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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by geri122 on January 2, 2004, at 8:50:32
In reply to Re: Saturday » fallsfall, posted by Bubbaleh on January 2, 2004, at 6:29:58
i will go see a doctor, just not yet, i am not ready yet. i mean i think that i can handel it right now. When, and if i gets to the point then i will be there but right now i need to deal with it. It acually makes me feel stronger to deal with it on my own. When i do overcome those mixed emotiond i can say I did that, i over came that. Yes i know you can do that when you have help, but i am just not ready.
I have these moments, where nothing seems right, all i want to do is crawl into a hole, but look im in that hole, i am still an exictance in the world.
It is a struggle, and it does get hard... and i am afraid, terrified acually. This is all not something i just woke up on. I ahve researched, read books and got first hand information. I know someone that is deppressed. We don't talk much, but she is my age and she told me everything that she goes through. My school, well there aren;t the most understanding people there. We are in high school, rumors and true facts get around quickly. I would go to a doctor, but my parents can't find out and they are always on my case. They must know where i am at all time. I know that that is out of love, but at 16 i can't do anything for myself by myself.
It is hard, but i know that someday i will be able to look in the mirror and say im ok.
Posted by LynneDa on January 2, 2004, at 10:23:02
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 2, 2004, at 8:50:32
Hi Geri - Happy New Year! I hope a lot of good things happen for you this year!
It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on what your options are and what your present state of mind is right now. I know you are caught between a rock and a hard place in terms of getting help. You are right that there is a huge stigma against mental illness in general, but you can keep it to yourself!
The problem is, everyone thinks it can't happen to them and they are afraid to talk about it if it hasn't - they don't want to be reminded of the possibility. But, as Fallsfall says, there are more people who are depressed and getting treatment than you could imagine! When I first recognized I needed help, I talked to my boss and she was so relieved for me cuz she knew something was wrong with me. She'd been thru a bout with it, as had 3 of my co-workers and the wives of 2 of the guys in my department.
Anyway, you have to take things at your own pace. We can keep urging you to go to your doctor and let the cards fall where they may. We can tell you that people are much kinder than you can imagine and the one's who aren't . . . who needs them! We can try to allay your fears about meds or counseling. But, bottom line is you have to make the choices when you are ready and I respect that. Just know that whichever you choose, you can always talk to us about it.
Keep in mind that, like Fallsfall alluded to, depression, and any mental illness, is progressive - that means it can get worse without treatment. It snowballs from an emotional and physiological sense. But, due to our hormones, it can come and go too!
The best I can do for you now is to help you thru situations. If you have a run-in with your Dad, we can talk about it and help you with some coping skills and maybe give you a way to look at it differently so it doesn't hurt quite as much.
Keep talking to your friend who opened up about her depression. That should help you. I really do think if you see a doctor and he/she diagnoses you with depression or even PMDD (pre-menstrual dysphoric disorder or really, really bad PMS), that will legitimize it for your parents. You have to weigh that feeling of being in a dark hole you can't climb out of versus the storm that you fear may be unleashed if your parents know.
I'm sorry you are caught in such a difficult spot! Just think, you are learning what kinds of things you will and won't do when you are a parent!
Take care sweetie and write when you need to!!
~ Lynne
Posted by geri122 on January 7, 2004, at 17:11:33
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by LynneDa on January 2, 2004, at 10:23:02
i know that you are here for me and that is the main reason why i cope with this the way i do. Before i started posting here things were worse. I didn't have anyone that could relate. THe problem is this emotions are starting to affect my reltaions with people. You see i like this boy but i am afraid that he won't understand and get scared and leave. We have been friends for a little and i know that he has feeling for me.. it kind of scares me. I don't, i just find how i feel getting in the way with my life. Drawing back... not livin life, not really wanting! but i am here
Posted by geri122 on January 8, 2004, at 15:00:42
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 7, 2004, at 17:11:33
i talked to a friend today who was referred to go to the school councler to be evaluated. He is so comfortable with how he feels, he doesn;t care who knows. I even told him that the principle told me that i should go and talk to the councler. He agreed. He said that it would be good for me. I never even told him really how i felt, but part of me thinks he already knows. I mean he is a great friend. I just am scared you know. Am i ready is the big question?
Posted by LynneDa on January 8, 2004, at 16:38:30
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 8, 2004, at 15:00:42
Hey, it sounds like you're getting closer to being ready! Doors are starting to open around you and sometimes that's what it takes. Just go with it and see how you feel. That's great this guy is so open to talking about it. Many people are that way - this is how I am, take it or leave it. OR - they are down so low they are ready for anything! Either way, he obviously recognized your behaviors and demeanor as being evidence of a big change in your mental state!!
