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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Sebastian on May 21, 2004, at 17:32:46
I'm a 28 year old guy in great shape who hasn't had sex in 3 years!!!
Not since my last girlfriend. I was fat and insecure up untill last year when I lost a lot of weight. I use to go to and dance clubs/bars to meet women. I havn't done that since I moved here 6 years ago. I want to blame my meds, myself, my last girlfreind. I try to get the nirve up to go out on weekends, but never can do it. Wish I knew where to go. Feel as if I'm too old to do that. All my freinds here are married. I don't trust myself to drink. Maybe I will get bad moods, or have an accident, car beat up. I've never been real good at picking up women except at the dance clubs back in Cananda. Now I'm in the US. I look at myself and see everything wrong. Don't know how to even talk to women anymore, I'm always shy and insecure, ignore the ones I'm interested in, why? I can tell they are interested, but I always ignore them, why? I NEED help, fast!! I worry I will take advantage of a woman Is that wrong? Feel like I was to assertive in the past few times sincce I got all these mental problems. The truth is I real have not been dating at all since I got sick, back in '95. I've lost all this time, not able to make myself happy anymore.
help,
Posted by AuntieMel on May 24, 2004, at 15:41:42
In reply to I NEED major help!!!!, posted by Sebastian on May 21, 2004, at 17:32:46
If you don't mind the opinion of an old broad...
First of all, you might want to start referring to it as "meeting" not "picking up" though picking up is what is more likely to happen in American bars than Canadian.
And bars are where you might find more 'forward' women, a terrifying thing to a social phobe.
So - the question is what to do instead of a bar. There are many options. Take a class. Volunteer someplace like an animal shelter or a zoo. Look for places where you might have a common interest; that will help promote conversation.
Shyness can be a positive instead of a negative. It implies a level of vulnerability to others, which should help with trust. People are much more inclined to trust those that they don't find threatening.
As a female social phobe, I found that the best way for me to get someone interested was to do a lot of listening, adding an occasional comment to keep them going. This, for me, was also the easiest thing to do - I could listen all day but until I got to know someone would freeze when I needed to speak.
The worse thing that could happen is you would gain another friend.
As for the fear of taking advantage - that is a well grounded fear. There might be some that you run into that are happy with a one-nighter, but for the most part I think it is probably a bad idea. Two things to ask yourself 1) How would I feel if someone did this to me, and 2) How guilty about this will I feel later. Often, depressives don't need anything extra to feel guilty about.
Posted by Sebastian on May 24, 2004, at 23:14:28
In reply to Re: I NEED major help!!!!, posted by AuntieMel on May 24, 2004, at 15:41:42
I have a gym membership that I use a lot. Unfortunatly I'm too shy to even talk to the women. I almost feel like I avoid them. But I don't want to. Ahh!...
Posted by Sebastian on May 24, 2004, at 23:20:54
In reply to Re: I NEED major help!!!!, posted by AuntieMel on May 24, 2004, at 15:41:42
Maybe I need to go somewhere I can meet some shy depressed social phobes? Where do I do that? They need to look good though.
Posted by husschick on May 25, 2004, at 12:33:09
In reply to Re: I NEED major help!!!! » AuntieMel, posted by Sebastian on May 24, 2004, at 23:20:54
hi, mabye you need to work on yourself before trying to find a mate. You seem very insecure so my suggestion is building your self esteem. Women like men who are not always down on them selves. good luck
Posted by Ilene on May 25, 2004, at 20:38:34
In reply to I NEED major help!!!!, posted by Sebastian on May 21, 2004, at 17:32:46
Someone else posted this site a few days ago:
Posted by Dr. Bob on May 25, 2004, at 23:23:52
In reply to Re: I NEED major help!!!! » AuntieMel, posted by Sebastian on May 24, 2004, at 23:20:54
> Maybe I need to go somewhere I can meet some shy depressed social phobes? Where do I do that?
Hmm, what if there were a board here for people who wanted to meet in person? A dating board has come up before, for example, see:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20011216/msgs/2924.html
But this could be more general and include meeting that wasn't dating...
Bob
Posted by AuntieMel on May 26, 2004, at 11:46:57
In reply to Re: I NEED major help!!!! » AuntieMel, posted by Sebastian on May 24, 2004, at 23:14:28
I think Huss is right, in that everyone (mental "illnesses" aside) should work on themselves and their priorities before looking for a mate.
If she "has to look good" you might want to ask yourself why. Just what do you really want in a girl? My most successful relationships (and a marriage that is 22 years and still going) had friendship first, and later developed into more.
As for being too shy, start out slow. Just a smile and a "hello" might get a good response. You certainly don't want to look like you are desparate - red flag! Think of it as being friendly and if more works out, then that could be good. If not, at least you won't feel humiliated.
And if she says "hello" back, but turns out to be otherwise attached, don't go running off like a dog in heat - she may have a friend.
Posted by Sebastian on May 26, 2004, at 19:30:40
In reply to Re: meeting others, posted by Dr. Bob on May 25, 2004, at 23:23:52
Sounds great!
Posted by Sebastian on May 26, 2004, at 19:36:01
In reply to Re: I NEED major help!!!!, posted by AuntieMel on May 26, 2004, at 11:46:57
Thanks, I realy don't feel like I understand women at all lately. Just kind of lonly
Posted by Sebastian on May 26, 2004, at 19:45:59
In reply to Re: I NEED major help!!!!, posted by AuntieMel on May 26, 2004, at 11:46:57
Its just that I feel like I'm wasting my whole life sorting out problems. It's taking so long to do. I've spent the more part of the last 7 years working out problems. Its annoying and killing my personal life. It consums me. I just want to live a normal life again.
Posted by Angel Girl on May 27, 2004, at 22:02:48
In reply to Re: I NEED major help!!!! » AuntieMel, posted by Sebastian on May 24, 2004, at 23:20:54
> Maybe I need to go somewhere I can meet some shy depressed social phobes? Where do I do that? They need to look good though.
I was going to say I qualified until you said that they had to be good looking.Angel Girl (shy depressed social phobe)
Posted by Sebastian on May 28, 2004, at 12:04:59
In reply to Re: I NEED major help!!!! » Sebastian, posted by Angel Girl on May 27, 2004, at 22:02:48
How do you know your not good looking, I haven't seen you yet?
This is the end of the thread.
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