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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 42. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by saw on November 9, 2004, at 1:45:00
I have just received news (via email, not even to me, I was COPIED!), that my father is critically ill, in ICU isolation. They did not expect him to make it the night. His internal organs appear to be failing. He suffered a heart attack in the last three weeks and is still starved of oxygen because his heartbeat is so fast. He is on a ventilator and is sedated. He was given shock treatment but this didn't help much. He has clots in his lungs and is bleeding internally.
Now the awful thing is, is that I feel so strange about this. I am not at all close to my Dad. He wasn't there for me when I grew up and has not really been there in my adulthood. He has a somewhat eccentric personality but is incredibly withdrawn and introverted all the same. My son doesn't even recognize him as his grandfather. It is next to impossible to hold a conversation with him. I do not hate him, and I guess I love him because he is my father. I am not angry with him, he has not done anything to hurt me. We just have zero in common. And I have never really given it more energy than this. People always seem so surprised when I mention my father because they cannot imagine me having one! (That sounded strange).
But this news has shocked me and I find myself wondering how I will react when his time comes, which appears to be soon. The whole thing is so surreal. What am I going to feel? What am I going to do?
Sabrina
Posted by partlycloudy on November 9, 2004, at 4:41:36
In reply to My father's dying, posted by saw on November 9, 2004, at 1:45:00
My head would be spinning at the news. I guess I would feel badly if I didn't feel anything, if that makes any sense. To hear of anyone's suffering is sad, even someone you don't know well. Don't worry about what you're "supposed" to feel. It's all valid and real. Do you have any siblings you can talk with about him?
pc
Posted by AdaGrace on November 9, 2004, at 7:08:49
In reply to My father's dying, posted by saw on November 9, 2004, at 1:45:00
Losing someone, anyone that you even remotely know can be a struggle on your heart and brain. To be affraid of "not feeling the right thing" can be scary. Noone can tell you how to feel, but I know, I've been there, not sure of what to feel. When I lost my grandmother (the one I WASN'T close to) I felt nothing. No remorse, no pain, nothing. But when my mother died, I thought my world had ended. My father, now that would be a tough one. I don't really know how I feel about him. I don't know if I would cry or even feel bad.
I understand what you are going through Sabrina. It's tough. I'm here if you want to talk.
Posted by JenStar on November 9, 2004, at 9:58:22
In reply to My father's dying, posted by saw on November 9, 2004, at 1:45:00
hi Sabrina,
for me, it's very hard to be around death of any kind, even if I wasn't close to the person in question. My feelings & wishes go out to you now...take care of yourself & be kind to yourself, regardless of how you feel. I think it's never easy when a parent passes away, even if you weren't close, because it stirs up all the past emotions with that person. Anyway I wish you the best. Take care!JenStar
Posted by AuntieMel on November 9, 2004, at 10:43:53
In reply to My father's dying, posted by saw on November 9, 2004, at 1:45:00
I know what you mean. My father and I not only weren't close, he was emotionally abusive to us when we were kids.
I tried to stay in contact with him, though it was never comfortable, knowing that I (this is about how *I* operate) would feel guilty forever if I didn't at least try.
But when he died, I didn't care. I didn't feel bad, glad, happy, sad - just nothing. At first I thought it was probably the 'shock' of the situation, but fact is I still don't care.
It was a huge revelation to me in therapy to admit that I really, really just didn't care - and that it was ok.
So, my advice is to just feel what you feel and don't worry if it is right or wrong. Whatever you feel is right for you, and that is all that matters.
Posted by octopusprime on November 9, 2004, at 12:24:53
In reply to My father's dying, posted by saw on November 9, 2004, at 1:45:00
(((saw)))
i'm sorry about your dad. you seem confused and upset, even if you were not close.
is it possible to go to your father's bed side and say good bye?
if the opportunity is remotely possible i suggest you take it.
this isn't a "good dad" or "good daughter" competition. this is about acknowledging his presence in your life (even if it was in the shadows), and acknowledging that without him you would not have life.
Posted by Susan47 on November 9, 2004, at 16:47:55
In reply to My father's dying, posted by saw on November 9, 2004, at 1:45:00
Perhaps time is the thing that will tell you how you feel, eventually. What are you planning on doing, anything? Is he still alive? Far away? Would you wish to see him before he dies, or not? Will you go to his funeral service, if there is one? Is there a relative you can talk to about this?
Posted by boomarang on November 9, 2004, at 18:07:59
In reply to My father's dying, posted by saw on November 9, 2004, at 1:45:00
a parent/child relationship is interesting. We only ever get one father and one mother...therefore when a parent dies, we don't have the opportunity to 'try again' in another relationship. Closure becomes an issue. In other cases closure has already been achieved. Maybe you already have. Sending you peaceful thoughts.
sara
Posted by Dinah on November 9, 2004, at 20:54:25
In reply to My father's dying, posted by saw on November 9, 2004, at 1:45:00
I think Mel's right. There's no right or wrong way to feel about death in the family under any circumstances, and especially not under difficult circumstances. I'd just accept the feelings as they come up.
