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Posted by Scott in Vermont on August 27, 2004, at 13:50:02
In reply to Re: Susan47 please read, posted by zenhussy on August 27, 2004, at 13:28:45
ZH,
I'm impressed. That was an incredible post. Everyone should read it.
Posted by zenhussy on August 27, 2004, at 13:58:46
In reply to Re: Susan47 please read » zenhussy, posted by Scott in Vermont on August 27, 2004, at 13:50:02
> ZH,
>
> I'm impressed. That was an incredible post. Everyone should read it.Scott,
I just reposted the FAQ from a thread a year ago where posters talked about how to deal with suicidal posters. It was gathered up into the FAQ by Dr. Hsiung.
I tend to forget just how varied we all are in our responses to these situations.
I thought it might help some here to read these words from posters who had been on the site for years and seen the ups and downs of suicidal postings as Dr. Hsiung's civility rules morphed and allowed for more restricted expression.
That said.............I still care about you you knucklehead!! I don't have any pithy answers or suggestions for you other than to listen to TofuEmmy as she is a wise soycube.
Kindly and with respect for your choices,
--zh
Posted by Scott in Vermont on August 27, 2004, at 14:49:38
In reply to Re: can't stop me from caring you knucklehead = ) » Scott in Vermont, posted by zenhussy on August 27, 2004, at 13:58:46
I've read all the responses. All of them. I wish I had the time to respond to them individually. It would take me a couple of hours, and I don't have that kind of time (I only do this at work, but if Dr Bob calls my ISP, that's going to change, and I'll get fired, and well, a lot of things will change after that) but anyway, I'm fragmented into many parts now. Some parts of me want to scream because I don't WANT anyone to care. STOP CARING, DAMN YOU! But other parts of me are so deeply moved that I have had an impact on other people, that my words have meant something to people... that's powerful. But then I turn the corner to guilt... gahhh... my old "friend" guilt... many emotions swim and churn. Fear is a major one right now. I forgot about the whole ISP contact thing. My ISP is my employer. If Dr Bob calls my employer, my timeline for "whatever" will become so accelerated that I won't have any idea what will happen, and really, my job is what has kept me afloat this long because I really like my job and my job provides me with an income that allows me to live around here. So hey, Dr Bob, if you're reading this, put the phone down, I'll be good. Really. I was kidding.
You know, this sucks. I've gone from fear to terror. I can't lose my job. I can't. I just got a child support order in the mail yesterday. If I get fired and I can't pay the order I'll lose my hunting licence and I'll lose my drivers licence and I'll have to move and I could get thrown in jail if I don't get a job soon enough and there's no way I'll get a job in Communications in Vermont making what I'm making right now because the only other games in town are Verizon and Adelphia, and I won't work for either one of them for ethical reasons. So I guess it's back to the saw mill. Hello $7 an hour and no benefits. Not that there is anything wrong with that at all. I had a lot of pride in my work when I was at the mill. But it's not a salary that provides a living wage when you're giving $1,000 a month to someone else.
This sucks. This really sucks. So ZH, when you said Dr Bob knows about what's going on here, what exactly did you mean by that anyway? Because if my ISP (re: my employer) is notified about my posts on Babble... shoot, if I was ever going to use an uncivil phrase here, this would be the moment.
I'm going to go have a cigarette.
- Scott (who's not very happy about having the power of decision taken out of my hands once again)
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 15:32:33
In reply to Re: can't stop me from caring you knucklehead = ), posted by Scott in Vermont on August 27, 2004, at 14:49:38
Scott,
"So hey, Dr Bob, if you're reading this, put the phone down, I'll be good. Really. I was kidding"Are you lying? I hope not.
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 15:40:30
In reply to Re: can't stop me from caring you knucklehead = ) » Scott in Vermont, posted by zenhussy on August 27, 2004, at 13:58:46
Zenhussy,
Thank you for putting up the post. I was reading yours as well, and got all achy in my bones. It feels like you're slapping my hands. So I'll never tell anyone on here again they're hurting me. I can see that wasn't fair; I wasn't thinking about being fair.
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 15:46:48
In reply to Re: can't stop me from caring you knucklehead = ), posted by Scott in Vermont on August 27, 2004, at 14:49:38
Posting in this very public place was also a decision you made. In my opinion, it was a good one.
Posted by Jai Narayan on August 27, 2004, at 15:50:13
In reply to For Scott, posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 15:46:48
Susan You sound real strong and clear. I like that.
I am happy that Scott cares about about his job and the child's support. That's a good sign.
