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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by whiterabbit on April 27, 2003, at 1:47:57
I'm ditching the white rabbit personality for now
(always late, no time for myself and terrified of displeasing somebody) to assume the much wiser position of the Cheshire-cat. I'd like to point the way through this section of the woods that I've navigated myself, if you care to stop and listen for a minute.There are some basic truths about life that are pretty much not well-known or simply not valued in the western world. I'm not a doctor or philosopher or prophet, I'm just a survivor. Still, I'm trying to think of things that I would put on a list myself if I were in charge of sending babies from heaven to earth. Here are the instructions I would send with all babies:
1.) The more water you drink, the better you'll feel. This sounds too simple to be true but it is.
Water lubricates and flushes toxins from your body. If you think about it, the most basic laws in our environment can be compared to the marvelous systems in our bodies. Orthopedics (bone structure) operates on the same principles as architecture, engineering and carpentry. The "sewage system" in our internal structure depends on water in much the same way. So get into the water habit in whatever way entices you,
whether it's a bottle of Evian or a glass of club soda with a lemon slice or a "Big Gulp" cup with tap water and lots of ice. While this is a really good every-day habit, it's CRUCIAL when you're drinking too much alcohol or taking a lot of medication (that's why patients are usually hooked up to IV bags of salt water in the hospital). Dehydration is a major factor in hangovers and confusion or disorientation from medication. Drink your water.2.) Take care of yourself first. Some people are naturally selfish but a lot of us worry way too much about the spouse and the kids and the boss and ------ (fill in the blank) while we run ourselves ragged trying to meet all their wants. (Not their needs, but their WANTS.) This is not only unproductive, it's destructive. The people you are spoiling will not only expect the same standard on a daily basis, they will demand more and appreciate less as time goes on. You really do have to sit down and figure out exactly where to draw the line in this kind of situation, it's
a real mistake to continually indulge someone past the point of what you do know (even subconciously) to be reasonable limits, or they will continue to suck the life right out of you.
Sit down and give some deep thought as to what you're willing to tolerate from others, then think some more about what would really make YOU feel better for a change. If you don't block out time to recharge your own batteries, your ability to care for others will eventually drain away.
Then you can't help yourself or anyone else. That's why the flight attendant tells you to put the oxygen mask on first before you worry about the kids.3.) Get help when you need it. Not only is it unnecessary to be strong all the time and try to power through every crisis on your own, it's actually kind of dumb. It isolates you from the people who are mystified by your behavior and makes them feel helpless in return. When the tide starts to pull you under, yell at those people who are in a position to help you. They would be devestated if you didn't even give them a chance to save you before your body washed up on the shore.
4.) As soon as you can, try to accept the fact that you'll never please everyone all the time and you'll be crushed if you try. Every single person in that world out there is as individual as their DNA, and it's one of life's biggest tragedies that we spend so much of our time and energy trying to conform and impress and convince other people (and ourselves) that we're just as good or better than they are. The real irony is that many of the people we truly admire and wish to emulate according to our own values (think Bill Gates, Andy Warhol, Albert Einstein) were
fiercely determined to follow their own star rather than worry about fitting in and being accepted by the right people. Celebrate your individuality and go with your personal strengths.5.) Learn to trust yourself. We're always so terrified that we'll just never be able to handle whatever comes along when this really is a totally unjustified fear. We've managed to deal with trouble in the past and draw courage from a source inside ourselves that we didn't know existed. We've done it before and we'll do it again, and each experience will teach us to handle the next crisis with a little less fear and a little more dignity and grace.
6.) Nothing in life needs to be perfect. Keep repeating this to yourself, especially if you're struggling with OCD. It's a huge and terrifying waste of precious time and energy to demand perfection from yourself on whatever you're obsessing over, because it's just not that important. This is a hard one because I believe that it's related more to how your brain is wired than anything you've learned, like a computer glitch (a dramatic example of this is Tourettes Syndrome, which is unrelated to intelligence). Still, try to keep a little perspective on whatever it is that you're trying to make perfect,
if the time and labor you're devoting to the project will actually make a real difference to you or anyone else. Maybe not.7.) Try not to care so much about blending in. If you're working yourself into a frenzy over what others will think of you at the party or the new class, there's a time-honored formula to fall back on. Wear dark colors and look bored.
Good luck!
-Gracie
Posted by daizy on April 27, 2003, at 12:10:41
In reply to Rules for life according to the cheshire cat, posted by whiterabbit on April 27, 2003, at 1:47:57
Wise Cheshire cat ;-)
Posted by gabbix2 on April 27, 2003, at 13:33:51
In reply to Rules for life according to the cheshire cat, posted by whiterabbit on April 27, 2003, at 1:47:57
Gracie, you make me laugh, you inspire me, you leave me speechless, you are a masterpiece.
Thank you.
Posted by Dinah on April 27, 2003, at 13:37:31
In reply to Rules for life according to the cheshire cat, posted by whiterabbit on April 27, 2003, at 1:47:57
But do I have to drink the water? Can I substitute Koolaid? Or does anyone know any water that won't bust the budget AND doesn't taste revolting?
