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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Magdalena on March 17, 2004, at 13:18:10
In reply to Redirected Lexaproers, posted by jlynne on March 13, 2004, at 1:31:16
Hi jlynne,
I can only imagine how hard it must of been for you to open up to us about your past. First off here is a big hug for you *SQUUEZE* you are a beautiful person and i can bet you are a great friend and mother. Your story helped me reflect on my childhood, i didnt have the best childhood nor the worst but when i look back i get a very sad lonely feeling, not sure why...i was a very shy child who spent a lot of time playing alone and when i had other kids around me i put on a 'clown' persona and i think i have been the same eversince.
I have read quite a bit on depression, anxiety symptoms and i am very sure that this started in my childhood although im not sure why.
i had insmonia for 2 years at age 8 and 9, i never wanted to go to school, would get physically ill, they did every test on me but they came out negative, i would cry -A LOT. I worried about my parents not loving me or thinking they might die.
I got made fun of for a few years (like most kids do) through gr 4-7 because i was a small girl and needed braces. I got braces in grade 7 and all that torment was left back there although sometimes it still hurts. but thats something i learned to accept, kids make fun of kids it happens.
(sorry this is long , now im rambling) Then my parents got divorced when i was 12 and my sadness got WORSE then i was soo sad, i wanted to be with both, then i felt anxiety because my dad was alone and i didnt want him to be sad/lonely. (my mom remarried). Thats when i made friends with a 'bad crowd' and got in to drugs and all that to escape my pain and lonelyness...up until i met my ex who then suddenly became my world. i was 16 and we spent the next 5 years together and nothing else mattered. To make this very long story short, once problems started happening is when i started to purposly dissociate where i would mentally invision a place and i would go there. i would practice this often until i felt physically 'gone' then i started experinceing 'out of body experinces' when i was sleeping, ( i could tell you about those later) until one day i paniced when i was inducing one( i learned how) and havnt done it since. When it happens now its anywhere, at work, in a mall, at someones house, and it makes me VERY anxious.
Its a feeling of being 'out of control', disconnected from the physcial, i look in the mirror to make sure i am still here, my arms/hands feel tingly, my vision gets blurred adn it makes me paranoid! It tottaly hard to function, but i try hard to push though by carrying on with what i was doing, and it lessens a bit then goes after a while.
I obsess about similar things, it is my biggest fear to burn down the house, considering that i live at my moms house(with the step dad) and they would kill me. I light candles and burn oil to relax and feel good but sometimes when i go out i obsess on whether or not i blew out the candles, its so bad that everytime i make whoever take me back home to check because i would not rest otherwise. I obsess about something else too that is newer to my obsessions and what i think made me want to get medicated. I obsess about getting sick when i am out, i mean pysically sick to the point where i start to have a stomch ache and it just reinforces the fear. I fear the embaressment of being in that state around my boyfriend or his family or people i just meet. it makes me not attend work meetings and it a lot of other events.
One thing we have in common though is that you put perfume on your wrists cause you sleep on them! I TOTTALY DO THAT TOO!! except not with perfume instead its sented cream. you should try it, its especially for sleep.
its called The Healing garden, zzztheraphy, silk pajamas body lotion. its a little 54 ml bottle and it smells so good, subtle but calming and i use it everynight before i go to bed, i rub it on my wrists and sometimes a tiny bit on my pillow and it helps me sleep so much better.
anyway im sorry to anyone who is reading this that i made it so VERY LONG, its just that jlynne your last post made me introspective and these thoughts just came pouring out.
Thanks for taking the time to write, im so glad you are finding it easier to post here with us. It makes me happy to think that we could have helped you on one of your insecurities.:)
ok thats all for now. Have a great day/night.
(that goes to all of you)Magdalena
Posted by Journeyman on March 17, 2004, at 19:59:29
In reply to Re: The Perfect Metaphor » Journeyman, posted by jlynne on March 17, 2004, at 2:00:16
Hi jlynne,
I'm on EST.