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 15:57:44
In reply to Susan great reply...., posted by Jai Narayan on August 27, 2004, at 15:50:13
I have lousy replies, and that's okay. Someday I may be doing what Scott's doing today. He doesn't like that I drew attention to his situation; but he *did* post here after all and there was a reason for that, so if I embarrassed him, oh well. Those are the risks you take here. He'll do what he does and I did what I did. I'm embarrassed sometimes too. That's life. But thanks for being supportive, that was very nice of you. I think it's important to be honest to myself no matter what anybody else thinks; they can give input and that's welcome. So I'll always sound strong, no matter how wrong I'll be later.
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 16:02:56
In reply to Re: Susan great reply...., posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 15:57:44
I'm ashamed of myself for saying that. Of course I don't know what Scott is; only Scott knows. I'm going to tape my hands together now; this is ridiculous.
Posted by Jai Narayan on August 27, 2004, at 16:58:46
In reply to Sorry, embarrassed was the wrong word., posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 16:02:56
susan there's never anything wrong with communication.
Scott and B2 have made clear statements that have grave concern for us all.
You were there for both of them. You put your caring right out there. I appreciate that. You are a deeply caring person.I thought you were great. It was a tough situation. What are you going to do?
I think being worried was right.
So one thing is: I hope you don't ever consider suicide...it's way too final and as you can see painful for us all.You did the right thing.
I am there with you.
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 17:12:07
In reply to B2 Scott (sorta from Shadows.....by way of Emmy), posted by tofuemmy on August 27, 2004, at 6:25:03
Posted by tofuemmy on August 27, 2004, at 17:47:58
In reply to Tofuemmy your words on this thread are beautiful. (nm), posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 17:12:07
Those are the words of Shadows...she's the writer here! I just copy/paste very, very, well. :-)
Posted by Angela2 on August 27, 2004, at 18:26:49
In reply to Re: SiV, posted by B2chica on August 26, 2004, at 16:55:32
B2Chica,
You are not a loser! I love you!! The pain you are going through sounds so dark and stomach grinding. I am not a doctor or a psychologist, so I don't know what to say to make you get better but I know that you can get some help from a trained professional. I hope you will be ok soon!!!
Posted by gardenergirl on August 27, 2004, at 18:41:30
In reply to Re: Susan47 please read » zenhussy, posted by Scott in Vermont on August 27, 2004, at 13:50:02
> ZH,
>
> I'm impressed. That was an incredible post. Everyone should read it.Ditto!
gg
Posted by Atticus on August 27, 2004, at 20:44:21
In reply to Re: SiV, posted by B2chica on August 26, 2004, at 16:55:32
B2c,
I'm not going to preach; I know that's the last thing you and Scott want, and it's not really my style anyway. I'd just like you both to know that I'm a survivor of a suicide attempt that I made this past spring. I couldn't think of a single reason, that day, why I should go through the pain of waking up to face another sunrise. So I'll just say this: if either of you is at all interested in communicating, please let me know. I'm not pretending to have any special insights -- just some nasty scars and the desire to talk, about anything, if either of you wants to. I've been in the abyss myself, and you're right, it's a terrible place to find yourself. Give me a try. Atticus
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 21:54:20
In reply to Re: Tofuemmy your words .....nuh uh..not me! » Susan47, posted by tofuemmy on August 27, 2004, at 17:47:58
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 21:55:35
In reply to Re: Susan47 please read, posted by gardenergirl on August 27, 2004, at 18:41:30
I did read it gg. Is there something I missed?
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 28, 2004, at 1:06:41
In reply to B2, posted by Scott in Vermont on August 26, 2004, at 15:42:35
I am coming in on the last part of this thread. Been dealing with major dysfunction lately, so I apoligize for not replying sooner.
What is this about calling the self a looser? Nobody is a loser. They (Shadows) may not do great at certain things, but that doesn't make them a looser. Is a person with MPD or schziophrenia a looser? No. Is a person with diabetes or high blood pressure a loose? No. (Shadows, what the heck is a loose person? Hey, is it Looser or loser? Where is the grammar/speller master? He got ticked with you about awhile back, Shadows. DARN IT!!!)
There are times when we feel like throwing in the towel on something, but that just means we give up. That doesn't mean, "we are loosers". God doesn't make loosers and God didn't make a mistake either. (Personally, I think I made 100's in this post) This life is an adventure and at times it feels like torture. But, if we shut it all down now, what happens tomorrow. When you get to the point of not caring and giving up - that may actually be a surrender to the process of something. When things get to be to much, sometimes we just need to float and stop fighting in the water. Am I making any sense? I hope I don't sound preachy.