(My husband hates that the only water I like, because it's the only water I've found with absolutely no taste, is Evian.)
Posted by whiterabbit on April 27, 2003, at 17:40:57
In reply to Re: Wise words indeed, posted by Dinah on April 27, 2003, at 13:37:31
Gabbix - thank you sweetie, ya'll do the same for me. Too bad my husband doesn't think so highly of me, but at least writing and reading your posts helps to take my mind off the philandering.Dinah - I often drink Mendota, which is carbonated water flavored with unsweetened strawberry or lime, or you can buy it unflavored.
A 12-pack costs about $3.00 around here. Or if you don't like it unsweetened you can make an Italian soda by pouring in a little flavored syrup
(you can tell I hang out in bookstores eh). Or how about green tea? I believe it's only mildly diuretic and it's loaded with antioxidants.
-Gracie
Posted by fayeroe on April 27, 2003, at 22:07:12
In reply to Rules for life according to the cheshire cat, posted by whiterabbit on April 27, 2003, at 1:47:57
and what would be the rules for dealing with a landlady who is definitely mentally ill and loves you one day and hates you the next? she is getting a divorce and it has turned her personality into a dr. jekyll and mr. hyde and i am too vulnerable to deal with her. she came at 9 tonight (i had a huge yardsale today and was exhausted) and screamed and screamed about nothing. i never know what her mojo is going to be. or whether she even has one. i've talked to other people that know her and she is the same with them. i need to stay here and have the big yard for the dogs but not at the risk of my sanity? any ideas on defusing the anger that she is obviously feeling about her hubby? i THINK that i can move next door but won't know for a few days and she is going to make my life hell if she sees me outdoors......HELP!!!! and i've tried toughlove, sweetlove, understanding, listening and coming inside.......i banned her for three months once!
Posted by whiterabbit on April 28, 2003, at 8:24:32
In reply to Re: Rules for life according to the cheshire cat » whiterabbit, posted by fayeroe on April 27, 2003, at 22:07:12
Well hell I don't know the "best" thing to do but if it was me, I'd do whatever I had to do to see if I could get the place next door. At least it wouldn't be as traumatic as moving across town. You shouldn't have to live under siege, who needs that. You're not going to be able to reason with her and she's not going to get any better if she's not taking medication, and if she's got something like Alzheimers then she won't get a whole lot better anyway. I wonder if her family is trying to do anything for her.
-Gracie
Posted by WorryGirl on April 28, 2003, at 9:00:04
In reply to Rules for life according to the cheshire cat, posted by whiterabbit on April 27, 2003, at 1:47:57
Thanks. Very applicable and appreciated. I've always liked your caring posts.
Posted by fayeroe on April 28, 2003, at 9:49:20
In reply to Attack of the Landladies » fayeroe, posted by whiterabbit on April 28, 2003, at 8:24:32
Gracie: her younger husband has left her and her family lives far away. I could smell alcohol last night. And this morning, before dawn, someone pounded on the door and I thought it was her again. Had it been, I was going to call the cops. But it was a poor soul wanting the chest of drawers that I had set out by the curb! duh? So, she's got me freaked big time! My friends are rallying around and we'll get me moved out in the middle of the night!!! She called me a dried up old hag. Do you think she knows our past poster who sent me a private message calling me that? te he........I'm a proud 59 and look 45. But I had a big yard sale yesterday and there won't be much to move. So there!!! And thanks for responding. She's pretty scary. I actually have thought before that she uses speed. Pat
Posted by leeran on April 28, 2003, at 11:43:15
In reply to Re: Attack of the Landladies » whiterabbit, posted by fayeroe on April 28, 2003, at 9:49:20
Oh gosh, Pat - I feel for you. I have always found landlords to be very intimidating. In my opinion, the word landlord connotes reckless power.
My most traumatic landlord experience was back in college.
My friend and I shared an apartment and the landlady sounds similar to yours (but we were in our late teens and very easy to intimidate). She was a rather stout women with with a beehive that skimmed door jambs. I did my best to avoid ever running into her.
Her maintenance man (also her husband) was a big burly guy who was afraid of her as well (everyone was). One afternoon he gave us the word that he would be turning off the water for several hours.
My roommate, who got stoned at the drop of a hat and would immediately follow a joint with ice cream, set the dirty bowl over the drain and turned on the water to rinse out the bowl. You can see where this is going . . .
We blithely took off to visit my husband (then boyfriend) at his fraternity house, since we didn't have any water in the apartment, and didn't return for hours.
When we did, the husband was waiting for us in our apartment. The overflowing sink had seeped into their apartment below . . . running in rivulets (or rivers?) behind his wife's red velvet Victorian wallpaper, coming dangerously close to ruining her antique doll collection.
My roommate (still stoned, kind of a perpetual state for her that eventually resulted in a parting of the ways) started laughing uncontrollably.
As usual, I was horrified (I use that word frequently as it describes my internal state in these types of situations) and since I wasn't stoned (always too afraid of getting caught - the original Bill Clinton non-inhaler), it was easier for him to direct his rightful anger toward me.
