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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Penny on June 27, 2003, at 9:14:47
Why does being at work make me want to cry? I feel much much worse when I'm here. Wake up sick in the morning, with a headache, and feel down all day. My office is on the third (top) floor of my building, with only grad students, a few admins, and faculty offices. And I'm at the end of the hall, so no one even comes by my door. Which is okay, I guess, but I'm so isolated. I feel quite lonely.
At the same time, I avoid going downstairs as much as possible. It makes me nauseated and extremely anxious to have to meet with my boss, even though he's always been nothing but good to me. I was out earlier this week, though, and week before last for two days, as I had a headache and nausea and just generally wasn't feeling well, and he looked at me yesterday like he didn't really believe there was anything wrong.
Of course, the headaches and nausea aren't the main problem, though they don't make it any easier. The real problem is that I would prefer to just be in bed with the covers over my head and stay there. I've said this before on this board and someone said "You'd get tired of that" and maybe I would, but it would be a nice break to get away from having to deal with real life for a while. Money problems, relationship problems (or lack-of-relationship problems), roommate/best friend issues, work issues, school, etc. It just seems overwhelming and too much for me right now!
I found myself wanting to drive into something the other evening when I was out. I was on this long stretch of infrequently traveled highway and there were many opportunities for me to just run my car off the road either into something or down a steep incline. I didn't, but I really really wanted to.
I feel like crying. Right now, usually, on Fridays, I meet with my boss at 10 a.m. Yesterday I asked him if we could chat then since I had set up an appointment for today at 10:30 to interview someone and since I didn't have much to update him on anyway. We talked a bit, but I left a little unclear as to whether he still wanted to meet today or not. I'm not on his calendar, so I'm assuming not, but I emailed him to be sure, and haven't heard from him and yet, here I sit, on pins and needles wondering if he's expecting me and getting upset with me and so on.
I feel like a terrible person, a terrible employee, like I don't deserve this job. And I'm totally sabotaging myself, making it harder than it is, making myself not come across that well. I know I'm capable of so much more, but right now I just want to cry.
Sorry for griping, for those of you who actually took the time to read this pitiful post.
Penny
Posted by Dinah on June 27, 2003, at 9:25:08
In reply to work... :-(, posted by Penny on June 27, 2003, at 9:14:47
Didn't you say that this isn't really what you want to be doing? That you're going back to school to become a nurse?
I understand those overwhelmed feelings. Everything so big and I feel so small and I just want to run away but there's nowhere to run. And then all I can do is put one foot in front of the other, and hope that things will get done. Or more often I mentally zone out and make things even worse and more overwhelming.
Did these feelings start with your med change?
Posted by Penny on June 27, 2003, at 10:24:36
In reply to Re: work... :-( » Penny, posted by Dinah on June 27, 2003, at 9:25:08
> Didn't you say that this isn't really what you want to be doing? That you're going back to school to become a nurse?
Yes. I originally moved back to Chapel Hill to prepare for medical school, but the stress of med school and the medical profession (being a physician specifically) is not exactly conducive to good mental health! The suicide rate among med students is quite high. So, after much internal debate and stress, I decided that nursing is a better fit for me. Unfortunately, I didn't have any of my sciences since I was a journalism major in college, so I have prereqs to do, and I have to work and make enough money to live on while I'm in school. :-b
It's just miserable...
>
> I understand those overwhelmed feelings. Everything so big and I feel so small and I just want to run away but there's nowhere to run. And then all I can do is put one foot in front of the other, and hope that things will get done. Or more often I mentally zone out and make things even worse and more overwhelming.
>
> Did these feelings start with your med change?Not really. I've been feeling this way for a long time, though recently, with my decent into the Pit, it's gotten much worse. I've been in this job for 8 months now, feel like I haven't accomplished a thing (not exaggerating here), and still don't feel a part of this department. It just doesn't feel like a good fit, even though the position is exactly what I was trained for. I dunno... I just feel lost and hopeless and the depression, of course, doesn't help matters.
Guess we all do what we have to do, or we don't. Those are kind of our only options...
Penny
Posted by fallsfall on June 27, 2003, at 22:54:35
In reply to work... :-(, posted by Penny on June 27, 2003, at 9:14:47
"Overwhelmed" is my favorite word. The only thing that I have found that helps is to reduce expectations. It's amazing what you do that you really don't HAVE to do. I'd be embarassed to tell you how often I do laundry, grocery shop, vaccuum my floors etc. I bet noone would notice if you didn't iron your shirts (iron??? what's that?), or if you bought your lunch instead of making it at home, or if you only read through the memo once instead of twice looking for errors (or maybe don't read through it again at all!). See if you can find something to let go, and tell yourself that you are doing it for YOU.
