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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by partlycloudy on August 9, 2004, at 9:23:17
I have had a rough couple of weeks of increased anxiety, panic, and depression. Part of it is due to a series of lay-offs at work - I'm not worried about my position, but a general feeling of insecurity is rotting my stomach and giving me headaches. The slightest disruption in my day-to-day activity is making me cry, and we are preparing to go on a quick vacation to England on Saturday.
I scared stiff of "losing it" while I'm over there. I'll be do the driving, which I'm fine with, having done it for years; but I don't want to ruin this trip for my husband. As it is, he's bewildered by my setbacks lately. I don't want to be a wet blanket, and I want to have fun. Why do I have such a feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach?
What can I do to shore up my psyche so it's an enjoyable week?? (I'm OK about flying, it's crying and panicking in public that's I'm freaking out about.)
Posted by Dinah on August 9, 2004, at 9:48:43
In reply to Scared to go on vacation, posted by partlycloudy on August 9, 2004, at 9:23:17
I find that when I leave the city I work in, that work troubles seem to become as distant emotionally as they are physically. Are you blessed with the same quirk of brain wiring? If so, you might feel a whole lot better once that plane takes off and there is so much to do that work amnesia takes place.
Can you squeeze in a last minute EMDR session geared specifically to this, since it has worked so well for you?
Congratulations on your vacation! We so enjoyed our trip to the UK that we are looking forward to going back. Probably not for years and years, unfortunately. MMmmmm... The desserts in England. Yummmmm....
Posted by TexasChic on August 9, 2004, at 9:49:48
In reply to Scared to go on vacation, posted by partlycloudy on August 9, 2004, at 9:23:17
Wow! England! How cool! I know how it is though. The slightest change in my routine causes me to freak out. I wish I had a solution, but I'm still trying to figure out that one myself. Maybe if you take a Xanax ahead of time, just to ward off any impending attacks. Also, have you told your husband you're worried about having an attack in public? It may help to know he understands and is there for you when the time comes. I hope you have a great time. Try not to worry about what 'might' happen. We have enough without worrying about something that hasn't even happened yet! But I do it too so don't feel alone.
Posted by partlycloudy on August 9, 2004, at 10:11:10
In reply to Re: Scared to go on vacation » partlycloudy, posted by Dinah on August 9, 2004, at 9:48:43
That's a good idea about the EMDR. Right now I feel like I'm right back where I started, although I really do know I'm better. Maybe I can check my brain in when I check my luggage??
Posted by gardenergirl on August 9, 2004, at 10:31:30
In reply to Re: Scared to go on vacation » Dinah, posted by partlycloudy on August 9, 2004, at 10:11:10
PC,
Wow, England...I'm jealous! I've always wanted to go, but my husband and his family have been there twice, I believe, and he is not interested in going back before he goes other unnamed places. Even just going to Florida over the holidays this past year was kind of rough on my depression. Although now that I think about it, not only was I away from my T for about 3 weeks, I had my mom around, which is unusual for me in Florida. Hmmm, have to think some more about this.
But anyway, even good stress is stressful. How about if you and your husband come up with a code word that you can use when/if you feel on the verge of an attack. Then you can plan in advance what you will do in that case.
And I think Dinah's idea of another EMDR session is great. Also, don't forget the meditating. That seems to work well for you.
I hope you have a marvelous time. We'll miss you here, of course. Here's hoping the weather is partly sunny or even fair!
Take care,
gg
Posted by partlycloudy on August 9, 2004, at 11:45:38
In reply to Re: Scared to go on vacation, posted by gardenergirl on August 9, 2004, at 10:31:30
Right now I don't think I can even call to make an EMDR appointment, I am so strung out. If I think about the trip, I immediately start crying. My husband called to see how I was feeling and I couldn't even answer him.
When I was a kid I would get so worked up about going on a trip - happy, excited, ready to leave - that I'd puke before we even left the house. This just feels like the grown up version, but without the happy part.
I have so much history in England, so very bittersweet. I'll be visiting my uncle who lives in Wales. I wrote that we'd be coming 3 months ago, and yesterday my mom called to say that their reply letter had been returned because they had my wrong address. That made me cry - why on earth?? What am I so overwrought about?
I lived over there for 7 years, near Manchester. I am familiar with many places there - we did a lot of exploring. I left under dreadful conditions. Deported because my now ex was laid off, but he wouldn't accept the relocation package. I thought it was just because he wanted to stay in this new country we loved so much, but it turned out that it was because he had defaulted on our mortgage on the house in the states without telling me.
So when we were at Heathrow, flying over so he could interview there since he couldn't find anything long term in England, immigration informed us we couldn't ever return. I became quite hysterical. My ex became enraged with me. We finally were allowed back in for a 2 week period to put our UK house on the market and sort everything out to move back.
The job he got when we went back to the states resulted in him being fired after 3 weeks. It took him 7 weeks to tell me. He'd leave the apartment in the morning and come back at the end of the day.
At the end of the first year, we filed our taxes (jointly, as always) and his paycheck (from another new job) was seized by both the federal and state governments. I didn't know until the rent check bounced. Turned out that he hadn't filed any tax returns for the entire time we lived abroad. He had all the U.S. paperwork sent to him at work. He didn't open any of it, just stuffed it in his sock drawer and told me nothing.
I am allowed back in to England as a tourist but can't ever reside there again. My 18 year marriage disintigrated in more lies and I have moved on. Got a divorce. Met my present, fantastic, supportive husband and we've been married for 2 years.
