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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on August 15, 2003, at 18:56:17
Does it make it harder or easier that people can't *see* what's wrong with us? I guess I lean both ways, but at the moment I'm leaning towards harder.
My therapist told me that I just need to go ahead and do my work, no matter how I feel. Oooohhhhh, (smacks head), of course!!! My problems are solved. Just go ahead and do my work anyway. Geez, why didn't I think of that?
Seems so simple. G*d knows, I wonder all the time if I'm just lazy. And I cover so well for everyone that I *know* they think I'm just lazy. I try so hard to appear normal. Everyone thinks I just need to try harder. I feel like I'm letting everyone down and I am. And even my therapist tells me I just need to try harder.
Then a day like today happens, and I remember that I'm not just lazy. I experience the paralysis of thought that accompanies my little upsets. Or not total paralysis, some thoughts come through, but they're incoherent. Half of them don't make any sense at all, are just words strung together in what aren't even complete sentences. The other half dark and irrational. Jumbled inchoate images of rage.
Today I wanted to make the invisible visible. Mark myself in such a way that makes it clear that I can't just do it anyway. That asking me to just do it anyway is no different than asking any other handicapped person to do what is beyond their capacity. I wanted to quit acting so high functioning. I wanted to stop the exhausting fight to appear normal. Why do I try anyway? Who is it helping? Only those people who want yet more of me. I wanted to act as crazy as I feel.
And then the doubts creep in again. Maybe I am just a malingerer. Maybe I'm not ill enough to have the right to consider myself ill. Maybe I am high functioning and just lazy.
Posted by zenhussy on August 15, 2003, at 19:07:15
In reply to Invisible nature of this illness, posted by Dinah on August 15, 2003, at 18:56:17
Dinah,
Look through the archives of your posts over the years you have contributed here.
This statement really struck me: >>...Maybe I'm not ill enough to have the right to consider myself ill. Maybe I am high functioning and just lazy.<<
DM, perhaps today feeling low you might believe this but I guarantee that if you were to print out each and every post you've made to these boards over the years you would *see* that you have an illness and it ain't laziness! ; )
Really. I'm sorry you're having a tough day and that you are now on the search again for a knowledgable pdoc to assist in the meds not only for your dx but also for the diabetes. I wish you luck in finding a smart one fast.
So please just chalk today up to a blah day and next time you're thinking that where you're at or how you're doing is because of laziness just post and I'll set ya straight. I could even pull posts from the archives to outline the growth and insights you've achieved while working with the professionals (yourself included bookworm woman) over these years.
Please be gentle with yourself DM.
Take care.
zenhussy
Posted by Dinah on August 15, 2003, at 20:21:02
In reply to Re: Invisible nature of this illness » Dinah, posted by zenhussy on August 15, 2003, at 19:07:15
I'll print out your post along with mine and bring them along to the next session to remind him. Goodness knows, he's seen me at my worst (worse even than here), and should know.
In mitigation to what he said, he did keep me after session and made sure to impress on me to remember all the things he told me after that. Unfortunately, I had dissociated after his sage advice, and didn't hear whatever nice things he said.
Oh well.
Posted by slinky on August 15, 2003, at 20:50:46
In reply to Invisible nature of this illness, posted by Dinah on August 15, 2003, at 18:56:17
Dinah....
>And even my therapist tells me I just need to try harder.
..give me her/his phone number and I'll give 'em a verbal slapping.
Posted by Dinah on August 15, 2003, at 20:57:38
In reply to Re: Invisible nature of this illness » Dinah, posted by slinky on August 15, 2003, at 20:50:46
LOL. Thanks, Slinky. I was planning a verbal one for next time I see him.
Posted by Ted on August 15, 2003, at 21:17:16
In reply to Invisible nature of this illness, posted by Dinah on August 15, 2003, at 18:56:17
> Does it make it harder or easier that people can't *see* what's wrong with us?
Harder. They can't feel the mental torment, emotional pain, the medication-induced chemical lobotomies, etc. They will never understand the loss of interest in everyday things. They will never understand our sometimes impulsive behavior and what causes it.
And often I think it is better that way.
Ted
Posted by fallsfall on August 16, 2003, at 10:42:21
In reply to Invisible nature of this illness, posted by Dinah on August 15, 2003, at 18:56:17
I have never seen anything on this board that would make me think that you are lazy. My sense is that you have heard that you are lazy from enough people that you believe it - but that deep inside you you know that it isn't true.
>Today I wanted to make the invisible visible. Mark myself in such a way that makes it clear that I can't just do it anyway. That asking me to just do it anyway is no different than asking any other handicapped person to do what is beyond their capacity. I wanted to quit acting so high functioning. I wanted to stop the exhausting fight to appear normal. Why do I try anyway? Who is it helping? Only those people who want yet more of me. I wanted to act as crazy as I feel.
As I read this paragraph, I had a very strong urge to give you some crayons (they smell wonderful) and a blank piece of paper. There have been times (quite a few, actually), when I have been able to express something in art (picture or sculpture) that I couldn't say in words. (This is what art therapy is all about) And it is less hurtful to you.
You are high functioning and ill, not high functioning and lazy.
(((((Dinah)))))
This is the end of the thread.
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