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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Susan J on September 11, 2003, at 9:44:19
I need help or I'm going to lose my job. I've been struggling with depression for a year and a half. I've had it before, but never this bad. Last summer was torture, crying ALL the time, couldn't focus, didn't do anything but lay on the couch. I came into work every day because if I stayed home alone I wanted to die.
Last summer, at my lowest, I was actually getting some work done, though. Not quickly, but at least by deadlines.
This summer, when I seem to feel a little better (not crying *every* day, no suicidal thoughts), I can't concentrate at work at all! I have one set of projects that I haven't even started since April, and I don't know why nobody has said anything to me. I know I should do them, but I feel paralyzed about dealing with them. I'm paralyzed from starting a lot of things that scare me. I have two projects ahead of me, not in my subject area, that I'm terrified to start, cuz I don't know *where* to start....
End result, I'm not doing nearly as much work as I need to do. My boss knows I'm dealing with depression and seems to be understanding, but I haven't talked to him lately about it.
I mean, it's absolutely TERRIFYING to me I can't make my brain work right to get my work done. After all, I get PAID to use my brain. That's all I'm supposed to do.
Is this type of fear of starting a project for fear of failure, etc. a normal symptom of depression? What can I do to cope? My therapist really hasn't given me much guidance here. Have any of you dealt with this? What did you do?
I'm single. I'm the only paycheck. I have a house I don't want to lose. A way of life I don't want to lose. ??
Please.....any thoughts would be really appreciated.....
Susan
Posted by Penny on September 11, 2003, at 10:32:30
In reply to Really Screwing Up At Work, posted by Susan J on September 11, 2003, at 9:44:19
I really wish I could give you a good answer here, but I can't. I struggle with getting my work done on a daily basis. Right now there is a newsletter that I finally completed about 9 months after it was originally supposed to be done, that I still haven't mailed out. I don't know what it is about that project that has been so difficult to get finished, but I just can't seem to do it. Just like phone calls that I know need to be made, projects that need to be followed up on, etc.
I too am single and right now I'm barely making ends meet as it is. Part of my problem, I think, is that I'm not in the career field I want to be in. I am working toward a career change, but, as with everything, it takes time and energy. Energy I don't have, and the amount of time it's taking is frustrating.
My therapist recommended the book "The Now Habit". It's an older book but has some good ideas, essentially about changing the way you think about projects. I pulled some of the ideas out of the book and posted them on my bulletin board next to my desk. They say: "I don't have to, I choose to." "I can take one small step." (meaning that you can always do one little thing - don't look at the WHOLE job, just say, Okay, I'm going to make ONE phone call today. That's it.) and "I am not perfect, I am human."
Believe it or not, part of your problem, and the problem with all people who have trouble with procrastination and motivation, is that we are perfectionists. For me, I'll put something off, and then after a while it will get where I'm almost afraid to do it, b/c then I feel like, "Well, now I HAVE to get it done." Then it becomes, "Well, if I can just get it done soon." Then it turns into, "Now it will only be a half-a**ed job..." which makes me fearful that when I do finish the project I will get criticism for having finished it late and less than perfectly. I guess part of me just hopes that if I ignore it, maybe everyone will forget about it, and it will just go away.
But, of course, that doesn't happen.
Truly, though, reminding myself that I am HUMAN and that I am NOT PERFECT, and that I CAN do one little teeny tiny thing today (which provides that sense of relief/satisfaction, albeit a small one), and that I'm not working because I HAVE to - the only thing in this life we have no choice over is death - we all HAVE to die at some point - but I'm working b/c I'm choosing the rewards of working over the consequences (no house, car, food, etc.) of not working - makes things a *little* bit easier.
But only a little bit. I still don't have the answers. Procrastination compounded by depression is a tough one. Try to not look at all you HAVEN'T done and instead look at what you have accomplished. Try to find some way to motivate yourself to do SOMETHING - doesn't have to be anything big today, just something. Some people say to make a 'to-do' list so you can cross things off - that just stresses me out, to see in writing all that I have yet to accomplish - perhaps instead you could write down things as you do them - a list of accomplishments instead of a list of things yet to be done.
