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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kara lynne on December 4, 2003, at 0:16:17
Can anyone understand this---I'm afraid of the impulse to call my ex; I don't want to call him but I get almost a physiological panic, like I have to talk to him right that second or I'll die. It's completely irrational and I don't understand where it comes from or why. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and feel like I'm going to freak out if I can't make contact with someone--even if it's someone from my past I haven't talked to in years.
My counselor is going out of the country for a week tomorrow.Two of my two friends will be going away for the holidays. I believe some of this is triggered by the fear of abandonment, although of course I will not be loved if I call my ex so it doesn't make any sense on a conscious level.
I've tried to talk about this; I brought it up to the therapist I saw for awhile and he just looked at me like I was weird. I said I get these feelings of panic and I'm afraid of acting from them, and that I wanted some insight so I could be better prepared, or some method to help get me through those moments. I did bring it up to my counselor a couple of days ago, but she didn't really address the panic per-se; she just said if I called him I would be calling nothing, which is true.
It's not like a full fledged panic attack, it's this fleeting state of panic that is always lurking just below the surface, but threatening to overpower me at any given moment.
I could really use anyone's input if you have it.
Thanks.
Posted by fallsfall on December 4, 2003, at 6:34:21
In reply to Panic around impulses, posted by kara lynne on December 4, 2003, at 0:16:17
Kara,
I think that this is one of those "You have to sit with the feelings" things. You can sit out the panic, and you will feel better later. You just need to trust that the panic will go away and you WON'T die. Maybe if you can create some kind of ritual for yourself that you can do when the panic comes. A comfort, or a distraction, or both? I put on a velour shirt this morning because it is soft and today is going to be a panicky day for me. When I feel stressed, I can stroke the soft on my sleeves and it helps me calm down a little. I need to find my rabbit's foot - that is my fiddle toy that helps me calm. You might want to get a deck of cards and play solitaire - but use a real deck, not the computer because the process of shuffling and reordering the cards can make me feel like there is order in the world. I know some SUPER easy solitaire games that involve a lot of card movement, and very little brain. Maybe I'll try that this morning, too. Coloring geometric shapes with colored pencils is also stabilizing for me - I have geometric coloring books, but sometimes the designs are too complex and I have to make too many decisions on what color to use. So I just get a blank sheet and I make my own pattern by adding one shape at a time to my blob of colored shapes.
I think you need to make a plan that says that you will wait the panic out - that you know that it is there, but that you know that you can get to the end of this episode. Find some calming/control kind of activities that you can engage in. And know that you'll get to the other side. Tell yourself that you can do it. If you don't quite believe it, then tell yourself that *I* know you can do it.
Thanks, Kara, for helping me think this through. I'm a bit panicky myself because I'm going to talk about my old therapist in therapy today. And tomorrow, somehow, I have to play Mrs. Claus at the library.
P.S. We should have left 10 minutes ago to take my daughter to school. She is late, but I'm not yelling. I have enough stress this morning. She'll just have to be late. She has a study hall first period anyway.
Posted by sienna on December 4, 2003, at 17:57:33
In reply to Panic around impulses, posted by kara lynne on December 4, 2003, at 0:16:17
kara lynne *hugs*
i totally understand those impulses. i get them too. i wish i had a good answer for you. these are the things that i have trouble with too. i usually end up taking a benzo if it gets too out of control, but im not sure if you have that option. in any case, i know how much that feeling sucks and if it makes you feel any better, you are defnitley not the only person who has that.
I can list somethings that might help.hmmm, maybe do you have one friend that you can call when you feel like that, even if its just to vent about it for a few minutes? LIke someone that ccould handle multiple calls a day? Thats one thign that helped me not smoke (another impulse). I told my friend everytime i wanted a cigarette. And they were sympathetic.
I have fear of abandomnment too. It can be really hard. I would resist as much as you can. I know that its hard.
(((((((((kara lynne)))))))))))
Sienna
Posted by kara lynne on December 4, 2003, at 18:34:40
In reply to Re: Panic around impulses, posted by sienna on December 4, 2003, at 17:57:33
At the bottom of everything. Today I was fighting that feeling at every turn. Every time a man mentions his wife the rest of the conversation becomes a blur and all I can think is, I'm not a wife, I failed. Every time someone mentions their work all I think is, I'm not working, I'm failing.
I want to believe I have a chance, that I have as much right to do something and be successful as anyone else. But I don't really believe that. What kills me is I could just be doing it.
I tried to make a decision today about something expensive I have to get for work. I went to the store, I spent over an hour comparing, I couldn't do it, I left. Ultimately it doesn't even matter which one I pick, but I let these details wear me down.
I need to start doing things without being so alarmed that I haven't done them yet. I feel so worthless, in the meantime. My life became my ex's worth; his work, his friends, his life. My own is so tiny I can barely see it. If I blink it could disappear.
Posted by kara lynne on December 4, 2003, at 18:41:36
In reply to Not to mention feelings of worthlessness., posted by kara lynne on December 4, 2003, at 18:34:40
Except for my pdoc.-just stopped. I don't want to know. I've never skipped an annual gyno appt., I'm overdue for all manner of tests. I even skipped my cat's shots this year (although some might argue in favor of that). I don't know what it means, but it scares me. It's like some fundamental sense of self care has shut down.
