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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by mystic on March 22, 2004, at 6:42:37
In reply to one day, posted by Magdalena on March 22, 2004, at 0:51:15
Magdelana....Beautiful just beautiful...thank you...Mystic
Posted by SandyWeb on March 22, 2004, at 9:35:14
In reply to Re: Please help!!! Sandy Web, posted by sexylexy on March 21, 2004, at 23:44:16
Ladies, I am touched that you want to help me. But please don't feel sick and worried about me. That makes me feel sick to my stomach. Believe me, it's not worth all the stress you are putting upon yourselves. I feel physically awful for having you even THINK about me. I will be fine.
My situation is no big deal. I've been attending University for a "lifetime" (lol!!), getting all my pre-reqs out of the way in order to enter the Bachelor of Science in Nursing program. I was accepted into the Advanced Standing option. Long story short: I had to take a Leave of Absence last year due to my mental health. I just came back to classes this January, and guess what? I have to take another Leave now. I'm just not able to be stable.
Student Loans have run out, so I can't afford to ever get an education. I already owe $40,000 plus I've put another $10,000 on my sister's Visa (without a degree). My chance for an education is OVER. I have no skills, I haven't worked since my early 20's. I can't even attend classes regularly, so I wouldn't be able to hold down a job. And the only thing I'm good for is a waitress, and I'm too tired for that! The rent is too expensive, we never have any money, the kids are always hungry, and they say I'm lazy because I haven't gotten a job so that they can have food in the cupboards. I have no future. I have nothing to do with the second half of my life other than read books and watch tv. I can't ever go to school and I'm too wishy-washy to hold any type of responsible job. I can't get me kids the things they need and want: FOOD, stylish clothes, sneakers that aren't falling apart, weekly or even monthly allowances. Nothing.
I was looking forward to having a PROFESSION, to giving back to society. I was looking forward to paying back my parents and sister, with cash and gifts. I was looking forward to starting an educational fund for my kids so they would have money for their own University courses (they've asked if I have a secret fund for them for University). I was looking forward to buying them new beds, moving them to a better area, giving them a better life.
Now all I can do is watch tv and read books. My kids will grow up feeling embarrassed by me, and I doubt that they will want to come by to visit.
There is nothing left. And I'm not feeling sorry for myself. It's just the way everything has worked out. The money is gone....the future is gone. There really is nothing left for me to struggle FOR. My life is basically over. There is no use for it.
Okay, so that's what is happening with me. I had a meeting with the University on Friday, and I'll be filling out the paperwork this week. The beginning of the end.
I may be starting to feel depressed.....but I'm more dead than anything.
I told you this so that you wouldn't be fretting about what is happening. It's really not a big deal. But it's just the way things have worked out for me. Not what I planned.
Now stop feeling sick about me! *smile* It's okay. It is what it is. I'll deal with it.
Thanks so much for your friendships. You have big hearts.
God bless,
Sandy
Posted by want info on March 22, 2004, at 10:23:53
In reply to RE: lexy, posted by sexylexy on March 21, 2004, at 23:09:58
thanks lexy! i am now at the end of the 2nd week on 15mg too...i do feel better...not quite like myself yet but getting there. i am still a LITTLE worried that this isn't the med for me but i guess i will see? you sound great! EM
Posted by want info on March 22, 2004, at 10:37:21
In reply to Re: Please help!!! Sandy Web, posted by SandyWeb on March 22, 2004, at 9:35:14
hi sandy. i know you don't necessarily want advice from strangers but i can't express to you how much you DO have to live for. you have children! can you IMAGINE what they'd do without a mother? think of everyone who needs you.
never give up hope. so many of us here have been through hell and back and come out stronger than ever. the love you see here on the board is the result of understanding that comes from having been there.
i know any one of us would give you a phone number, an email, anything to help you get through this. there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. what medication are you currently on? do you use a benzo like xanax or clonozepam?
please don't give up. we are all praying for you.
