![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rainyday on March 29, 2004, at 8:15:08
I am changing my meds from buspar and affexor to wellbutrin. Aside from the transitional effects which were devasting, it has left me with a lingering "blueness". When I am really down my self esteem disappears. It creeps back as the depression recedes.
My question: when I am in the dumps, I realize many issues in my past have apparently leave me incapable of truly belieivng I am (smart, well read, maybe pretty, deserving of love)- all of these things. The depression is chemically treated - but aren't all those issues lurking, waiting for the next crash?
I am a bit blue today. I can still see and feel how down on myself I was last week. In my heart of hearts, I also believe that
I'm not worthy
I'm not smart
I'm not capable
I'm not pretty
I'll never lose the weight I gained on these meds
and, worst of allI am going to turn into my mother
Do you think that depression forces us to deal with our real character weaknesses, or is it just a manifestation of the sickness of depression?
Any and all thoughts are appreciated. I am seeing both my p-doc (tomorrow) and my T (the next day) this week. I want to be well armed for facing the Real Issues.
Thanks so much,
rainyday
Posted by justyourlaugh on March 29, 2004, at 8:30:30
In reply to Is a little bit depressed good for you? (Long), posted by rainyday on March 29, 2004, at 8:15:08
rainy,
i try everyday not to be my mother..
for me i need to give myself permission to feel possitive about myself because i didnt get them from my mother who claimed to be my "best friend".
rainy ,
you already are all the wonderful things you want to be..
be good to yourself and feel them too..
jyl
Posted by rainyday on March 29, 2004, at 8:40:13
In reply to Re: Is a little bit depressed good for you? (Long), posted by justyourlaugh on March 29, 2004, at 8:30:30
> rainy,
> i try everyday not to be my mother..
> for me i need to give myself permission to feel possitive about myself because i didnt get them from my mother who claimed to be my "best friend".
> rainy ,
> you already are all the wonderful things you want to be..
> be good to yourself and feel them too..
> jylBut I don't believe I am worth being good to. I believe that I'm not smart and witty enough, I'm not deserving of love and admiration. I truly feel that this life I have is a sham, that I have conned my way into jobs I am underqualifed for (and then failed at), that I conned into an 18-year marriage that failed, that this depression is the "real" me, and that treating it medically just shoves it under. I am terrified that the 2 year marriage I am in now will crumble under the weight of my undeservedness. That the scales will fall from my husband's eyes eventually.
Posted by justyourlaugh on March 29, 2004, at 8:59:52
In reply to Re: Is a little bit depressed good for you?, posted by rainyday on March 29, 2004, at 8:40:13
but..
i thought depression was a chemical disorder..
i cant believe i am "depression" and i created it, anymore than i can blame myself for thyroid problems..
being medicated is not covering it up, its correcting it..
it is up to us to do what we can for a better quality of life..and to insure that illness does not take us away..
jyl
Posted by rainyday on March 29, 2004, at 9:11:25
In reply to Re: Is a little bit depressed good for you? » rainyday, posted by justyourlaugh on March 29, 2004, at 8:59:52
I thought that it was a chicken and egg thing. That you can be naturally depressed due to your life situation, but that the serentonin (or whatever it's called) gets out of balance in some people (like me) and you need to have that corrected chemically. But the underlying issues about self esteem aren't resolved by taking a pill.
Posted by Karen_kay on March 29, 2004, at 9:11:38
In reply to Is a little bit depressed good for you? (Long), posted by rainyday on March 29, 2004, at 8:15:08
You are worthy
You are intelligent
You are MORE than capable
You're beautiful
You will lose the weight (even if you don't really need to, because you ARE beautiful)AND YOU ARE NOT YOUR MOTHER
The easiest one to answer is the last. How could you be your mother? She's a different person. If you recognize that there are personality characteristics about her that you dislike, that's a wonderful step! It shows that you recognize things about her you do not want to mimic. And recognition is the first step in change, right? If you notice that you do them, take a breather (or 10) and relax. (Sorry to sound lectury dear).... But, you are not your mother. Just not possible! I fought with that for years as well.