Just some thoughts. Hope it gets easier for both of us!!!
P
Posted by Tabitha on September 11, 2003, at 11:32:48
In reply to Really Screwing Up At Work, posted by Susan J on September 11, 2003, at 9:44:19
Hi Susan, I've been there. One thing for sure, it's very hard to function in a professional job like you have when your depression is active. At times I used to wish I could just chuck it and find a nice mindless job, though I'm sure that would have its own problems. Penny had some great suggestions about getting yourself moving, but for me, when it was that hard to function, the only thing that helped was a med change. I suspect your antidepressant isn't doing its job very well right now. Can you get a med check?
For your peace of mind, remember you're a bright person, so even if you're not 100%, you're probably still doing OK. You're likely to be seeing your performance as worse than it is, since depression distorts everything to the negative.
Another tip for functioning-- can you pick out any part of the task that seems more doable than the rest? Sometimes the mindless part would seem easier to me, and sometimes the challenging part would seem easier, depending on how I was feeling. There were times I would just clean off my desk to give myself a sense of accomplishment. Also, can you get any exercise on your lunch hour? That can help your mood.
Posted by Ted on September 11, 2003, at 13:04:25
In reply to Really Screwing Up At Work, posted by Susan J on September 11, 2003, at 9:44:19
Susan,
Been there, done that. I know exactly how you feel because the same has happened to me several times in the past.
My approach is to write down everything I have to do for a specific task. For each thing, I outline exactly what I have to do. Now I have lots of miniature things to work on. These short-term goals allow me to focus on something I can do in hours to days instead of weeks to months. I can also feel good (well, sorta anyway) about my accomplishments, no matter how tiny. Sometimes this is the only way I can keep focused.
Good luck.
Ted
Posted by Pfinstegg on September 11, 2003, at 19:38:31
In reply to Re: Really Screwing Up At Work » Susan J, posted by Ted on September 11, 2003, at 13:04:25
One thing that stands out is that you were able to get MORE done a year ago when you were more depressed. Are you taking a medication that's made you more flat and apathetic- the way Prozac or Zyprexa makes some people feel? If you are, maybe a change to, or addition of, a more activating AD, like Wellbutrin, might help.
Pfinstegg
Posted by Gabbix2 on September 11, 2003, at 20:01:33
In reply to Really Screwing Up At Work, posted by Susan J on September 11, 2003, at 9:44:19
Susan, the fear is a part of depression, as is the hopelessness, but the terror you're talking about could be anxiety caused by the Wellbutrin you're taking, it makes a lot of people very anxious especially early on in treatment.
However I've been on it (Wellbutrin) a year, and all I was doing was starting school this year, something I'd normally enjoy, and I was horrified, I couldn't sleep I couldn't eat, shaking like a leaf.
I couldn't do anything because my mind was spinning and everything became so confused I couldn't prioritize. Worrying about whether I had a pen, would take the same priority as whether or not I had been registered for all my classes.I've never been that nervous about starting anything before. I had to beg my Dr. for Valium
and its helped calm me down enough that I can delineate whats important and actually settle enough to do it.I hope this doesn't make you MORE confused.
Its just what worked for me
Posted by Gabbix2 on September 11, 2003, at 20:07:10
In reply to Re: Really Screwing Up At Work, posted by Gabbix2 on September 11, 2003, at 20:01:33
Its odd that we both just quit taking Paxil,
and I know you've started wellbutrin, and I've just increased mine.
"Fear of starting ANYTHING as a side effect?":(
Posted by Susan J on September 12, 2003, at 8:47:12
In reply to Re: Really Screwing Up At Work, posted by Pfinstegg on September 11, 2003, at 19:38:31
> One thing that stands out is that you were able to get MORE done a year ago when you were more depressed. Are you taking a medication that's made you more flat and apathetic- the way Prozac or Zyprexa makes some people feel? If you are, maybe a change to, or addition of, a more activating AD, like Wellbutrin, might help.
