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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by kara lynne on April 18, 2003, at 0:26:57
In reply to Pissy, snipey, itchy and scratchy., posted by kara lynne on April 17, 2003, at 20:55:31
That's not fair. I can't stay grumpy in the face of a compliment. More than that I was rebelling against feeling like I have to be witty about my grumpiness as I feel so witless. Then you went and liked my post, upsetting the delicate balance of my sense of failure. Uh oh, I can see some light, quick--get the sunglasses! Thanks noa.
The Anti-Kara
Posted by leeran on April 18, 2003, at 1:44:01
In reply to Pissy, snipey, itchy and scratchy., posted by kara lynne on April 17, 2003, at 20:55:31
If I've ever "felt" a post it was this one! Damn! Were you in my head yesterday? Is there a full moon?
Your words evoke a visceral reaction. I want to take my bra off and beat the wall with it or something.
Can anyone honestly say they haven't felt the way you described (at least in part) in this post? I think I'll copy and paste it, too! Words like yours deserve to be archived on as many hard drives as possible.
I hope you feel better. Really, you should. You have the gift of turning your words into a cinematic lens.
Posted by kara lynne on April 18, 2003, at 1:53:56
In reply to Re: Pissy, snipey, itchy and scratchy. » kara lynne, posted by leeran on April 18, 2003, at 1:44:01
I want to take my bra off and beat the wall with it or something.
leeran, I love it, let's go!!
Posted by leeran on April 18, 2003, at 1:58:02
In reply to Re: Pissy, snipey, itchy and scratchy., posted by kara lynne on April 18, 2003, at 1:53:56
"leeran, I love it, let's go!!"
What music would be playing in the background? Sid Vicious and the Sex Pistols? The Beastie Boys?
There has to be a soundtrack for behavior like this.
Posted by Tabitha on April 18, 2003, at 2:18:28
In reply to Re: Pissy, snipey, itchy and scratchy. » kara lynne, posted by leeran on April 18, 2003, at 1:58:02
my bra is already off.. can I use the belt of my bathrobe? hmm, doesn't quite have the same impact.
Posted by kara lynne on April 18, 2003, at 2:20:48
In reply to Re: Pissy, snipey, itchy and scratchy. » kara lynne, posted by leeran on April 18, 2003, at 1:58:02
Hmm. I don't know, I'll have to think carefully about that. I'm just so relieved that I don't have to feel ashamed of my shameful feelings.
Posted by leeran on April 18, 2003, at 2:23:22
In reply to Re: Pissy, snipey, itchy and scratchy., posted by Tabitha on April 18, 2003, at 2:18:28
"my bra is already off.. can I use the belt of my bathrobe? hmm, doesn't quite have the same impact"
Well, I don't want to take anything away from the common belt robe, but there's nothing quite like the whang of an underwire on drywall.
Posted by leeran on April 18, 2003, at 2:30:35
In reply to Re: Pissy, snipey, itchy and scratchy., posted by kara lynne on April 18, 2003, at 2:20:48
"I'm just so relieved that I don't have to feel ashamed of my shameful feelings."
Just say no to shameful feelings. And if you figure out how to do it - please email me the instructions!
I've often likened myself to Hester Prynne - but my scarlet letter is a "G" for guilt.
Posted by Tabitha on April 18, 2003, at 3:28:45
In reply to Re: Pissy, snipey, itchy and scratchy. » Tabitha, posted by leeran on April 18, 2003, at 2:23:22
OK woman, whang away.. but make sure to be careful when putting the bra back on.. it might not be quite so shape-conforming anymore
Posted by noa on April 18, 2003, at 13:16:38
In reply to Noa, posted by kara lynne on April 18, 2003, at 0:26:57
Oops, sorry I blew away the black cloud.
And what was so good about your writing was that it was anti-witty! I mean it was great because you WEREN'T trying to be witty. It was very direct and real and honest. Great poetry comes naturally when you aren't looking!
Posted by WorryGirl on April 18, 2003, at 13:28:04
In reply to Pissy, snipey, itchy and scratchy., posted by kara lynne on April 17, 2003, at 20:55:31
>I lost my place, only I never had one. I feel like I'm in high school belonging to not belonging like I always did.