But I am sorry about this. You aound as if you have a pretty good attitude about understanding that this is just who he is and that it doesn't have anything to do with you. That's very healthy of you.
Posted by corafree on November 9, 2004, at 21:47:56
In reply to My father's dying, posted by saw on November 9, 2004, at 1:45:00
saw - Suppose you wonder if should go for funeral? One thing came to mind thus far; contemplating this in case of myself and mother; you may want to set example for your son/people you love, by attending or honoring the life/death = funeral. It is okay if you 'don't' feel grief or feel little grief. Blow off anyone who tries invalidate, lack of, feeling. To one deserving, you may want to explain your feelings/actions. Condolences, cf
Posted by corafree on November 10, 2004, at 1:07:52
In reply to Re: My father's dying » saw, posted by corafree on November 9, 2004, at 21:47:56
I'd like to apologize for saying 'condolences'. I know what your reaction prob' was. cf
Posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 2:26:21
In reply to Re: My father's dying » corafree, posted by corafree on November 10, 2004, at 1:07:52
I did do a jump start but no offence taken at all :)
Sabrina
Posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 2:36:25
In reply to Re: My father's dying » corafree, posted by corafree on November 10, 2004, at 1:07:52
Wow. Nothing prepared me for this. Nothing.
I was with Dad last night and again for a short bit this morning.
I knew that I would be finding him hooked up to machines and things but was still so taken aback to see just what all is needed to help him stay alive. I was alone with him for a while and very grateful for this.
His wife had mentioned that he had been completely unresponsive so far but when I held his hand, spoke with him, told him I was there and thay my brother (who is in the US) was there in spirit, he opened his eyes and looked straight at me. I could see that he was enormously frustrated and dare I say, his heart beat accelerated which is not a good thing, so I just soothed him and touched him a lot and continued to speak quietly to him. He tried to communicate with me a number of times and my own frustration was real when stubborn tears squeezed out of his eyes. Then I started feeling the pain of the whole thing.
Medically, the prognosis is very poor. He has an exclusive trauma nurse with him at all times. He has angina, congenital heart failure, hypertension and his diabetes have complicated his now failing kidneys. I believe that his lungs are clotting and they are doing their best to try and keep them clear. He is being fed morphine, dormicum (*love that stuff*), dopamine (who woulda thought) and various other antibiotics and things through the countless pipes and drips. His blood pressure was dangerously low this morning and they were checking him every 5 minutes. He did not respond to me this morning but I could feel in his breathing that he knew I was there.
I cried buckets last night (with him and at home) but have kept it in this morning.
I know Dad is a fighter. I know that this is frighteningly frustrating for him. But I feel this is beyond his power and I said goodbye to him (quietly, that is) last night and this morning and will do this again when I visit him tonight.
Apparently my love for him was there all the time. Just piled under years of lack of communication.
I am fighting very hard to not focus on what if and what could have been. I have enough mental issues to deal with to have to try and cope with that.
I do love him, and I will miss him and I could use everyone's strength right now as I face saying goodbye to my daddy!
Forgive my scattered post. I am feeling quite raw at the moment and my thoughts are racing.
Sabrina
Posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 5:43:23
In reply to Just back from hospital. Need everyone's strength, posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 2:36:25
Dad has now been taken off the sedative as he has slipped into a coma. The doctors give him 5 to 10 % chance of making it. Ventilator may be switched off next.
I never did get to talk with him. But I talked to him and I do believe that he heard me last night. He heard me tell him that I love him and that he is my hero and that it doesn't matter one ounce that we lived such far apart lives. I told him I am very proud of being his daughter. He looked at me. He heard me. Now he has slipped into a coma.
That's enough for me. That he heard. He knows I love him. Even if I didn't.I am going to go to him now and just be there with him, if he goes.
Sabrina
Posted by partlycloudy on November 10, 2004, at 5:45:45
In reply to Just back from hospital. Need everyone's strength, posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 2:36:25
Sabrina, it is a real milestone that you have been able to visit with your dad. It's a time for forgiveness and reconciliation, and it is very fortunate that you've been able to do this.
