (with him and at home) but have kept it in this morning.
I know Dad is a fighter. I know that this is frighteningly frustrating for him. But I feel this is beyond his power and I said goodbye to him (quietly, that is) last night and this morning and will do this again when I visit him tonight.
Apparently my love for him was there all the time. Just piled under years of lack of communication.
I am fighting very hard to not focus on what if and what could have been. I have enough mental issues to deal with to have to try and cope with that.
I do love him, and I will miss him and I could use everyone's strength right now as I face saying goodbye to my daddy!
Forgive my scattered post. I am feeling quite raw at the moment and my thoughts are racing.
Sabrina
Posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 5:43:23
In reply to Just back from hospital. Need everyone's strength, posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 2:36:25
Dad has now been taken off the sedative as he has slipped into a coma. The doctors give him 5 to 10 % chance of making it. Ventilator may be switched off next.
I never did get to talk with him. But I talked to him and I do believe that he heard me last night. He heard me tell him that I love him and that he is my hero and that it doesn't matter one ounce that we lived such far apart lives. I told him I am very proud of being his daughter. He looked at me. He heard me. Now he has slipped into a coma.
That's enough for me. That he heard. He knows I love him. Even if I didn't.I am going to go to him now and just be there with him, if he goes.
Sabrina
Posted by partlycloudy on November 10, 2004, at 5:45:45
In reply to Just back from hospital. Need everyone's strength, posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 2:36:25
Sabrina, it is a real milestone that you have been able to visit with your dad. It's a time for forgiveness and reconciliation, and it is very fortunate that you've been able to do this.
You are already an incredibly strong woman, but you have my support to draw from if you ever need it.
pc
Posted by AdaGrace on November 10, 2004, at 6:38:21
In reply to On my way back, posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 5:43:23
Sabrina,
My heart goes out to you. There were things I wanted to tell you about my Mother dying and my father's response to us all regarding that, but I felt it wasn't the right time. Perhaps sometime in the future, maybe privately I will share it with you. It makes what you are going through make more sense. However, the reason I didn't say anything was that noone can tell you how to feel, and noone can judge you. You feel what you feel, and then you deal with that alone. I somehow knew though that this is how it would all come about. I felt it. Be brave, be strong, cry and wail, and know that time as in all cases will ease the pain. Be thankful you had a chance to say what you did, and carry that with you on the lonely days where you miss him and wonder what might have been.Thinking of you very very much.
AdaGrace
Posted by fallsfall on November 10, 2004, at 8:01:22
In reply to On my way back, posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 5:43:23
Thank you for letting us see the beautiful love that you and your father share.
I wish peace for both of you.
Posted by jujube on November 10, 2004, at 8:19:22
In reply to Just back from hospital. Need everyone's strength, posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 2:36:25
My thoughts are with you Sabrina during this difficult time.
Tamara
> Wow. Nothing prepared me for this. Nothing.
>
> I was with Dad last night and again for a short bit this morning.
>
> I knew that I would be finding him hooked up to machines and things but was still so taken aback to see just what all is needed to help him stay alive. I was alone with him for a while and very grateful for this.
>
> His wife had mentioned that he had been completely unresponsive so far but when I held his hand, spoke with him, told him I was there and thay my brother (who is in the US) was there in spirit, he opened his eyes and looked straight at me. I could see that he was enormously frustrated and dare I say, his heart beat accelerated which is not a good thing, so I just soothed him and touched him a lot and continued to speak quietly to him. He tried to communicate with me a number of times and my own frustration was real when stubborn tears squeezed out of his eyes. Then I started feeling the pain of the whole thing.
>
> Medically, the prognosis is very poor. He has an exclusive trauma nurse with him at all times. He has angina, congenital heart failure, hypertension and his diabetes have complicated his now failing kidneys. I believe that his lungs are clotting and they are doing their best to try and keep them clear. He is being fed morphine, dormicum (*love that stuff*), dopamine (who woulda thought) and various other antibiotics and things through the countless pipes and drips. His blood pressure was dangerously low this morning and they were checking him every 5 minutes. He did not respond to me this morning but I could feel in his breathing that he knew I was there.
>
> I cried buckets last night (with him and at home) but have kept it in this morning.
>
> I know Dad is a fighter. I know that this is frighteningly frustrating for him. But I feel this is beyond his power and I said goodbye to him (quietly, that is) last night and this morning and will do this again when I visit him tonight.
>
> Apparently my love for him was there all the time. Just piled under years of lack of communication.
>
> I am fighting very hard to not focus on what if and what could have been. I have enough mental issues to deal with to have to try and cope with that.
>
> I do love him, and I will miss him and I could use everyone's strength right now as I face saying goodbye to my daddy!
>
> Forgive my scattered post. I am feeling quite raw at the moment and my thoughts are racing.