This about sums it up for me...
Posted by kara lynne on April 18, 2003, at 16:09:47
In reply to Re: Pissy, snipey, itchy and scratchy. » kara lynne, posted by WorryGirl on April 18, 2003, at 13:28:04
...I always love to meet someone to worry with. It dawned on me this week exactly HOW much I worry about things. It's really astonishing. And so distressing because as you know, it helps so much to worry. It's kind of the religion I grew up with--don't believe in anything and just make sure to worry about everything all the time. Nice to hear from you.
Posted by kara lynne on April 18, 2003, at 16:32:32
In reply to Re: Noa, posted by noa on April 18, 2003, at 13:16:38
Hi noa. At least I can do real. And it is reassuring to know that real is enough, even though it doesn't feel like it. I am fighting the feeling that life is a popularity contest, a talent show. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I'm not very good at naming my tune, if you know what I mean. I have to fight the desire to punch someone when they ask me what I do.
I meant it about the perfectionism; I've been paralyzed by it in many ways. It's not easy to do things when you require yourself to know something perfectly before you ever learn it. That place where you get to explore who you are and how you express it was skillfully damaged--it is the place I'd like most to recover.
Posted by wendy b. on April 18, 2003, at 21:42:18
In reply to Pissy, snipey, itchy and scratchy., posted by kara lynne on April 17, 2003, at 20:55:31
just wanted to say i felt a lot of this today, too. there has been a full moon this week, i think.
EVERY thing was bothering me today, my slowness, my inability to concentrate when i have real work to do, my procrastination.
ever have those times when you think everyone and everything is setting out purposefully to bother and annoy YOU?
but then also the externals bother me: windy & cold when i want breezy and warm outside, but the absolute worst thing - the goober guy next door with "no visible means of support" (to continue with the BRA theme!), who starts this fricking truck he has in his crappy little back yard. every spring, it's a sure sign the weather is changing, when this guy revs up this lousy excuse for a flatbed. and it's not just a little vroom, vroom. no no, it's VROOM VROOOM, VROOM VROOM, VROOOOOM, VROOOOOM!!!! so loud you cannot even hear yourself think. i am working on a newsletter at my computer, does he not know that i am already having a tough time just opening a word document? and he does this over and over, the same revving, on and on. and it makes me nuts, i tell you, i scream with rage, the cat runs and hides under the couch. and if you've got a window open, woe betide you, because the wind is always blowing in such a way that this horrible exhaust floats right over to my yard and up and through my windows in my second-floor flat. i finally went outside to take the garbage out, and stood in my back yard next to the trash barrels, screaming at no one in particular, but out where this jackass could see me, expletive after expletive. i think i scared him, cuz a few minutes later he cut it out...
then went shopping in the middle of the afternoon on Good Friday, and of course everybody and their mother and their uncle was there, which i absolutely hate. of course, i didn't stop to think that this was the worst time of the day to do this chore. shopping carts dodging each other in every aisle, and everything i wanted to pick up and read the label, someone else was already there looking at the same package of basmati and wild rice that >> I << wanted to look at! why is that? and the vast numbers of people who have no consciousness that other people are there and actually shopping, too! ("so move your f___ing cart already! get away from those brussels sprouts, already!")
oh, the crankiness and irritability... got to get back on the neurontin...
commiseratingly yours,
wendy
Posted by kara lynne on April 18, 2003, at 22:44:16
In reply to Re: Pissy, snipey, itchy and scratchy. » kara lynne, posted by wendy b. on April 18, 2003, at 21:42:18
You mean all I need is a little Neurontin? Bring it on. I felt like I was with you in the brussel sprout aisle.
Posted by leeran on April 18, 2003, at 23:14:28
In reply to Re: Pissy, snipey, itchy and scratchy. » kara lynne, posted by wendy b. on April 18, 2003, at 21:42:18
"ever have those times when you think everyone and everything is setting out purposefully to bother and annoy YOU?"
Yes. Every single time I leave the house.