<<That's a really good point! The only thing is I switched from Paxil to Wellbutrin about 2 months ago now, and yeah, Wellbutrin feels more like a stimulant for me, which is wonderful, because Paxil, I think, was going to be the death of me.
Nice of you to point this out to me, though. Last summer, depressed as I was, I hadn't been on the Paxil very long, and it seemed to take a REALLY long time to truly work (3 or 4 months). I don't know if that's normal or not, but my therapist kept telling me it would kick in by 6 weeks. Not. And this summer, I hated Paxil so much, I weaned myself off of it and didn't replace it with Wellbutrin for a month. My therapist told me the lack of any AD for the month or so has sent me back into depression. :-(
But it's definiately worth looking at what the meds are doing. The nursing assistant in my med doc's office told me to go to a psychiatrist because while my doc is good, this just isn't her area. It's just so hard to get an appointment with a psyc. under my medical plan....
Thanks though. Definitely worth looking into.
Susan
Posted by Susan J on September 12, 2003, at 8:51:29
In reply to Re: Really Screwing Up At Work, posted by Gabbix2 on September 11, 2003, at 20:01:33
> Susan, the fear is a part of depression, as is the hopelessness, but the terror you're talking about could be anxiety caused by the Wellbutrin you're taking, it makes a lot of people very anxious especially early on in treatment.
<<Hi! How're you doing? :-) That's a good point too. I felt really on edge, nervous, and outright ANGRY when I first started taking Wellbutrin, but that seemed to subside. Maybe this is a more subtle side effect....I've been on it 2 months. With Paxil, I got every side effect, got it bad, and then might have lessened, but never went away, and always bugged me.
> However I've been on it (Wellbutrin) a year, and all I was doing was starting school this year, something I'd normally enjoy, and I was horrified, I couldn't sleep I couldn't eat, shaking like a leaf.
<<<Arrrgh. Have you had anxiety problems before Wellbutrin?> I couldn't do anything because my mind was spinning and everything became so confused I couldn't prioritize.
<<Yep, me too.Good to know. Good to think about. I'll ask my therapist next week.
Hope all is going well.
Susan
Posted by Susan J on September 12, 2003, at 9:04:29
In reply to Re: Really Screwing Up At Work » Susan J, posted by Ted on September 11, 2003, at 13:04:25
Thank you. That's a good idea. Slowly, but surely, I'm getting some stuff done. There's just one area of my job I don't want to look at...and I have to.......maybe I'll try breaking that one down...
Susan
Posted by Susan J on September 12, 2003, at 9:10:46
In reply to Re: Really Screwing Up At Work » Susan J, posted by Penny on September 11, 2003, at 10:32:30
>>.....I don't know what it is about that project that has been so difficult to get finished, but I just can't seem to do it. Just like phone calls that I know need to be made, projects that need to be followed up on, etc.
<<<<Oh, I can *so* relate to that...
>
> Part of my problem, I think, is that I'm not in the career field I want to be in. I am working toward a career change, but, as with everything, it takes time and energy. Energy I don't have, and the amount of time it's taking is frustrating.
>>I really like most of my job. Part of my problem is that work is actually *too* slow right now and I don't have the momentum of regularly working to keep me going. When it gets busy in the winter, things will be fine.Also, I hate my coworker, who drains me of what ever energy I have left.....
>
> My therapist recommended the book "The Now Habit". It's an older book but has some good ideas, essentially about changing the way you think about projects.