EMILY
Posted by Gator on March 22, 2004, at 10:51:23
In reply to Re: Please help!!! Sandy Web, posted by SandyWeb on March 22, 2004, at 9:35:14
Sandy,
It is very important that you just take one day at a time. Don't even think about the future right now. I understand how the thoughts of despair and worthlessness can be so consuming that taking your life actually makes sense. I have felt that way since I was 10 years old. I tried for the first time at 13 and the second time at 22. Thank goodness that both times it did not work because I would have never brought my beautiful 3 daughters into this world.
Maybe you can get just a part-time job at a place that you find interesting and learn more about it. I don't know where you live, but in my area there are food pantries to help with the food for you kids.
I am not trying to make light of your feelings, but it is only you and no one else that can change things. Your kids will love no matter what. Now you need to love yourself enough to get better. We are here to help you through the rough times. Just take baby steps, each day at a time.
When I start work, I have on my computer at start up - from the Saturday night live skit - "Cause I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggoneit people like me."- That always makes me smile and makes feel better at the start of each work day.
You are an important person!!! Please keep posting and here's another prayer for your well-being.
Gator
Posted by Simus on March 22, 2004, at 13:37:00
In reply to Re: Please help!!! Sandy Web, posted by SandyWeb on March 22, 2004, at 9:35:14
Sandy,
I think you are misunderstanding my intentions here. I am not pitying you. I am trying to get you to see the truth. It is so easy to confuse a mental illness with a character flaw. It is also so easy to think you will never become better, or stable. I have had times of stability during my ordeal. No, everything wasn't perfect. But I held part-time jobs in engineering for five years. No, it is not the degree of recovery I wanted at the time. But considering that a short time earlier, the only future I saw for myself was in a mental institution, that was a BIG improvement. I was able, during that time, to help my husband with the finances, buy a few extra things for the kids, bless my parents financially, give to charities, etc, etc, etc. In November, my meds were completely changed. It was a very hard time, and I had to take a medical leave in January. But they want me back as soon as I am able. I was so bad even just a week ago, I coveted death. Then, in ONE DAY, my doctor made ONE med change, and I am a new person!!! I will wait a while before I go back to work. But now, I know I will be even better and stronger than before. I have times of feeling 100% now!!! 100%!!!
When I took my medical leave, I felt hopeless, like I was a failure at everything I did. I didn't think anyone could ever count on me, ever. I could go on for a few more paragraphs with the negative self-talk. But the point I am trying to make here is that it is the illness talking. A week ago, I hated myself. Today, I no longer think that. ??? Did my character change? No. I simply, by medication, came out of the depression. So please, please just hold on.
Posted by jlynne on March 22, 2004, at 14:07:32
In reply to Re: Please help!!! Sandy Web, posted by SandyWeb on March 22, 2004, at 9:35:14
> Sandy, I was out of town yesterday, so I am just now getting aroung to reading all of the posts from this board. Looks like you've been flooded with responses, eh? (These people here are very caring, don't you think?)
I don't know where you live, so I don't really know what kind of social services are available to you. Please forgive me if this is totally off-the-wall, but have you looked into applying for Disability services? If you qualify, it might be enough to get you through this time, financially, anyway.
I was in a similar situation when my children were small; we were on welfare and food stamps between my low-paying jobs. It took me years to finish school, because of my illness - dropping out, losing my credits, losing my financial aid -trying again. I even lost my house to foreclosure at one point.
I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through, it sounds like the pits. If you want to talk, we might find that we have some more things in common?? (I am 54 yrs old now, and I work in social services)
God bless you, Sandy. I hope you find some answers. Keep us posted, ok? ...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on March 22, 2004, at 14:33:46
In reply to Re: Please help!!! » SandyWeb, posted by Simus on March 22, 2004, at 13:37:00
Hi girls,
Thanks for all the responses. I guess it does good to talk, huh? At least I'm not brooding on my own.
You know what really bothers me, though? Everything has been geared for the future....and now the future is a HUGE question mark.
I packed up the kids and flew away from hubby when they were only 2 and 5 years old (that was 10 years ago!! Wow!!!). We got 5,000 miles away from him, and I went to court and got sole custody of our kids....while he was swearing to hunt me down like the dog I am and kill me.