Posted by wendy b. on April 18, 2003, at 23:34:30
In reply to Re: Pissy, snipey, itchy and scratchy...wendy, posted by kara lynne on April 18, 2003, at 22:44:16
> You mean all I need is a little Neurontin? Bring it on. I felt like I was with you in the brussel sprout aisle.
thanks, i appreciate the understanding. i had really had it by then. i forgot to mention the very large pimple i got right on the top of my cheekbone last night, and i really don't get them any more, so when i do get the random one from time to time, it wrecks everything... can you believe that it can actually have the power to ruin any possibility of happiness for two days? but it does... i stand at the mirror and growl at myself and yell more expletives... luckily, my daughter is not here... ("mommy's losing it again! better take her to see 'Anger Management' "!) was thinking of going out tonight, but the possibility that someone might see me like this (i exaggerate, but i hate pimples) is so off-putting, i stay in. and this just annoys the hell out of me, too.hmmm... ever been on neurontin? it's quite an easy drug to take (in terms of liver and renal functioning, whatever your body cannot metabolize just gets peed out), and you can ramp up slowly, see how you feel. it's pretty gentle, as far as the anti-convulsant mood-stabilizers go. lots of people have negative reactions to topamax or lamictal... but i miss neurontin lately, because i feel the irritability slowly returning, like the tide, and i start hating myself when i get like this. and god knows, i don't want to hate myself, i want to be cool and carefree and easy-going, and i did feel that contentment and well-being with at least some neurontin. i even tapered down to see how it worked when i took less, and it was fine).
here's to a more even-tempered saturday,
wendy :-]
Posted by wendy b. on April 18, 2003, at 23:40:10
In reply to Re: Pissy, snipey, itchy and scratchy. » wendy b., posted by leeran on April 18, 2003, at 23:14:28
"ever have those times when you think everyone and everything is setting out purposefully to bother and annoy YOU?"
>
> Yes. Every single time I leave the house.i had a FEELING someone would know what i was talking about!
and it's not like i don't know that the depression and anxiety magnify my reactions to things, and make things ten times worse than they really are. but i just cannot lift myself out of it sometimes... i do know, in my rational brain, that everyone isn't out to ruin MY day. but it still does feel that way.
ah, the marvelous self-centeredness of the depressed! (nagging voice inside head: "everything's always ME ME ME...")
take care, dear,
wendy
Posted by lostsailor on April 19, 2003, at 0:04:20
In reply to Pissy, snipey, itchy and scratchy., posted by kara lynne on April 17, 2003, at 20:55:31
Oh, KL...I am so sorry. I know how you feel except i have not been in a relationship (or had, well you know, yet this centaury) "It" even for an agoraphobe like me, to be not that hard to find unless you actually want to see the person for more then a week or so.
This is "sad" coming from a male (based on stupid stereo types) but I am a "prude" and am proud of it. I can still count, remember the names ect of all my lovers except for one during college after partying a bit too much and waking up with her, but a bit too hung over to do more then offer to get some oj for us and give her my phone number. She never called. Lmao...
I think you made the right call with ex. I was not gonna post for a bit after an escapade I started earlier in the week, but wanted to say hi--see Letter from Aurora @ bottom of page.
Ex's suck...try this one as I know you want a family someday: my ex fiancé, who I SWORE to her that I would never leave her son, Mike, if something ever happened to us like his father did. She now uses him as a pawn to reunite us. Sure that will work!?!?!? I love seeing my "son" torn in the middle of all this. I worked in social work for a bit before all this made me go on "sabbatical"--ie, became a hermit. My pdoc is a children's specialist now, but still sees some of his patients that he had before specialization. I am lucky for that as he is great...and had to ask me to remember the developmental pysch classes I took, think about Mike, and pull away as much as it hurts ME. It is in his best interest, though, even though I know he does not really get it yet. Mutual friend's of my ex and I promised to help mike get in touch with me if needed or an emergency and will keep me posted about him. They also promised to get the two of us together once Vanessa grows up or Mike is a bit older (he's gonna be 10 soon). I agree with doc, though, keeping in touch will tear me apart, due to his mom, but really f him up considering he lives with her.