Posted by kara lynne on December 4, 2003, at 18:56:32
In reply to Re: Panic around impulses, posted by sienna on December 4, 2003, at 17:57:33
Thank you for understanding sienna, it really helps. It would be great to have a friend I could call like that--I think it would help a great deal. My life as I have known it has fallen apart in the last year and I no longer have someone like that at the moment. The woman I used to talk all the time to I haven't spoken with in months due to some conflict. My current friends (although we're not that close) are going away so I think it's all kicked up for me right now.
And I'm just feeling so wasted. I know I need to push against that, but sometimes it just feels impossible.
Thanks again sienna, I really do think you understand. You're such a love.
Posted by kara lynne on December 4, 2003, at 19:10:36
In reply to Re: Panic around impulses » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on December 4, 2003, at 6:34:21
Thanks for the good ideas fallsfall, I'm going to try some. Something about using that energy toward creating something positive sounds like a good idea. I need to get something to have right on hand when those moments come. Where do you get geometrical coloring books?
I want to hear how everything went for you today, I'll try to find you in psychological...
(((falls)))
Posted by sienna on December 4, 2003, at 23:16:45
In reply to Not to mention feelings of worthlessness., posted by kara lynne on December 4, 2003, at 18:34:40
I got an idea. related to the feelings of worthlessness post. Ok, i tried this a long time ago and it made me feel a litlte better and now i do it every once in a while.
Try writing all of the things that youve ever been that you enjoyed or were good at it. Both is nice, but either is fine. Examples are bicyclist waitress student writer sister traveller etc etc
all the jobs all the hobbies just whatever kinda thigns you have done. tell me what you think?
Sienna
Posted by sienna on December 4, 2003, at 23:21:10
In reply to And I've stopped going to doctors., posted by kara lynne on December 4, 2003, at 18:41:36
Hmm, you dont need to go to a bunch of them anyways, you just need ONE that you can deal with. I found this old guy that had been working at the same hospital for thirty years and i have seen him for about seven years and he is great. I dont know why im telling you that except to let you know that there are ok docs out there.
Its important to take care of yourself even if you are having a hard time. I know i dont like going all the time, but i just make myself go somehow.
Sienna
Posted by sienna on December 4, 2003, at 23:26:32
In reply to Re: Panic around impulses/ sienna, posted by kara lynne on December 4, 2003, at 18:56:32
Kara Lynne,
Ok, man i know that can be really hard. Do you have any hobbies or things where you can meet people? Can you take a ceramics class or something? I met a bunch of people at a ceramics class before. I think if you had more support system you might feel a little better.
I know i have been feeling like donkey butt lately and part of it is because i pushed away all my friends for this guy and now that we aer on the rocks i dont know where my friends went. Well, they are still there, but there busy and I dont blame them. I dont know how to find more people, but usually i meet people if i have hobbies. hmmm.... i wish i had better suggestions. Im much better with stuff like dish throwing which probably doesnt solve a lot of problems, but boy does it feel better for a minute or two.
SIenna
Posted by kara lynne on December 5, 2003, at 0:48:06
In reply to Re: Panic around impulses/ sienna, posted by sienna on December 4, 2003, at 23:26:32
They used to throw the (discus?), why not?
I like your ideas, sienna. I can at least sit down with a pen and paper and agonize over good things to write about myself.As far as support, I've been trying to say 'yes' to more things, whatever they are. But somewhere I feel so shut down, and I'm just not magnetizing much in my life. It's all supposed to happen for me miraculously as soon as I start working and being of some use. But physically I can't tell you how drained I am--I caught a glimpse in the mirror today and it was like all the blood had been sucked outta me. I'm looking for ways to get back my life force--I don't know if it's from meds or not, but I really feel bad. I did used to always go to doctors--not that I ever liked it, but I did what I had to do.
I'm sorry your friends are busy--what are your other hobbies? I think you said you rode horses--that's so cool. For some reason I think we're in the same state, but on different sides of it--I don't know if that's correct or not. I wonder how many people would come to our dish throwing class? We could have different kinds of dishes each week, with different music, and experiment by hurling them against different surfaces...
Posted by fallsfall on December 5, 2003, at 6:23:34
In reply to Not to mention feelings of worthlessness., posted by kara lynne on December 4, 2003, at 18:34:40
I tried to make a decision today about something expensive I have to get for work. I went to the store, I spent over an hour comparing, I couldn't do it, I left. Ultimately it doesn't even matter which one I pick, but I let these details wear me down.
You went to the store. You did! You looked at them and compared. I know how hard it is to make a decision, even if it doesn't matter. Does one of them come in your favorite color?
You mobilized yourself and took a step in the right direction. You should be proud of yourself, I'm proud of you.
Posted by kara lynne on December 6, 2003, at 0:48:54
In reply to You did it » kara lynne, posted by fallsfall on December 5, 2003, at 6:23:34
Thank you falls. You know, only one came in a color that I truly loved. Maybe that will be my final answer!
This is the end of the thread.
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