I have such mixed feelings going to England on vacation. It's where my dad was born and grew up. It's where my mom's family was relocated to after WW2. It's my heritage, and it't got this stain of shame that I can't erase.
Getting it out like this is cathartic and is actually helping me calm down. I did spend my last EMDR session on this very subject and trip, but I must have let my guard down to have become so upset again.
I should be happy and excited at the chance to show off my former stomping grounds to my husband. Instead I'm sad all over again. It still hurts, after 8 years.
Posted by JenStar on August 9, 2004, at 11:51:35
In reply to Scared to go on vacation, posted by partlycloudy on August 9, 2004, at 9:23:17
hi partlycloudy,
for me, it works to have a bottle of Xanax handy. When I get that feeling of impending panic on a trip, I take one in private (bathroom) and force myself to breath deeply and focus. It helps. Sometimes just knowing I HAVE the Xanax is enough to help me avert panic attacks. Why that works, I'm not sure, but for me it does.I made the HUGE mistake of not telling my husband that I was panicky and scared during oen of our last trips, and I had some frankly horrible moments 'by myself' in bed at night and in the bathroom and even walking down the street hand in hand. We had two different vacations. He had fun, I worked the entire time to check myself from terror because I didn't want to upset his vacation. Of course that was before I went on Lexapro. And before I felt that it was OK to take Xanax when needed.
The NEXT time we took a trip, I was much more honest with him and he was so supportive. One time I told him I was feeling panicky and he sat down with me on a bench and held my hand and patted my back and got me water to drink until I felt normal again. It was sweet, and knowing he was there to help kept me mostly panick-free on the trip! It was amazing how much that helped!
So...long story short...I'd really recommend having a frank talk with your hubby and bringing your security blanket (whether it be Xanax, aspirin, paper bag, or whatever) and keeping it in purse at all times!
JenStar
PS - you are brave to drive on the other side of the road! I admire you!
Posted by JenStar on August 9, 2004, at 11:56:20
In reply to Re: Scared to go on vacation, posted by partlycloudy on August 9, 2004, at 11:45:38
Oh wow. This sounds like much more than a simple case of travel nerves. I feel embarrassed now that I gave previous advice to take Xanax with - duuh!
To me it sounds like this is not a vacation trip; it's more of a life-changing plumbing-the-depths-of-the-psyche trip. This is no 3 days in the Bahamas to relax on the beach. The amount of compex history in this place is incredible!
Does your hubby understand the extent of your feelings about England and everything it represents? Would he be OK going, knowing it might not be a fun/relaxing trip but more of a hard work/mental "work" trip? If you're both on the same page about what to expect when there, maybe you'd feel more relaxed, knowing that he's not anticipating something very different from what you are anticipating.
If worst comes down to it, can you cancel the trip or go someplace else?
I hope this trip goes well. I hope you end up having fun despite the history of pain.
JenStar
Posted by partlycloudy on August 9, 2004, at 12:19:25
In reply to Re: Scared to go on vacation, posted by JenStar on August 9, 2004, at 11:56:20
Mu husband knows my history in England, but he can't comprehend my mixed feelings. He refers to this trip as "my" vacation, where the destinations are "mine". I know he's apprehensive about me not being able to enjoy it, even though we planned the entire trip for that very reason. We are not visiting where I lived or worked on purpose.
I am hoping for the best possible outcome. Thanks for your kind response.
Posted by TexasChic on August 9, 2004, at 12:29:35
In reply to Re: Scared to go on vacation, posted by JenStar on August 9, 2004, at 11:56:20
You poor thing PC! But the history is not your fault! Its your ex's! Don't take on the guilt for his wrong doings. And I agree with Jen about sharing with your husband. Let him know this will be difficult and that his support will help you get past this. And once that happens, maybe you can enjoy the trip! I really hope you do. Your ex and his actions don't deserve to still have this much power over your life. Take that power back! These things were not your fault. You may have to live with the consequences, but you don't have to live with the guilt. Its not yours, let it go.
Posted by Dinah on August 9, 2004, at 13:06:45
In reply to Re: Scared to go on vacation, posted by partlycloudy on August 9, 2004, at 11:45:38
Hmmmm... That is a complex history and I perfectly understand how you would be feeling a lot of conflicting and ambiguous feelings. It's good that you were careful in planning the trip so as to minimize triggers.
It sounds as if you've put a lot of work into making the trip as pleasant as possible. Your husband is aware of your history. Remember your breathing techniques. And as someone else said, none of this was your fault, although I can see how it might bring up bad memories.
Good luck, PC. I think you have a lot of strength that you'll be able to rely on, and your wonderful husband. And the knowledge that this *is* part of your heritage. I know I really enjoyed that part of the trip. Visiting some of the places my family had lived and feeling that connection to the past.
Posted by JenStar on August 9, 2004, at 14:25:59
In reply to Re: Scared to go on vacation » JenStar, posted by partlycloudy on August 9, 2004, at 12:19:25
Again, I hope the trip does well!
On a lighter note, I was in England once for 3 days and I loved it. My co-workers & I tried lots of beers and also could not resist ordering a dessert called "Spotted Dick" just because of the name. Being the puerile people that we are, we giggled surreptitiously for a long time about this dessert....
When you come back, I hope you can tell us some of the favorite things you ate & drank while there. I'd also love to hear about the visit to Wales. That sounds fascinating.
JenStar
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