I waited until they were old enough for me to go back to school. We moved into the city so that I could be within walking distance of the University (we don't have a car). We sacrificed a lot, because it would only be temporary while I finished my education. I don't even have a bedroom in this apartment....I sleep on a daybed in the livingroom!
I slowly took the pre-reqs while getting used to being back in school. Eyes always on the future. Working towards the future.
Got into the Nursing program in the Advanced Standing option. Finished off the first half of years 1 and 2 with great grades. Went into the second term. And everything caught up with me. And I had to leave.
Came back this January.....just couldn't cope again. Leaving again.
And now the funds are all gone. My plans from 10 years are gone. Nothing is left. We have nothing. I can't even make new plans for the future. There are no options anymore.
I just don't know. All this time, I thought God was leading me. He absolutely got us away from hubby. And I thought He was guiding me towards being a nurse. I was amazed! I'm not totally comfortable around people, but I honestly thought He was calling me to be a nurse. I thought that was the reason I was created. I thought this was His purpose for me. All things are possible through Him.....and I was so excited! I knew I would be a wonderful nurse. I really care for people. And after working for a few months on an airliner disaster that happened here (but only body parts survived), I really empathize with people's grief.
And now.....was I so mistaken? All this time....when I thought I was listening to God....when I thought this was His wonderful plan for me.....when I was striving to fulfill that plan....when I was constantly in contact with Him.....what does it mean? Was He even there? Was I only hearing myself?? I don't get it. And every time I had a failure, I would learn something new.....and I thought that was why God had me go through the failure....to add more to my knowledge base in order to make me a better nurse. I was going to specialize in mental health, so what better way to learn than to go through as many experiences as possible. But now.....I'm not going to be a nurse. I can't even go to secretarial school if I wanted to!!!! (But hit me over the head with an anvil if I want to go there!!! Lol!). I can never do anything for my kids or society.
I just don't know. I guess writing helps to get the confusion out of my system. I just don't know where to go from here.
God bless,
Sandy
Posted by want info on March 22, 2004, at 14:58:52
In reply to Re: Please help!!!, posted by SandyWeb on March 22, 2004, at 14:33:46
hi sandyweb,
maybe this isnt the effect you meant to have on us posters but the first thing i thought when i read that was HONESTLY wow! look at how much she's already accomplished! you have performed more bravely in your life thus far than most people do in a lifetime. you have protected yourself, and your children...that's an amazing feat.
everyone goes through difficult times. those are the times that let us know we can survive. you can make it, we are all pulling for you. you sound like an amazing woman. and it doesn't matter whether the voice pushing you on was god or your own...it was there, and it guided you. let it guide you again! EM
Posted by jlynne on March 22, 2004, at 15:14:47
In reply to Re: Please help!!!, posted by SandyWeb on March 22, 2004, at 14:33:46
Sandy, you must know in your heart that God really has been guiding you all this way. You have tremendous faith, and God will reveal his will to you. You have been doing what you believed he wanted you to do - that is faith. Now you have to rely on your faith some more, and believe that He will not forsake you.
He really does work in mysterious ways - I know that something wonderful will come out of this. He is an awesome God! You have many people upholding you in prayer at this very moment. He is there, even when you can't feel or hear him.
"Be still, and know that I am God."
God bless you, Sandy. He is still there. ...jlynne
Posted by jlynne on March 22, 2004, at 15:18:13
In reply to Re: Please help!!! » SandyWeb, posted by want info on March 22, 2004, at 14:58:52
Well said, EM... you are an amazing woman, Sandy.
> hi sandyweb,
> maybe this isnt the effect you meant to have on us posters but the first thing i thought when i read that was HONESTLY wow! look at how much she's already accomplished! you have performed more bravely in your life thus far than most people do in a lifetime. you have protected yourself, and your children...that's an amazing feat.