You are already an incredibly strong woman, but you have my support to draw from if you ever need it.
pc
Posted by AdaGrace on November 10, 2004, at 6:38:21
In reply to On my way back, posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 5:43:23
Sabrina,
My heart goes out to you. There were things I wanted to tell you about my Mother dying and my father's response to us all regarding that, but I felt it wasn't the right time. Perhaps sometime in the future, maybe privately I will share it with you. It makes what you are going through make more sense. However, the reason I didn't say anything was that noone can tell you how to feel, and noone can judge you. You feel what you feel, and then you deal with that alone. I somehow knew though that this is how it would all come about. I felt it. Be brave, be strong, cry and wail, and know that time as in all cases will ease the pain. Be thankful you had a chance to say what you did, and carry that with you on the lonely days where you miss him and wonder what might have been.Thinking of you very very much.
AdaGrace
Posted by fallsfall on November 10, 2004, at 8:01:22
In reply to On my way back, posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 5:43:23
Thank you for letting us see the beautiful love that you and your father share.
I wish peace for both of you.
Posted by jujube on November 10, 2004, at 8:19:22
In reply to Just back from hospital. Need everyone's strength, posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 2:36:25
My thoughts are with you Sabrina during this difficult time.
Tamara
> Wow. Nothing prepared me for this. Nothing.
>
> I was with Dad last night and again for a short bit this morning.
>
> I knew that I would be finding him hooked up to machines and things but was still so taken aback to see just what all is needed to help him stay alive. I was alone with him for a while and very grateful for this.
>
> His wife had mentioned that he had been completely unresponsive so far but when I held his hand, spoke with him, told him I was there and thay my brother (who is in the US) was there in spirit, he opened his eyes and looked straight at me. I could see that he was enormously frustrated and dare I say, his heart beat accelerated which is not a good thing, so I just soothed him and touched him a lot and continued to speak quietly to him. He tried to communicate with me a number of times and my own frustration was real when stubborn tears squeezed out of his eyes. Then I started feeling the pain of the whole thing.
>
> Medically, the prognosis is very poor. He has an exclusive trauma nurse with him at all times. He has angina, congenital heart failure, hypertension and his diabetes have complicated his now failing kidneys. I believe that his lungs are clotting and they are doing their best to try and keep them clear. He is being fed morphine, dormicum (*love that stuff*), dopamine (who woulda thought) and various other antibiotics and things through the countless pipes and drips. His blood pressure was dangerously low this morning and they were checking him every 5 minutes. He did not respond to me this morning but I could feel in his breathing that he knew I was there.
>
> I cried buckets last night (with him and at home) but have kept it in this morning.
>
> I know Dad is a fighter. I know that this is frighteningly frustrating for him. But I feel this is beyond his power and I said goodbye to him (quietly, that is) last night and this morning and will do this again when I visit him tonight.
>
> Apparently my love for him was there all the time. Just piled under years of lack of communication.
>
> I am fighting very hard to not focus on what if and what could have been. I have enough mental issues to deal with to have to try and cope with that.
>
> I do love him, and I will miss him and I could use everyone's strength right now as I face saying goodbye to my daddy!
>
> Forgive my scattered post. I am feeling quite raw at the moment and my thoughts are racing.
>
> Sabrina
>
>
Posted by Dinah on November 10, 2004, at 9:25:50
In reply to On my way back, posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 5:43:23
I'm glad you got a chance to do that. I'm sure he did hear. You are being very loving to him.
My thoughts will be with you.
Posted by vwoolf on November 10, 2004, at 9:45:11
In reply to Re: On my way back » saw, posted by Dinah on November 10, 2004, at 9:25:50
I have just had an SMS from Saw (Sabrina) to say that her father has gone. She was with him when he died and is feeling very sore. Unfortunately she doesn't have access to Babble until tomorrow morning at work, so she has asked me to let you all know.
Posted by gardenergirl on November 10, 2004, at 10:14:02
In reply to Saw's father has gone, posted by vwoolf on November 10, 2004, at 9:45:11
Posted by MKB on November 10, 2004, at 11:05:03
In reply to On my way back, posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 5:43:23
I'm so sorry to hear about your father's passing, but it sounds like you have handled the situation in the healthiest possible way, which will bring you much peace in the future.
Posted by octopusprime on November 10, 2004, at 11:18:45
In reply to On my way back, posted by saw on November 10, 2004, at 5:43:23
(((sabrina)))
you honoured your father in the way you knew how.
you are so brave
i am saddened to hear of your father's passing
i'm sure he was proud to be your dad
i'm proud to have you as part of babblehere's a virtual shoulder to lean on
peace
Posted by coral on November 10, 2004, at 11:25:52
In reply to My father's dying, posted by saw on November 9, 2004, at 1:45:00
Dear Sabrina,
My deepest sympathies.......
Coral
Posted by partlycloudy on November 10, 2004, at 11:45:32
In reply to Saw's father has gone, posted by vwoolf on November 10, 2004, at 9:45:11
Thank you so much for letting us know.
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