Geri, problems and emotions can seem so big and overwhelming at any age, but especially at your age when you have hormonal changes and are somewhat inexperienced in dealing with issues. Combined with the fact that you aren't in control of your daily life since you are still with your parents. I found that talking to a counselor, to my friends, writing about my feelings and reading (which I know you mentioned you've been doing) was enough to get me through a lot of my teen years. That may be all you need. Or, there's always the chance that today's medicines may turn things around for you faster.
The answer is going to come for you eventually and you will find peace. It will be amazing when you can really know that you don't have to feel anxious and low all the time (or much of the time). You can feel productive and a part of things, you can like yourself and therefore be more a part of your outer life when you feel better. This is what I want to see happen for you :-)
Take care sweetie!
~ Lynne
Posted by LynneDa on January 8, 2004, at 16:45:11
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 7, 2004, at 17:11:33
Geri - You are here and that is very important! I'm glad there's someone you like and who you thinks likes you back! That is so much fun and should be part of your experiences right now.
Definitely, the way you feel about yourself is going to effect the way you relate to others. The fact that you may be suffering from depression will show only if you let it. It's hard to be confident, I know. But, in the beginning of a relationship, the other person doesn't have to know everything about you.
This is who you are right now. Things happen for a reason, I firmly believe that. The person you are right now is shaped by the fact that you're not feeling too good on the inside. But, it may also make you more sensitive to what others are feeling, etc. It may bring out qualities in you that could be attractive in ways you never imagined! Just watch out for the guys who sense a vulnerability in a girl and zero in on it - they can become manipulative. I know I sound cynical, but it's a natural human tendency to be drawn to someone stronger than you and for a strong person to be drawn to someone who's weak. Make sure YOU are still in charge of Geri, you make the decisions for you.
Keep working on the friendship side with this guy. If it's meant to be, it'll develop into more. Have fun!!!
~ Lynne
Posted by fallsfall on January 8, 2004, at 17:22:44
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 8, 2004, at 15:00:42
It's great that you know someone who has seen the counselor. It sounds like he thought the counselor was helpful, and not too scary. That is good to know. He can probably answer some questions you have about seeing the counselor. Lots of times having a little more information can make something less scary.
Good luck! And let us know what you decide.
Posted by geri122 on January 9, 2004, at 14:37:50
In reply to Re: Saturday » geri122, posted by fallsfall on January 8, 2004, at 17:22:44
Today in one of my classes i lost control. completely. I don't know what got over me, i was so tense and i flipped out. Yes there are more and more situations that send me in the direction to get help. i just.. today scared me. I couldn't control what i was doing. I don't want it to happen again, but i know that i can not control it. What do i do. have i really reached rock buttom.
Posted by LynneDa on January 9, 2004, at 14:39:04
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 9, 2004, at 14:37:50
Geri - what exactly did you do? Cry, shut down, what? You are right, it is another sign. Tell me what happened!
~ Lynne
Posted by geri122 on January 9, 2004, at 14:41:42
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by LynneDa on January 9, 2004, at 14:39:04
i don't know, i was haveing a good day. it was the last block of the day. all of sudden i brok down.. i was yelling and i even threw my notbook.. all i wanted to do was crawl up in a ball and cry
Posted by LynneDa on January 9, 2004, at 14:44:40
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 9, 2004, at 14:41:42
What happened immediately before this happened - who were you talking to and what were you thinking about? Did you feel some sort of a change in your head? Did you eat lunch today? I've had moments like that and it is all I can do to control myself! It's hard, I know, but you can get through this.
~ Lynne
Posted by geri122 on January 9, 2004, at 14:52:41
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by LynneDa on January 9, 2004, at 14:44:40
i don't know what i was thinking about. I was talking to a fellow student. No i didn't eat lunch i usaually don't.
Posted by LynneDa on January 9, 2004, at 14:54:39
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 9, 2004, at 14:52:41
Do you remember how you felt when you lost it? It wasn't something the person said? Was there anything you were reacting to? I'm sorry to ask so many questions, but all these things are important and it's sort of fresh in your mind now! I guess you know you should not skip lunch :-).
~ Lynne
Posted by geri122 on January 9, 2004, at 15:06:41
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by LynneDa on January 9, 2004, at 14:54:39
im just not real hungry... so i don't eat. No the person didn't say anything.. thats the problem, i just have all of these things running through head. I haven't talked to my friend in a while. I just bottle it all up.