>
> Sabrina
>
>
Posted by Dinah on November 10, 2004, at 9:25:50
In reply to On my way back, posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 5:43:23
I'm glad you got a chance to do that. I'm sure he did hear. You are being very loving to him.
My thoughts will be with you.
Posted by vwoolf on November 10, 2004, at 9:45:11
In reply to Re: On my way back » saw, posted by Dinah on November 10, 2004, at 9:25:50
I have just had an SMS from Saw (Sabrina) to say that her father has gone. She was with him when he died and is feeling very sore. Unfortunately she doesn't have access to Babble until tomorrow morning at work, so she has asked me to let you all know.
Posted by gardenergirl on November 10, 2004, at 10:14:02
In reply to Saw's father has gone, posted by vwoolf on November 10, 2004, at 9:45:11
Posted by MKB on November 10, 2004, at 11:05:03
In reply to On my way back, posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 5:43:23
I'm so sorry to hear about your father's passing, but it sounds like you have handled the situation in the healthiest possible way, which will bring you much peace in the future.
Posted by octopusprime on November 10, 2004, at 11:18:45
In reply to On my way back, posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 5:43:23
(((sabrina)))
you honoured your father in the way you knew how.
you are so brave
i am saddened to hear of your father's passing
i'm sure he was proud to be your dad
i'm proud to have you as part of babblehere's a virtual shoulder to lean on
peace
Posted by coral on November 10, 2004, at 11:25:52
In reply to My father's dying, posted by saw on November 9, 2004, at 1:45:00
Dear Sabrina,
My deepest sympathies.......
Coral
Posted by partlycloudy on November 10, 2004, at 11:45:32
In reply to Saw's father has gone, posted by vwoolf on November 10, 2004, at 9:45:11
Thank you so much for letting us know.
Posted by jujube on November 10, 2004, at 11:51:03
In reply to Re: My father's dying, posted by coral on November 10, 2004, at 11:25:52
Sabrina,
I am so sorry for your loss. Please accept my deepest sympathies. I wish you courage and strength during this difficult time. As you go through this period of mourning, may you be comforted, uplifted and supported by those who love you and by your many "unseen" friends at Babble.
Be good and kind to yourself as you grieve and as you deal with the emotions of your loss.
Tamara
Posted by sunny10 on November 10, 2004, at 12:47:57
In reply to To Sabrina, posted by jujube on November 10, 2004, at 11:51:03
Posted by corafree on November 10, 2004, at 13:27:30
In reply to Just back from hospital. Need everyone's strength, posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 2:36:25
Your post was perfect. You've shared some very inspiring thoughts and thank you for that.
I lost my father in February. It has been the most powerful experience of my life to now.
You can't go back and do things over, I guess. But, you can learn something from your experience, something very valuable is what you have reaped from your father and you will battle with yourself until you understand what that is.
My heart is with you in your journey. Remember, you have received a gift from him. And, I believe he would like you to wrap yourself in it! I feel that may have been the frustration you saw in his eyes.
You can tell him you understand, he need not be frustrated, and thank him now for this new lesson you are learning ... a good lesson, not a bad one; an enlightening gift. I believe it will give him peace to hear your understanding and gratitude; frustration relieved!
For you, I pray you give yourself a break, don't take on a lot at this time, take tender care of yourself, and consider letting those who love you here, and there, help you through this time. always, cf
Posted by Dinah on November 10, 2004, at 14:08:12
In reply to Saw's father has gone, posted by vwoolf on November 10, 2004, at 9:45:11
Posted by boomarang on November 10, 2004, at 14:32:26
In reply to Re: Just back from hospital. Need everyone's strength » saw, posted by corafree on November 10, 2004, at 13:27:30
my sympathies to you during this difficult time. Take comfort in knowing he heard the time you spent with him as they say hearing is the last to go. Sending you comforting vibes.
sara
Posted by just plain jane on November 10, 2004, at 17:28:07
In reply to My father's dying, posted by saw on November 9, 2004, at 1:45:00
Sabrina,
I feel such aching for you.
I understand your varying thoughts and feelings well, as I dearly love each of my parents, but do not have close relationships, for reasons, of course. Every day I consider how I will feel, react, think, when the call comes that one of them has passed.
I hope for you that you can indeed recall the feelings you felt prior to his passing, keep in touch with the realities of what is and has been and not lose yourself in what might have been.
Be not hard upon thyself,
Thy loss is hard enough.(gentle supportive embrace)
jane
Posted by JenStar on November 10, 2004, at 19:54:13
In reply to Saw's father has gone, posted by vwoolf on November 10, 2004, at 9:45:11
sabrina,
I'm so sorry. I'm glad you got the satisfaction of speaking to your father one last time and saying nice things to him. It sounds like it made YOU feel better to say it, and no doubt it made him feel relieved to hear it.I hope you're doing well.
take care.JenStar
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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