"Shadows, you sounded very very preachy to me." Okay, I will shut up and float on some Epsom salts and listen to some Mozart. "Good idea, Shadows. I will make some punch flavored crystal light."..... HEY! WHAT'S IN THIS CRYSTAL LIGHT? "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 28, 2004, at 1:10:13
In reply to Shadows what you said was beautiful. (nm), posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 21:54:20
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 28, 2004, at 1:51:21
In reply to B2, posted by Scott in Vermont on August 26, 2004, at 15:42:35
In your post, there is a clear cut message sent. I want my old life to end. But, the log truck thing is called suicide by proxy. Also, the poor guy driving the truck would have to live with years of guilt of killing someone. He himself may contemplate suicide. His family would feel the effects.
The fact remains. Your actions will effect others. You think you don't matter. That is far from the truth. If you raise that shot gun, you might as well shot it through the heart of everyone that loves you, Scott. It's the truth. You will just shift your pains onto someone else. Is that what you want? Is that the answer? You may say, "Shadow, I don't have anyone that loves or cares about me." I know one person that should and that's you, Scott. You are getting your world in order that's great. Why not enjoy it? Start eating. Stop hurting yourself by not eating and not taking medications when needed. Forget the books, Scott. They will not tell you how to love yourself. You have to learn how to do it. How you may ask? Treat yourself as a child that you love with all your heart. Get out pictures of when you were 4. Look into the eyes of that kid. That's who you are going to put a bullet into. Is that fair? No. Heck No. That's abuse. How would the parents feel? The grandparents? We are all connected, Scott. What you do affects me and what I do affects you. This is about accepting you are lovable with a diagnosis and with pain.
IT'S NOT OVER SCOTT. UNLESS YOU SAY IT IS. IF YOU TAKE THAT STEP TO HARM YOURSELF, YOU ARE PUTTING A BULLET INTO GENERATIONS OF THOSE WHO LOVE YOU. WE ARE ALL BROTHERS AND SISTERS. MY BROTHER, DON'T KILL YOURSELF. IF YOU DO, YOU PUT A BULLET IN MY (YOUR SISTER'S) HEART.
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 28, 2004, at 2:14:44
In reply to Re: SiV, posted by B2chica on August 26, 2004, at 16:55:32
"Scott, help me. i AM crying for help..i have been crying...SCREAMING all my life and NO ONE LISTENS!!!!!!! NO ONE! what's wrong with me that they can't hear me. WHY?"
I hear you loud and clear, B2. There is nothing wrong with you. Again, I repeat (gently) there is nothing wrong with you. You are perfect just they way you are. You don't need to be changed. If you could go into a place deep within your being past the physical, the spiritual would speak to you very clearly, "There is nothing you can do to keep me from loving you, B2". You would say, BUT i ________, ________ OR _________, ___________. The spirit says, Okay, so? That's not who you are, B2. Those are behaviors. They aren't you. Imagine what would your spirit be like and look like without this physical body? All this body is a means of walking on this Earth. There is no such things as winners and losers that's just the physical mind talking babble there. What would the spirit say? - "I love you, B2, no matter what you do. I will never leave you, B2"
P.S. I don't know any *perfect* parents. Do you, B2? hmmmmmm (Shadows is looking in the yellow pages for perfect parent listing and still looking and still looking........)
Posted by Jai Narayan on August 28, 2004, at 6:34:18
In reply to To: B2, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 28, 2004, at 2:14:44
B2 you seemed to have dissapeared.
Please write something to this site.
It would be good to hear from you.
I know yesterday was intense.
please check in.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 28, 2004, at 10:14:13
In reply to Re: Susan47 please read:gg, posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 21:55:35
> I did read it gg. Is there something I missed?
Sorry, I didn't change the subject line. I was just agreeing with Scott that zen's post was great.
Take care,
gg
Posted by daisym on August 29, 2004, at 2:03:12
In reply to Re: Susan47 please read:gg » Susan47, posted by gardenergirl on August 28, 2004, at 10:14:13
Dropping in here to say that I think B2 only posts from work and she might not get back here until Monday. I don't mean to speak for her, but I hear the worry.
I'm impressed with how much you are all able to give. Babble is a special place.
Posted by B2chica on August 30, 2004, at 10:05:08
In reply to B2 posts from work, I think, posted by daisym on August 29, 2004, at 2:03:12
thanx daisyM. yes i do post from work thank for letting them know. i don't want people to get worked up over me.
I remember you've helped me much in the past. thank you once more.
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