And about your question:
This is tricky for me, being a skeptic and all. Sometimes I wrestle with the idea that maybe my perceptions are wrong. Then I realize, so what? So what if I think I'm a good person and I'm wrong? Who's that hurting? Certainly not me. And not anyone else. I think it's easier to think that you are a bad person, with bad traits. (Especially if you grow up hearing it all the time.) But personally I decided I'd had enough of that. And only wanted to think good things about myself. I may be way off of course. And I've never said that I'm always right, unless I was arguing with someone and kidding of course. And I still have those days where nothing goes right. But, on those days I honestly look in the mirror and say, "Well, at least you have pretty eyes. The world can go to he!!, but you'll still have pretty eyes." And that always makes me smile. It's hard to find things, especially when you are depressed, but they are there. Depression doesn't "point them out to you." They weren't there before. We all have "faults". I think that the joy in life is to be able to take our differences (or faults) and laugh at them. I have no boobs and am a complete clutz! But, when I fall flat on my face, I'm the first to laugh about it. And I can't spell for my life. That doesn't make me any less intelligent. I won't allow it to.
People don't have character flaws. They have differences. I think depends largely in how you look at things. I changed the way I look at things. Depression has a way of bringing people down. And it sucks. But, try to change the way you look at the characteristics you'd like to change. If you think they need changing, then try to change them. But, better yet, try to become comfortable with them. I know I'm not as intelligent as many, many posters on this board, but I don't let on like it. And it doesn't intimidate me either. I have my own sort of intelligence. We're all different in our own way dear. It's finding that difference and capitalizing on it that makes life great. Imagine how boring the world would be if we were all the same. Looked the same, talked the same, had the same IQ, behaved the same. BORING, BORING, BORING......
Ps. About being well read. I read ALL the time. And with my faulty memory, I can't remember the beginning when I get to the end (and I read a book in 2 days). How's that for a predicament? See, that just adds to my quirk! I could become frustrated, but instead I'm able to read the same book over and over again and gain enjoyment from it. Also, the same with movies. But, I'm not really able to have intelligent discussions about authors with people. It's ok, I don't need to prove my intelligence to others. Do they need to prove it to me? Nope, I know they're intelligent if they can read a book and tell me what happens when I can't remember :)
Posted by justyourlaugh on March 29, 2004, at 9:28:41
In reply to Re: Is a little bit depressed good for you? » justyourlaugh, posted by rainyday on March 29, 2004, at 9:11:25
ahhh,
but if that pill can make it easier for someone to walk out their front door, or keep the mania at bay ,or the depression from killing the sole,..
maybe one could gain esteem from being able to think and play with better perspectives..
jyl
Posted by rainyday on March 29, 2004, at 9:29:51
In reply to Re: Is a little bit depressed good for you? (Long) » rainyday, posted by Karen_kay on March 29, 2004, at 9:11:38
I guess my worry is that the only time I can feel good about myself is when the antidepressants are working. That it's a "take no notice of that man behind the curtain" thing. I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ. yeah, right.
And your book thing - forgetting the beginning by the time you get to the end. How cool! It's like Groundhog Day.
rainyday
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 29, 2004, at 10:41:23
In reply to Re: Is a little bit depressed good for you? » Karen_kay, posted by rainyday on March 29, 2004, at 9:29:51
Rainy, I completely empathize with you. Many times I feel like my whole life is a complete sham, like I am doing the biggest snow job on everyone! The part about conning your way into jobs really hit home for me. I have felt that way about every job I have ever had.
I am not on medication and My T would say that depression is caused in large parts by your thoughts (he is CBT all the way). So we have identified all of my self-defeating thinking and replaced those statements with rational ones. I know they are rational, but the problem is BELIEVING them. I can say "I need no none's appproval but my own" til the cows come home, but how do I get to the point of believing that???
I have no advice here, only that I completely empathize. Sometimes I wish I were on medication.
Posted by rainyday on March 29, 2004, at 10:53:49
In reply to Re: Is a little bit depressed good for you?, posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 29, 2004, at 10:41:23
Miss Honeychurch,
Thanks so much for your empathetic response. My T is totally CBT too, but I am also seeing a p-doc.I feel like a need a bunch of structural supports for my feelings of self worth - like crutches - until my true beliefs can stand up on their own.
Just a rainyday kind of day, I suppose.
Thanks again.
Posted by rainyday on March 29, 2004, at 12:20:17
In reply to Re: Is a little bit depressed good for you? » Miss Honeychurch, posted by rainyday on March 29, 2004, at 10:53:49
I have put in a call to my T as I seem to be sinking whereas I'd rather be treading water. Tears are just below the surface - the slightest bit of compassion and they'll fall down my face.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 29, 2004, at 12:28:41
In reply to little bit depressed, posted by rainyday on March 29, 2004, at 12:20:17
Rainy,
Do you own any Van Morrisson? I find "Bright Side of the Road" lifts me up a little. I've been playing it a lot lately.