<<That sounds good. I'll look it up. :-)
> Truly, though, reminding myself that I am HUMAN and that I am NOT PERFECT, and that I CAN do one little teeny tiny thing today (which provides that sense of relief/satisfaction, albeit a small one)
<<That's cool. I have a really great friend whom I used to work with. She's now in a much higher position, but we still work in the same field and run into one another a lot. I told her I wasn't really up to par on my work, and she told me I've been such a good worker, that my bosses are more likely to accept slow work from me than someone else, and not be too upset by it. I'm not phrasing that very well. But basically, I have a good reputation, they'll cut me some slack.Great, and made me feel better. But how long will they cut me some slack?
Good luck to you, too!Susan
Posted by Susan J on September 12, 2003, at 9:17:43
In reply to Re: Really Screwing Up At Work, posted by Tabitha on September 11, 2003, at 11:32:48
>>Penny had some great suggestions about getting yourself moving, but for me, when it was that hard to function, the only thing that helped was a med change. I suspect your antidepressant isn't doing its job very well right now. Can you get a med check?
<<Oh, I have no idea how to deal with meds. I wish I knew. I have had depressive episodes before, but this is the first time I've used meds. My therapist swore that Paxil would be my lifesaver, and it wasn't. Nowhere near, and caused some worse problems. Now, I'm on Wellbutrin, but it's kicking up some anxiety things, I think, like GabbiX2 said. And I've never really had anxiety problems.I get really frustrated with the drugs. I understand that my depression is most likely nothing but chemical, since my life is pretty darned good. But it scares me sometimes how much these drugs affect my mind. I get every side effect known, and haven't figured out what dosage I should have, whether I should try two different meds, etc. And I'm in an HMO, which throws me from doctor to doctor to doctor for each and every separate little thing. And even though they all know about one another, it's hard to coordinate care. Oh, sorry. Tangent. :-)
>
> For your peace of mind, remember you're a bright person, so even if you're not 100%, you're probably still doing OK. You're likely to be seeing your performance as worse than it is, since depression distorts everything to the negative.
<< Yeah, that's what a friend said. I just feel like I've slipped too far in performance this time around....but then, how come no one has said anything yet?>> Also, can you get any exercise on your lunch hour? That can help your mood.
<<I would *love* to do that. And am motivated to do that. I actually like working out in the middle of the day the best. But I sweat way too much (AD side effect), and don't really have enough time for exercise and a shower. And don't want to scare my coworkers. I've been walking my dog a good bit when I get home in the evening, and if I can get up the motivation, I'll walk her in the morning, too. When I used to do that, I felt a lot better.Thanks so much for the tips. Glad to know I'm not alone (although I wouldn't wish it on anyone else).
Susan
Posted by octopusprime on September 12, 2003, at 10:37:20
In reply to Re: Really Screwing Up At Work » Penny, posted by Susan J on September 12, 2003, at 9:10:46
> <<That's cool. I have a really great friend whom I used to work with. She's now in a much higher position, but we still work in the same field and run into one another a lot. I told her I wasn't really up to par on my work, and she told me I've been such a good worker, that my bosses are more likely to accept slow work from me than someone else, and not be too upset by it. I'm not phrasing that very well. But basically, I have a good reputation, they'll cut me some slack.
>
> Great, and made me feel better. But how long will they cut me some slack?/delurk
Susan J, I am reading a book called "Hey, Nostradamus" right now. (fiction, by Douglas Coupland)
One of the main characters in the book says that most people are preoccupied by a problem that takes 70% of their brain energy. I highly doubt that you are that problem to your boss and coworkers; they are probably too preoccupied with their own work/home lives/other problems to notice.
At least that was my experience of working while depressed. I felt I got nothing done, but when evaluation time came along, I wound up being praised for the things I did do!
(I did work because eventually I got restless at my desk, and did some work out of sheer boredom!)
Good luck, it's tough coming back from vacation and getting back into the swing of things. Cut yourself some slack. I'm sure in a few weeks time you will be able to put a tiny dent in the pile on your desk, if only out of restlessness.