Journeyman
Posted by Journeyman on March 17, 2004, at 20:16:11
In reply to Re: Redirected Lexaproers » jlynne, posted by Magdalena on March 17, 2004, at 13:18:10
Hi Magdalena,
What a terribly sad story, and one whose plot, though with some different details, is in essence much the same for many of us.
I'd like to suggest a couple of books that you might benefit from. I'm reading them both right now and am getting a lot of insight into my best and help for right now.
The first is by Alice Miller and is called, "The Drama of the Gifted Child." It looks at how parents whose own needs aren't met, attempt to get their needs met through their children (the very last place they should be looking). The effects of this dynamic are profound upon the children, who will do virtually anything to garner attention from their parents; esp. if they think the parents might leave. The author is negatively biased against psychotherapy (it has everything to do with her personal history) but it's very likely the book will upon up your eyes to your past.
The second book is "Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach. If focuses on listening to your thoughts and your physical feelings without judgement - something that most of us here have done little or none of for ourselves (but we're usually experts at noticing everything about other people). I found immediate comfort in applying some of the strategies she suggests. Perhaps you can too.
In either case, I hope you are working through your journey with a professional. The understanding of the bigger picture that a good therapist can provide, as well as the helpful guidance in response to it, is essential for most people dealing with depression.
May you find the comfort you are seeking.
Journeyman
Posted by jlynne on March 17, 2004, at 20:18:38
In reply to jlynne, posted by Journeyman on March 17, 2004, at 19:59:29
> Hi jlynne,
>
> I'm on EST.
>
> JourneymanThanks! It looks as though I'm the only one in the club so far who's out here in the boonies:) I just got off work, and you're probably settling in for the night, huh? Well, have a good evening; I need to grab something to eat:) ...jlynne
Posted by Journeyman on March 17, 2004, at 20:30:16
In reply to Re: jlynne have a blast » Magdalena, posted by jlynne on March 17, 2004, at 1:02:51
Hi jlynne,
I've just read your post in which you bravely acknowledged the cause which has led you through a lifetime of what I would guess has included fear, insecurity, self-doubt, guilt, difficulty trusting people (including yourself), difficulty establishing boundaries, and fear of intimacy...just a guess, based on empirical evidence.
I'm so sorry you have had to deal with all of the fallout that results from such a huge violation of trust and boundaries.
I've just posted something to Magdalena that includes a couple of book titles. Much of what I said to her I would also say to you.
Another title that you might also find very interesting is "Getting the Love You Want".
<<<<<<00>>>>>> (multiple hugs to you both).
My wish for you is that you will continue to steer your way through this emotional garbage (and you may want a third bin for it - as many as it takes) to the point that you can rekindle the light that was nearly extinguished so long ago.
Peace and blessings,
Journeyman
Posted by jlynne on March 17, 2004, at 20:30:18
In reply to Re: Hi » jlynne, posted by Simus on March 17, 2004, at 6:38:27
So glad you found us, Simus. I have had some very long days lately, so I'm afraid I don't have a lot of inspiration to give tonight. When you found me (just over a week ago?) I was at a pretty low point and very nervous about posting. (I'm the one who lost the weight, but kept the skin - remember?) I have since upped my Lex to 15mg and haven't shut up since.
I hope you stay at this site with us. We can talk about just about anything here. We are all anxious (good word, huh?) to hear how you are doing. Please, keep us posted. ...jlynne
Posted by jlynne on March 17, 2004, at 21:03:52
In reply to Re: Redirected Lexaproers » jlynne, posted by Magdalena on March 17, 2004, at 13:18:10
Magdalena, that is so sad! I'm not surprised that you learned to escape like that. Have you told your doctor about these episodes? Are you seeing a therapist? I want so bad to have an answer for you, but I am at a loss.