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 29, 2004, at 12:31:17
In reply to little bit depressed, posted by rainyday on March 29, 2004, at 12:20:17
Posted by rainyday on March 29, 2004, at 12:37:52
In reply to Re: little bit depressed, posted by Miss Honeychurch on March 29, 2004, at 12:28:41
> Rainy,
>
> Do you own any Van Morrisson? I find "Bright Side of the Road" lifts me up a little. I've been playing it a lot lately.Thanks for the hugs! That's a great Van the Man tune. I'm sitting behind a desk and we play "easy listening" radio so I turn it off rather than get annoyed.
My favourite is to put on the Beatles loud while I'm going to/from work, singing along at the top of my lungs.
Seems to have an uplifting effect.
The day is starting to improve a little.
Posted by pegasus on March 29, 2004, at 14:07:07
In reply to Is a little bit depressed good for you? (Long), posted by rainyday on March 29, 2004, at 8:15:08
Hi rainyday,
I wanted to respond to the part of your post about meds. I understand where you are coming from. I went through a big agonizing before I went on antidepressants also. And when I finally went on them, it changed everything pretty drastically. I feel tons better. Really better than I ever have in my life. I haven't been really depressed in almost a year, and during that year I've accomplished so much that I'm really proud of.
So, the question is, is this the real me, or was it the real me before the meds. Well, I've decided that I don't care. This me is a lot more happy, more functional, easier to get along with, less down on myself, etc. I'm getting *a lot* more done in therapy than I used to. Why not take a medication that will help me accomplish that? I can't think of any good reason. I *feel* more authentically myself now. Maybe some day I'll be able to go off the meds and still be happy, but in the meantime, I'm so grateful for this window of opportunity. I hope that you will decide to give the meds a try, and be able to start seeing the beautiful things about yourself. It really seems worth a try to me.
- p
Posted by rainyday on March 29, 2004, at 14:38:44
In reply to Re: Is a little bit depressed good for you? (Long), posted by pegasus on March 29, 2004, at 14:07:07
Thanks, pegasus. I have been off and on antidepressants for over 5 years, and last October got dx'd as bipolar2. Quell surprise! What I find is that the lows are getting MUCH lower and I haven't (I feel) addressed the self esteem issue to it "sticks". I get better, I feel normal, I am as happy as a person with a wonderful husband, beautiful house, stress free (almost)job should be. When I'm down, I feel like the onion skin has been peeled away by the illness to show the "true" me. The self esteem really is that bad, and the drugs mask my true self.
That's how it feels, anyway.
Posted by TexasChic on March 29, 2004, at 15:57:20
In reply to Re: Is a little bit depressed good for you? (Long) » pegasus, posted by rainyday on March 29, 2004, at 14:38:44
My personal theory is that the meds help the physically induced depression (fixing the serotonin and all that). This is a physical problem that can not be willed away anymore than you can will away a broken leg. Once that's done, you are able to work on the self induced depression (low self esteem, negative thoughts, ect). The meds only help the physical problem, then its up to you. When I first got on AD's, it felt like a fog had been lifted off my brain. Suddenly I could see what my problems were without the issue being clouded. I then needed to go to therapy to address those problems.
Its all the real you, you're just doing what it takes to make it the best you possible!
Posted by rainyday on March 29, 2004, at 17:34:14
In reply to Re: Is a little bit depressed good for you?, posted by TexasChic on March 29, 2004, at 15:57:20
> My personal theory is that the meds help the physically induced depression (fixing the serotonin and all that). This is a physical problem that can not be willed away anymore than you can will away a broken leg. Once that's done, you are able to work on the self induced depression (low self esteem, negative thoughts, ect). The meds only help the physical problem, then its up to you. When I first got on AD's, it felt like a fog had been lifted off my brain. Suddenly I could see what my problems were without the issue being clouded. I then needed to go to therapy to address those problems.
> Its all the real you, you're just doing what it takes to make it the best you possible!
>OMG that is so-o-o-o-o-o succinct! I feel better now than I did earlier. Having all these replies to my posts helps in the best way.
Thank you all.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Social | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.