By the grace of God, the wife had gone to visit her mother overnight.
He promised he would never tell her and that he thought he had caught it in time, but at the end of the lecture (which I don't fault him for in the least, I would have felt the same way) he leaned over and grabbed my nose between his fingers, that still smelled like plumber's grease, and shook my head back and forth several times and said "but don't you ever, ever, ever do it again."
A few years later, I saw an article about him in the paper. He had gone out to a Norman Bates style hotel on the edge of town and used a gun to end it all.
Posted by fayeroe on April 28, 2003, at 12:11:24
In reply to Re: Attack of the Landladies » fayeroe, posted by leeran on April 28, 2003, at 11:43:15
oh my god, i was crying when i saw i had mail and thank god it was you! i am laughing so hard that i fear a change of clothing may be coming....i lived in a boarding house in college and are you sure that we did not have the same "husband" landlord. we called him "loopytroop" behind his back. his name was landtroop. he stole our panties out of our rooms and wore them on his head at night! one of us caught him one night after he thought we were all gone on dates!!!! and then our mailman window peeped and i slammed the window on his hands!! oh my god!!!! thank you!
Posted by leeran on April 28, 2003, at 12:18:40
In reply to Re: Attack of the Landladies » leeran, posted by fayeroe on April 28, 2003, at 12:11:24
Pat!
I've heard of party hats - but never panty hats!!!
Oh my, this will give me something to internally smile about as I grimace in the dental chair.
LOL!
Lee
Posted by noa on April 28, 2003, at 17:21:24
In reply to Re: Rules for life according to the cheshire cat » whiterabbit, posted by fayeroe on April 27, 2003, at 22:07:12
I had a psychotic landlady once. I mean that literally. Only it turned out she wasn't even the real landlady!!
It was actually owned by her mom, who set her up in a condo, where she recieved her social security check and, I'm sure, other financial support from her mother.
The mother lived in another state.
I was desparately seeking a place to live. The place I was renting was being sold and I was being evicted. I was quite poor then, and therefore very limited in what I could afford. And, typically you had to pay--up front--first and last months' rent plus a security deposit equal to one month's rent AND very often a "finder's fee" (a real racket!!) equal to one month's rent. I searched high and low. Part of the strategy was getting up really early on Sunday mornings to look in the ads and then calling right away and bouncing over to look at the place, hoping to be the very first person to see it.
So I call, and a realtor tells me about the place. Like the place I was being evicted from, it was rent controlled, but it was way cheaper than what I had been paying (the rent control rules about rent levels were based on a frozen moment in time in 1970 and had nothing to do with the apartment itself). It was, in fact, cheaper than dirt-cheap. It was so absurdly cheap, I was beside myself. So, she takes me to see it. It was a mess, but the market was tight, and, of course, it was cheap, so I took it. The next day, I met the "owner" and signed the lease, set up day to move, get keys, etc.
Well, when I got there to move in the mess was 1000 times worse. She had left no working telephone number to reach her at, and I paid the rent via the realtor, who forwarded it to her. I called the realtor about the junk left in the apt. and she agreed with me that I should leave anything of any value in the building basement, and just throw the rest away. So I did. And I cleaned and cleaned, etc.e tc. and made it decent. It was still roach-infested and drab but I was working on that stuff. It was in a great neighborhood, a safe building, and oh, yeah, did I mention that it was cheap?
A few days after I moved in, the craziness began. The "landlady" showed up at the front door. She wanted me to collect her SS checks for her and forward them to an adress clear across the country. I asked why she couldn't have them forwarded herself (I suspected more or less why, but still thought she owned the place). I refused anyway.
I promptly changed the locks on my apartment door.
Then, she came back and wanted to know what I had done with her "stuff". By "stuff" she means the mess she left when she supposedly moved out and I moved in. I told her that I had moved anything salvagable to the basement and she could retrieve them there (a mattress and a radio I think were the main things). The rest I had thrown out (trash and literally a three foot high stack of dirty dishes, etc.--ain't that ironic now?!).
Then, she started calling me to harass me about her "stuff". I stopped taking her calls, so she started calling my workplace and telling my boss I had stolen her radio.
Then it would be quiet for a while until she began calling in the middle of the night from accross the country, COLLECT!! Calling collect and thinking that I'd accept the charges really speaks to how crazy she was.
I was beginning to get spooked about all this when I got a call from the actual owner of the condo, her mother, who notified me that I needed to leave in 30 days. When I said I had a year's lease she told me it was invalid because her daughter had no legal right to lease the place because she was not the owner. She also told me that her daughter was schizophrenic. I guess I could have sued the realtor for leasing me a place without the owner's knowledge or consent, but it never even occurred to me back then. I wonder if the owner sued them.
Luckily, I did manage to find another place to live, just by sheer luck, although it again involved the first, last, security and finder's fee, which was especially a racket because the "finder" did not FIND the place for me, I found him and even worse, he was really the OWNER in every way except for the legal loophole created by his family by putting the building "in trust".
The whole thing was rather traumatic, but frankly, my whole housing situation in those years was crisis ridden due to my financial situation and the tight housing market.
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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