> everyone goes through difficult times. those are the times that let us know we can survive. you can make it, we are all pulling for you. you sound like an amazing woman. and it doesn't matter whether the voice pushing you on was god or your own...it was there, and it guided you. let it guide you again! EM
Posted by Magdalena on March 22, 2004, at 18:04:16
In reply to Redirected Lexaproers, posted by jlynne on March 13, 2004, at 1:31:16
Hey there jlynne, how are you doing? i am alright just getting ready for work i dont like working monday nights cause its like all day im waiting to go in. :S
how are you feeling today? i dont know if its the drugs bailing on me or if it could be that it just doesnt work near that time of the month, i am a few days away. do you think that could be it?Are you in to movies at all? i just watched the final Lord of the rings movie and it was really good. i would recomend it if you are in to those type of films. Its weird i like reading horror novels but prefer watching sci-fi or fantasy movies. My favorites are the first Matrix, The Princess Bride, Donie Darko and the Green Mile.
anyway i hope you have a good nite, i'll talk to you later.
Magdalena
Posted by Simus on March 22, 2004, at 18:28:22
In reply to Re: Please help!!!, posted by SandyWeb on March 22, 2004, at 14:33:46
Sandy,
Thank you so much for reaching out to us. Your post rips at my heart, because faithwise anyway, you are EXACTLY where I was the past three months - until last week. I think this is why the Lord put you on my heart so strongly, why I was so desparate to reach you. Please read on:
> I just don't know. All this time, I thought God was leading me. He absolutely got us away from hubby. And I thought He was guiding me towards being a nurse. I was amazed! I'm not totally comfortable around people, but I honestly thought He was calling me to be a nurse. I thought that was the reason I was created. I thought this was His purpose for me. All things are possible through Him.....and I was so excited! I knew I would be a wonderful nurse. I really care for people. And after working for a few months on an airliner disaster that happened here (but only body parts survived), I really empathize with people's grief.
I know by the Spirit of God that you WILL BE a wonderful nurse. He was the one who put that desire in your heart, and He will be faithful to bring it to pass. And you will be an even better nurse after having truly suffered through and overcome what your patients will be living. Who better to understand and help them??? Look what you have been through! Look how much you have already overcome! And you will beat the rest, by faith. You will be more than a nurse. (A shiver just ran through my body as this came to me.) Most nurses can only offer medicine, but you will also be able to offer the faith and hope in God Himself, the ultimate Healer. =)> And now.....was I so mistaken? All this time....when I thought I was listening to God....when I thought this was His wonderful plan for me.....when I was striving to fulfill that plan....when I was constantly in contact with Him.....what does it mean? Was He even there? Was I only hearing myself?? I don't get it. And every time I had a failure, I would learn something new.....and I thought that was why God had me go through the failure....to add more to my knowledge base in order to make me a better nurse. I was going to specialize in mental health, so what better way to learn than to go through as many experiences as possible.
God doesn't bring the trouble, but he certainly can bring us out of it and make us stronger for having lived through it. "Beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning" =)
> But now.....I'm not going to be a nurse. I can't even go to secretarial school if I wanted to!!!! (But hit me over the head with an anvil if I want to go there!!! Lol!). I can never do anything for my kids or society.
That is just your current perception of your situation, only because you can't "see around the bend".Do you have a church? A church family can offer tremendous strength. Not only that, when your faith is running on empty, when you don't have the strength to pray one more prayer, they can stand in the gap for you. Do you mind if I ask what area of the country you are in? My Pastor is a pastor to hundreds of ministers from all over the world, and I can surely get you hooked up with a good church if you would like. I am not trying to "recruit" you into any religious group. What denomination you choose is your business. I just want to help if you will let me.
We had the best sermon last night on "endurance". It hit me right where I live. We forget sometimes how so many people in the Bible had to endure for an appointed time. I wish I could get a tape to you. Maybe someday...