Posted by LynneDa on January 9, 2004, at 15:07:19
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 9, 2004, at 14:52:41
I guess the real question now becomes . . . what do you want to do about it? You have a right to be scared. Was there a teacher around who witnessed it? What did the other student say? How long did you feel this way? Acting out can occur for many reasons - anger is the most natural. Hormonal surges are another. Sheer emotional exhaustion is yet another. What do you think?
If you need to email me on my work email, feel free, and I can send you my phone number if you want to talk, ok? I can't write it out correctly, so I'll use the word "at" for the @ sign. LDavisatcmsstl.com. There are no spaces in my name or the cmsstl part. I'll be here til 6pm your time.
~ Lynne
Posted by geri122 on January 9, 2004, at 15:16:16
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by LynneDa on January 9, 2004, at 15:07:19
thanks so much for everything. I don't know what i am going to do yet. i am really thinking about calling someone or somthing. the teacher was there but she didn't do anything. it wasn't toward the student either. it was like an emotional break down
Posted by LynneDa on January 9, 2004, at 15:29:42
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 9, 2004, at 15:16:16
Good! Like I said, I have these outbursts from time to time too - where it's like another person just jumped in your brain and you have no idea what just happened! It's embarassing and I immediately regret it. Just realize you're human and it's all a part of what you're going through. I'm kinda surprised the teacher didn't say anything to you like, "are you okay?"
I know you're not hungry, but try to eat a bit so your immune system doesn't get too worn down. That will make outbursts like these more frequent, believe me! I am so much worse and out of control when I don't eat - it just makes everything more off balance. Stay away from sugar if you can, that makes most people more prone to outbursts cuz of how out of whack it can make your chemistry!
Take care and I hope you have a good weekend. The offer is always open to call me if you need to!!
~ Lynne
Posted by geri122 on January 10, 2004, at 10:25:40
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by LynneDa on January 9, 2004, at 15:29:42
hey i just want to say thanks. and that maybe i will take up your offer but i will tell you know, i won't be as open. It is easier to write then to say
Posted by fallsfall on January 10, 2004, at 12:47:00
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 10, 2004, at 10:25:40
Geri,
Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and cheering you on. I hope that things will be better soon.
Posted by LynneDa on January 12, 2004, at 9:00:40
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 10, 2004, at 10:25:40
Geri - I understand . . . it is much easier to write true feelings than talk! Just want you to have that option if you need it. My work number is toll free, so there's no long distance charge.
Hang in there and have a good week!
~ Lynne
Posted by geri122 on January 12, 2004, at 15:08:11
In reply to Re: Saturday » geri122, posted by fallsfall on January 10, 2004, at 12:47:00
thanks... i really need. I just seem to be loosing the mean of everything. People are starting to bother me more and more.. i don't want to hide it anymore. To me.. there isn't a need
Posted by LynneDa on January 12, 2004, at 16:19:35
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 12, 2004, at 15:08:11
I understand. I would get to the point where I was ready to scream at my boss about the idiotic things she had me doing . . . and if my husband gave me one more long explanation to a question that only required a short answer, I thought I would truly attack him! It is awful when you feel so out of control. It wasn't me, wasn't rational, wasn't normal. Is that what you're feeling?
Try to keep moving forward and do what you have to do to get by while you're going through this. The time will come when it feels right to take action. You are getting there!
~ Lynne
Posted by geri122 on January 15, 2004, at 15:22:49
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by LynneDa on January 12, 2004, at 16:19:35
exactly... and its scary. I tryto control it but sometimes i don't even know its coming.
Posted by LynneDa on January 15, 2004, at 15:39:13
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by geri122 on January 15, 2004, at 15:22:49
I know, it's like I'm going through it and I wake up when it's over, cursing myself cuz I swore the next time I would stop it or try to control my outburst. I've tried figuring out what sets it off or if I feel any warning signs . . . but it's like this tornado just comes roaring through me without notice.
It has to be hormonal. It is so similar to the weird uncontrollable post-partum feelings I had after having my daughter - but those were just weepy feelings, not angry.
I can tell you, now that I'm on meds, I don't have them anymore. I still have mood swings, I guess that's a perpetual female thing, but not nearly as devastating and damaging as before!!
I hope you can find a solution soon. You'll get there!
~ Lynne
Posted by geri122 on January 26, 2004, at 16:25:56
In reply to Re: Saturday, posted by LynneDa on January 15, 2004, at 15:39:13
hello, it has been a while since i last wrote. Within this time, i have had a lot of time to think. I thought i was doing better. I thought that i was gaining control. Then all of a sudden things just changed. a fight with my dad, the thought of not wanting to live anymore. all those thoughts just started to flow it.
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