The only time that I have experienced anything close to what you are describing is way back when I was younger and playing with marijuana. I don't want to offend you, but do you, or have you ever, smoked pot? Please, don't get mad at me for asking - it's just something to consider, because I care. If you don't want to answer, I will understand.
Hey, I needed braces when I was a kid, too! My parents didn't understand, though, so I didn't get them until I was 30yrs old - and I paid for them myself. Yeah, it is tough being a kid and feeling "different". I never brought anyone to my house, because I was ashamed of how we lived. (but that's another story:)
I will look for the "Healing Garden" lotion next time I am in the store - sounds nice. Do you also have lots of pillows in your bed? I do, and I use jersey sheets - they're really soft, like men's undershirts. And I bought some really slinky, feminine nighties. Also, I have a feather bed on top of my regular mattress. I make it a point to consciously be thankful for my wonderful bed every night - it just kind of wraps me up and holds me all night long:^)
Well, I didn't plan to write such a long message. I got on the computer right after I got off work, and I haven't had dinner yet. (It's 7pm here) I'm going to go fix something to eat and watch Jeopardy. Here's a big hug back to you *SQUEEZE* ...jlynne
Posted by jlynne on March 17, 2004, at 22:53:25
In reply to jlynne, posted by Journeyman on March 17, 2004, at 20:30:16
> I've just read your post in which you bravely acknowledged the cause which has led you through a lifetime of what I would guess has included fear, insecurity, self-doubt, guilt, difficulty trusting people (including yourself), difficulty establishing boundaries, and fear of intimacy...just a guess, based on empirical evidence.
>Oh, now, that was just a lucky guess (just kidding:^)
Hey, you know what? I have had a recurring dream about being on a journey (your name made me think of it) - in the dream I know my destination, but I have to go through all sorts of unfamiliar places to get there, and I have not reached my destination yet, in my dreams. I am not anxious or worried in the dream; there are no threats along the way, but I have to climb up and down hills, through forests, in and out of maze-like buildings, etc. It is always a pleasant dream.
Do you feel like you are on a journey, too? Is that why you chose that name? (just curious:^) ...thank you for your input ...jlynne
Posted by jlynne on March 17, 2004, at 22:55:34
In reply to Re: jlynne, posted by jlynne on March 17, 2004, at 22:53:25
I fogot to change the subject (line).
Posted by Simus on March 17, 2004, at 22:56:28
In reply to Simus, posted by jlynne on March 17, 2004, at 20:30:18
>I have since upped my Lex to 15mg and haven't shut up since.
>We are all anxious (good word, huh?) to hear how you are doing.
LOL. Keep that sense of humor. It will see you through a lot.
Posted by Dr. Bob on March 17, 2004, at 23:14:14
In reply to Redirected Lexaproers, posted by jlynne on March 13, 2004, at 1:31:16
Posted by mystic on March 17, 2004, at 6:55:18
In reply to Alternate Site for Lexaproers, posted by Journeyman on March 16, 2004, at 22:18:01
Good morning Journeyman..Have you ever or are you a writer..You have such a way with words..I think if you are not maybe you should look into it..You are a very special person that has a lot to give and you write wonderful wonderful things...Thank you very much for sharing and helping..God Bless you and Take care...see you in the other lexapro room...Mystic
Posted by sexylexy on March 17, 2004, at 23:25:14
In reply to RE: Journeyman « mystic, posted by Dr. Bob on March 17, 2004, at 23:14:14
Hey Lex Family,
I missed you all so much! I hope everyone has had a great week. I am doing pretty well. Still taking 15mg, and really seeing a positive change. I am thinking about going up to 20mg just to get the full effect but am really feeling much better, not really going up and down so much and the side effects are gone. I am thinking of also adding a little wellbutrin for some energy and clarity am not sure. I am seeing my P-doc in the morning and will be sure to ask about it.
