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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Wildflower on May 28, 2004, at 9:06:28
I went out to dinner/drinks with my ex. This is the same guy who I swore I'd never see again after *dating* him off and on for three years. He bordered being verbally abusive with me and was a tad controlling.
I couldn't sleep all night because of the flood of emotions I was feeling. Love, hate, confusion, etc. Also, what possessed me to see him? What on earth is my problem?
The worst part is that I went to meet him immediatly following a session with my T. She repeatedly asked me if I was OK with seeing him but she never tried to stop me. I really wish she would have.
If I didn't drink last night, I would've taken a trazodone. At least I wouldn't be irritable this morning from lack of sleep.
I just feel like crying...
Posted by tootercat on May 28, 2004, at 9:52:17
In reply to I did something very bad last night..., posted by Wildflower on May 28, 2004, at 9:06:28
Wildflower,
First of all.....STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP! Otherwise you are being verbally abusive to yourself. We all want to love and be loved and sometimes we do unwise things in order to fulfill our needs. The best thing you can do is to be aware of how this date made you feel and learn from it and by all means be honest and share those feelings with your T. As long as it was not an obvious threat to your "being" it is not her job to "stop" you from doing anything. When we put the onus of a decision on other people it just makes us a victim. Take responsibilty for yourself and your actions and you will be more "in charge" of what happens in your life. But again don't berate yourself when you aren't happy with your choice. Today is a new day and you are given another 24 hours to experience being human.
Mucho hugs,
Tooter
Posted by Wildflower on May 28, 2004, at 10:56:21
In reply to Re: I did something very bad last night... » Wildflower, posted by tootercat on May 28, 2004, at 9:52:17
Thanks Tootercat.
I'd love to stop beating myself up but I can't help but thinking that I've reopened Pandora's Box after I spent so much time sealing it shut.
Although it's a new day today, I have a feeling that last night was not the last encounter I'm going to have with him. :-(
Posted by B2chica on May 28, 2004, at 14:54:31
In reply to Re: I did something very bad last night... » tootercat, posted by Wildflower on May 28, 2004, at 10:56:21
sorry, gotta add my 2c worth here.
Please Wildflower, don't beat yourself up about this, tootercat is exactly right.
Believe me when i say i understand dealing with an abusive ex. and I know all to well about accidentaly getting unwanted (one-sided)fires started again. But i can now say Even if you DID "reopen Pandora's Box" it's not too late to shut it. You only went out once.
Just remember, YOU decide if it's the last encounter or not. If you absolutely DO NOT want anything to do with him then don't make contact with him and if he calls or comes over (don't let him in!) Do tell him that going out was misleading and was a mistake. That you don't want to rekindle a relationship...(add own words here...)
Be succinct and to the point...DON"T apologize for ANYTHING (i'm sorry if i hurt your feelings...etc.) this leaves a Wide open space for him to start old verbal tricks. My ex was the MASTER at guilting me back...i still Hate him for that but i think it's cuz i Hate myself more for allowing it to happen.Remember we're here to offer support...turn that :-( back to :-)
JMHO
B2c.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on May 28, 2004, at 15:27:44
In reply to Re: I did something very bad last night..., posted by B2chica on May 28, 2004, at 14:54:31
PLease dn't beat yourself up about this. We are all human and fall from grace every once in awhile! I've done it many times. Before therapy, I would have beaten myself up about it for weeks, causing depression. Now, I just pick myself up and dust myself off and start all over.
Everyone makes mistakes!
Posted by Wildflower on May 29, 2004, at 11:30:46
In reply to Re: I did something very bad last night..., posted by B2chica on May 28, 2004, at 14:54:31
But i can now say Even if you DID "reopen Pandora's Box" it's not too late to shut it. You only went out once.
>>>After beating myself up all day yesterday, I went out with him again last night and we ended up sleeping together. He had to leave to head somewhere last night and promised to call when he was done. I never heard from him. Why do I keep setting myself up to be hurt?
My ex was the MASTER at guilting me back...i still Hate him for that but i think it's cuz i Hate myself more for allowing it to happen.
>>>The master, huh? Maybe we both dated the same creep. I, too, hate myself for allowing things to happen.
Posted by B2chica on May 29, 2004, at 14:13:35
In reply to Re: I did it again... » B2chica, posted by Wildflower on May 29, 2004, at 11:30:46
> >>>After beating myself up all day yesterday, I went out with him again last night and we ended up sleeping together. He had to leave to head somewhere last night and promised to call when he was done. I never heard from him. Why do I keep setting myself up to be hurt?
Wildflower, I don't think you were setting yourself up...maybe you just needed comfort...even though it was an unhealthy relationship it was still a comfortzone -at least that's my experience...that's why i Contiually went back to a known abusive person. Even though i was miserable, alone, sad and scared when we were together, it's like that's all i really knew and felt that's all i deserved, so...i would go back.
The difference now is time and experience, and luck that i'm married to a Wonderful man-which i still at times don't believe i deserve.Things will turn around for you, and "YOU make it happen".
What's done is done, don't regret it, and Certainly don't shame yourself for it,You need to just hold your chin up high and take it for what it was. One night. (hopefully at least satisfactory sex??)
> >>>The master, huh? Maybe we both dated the same creep. I, too, hate myself for allowing things to happen.
But it's over. Please remember that. Don't get caught in that trap...i think you know what i mean. Sometimes it's like i'm back there and stuck, and scared...i forget it's over. If you let yourself go back there all those old insecurities, and self-degredation could come back.
Keep yourself focused on the here and now!
We love you!
We're behind you!
You Deserve Better!!!!!!!
B2c.
Posted by shadows721 on May 29, 2004, at 17:36:38
In reply to I did something very bad last night..., posted by Wildflower on May 28, 2004, at 9:06:28
I had a relationship like that, but they guy was also physically abusive. I found that it was more of an addiction than real love. I had to replace this guy and stay physically away from him. All he was to my subconscious was a carbon copy replay of unresolved pain from my childhood. Some how, the subconscious thinks that I could get that love that I didn't get from another loser. Nope again.
You've got to protect yourself sometimes from yourself. It seems the mind really likes to just reinact past hurts with other people. Look at the traits of this guy and look of the traits of the people that raised you. You may find a similiarity. If not, there maybe a blind spot that will continue to play out in future relationships.
This is the end of the thread.
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