God bless you, sweetie {{{{HUG}}}}
Posted by mystic on March 22, 2004, at 18:53:51
In reply to Redirected Lexaproers, posted by jlynne on March 13, 2004, at 1:31:16
Hello everyone..Hope you all had a great monday would like to ask for an extra prayer ...I have to have yet another dental procedure...I have to have a root canal done tomorrow with an unfamliar dentist..and I'm anxious and panic stricken and feel terrible...I'm thinking about taking a xanax but not sure it will make me feel better during my visit...I had just wished that this was going to be an easy week as mels baby shower is this week and if I lose it I dont know what I'm going to do and I was doing soo good..This is rediculous last week it was a wisdom tooth extraction and a crown prep and that was bad enough but at least it was with the dr I work for...and he knew what was going on with me...I just hate not having control over the situation..but i have rambled on enought sorry guys!!!!!....Hope you all had a great day and sorry to be such a downer...Catch up to you all later...Mystic
Posted by jlynne on March 22, 2004, at 19:02:32
In reply to Jlynne, posted by Magdalena on March 22, 2004, at 18:04:16
Hi, Magdalena:) I am doing a little better today. I have this week off, and two of my grandsons are staying with me (the 10yr old and the 15yr old). They get along well, and, most importantly - THEY ADORE THEIR GRANDMA!!
I was a little uncomfortable at my brother's yesterday, because I didn't know any of his friends. Most of them stared at me a lot, but I think it was because they were curious to finally meet me [at least, I HOPE that is the reason]. My son and three of my grandchildren went with me, so that helped.
I don't have to worry about my periods anymore (one good thing about getting older:) but I know that I was always a different person just before that time of the month. My ex-husband would know it was that time before I did! (I guess I got pretty touchy.) From what I have read in these posts, most women seem to be doing better with PMS when they are on meds. Do you usually have a bad time before your periods? How does it compare this time?
Also, from what I have read here, you are on a fairly low dose - maybe time to consider increasing?? Don't do it on your own, though, unless your doctor has given you the liberty.
As for the movies, I never go to the theater to watch movies anymore - too many people:) Thank heaven for videos and DVDS! I like most of the ones that you mentioned, especially "The Green Mile" and the first "Matrix". I am waiting for the final "Lord of the Rings" to come out on DVD - it's not out yet, is it?? Have you seen "Scent of a Woman", or "Second Hand Lions"? Those are two of my "feel good" movies. I am not into horror films, either, but I really enjoy some of Stephen King's books - like "The Stand" and "It".
I hope you have a good evening at work. ...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on March 22, 2004, at 20:25:27
In reply to Re: Please help!!! » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on March 22, 2004, at 15:14:47
Thank you for the prayers.
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on March 22, 2004, at 20:28:23
In reply to Re: Please help!!! » SandyWeb, posted by want info on March 22, 2004, at 14:58:52
Hi EM,
Yeah, I've accomplished so much. *snort* Hey, I even was addicted to crystal meth when I was in my 20's. And I overcame that. WooHoo. Strong woman that I am.
I'm so sorry, but I couldn't help but laugh at myself. Life has been grand. *smile*
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on March 22, 2004, at 20:42:53
In reply to Re: Please help!!! » SandyWeb, posted by Simus on March 22, 2004, at 18:28:22
Simus,
You are a sweet, sweet lady. Thank you for the encouragement.
But you know what? Unless a bundle of cash falls through my roof, I'm not going to be able to complete my education. If I don't get back to classes by next January, I start losing credits because of the amount of time that they are good for. So money and time has run out. And I'm not getting any younger. Lol.
So, it's time to take care of what needs to be done around here. I just don't know, Simus. My kids would actually be better off without me. I can only bring them down. They would have everything and more if they lived with my sister or my parents. I can't even take them to movies because I can't drive, let alone own a car.
As to where I am.....well, the kids and I were in California (that's where they were born), and we flew away to Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada!! We started life all over again with 2 suitcases and a carry-on full of toys. We didn't even have any winter clothes!! Lol! Who knew what snow was?? Ha ha!
I don't have a church. I've looked around different times, but nothing ever compares to the wonderful church I went to in California. I still get emails from my pastor there. (I also still get emails from my cop friend down there. I'm so proud of his accomplishments!!! Too bad he's still married! LOL!!). Anyways, I've never found a church here that I feel comfortable in. It's just different here....seems to be more baby-food than anything.
Well, I take Carly to see the doctor tomorrow. We need to help her overcome her anxiety about sleeping. She didn't go to school again today because she didn't get to sleep until the sun came up. Poor thing. I'm not sure if a 12-year old can be put on anti-anxiety meds or not, but she needs something NOW. I'm also going to get her referred to a pdoc.