I am the queen of isolation, but it is really bad for me. While it is hard to go see people and talk to them, and I always feel like I sound like an idiot, I definately feel better when I'm with other people. Last week after I had such a terrible session with my old therapist I felt really, really awful. Really awful. Finally I typed something in (and it didn't really make sense) and sent it to my friend. I knew I couldn't talk on the phone. Just sharing made me feel so much better.
Please be careful when you drive. For me, the difference between being suicidal and not is whether I have hope. Do you have hope?
You are capable of more, but right now you can't do it. You need to get back to a healthier state and then you will be able to do more. Go easy on yourself. You can't be superbly wonderful every day, some days you will only be wonderful.
But we'll like you even on the days you are only wonderful. Try to like yourself.
Posted by noa on June 28, 2003, at 13:06:45
In reply to work... :-(, posted by Penny on June 27, 2003, at 9:14:47
Penny, it is hard to tell if it is just the situation and feeling overwhelmed, or if you aren't adequately medicating your depression. You do sound pretty depressed.
But given that, I'm impressed that you can actually get yourself to work. I know how strong that force is to keep me in bed--I have had times when it is like having to muster up anti-gravity forces to tear myself out of bed and get ready for work.
Posted by yesac on June 28, 2003, at 16:57:05
In reply to Re: work... :-( » Dinah, posted by Penny on June 27, 2003, at 10:24:36
Hmmmm. I'm not even sure if I should mention this or not. Maybe it would be better not to... but... I live in CH too, well, carrboro. I work at unc too. I guess it was bound to happen. Small world. I'm sure we'll never "run into" each other, or even if we did, we wouldn't know it!
Posted by yesac on June 28, 2003, at 16:59:19
In reply to work... :-(, posted by Penny on June 27, 2003, at 9:14:47
> I found myself wanting to drive into something the other evening when I was out. I was on this long stretch of infrequently traveled highway and there were many opportunities for me to just run my car off the road either into something or down a steep incline. I didn't, but I really really wanted to.
I get that urge a lot. It comes and goes for me.
Posted by Penny on June 28, 2003, at 17:13:11
In reply to Re: work... :-( » Penny, posted by noa on June 28, 2003, at 13:06:45
> Penny, it is hard to tell if it is just the situation and feeling overwhelmed, or if you aren't adequately medicating your depression. You do sound pretty depressed.
Yeah - I am definitely pretty/very depressed right now. I didn't really like my job when I was doing well, and I really hate it right now.
Pdoc and I recently fiddled with the meds some, since I had been doing well for a while but was having some trouble staying awake in the daytime, so he was trying to help me with that. When I started slipping, he put me immediately back on the med I had dropped (I was only taking the lowest dose when I dropped it anyway) and increased my AD dose, but it doesn't seem to be working. Of course, there are other circumstances involved that aren't making things any easier. Fortunately, my therapist isn't opposed to seeing me 2x a week when I'm feeling this way.
Thanks.
Posted by Penny on June 28, 2003, at 17:15:16
In reply to oh my goodness... » Penny, posted by yesac on June 28, 2003, at 16:57:05
> Hmmmm. I'm not even sure if I should mention this or not. Maybe it would be better not to... but... I live in CH too, well, carrboro. I work at unc too. I guess it was bound to happen. Small world. I'm sure we'll never "run into" each other, or even if we did, we wouldn't know it!
Oh wow. Yeah, I'm in Carrboro too. What a small world...
True, we wouldn't know if we ran into each other, but this certainly is interesting!
Posted by Penny on June 28, 2003, at 17:17:29
In reply to Re: oh my goodness..., posted by Penny on June 28, 2003, at 17:15:16
Posted by Dinah on June 28, 2003, at 19:54:59
In reply to Re: work... :-( » Penny, posted by yesac on June 28, 2003, at 16:59:19
> > I found myself wanting to drive into something the other evening when I was out. I was on this long stretch of infrequently traveled highway and there were many opportunities for me to just run my car off the road either into something or down a steep incline. I didn't, but I really really wanted to.
>
> I get that urge a lot. It comes and goes for me.
Yeah, me too. I use it as a diagnostic tool. You know: I'm sleeping badly, I feel like crying all the time, I want to swerve my car into something. I just worry one day, I won't be sufficiently on guard against acting on it, so it becomes an OCD thing.
This is the end of the thread.
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