Posted by Susan J on September 12, 2003, at 10:49:02
In reply to Re: Really Screwing Up At Work, posted by octopusprime on September 12, 2003, at 10:37:20
>> One of the main characters in the book says that most people are preoccupied by a problem that takes 70% of their brain energy. I highly doubt that you are that problem to your boss and coworkers; they are probably too preoccupied with their own work/home lives/other problems to notice.
>
> At least that was my experience of working while depressed. I felt I got nothing done, but when evaluation time came along, I wound up being praised for the things I did do!
<<Hey, thanks. That's true. I'm insignificant really, in their world, until I cause problems. I just had a talk with my boss, who is very sympathetic. He asked how things were going, and I told him not well. Couldn't concentrate, etc. He told me he's had problems with depression, too (which I kind of guessed, since he doesn't seem to be the type of guy to be so sympathetic to this), and that he'd actually be institutionalized for it and on thorazine.Anyway, he told me to live in the "hear and now" because most people with depression are looking behind them at what they've done or looking ahead wondering if they'll ever be able to do anything else. They don't live in the present. I don't know how true that is for depressed people, but it's ALWAYS been true for me. So, since I like him so much, I'm really going to try and buckle down and do something.....he's giving me a chance, I really shouldn't screw it up. Screwed up head or not...
>
> (I did work because eventually I got restless at my desk, and did some work out of sheer boredom!)
<<Hah. I would, too, out of being bored, but there's this little problem with having a great T1 line internet connection......
Thanks, though, for the kind words. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who's struggled with this....Susan
Posted by KimberlyDi on September 12, 2003, at 15:07:02
In reply to Really Screwing Up At Work, posted by Susan J on September 11, 2003, at 9:44:19
Susan,
I know that feeling of panic. While Effexor was helping me with anxiety and depression, my performance was suffering badly at work. My brain was fuzzy, global thinking overwhelmed me, and the slightest obstacles had me in tears. Once I was put on Strattera to help me focus, my work performance improved. I've thought for a long time that I had a touch of ADD/ADHD. My son does too.KDi in Texas
> I need help or I'm going to lose my job. I've been struggling with depression for a year and a half. I've had it before, but never this bad. Last summer was torture, crying ALL the time, couldn't focus, didn't do anything but lay on the couch. I came into work every day because if I stayed home alone I wanted to die.
>
> Last summer, at my lowest, I was actually getting some work done, though. Not quickly, but at least by deadlines.
>
> This summer, when I seem to feel a little better (not crying *every* day, no suicidal thoughts), I can't concentrate at work at all! I have one set of projects that I haven't even started since April, and I don't know why nobody has said anything to me. I know I should do them, but I feel paralyzed about dealing with them. I'm paralyzed from starting a lot of things that scare me. I have two projects ahead of me, not in my subject area, that I'm terrified to start, cuz I don't know *where* to start....
>
> End result, I'm not doing nearly as much work as I need to do. My boss knows I'm dealing with depression and seems to be understanding, but I haven't talked to him lately about it.
>
> I mean, it's absolutely TERRIFYING to me I can't make my brain work right to get my work done. After all, I get PAID to use my brain. That's all I'm supposed to do.
>
> Is this type of fear of starting a project for fear of failure, etc. a normal symptom of depression? What can I do to cope? My therapist really hasn't given me much guidance here. Have any of you dealt with this? What did you do?
>
> I'm single. I'm the only paycheck. I have a house I don't want to lose. A way of life I don't want to lose. ??
>
> Please.....any thoughts would be really appreciated.....
>
> Susan
Posted by Dinah on September 12, 2003, at 18:29:29
In reply to Really Screwing Up At Work, posted by Susan J on September 11, 2003, at 9:44:19
Wish I had the answer. My bosses have been letting me know my work is not timely for a while now. Sigh. It's so hard to focus when I'm not feeling well. Fortunately, I have cyclothymia, so there are times I feel really well, and catch up then. But that's not the best way to work.
My main problem is attention, concentration, and memory. I always blame the medications, and maybe that is part of the problem.
This is the end of the thread.
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