I had an awesome time in Vegas and thought about you guys a lot. Emily and Mystic, I hope the journey seems to be evening out somewhat, LynneDa hope you are feeling on the up swing again, Mrs. C hope 15mg is great for you, Edna and Kelli hope things are still going good for you all, Kathryn, hope you had a good trip and the plane ride went well. Journeyman, thanks as always for the great postings. Did I miss anything, I feel like I am out of the social circle.
Praying for ya'll and glad to be home!
Lexy
Posted by jlynne on March 18, 2004, at 0:05:18
In reply to Redirected Lexaproers, posted by jlynne on March 13, 2004, at 1:31:16
Mrs. c . . . are you all right? I have missed hearing from you. My thoughts and my heart go out to you tonight, whatever you are going through. ...jlynne
Posted by Magdalena on March 18, 2004, at 0:15:17
In reply to Magdalena, posted by Journeyman on March 17, 2004, at 20:16:11
Thank you Journeyman,
i love reading and will make it a point to pick up these two books on the weekend.
i have never been in therapy but my first appt. is on April the 6th, i am a little nervous about how it will go but at the same time i am looking forward to this part in the healing process.always much appreciated,
sweetdreams
Magdalena
Posted by Magdalena on March 18, 2004, at 0:30:52
In reply to Magdalena, posted by jlynne on March 17, 2004, at 21:03:52
Hi Jlynne,
i was really anxious before work today, kinda like 'anticipation anxiety' but once i started working i felt ok. I think that not running from the stressful/anxiety provoking situation is starting to help me a bit.No i was not offended by your pot question, yes i have smoked pot but in the last year i can count the times on one of my hands because its not so pleasant anymore (my current boyfriend smokes it, but he knows ihave no desire)when i was 14 though i used to smoke it a lot, 2 or 3 times a day. i stoped a few years after because it occationaly causes paranoia in me. I have also experimented with a few other illegal drugs although not excessivly, but have quit all that when i was 19. I felt that the synthetic happiness i got out of those drugs only made my depression worse by comparison. I didnt want to hurt my body with those things anymore i wanted to be happy in my natural conciousness, its been my quest eversince. I did overcome a lot of my depression that way but the anxiety makes it stick around.
i am seeing a therapist in 3 weeks for the first time ever, and i hope the experience will be a positive one. I feel good knowing that i am taking the right steps towards my goal(im sure its all our goals), and that is to be free from anxiety/depression and the limitations and concequenses that it brings.
about those jersey sheets THAT defenatly sounds like something i will be looking out for the next time i brave the mall, bedtime is my favorite part of the day! :)
anyway hope you have a good sleep, im turning in now too..( i read before bed)
Sweetdreams
Magdalena
Posted by jlynne on March 18, 2004, at 3:15:29
In reply to RE: jlynne, posted by mystic on March 17, 2004, at 6:38:11
Hi, Mystic. I was just getting ready to go to bed when I realized I hadn't heard from you tonight. Must have been a rough day, huh? I hope you are not in too much pain, and I hope somebody is there to pamper you. *soft strokes*
Did you have it all done at once, or do you have more to be done?
