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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by PhoenixGirl on August 26, 2004, at 23:06:27
I'm in an age-old predicament, but I don't know how to handle it. I'm in love with a man, but he doesn't know how he feels about me. Which is understandable, since we've known each other for only 1 month. We fool around and we can have intimate talks about emotion. But...he recently told me that he feels overwhelmed by our relationship and wants to back off. We had been planning to have sex, but not he says he is not ready to have sex with me.
I wanted the sex so much, for the feeling of being loved at least as much as for the physical gratification. He is sensitive, he is a good listener, he is an artist, he is affectionate. He's beautiful. But he's troubled, with a dark past. He said he feels like there's something wrong with his life right now, and needs his space. I am in love with him, and I want to spend lots of time with him. That presents a conflict. I want to explore our emotions, make love, and experience the joys of life together. I could kiss him and hold him forever. I feel that inexplicable "something" that I can only describe as love. It started from the first time we met.
I'm devastated, because he said he wants to slow down and cool off our relationship. The wise part of my mind says that this is a good idea....We should build more of a relationship before having sex.
He said he doesn't know how he feels about me....Which makes sense, because we've known each other for only about a month. But I've been bitten by the mysterious love bug. When he told me he wants us to spend less time together (but that he's not "going anywhere" and still wants to see me), my heart was crushed. I love the way he hold me, and how sensitive and artistic and unique he is. I want to kiss him and make love with him.
What should I do? I did suggest that we do some non-sexual things together, like going to the zoo or a park. I would really like to hear you guys' feedback. My experience with romantic relationships is very limited, and I'm still learning.Lovestruck,
Phoenixgirl
Posted by sb417 on August 27, 2004, at 0:42:29
In reply to I love a man who doesn't love me., posted by PhoenixGirl on August 26, 2004, at 23:06:27
This reminds me of the advice a former therapist once gave to me about a man I was in love with. The therapist said, "He's telling you who he is. BELIEVE HIM!" Often, we are not lucky enough to have the other person tell us how he honestly feels. Assuming he is being honest with you -- or, as honest with you as he is with himself -- be grateful for that. It would be much more devastating if he told you how much he loved you just so that he could lure you into bed, and then abandoned you. It sounds as if things are going too fast, and he knows himself well enough to slow down. Or, perhaps he isn't interested, but he doesn't want to put it quite that bluntly. If you force the issue, chances are that the relationship won't last, but it may not last anyway. That other person is not who we want him to be; he is who he is. You are not in the same place right now in terms of your needs, and you may never be. You said he has a "dark past," but you did not elaborate. If his past is that dark, and if he hasn't resolved those dark issues, you may end up getting deeply hurt -- or worse. Whatever you do, don't fall into the trap of thinking that all he needs to heal the wounds of his dark past is your love. However banal this may sound, "if it's meant to be, it will be." If it's not meant to be, don't try to force it. It's best to put your energy into a relationship with someone who is emotionally capable of being in one. A few years ago, I looked through that bestseller "The Rules." Some of the book was awful, but some of it made a lot of sense. If you can find a copy, I think it's worth skimming. The gist of the book is that if a man is interested in you, he'll call you, he'll invite you out. You won't have to force yourself on him. If a man is interested in you, you won't have to sit by the phone and pine and sigh, waiting for a phone call that may never come. If a man is interested in you, you'll know it. If he's not interested, don't waste your time. Move on, and find someone who is interested.
Posted by sb417 on August 27, 2004, at 0:48:25
In reply to Re: I love a man who doesn't love me. » PhoenixGirl, posted by sb417 on August 27, 2004, at 0:42:29
For some reason, the link I provided is accessing another title. The authors of the book are Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider.
Posted by tabitha on August 27, 2004, at 1:12:33
In reply to The above Amazon link isn't working, posted by sb417 on August 27, 2004, at 0:48:25
that book gave me quite a wake-up too. "If he doesn't call, he's not that interested". Boy I wasted lots of time not knowing (or not wanting to accept) that little bit of wisdom.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on August 27, 2004, at 8:39:47
In reply to I love a man who doesn't love me., posted by PhoenixGirl on August 26, 2004, at 23:06:27
Phoenix,
Sounds like you are INFATUATED, not in love. This guy also sounds like trouble. I too have always been drawn to men with "dark pasts" and take it from me, they never work. They are exciting and thrilling at first, but in the long run, all they cause is heartbreak. But I know the sex is heard to give up!
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 9:52:57
In reply to Re: I love a man who doesn't love me. » PhoenixGirl, posted by sb417 on August 27, 2004, at 0:42:29
Phoenixgirl:
SB417 wrote this, pay attention: "That other person is not who we want him to be; he is who he is."
SB417 is a very wise one. That's really good insight and true true true. His or her therapist was right when he said "BELIEVE HIM". I don't know how many of us waste energy wanting someone to fill our romantic and sexual needs when they're just not able to. What if you slept with him and it turns out he's cold afterwards? I mean how would that make you feel, and react? Wouldn't it be worse than this?
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 9:58:49
In reply to Re: I love a man who doesn't love me. » PhoenixGirl, posted by sb417 on August 27, 2004, at 0:42:29
This is the right link I think, but I don't know how to post the title and make it a click.
In any case, copy this into your address window and it'll take you there.
I read this book about 15 years ago. It was helpful.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/search-handle-form/103-3170161-0604645
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 10:01:17
In reply to The Rules:sb417, posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 9:58:49
It worked for me when I followed your link to the wrong book, then searched the site for "The Rules", so that's another way of finding it. Sorry. Don't know what that's all about.
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 10:03:15
In reply to Re: I love a man who doesn't love me., posted by Miss Honeychurch on August 27, 2004, at 8:39:47
I hope you don't mind my jumping in but you mentioned sex, which has been on my mind quite a lot in the last several months. Ew. The best sex I ever had was with a bad boy whose favourite line was, "It much better to give than receive". I'll never forget him. But he was a bad boy.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on August 27, 2004, at 13:04:36
In reply to Sex:Miss Honeychurch, posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 10:03:15
Sex with badboys is sometimes good, but I have found they are very selfish lovers. I thought they were great until I first had sex with my husband who was the first "good boy" I dated and the sex was an epiphany! He actually cared if I had an orgasm! He let me have one first!
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 15:49:07
In reply to Re: Sex:Miss Honeychurch » Susan47, posted by Miss Honeychurch on August 27, 2004, at 13:04:36
That's what this badboy did; let me have the first orgasm. In life he was a jerk, in bed he was fantastic. But he only had the one chance. I figure them out pretty quick.
Posted by sb417 on August 28, 2004, at 23:37:55
In reply to Re: try this book link, posted by tabitha on August 27, 2004, at 1:12:33
> "The Rules: Mr Right">
> that book gave me quite a wake-up too. "If he doesn't call, he's not that interested". Boy I wasted lots of time not knowing (or not wanting to accept) that little bit of wisdom.Tabitha, thanks for the correction. And I prefer the way you worded the admonition: "If he doesn't call, he's not that interested." Yes, I wasted a lot of time, too.
Posted by sb417 on August 28, 2004, at 23:42:40
In reply to Re: I love a man who doesn't love me., posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 9:52:57
Hi Susan. Thanks for the compliment. Actually, I'm not that wise. The very little bit of wisdom I have has come from learning the hard way, over and over again, and from lots of therapy.
This is the end of the thread.
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