I still think about the walk in the woods. It would just be peaceful....and there are plenty of woods around here to choose from. Lol! I just don't know anymore. I have no use. What is my purpose?? That just got blown away, and I'm left with nothing but debt and embarrassments. I'm the black sheep. I can only bring my kids down.
But...tomorrow's another day. It'll be okay. I'll just wait and see what happens. Maybe I'll count the grey hairs on my head!!! *smile*
God bless,
Sandy
Posted by Simus on March 22, 2004, at 21:12:53
In reply to RE: Hello everyone, posted by mystic on March 22, 2004, at 18:53:51
You'll be in my prayers. I have had a root canal, and honestly, for me it wasn't even as bad as a filling. But everyone has their own experiences. Just from your concern over the procedure, I would say that a Xanax beforehand may not hurt. Just make sure you don't take a dose that would make driving difficult or anything. I take one when I have to travel by plane, and it keeps me out of panic attacks. Another thing that helps is to take a cd player with headphones, and listen to calming music. My dentist is the one who told me this, and it does work. Take care, Mystic, and God bless.
Posted by Mrs. C on March 22, 2004, at 21:45:32
In reply to Re: Please help!!!, posted by SandyWeb on March 22, 2004, at 14:33:46
HI Sandy, I am so glad to hear from you today. I am only usually able to post at night. I have been thinking about you alot today and prayed for you last night. Now that you have explained some of what happened to you,I can understand how you feel so alone right now. You have come to the right place. We are a family. Welcome. We hope that you come here every day as often as it helps. Sometimes just typing your feelings can make things a little clearer. I really don't want you feeling guilty about all of us worrying. That's what friends are for. I wish that I had some answers for you but honestly, I don't. All I can say is that I realize things look totally over right now and you have lost your faith in God. But I know in my heart that he DOES have a plan for you and for all of us. Time can heal all wounds if you let it. Life is so much more than a degree or the amount of money you make. It is the mark you leave on the people you meet and the people who love you. Your children may not understand now but as they get older they will see you as an incredibly strong woman who did the best she could. Raise them with compassion, love and understanding and the material things won't matter in the long run. I totally feel for you and understand how sad you must be to have to let go of a dream. A big hug from me to you. Mrs. C
Posted by Mrs. C on March 22, 2004, at 21:46:30
In reply to Re: Please help!!! » SandyWeb, posted by want info on March 22, 2004, at 14:58:52
Well said EM! Mrs. C
Posted by Mrs. C on March 22, 2004, at 21:47:58
In reply to Re: Please help!!! » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on March 22, 2004, at 15:14:47
Wow Jlynne, beautifully put! What incredible people we have here on this board. I'm praying for us all, especially you Sandy, that HE brings us peace. Mrs. C
Posted by Mrs. C on March 22, 2004, at 21:51:09
In reply to Re: Please help!!! » SandyWeb, posted by Simus on March 22, 2004, at 18:28:22
Simus, I am so glad that you are feeling so great! Your posts have been inspirational these past few nights. I remember last week when you were feeling so low and now listen to you. I am so happy that you have found the right med for you! Yippie! Mrs. C
Posted by Mrs. C on March 22, 2004, at 21:53:36
In reply to RE: Hello everyone, posted by mystic on March 22, 2004, at 18:53:51
Mystic, Oh honey, I feel for you! As I have said before I have severe dental phobia. Take that Xanax! I will check back with you to see how you are feeling tomorrow. Don't let your teeth ruin the progress you have made so far! By Sunday you'll be back together and feeling terrific. I just know it! We'll talk soon. Mrs. C
Posted by jlynne on March 22, 2004, at 22:18:20
In reply to RE: Hello everyone, posted by mystic on March 22, 2004, at 18:53:51
Oh, Mystic, I feel for you!!!! This is just not fair to have to go through this again so soon. I think taking a Xanax ahead of time is a GREAT idea, especially since this is an unfamiliar dentist.
You, know . . . after all of this dental stuff, the shower thing is going to be a snap!! [LOL]
Hang in there; I will pray for peace for you. ...jlynne
"Peace, be still" Mark 4:39
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