It will be morning by the time you read this, so good morning:) Hope you feel better. "This, too shall pass." ...jlynne
Posted by mystic on March 18, 2004, at 6:37:52
In reply to Mystic, posted by jlynne on March 18, 2004, at 3:15:29
Morning jlynne..I'm pretty sore and yes I had the wisdom tooth out and the crown done a 2 hour procedure so was not too bad yesterday but the anxiety is pretty high today...Always is after the stressful situation is gone is when I break..But hope you are doing good and you all have a great day...Last day of the work week for me I work 4 10 hour days in the dental field you always work 4 days so me off on fridays..not really though you know that is the day for housework Have a great day Mystic
Posted by mystic on March 18, 2004, at 6:40:27
In reply to Did ya miss me?, posted by sexylexy on March 17, 2004, at 23:25:14
Lexy ....You are back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...you were missed very much..glad to hear you are feeling good and you had a great week...welcome home...Mystic
Posted by mystic on March 18, 2004, at 6:42:54
In reply to RE: LEXY, posted by mystic on March 18, 2004, at 6:40:27
Hey I dont know about anyone else..but this is the second night that we have not heard from Mrs. C. and I'm really nervous it is not like her...I guess there is nothing that we can do but just worried..everyone have a great day...And Mrs. C. if you are out there We miss you and are very worried about you...Mystic
Posted by Mrs. C on March 18, 2004, at 8:08:37
In reply to Re: Mrs C. » Mrs. C, posted by want info on March 16, 2004, at 14:33:13
EM, should be any day now. Maybe today! It was about 6 weeks for me on 10mgs but since you have increased to 15 only a week ago it may be a little bit longer. You are almost there and you will know when it happens. Mrs. C
Posted by Mrs. C on March 18, 2004, at 8:24:47
In reply to A Story for Mrs. C, posted by jlynne on March 17, 2004, at 1:43:46
Jlynne, thanks for sharing with me. I have read about your form of OCD and it really amzaes me. I'm sure it is very difficult for you to deal with being unsure of things and have to check and recheck. My form of OCD has never included those rituals. Mine is always health related. Just today, I am worrying about the ringing sound in my ear when all is quiet and wondering why I have it. The "me" before lexapro would be searching the web for information and skimming through my medical books looking for clues. The new me is trying very hard to let it go and refusing to waste time looking for more reasons to worry. But the thought stays with me for days. Hopefully not weeks in this case but we'll see. Hope you will tell me more stories about yourself, it helps to know that I am not alone. Does anyone else here do this? Mrs. C
Posted by Mrs. C on March 18, 2004, at 8:32:53
In reply to RE: jlynne, posted by mystic on March 17, 2004, at 6:38:11
Hi Mystic, my month has just been so hectic and will continue to be until after Easter. Please don't worry about me if I don't post for a few days. I'm fine and feeling much better these days. I'm just really busy! I can't believe how active you all have been over the past few days. I have been at the computer almost an hour now catching up with everything. There were over 80 posts that I missed! Good news, I got my period today. That's not the good news though, the good news is that it came unexpectedly. It was on time but didn't even feel the anxiety I have usually felt before the "event" that gives me a clue that it's on it's way. I have been moving along pretty normally. I have had some obsessive thinking about ringing in my ear but I'm dealing with that okay. It's not depressing me. My next appointment with the therapist is next week and we will begin to work through whatever makes me tick. Hoping that the increase in the dose will eventually get rid of these thoughts. I may have to go to 20 as suggested by the doc.
Anyway, everyone seems like they are doing okay and progressing pretty well. I'm a little concerned about Simus and want you to know that I am praying for you. Talk to ya all later. Mrs.C
Posted by Mrs. C on March 18, 2004, at 8:43:47
In reply to Did ya miss me?, posted by sexylexy on March 17, 2004, at 23:25:14
HI LEXY! I missed your perky posts! Glad that you are back safely and that you had a fun trip. You sound wonderful. I am feeling really good too. The side effect from 15 were very mild and only lasted about 2 days. I may go up to 20 soon too but for now am happy at 15. Thanks for asking! Talk to ya soon. Mrs. C
Posted by Mrs. C on March 18, 2004, at 8:46:03
In reply to Mrs. c, posted by jlynne on March 18, 2004, at 0:05:18
Thanks Jlynne, I am absolutely fine, just busy these days. It really helps to know that others are concerned about me.
You sound so much better. Your tone is alot lighter. Are you noticing a difference yet? Mrs. C
Posted by Mrs. C on March 18, 2004, at 8:51:27
In reply to RE: jlynne, posted by mystic on March 18, 2004, at 6:37:52
Mystic, I am thinking about you today as you recover. My wisdom tooth is getting removed next week and I am dreading it so I can feel your pain. Hope you feel better soon. Mrs. C
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