Ever see p-wee's big adventure. The movie pee-wee was in before being in that theater in FL playing with his "pp"??? In the film, he lost his bike and saw everyone else happy with his or her bikes while his was stolen. HE was sad. I can relate to him on that level as I have never outgrown bikes, but also see it as a metaphor for love. I see so many holding hands, flying kites, sitting at the park and, this is always hard, Christmas shopping and/or getting married. God, I am even supposed to go to my best-friends wedding this summer and don’t know if really can…he and I need to talk a bit. How on earth can so many be so happy. It makes me so po’ed…lol—sort of.
Maybe I will love again, maybe not. I have mom, aurora and a few "true" friends. Maybe that will be all. I have been in love once since my ex, it never seemed to work out as she had a jealous ex who could not leave either of us alone. God, how I wish he could have met my ex. they would have fallen in love and she would probably send me Mike just to get away with him and from her son!!!!
Red lights.... why does it take more demonstrated skill to legally drive than bear children.
UUUGGGGGGGG.....back to self-block status.
~tony
Posted by kara lynne on April 19, 2003, at 0:04:53
In reply to Re: Pissy, snipey, itchy and scratchy. » kara lynne, posted by wendy b. on April 18, 2003, at 21:42:18
I lost it today and it could have been dangerous. I turned into an ass in response to an ass. I keep thinking life is supposed to be fair. I forget that when someone cuts you off on the road you should thank them and blow them kisses, or risk death. This guy had to work hard to pull as rude a maneuver as he did.
So I honked.
Then we entered a parking lot and he saw me walking by. He leaned out his window and started in on me. That did it-- the berating on top of the rudeness. He told me to "...come over here and..." (I don't know how not to make it obscene). I think underneath it all I'm a fine person, and then this crazy woman comes out and gets into it with this guy.
I had store security walk me back to my car and I left. I was so pissed at myself, and humiliated. I was as scummy as the guy was ( for engaging. PMS, full moon, no impulse control. Later I kept thinking it was because I had nothing to look forward to. Would I have lost it so easily if I had something to look forward to? Not an excuse, just a thought.
Posted by leeran on April 19, 2003, at 0:19:20
In reply to Re: Pissy, snipey, itchy and scratchy. » leeran, posted by wendy b. on April 18, 2003, at 23:40:10
Wendy,
I agree. The rational part of the mind knows that everyone isn't out to ruin my day but sometimes it just seems like everyone is IN MY WAY.
I wonder if that isn't the anti-social aspect of depression rearing its ugly old head. It just "seems" like people are in my way because the prospect of dealing with them is currently so unappealing.
Maybe it IS the full moon. Do the tides corrode the face as well as the shoreline? I'm using Tazorac for acne right now and there is this "it's gonna get really bad before it gets better" phase that they warn you about, and I'm stuck in it this week. My face looks worse than it did in high school and I feel like the epitome of that old joke: "Does your face hurt?" - "No, why?" - "It's killing me." I made a dash to the seat facing the wall when we went out to eat tonight.
So, yeah, I can totally relate to the pimple situation. It makes me even more withdrawn and edgy. If only I could wear my hair like Cousin Itt on the Addams family . . .
I looked up "depression" and "acne" today and it seems that acne can make people more depressed, and depression causes an increase in sebum production. Talk about a vicious circle!
On another note, the way you described Neurontin sounds wonderful. All these drugs I had never heard of until I landed here a few weeks ago. I'm afraid to ask if it causes weight gain (something tells me it does?). I have an appointment with my psychiatrist Monday and maybe I'll mention it.
Take care, have a good weekend (hopefully free of the revving of your neighbor's old flat-bed), and may tomorrow dawn, pimple-less, in your neck of the woods.
Lee
Posted by kara lynne on April 19, 2003, at 0:31:22
In reply to Re: Pissy, snipey, itchy and scratchy... » kara lynne, posted by wendy b. on April 18, 2003, at 23:34:30
"ever have those times when you think everyone and everything is setting out purposefully to bother and annoy YOU?"
METOOMETOOMETOOMETOOMETOO
even the red lights!!
Just last week a friend of mine was talking about about how we become our zits. Our narrowed focus is truly impressive. I can so very much relate to you wendy, I love reading your posts. I want to say more but I'm burned out from the day (see other post) and I'm going to go watch some nice mind-dulling television.
Why did you stop taking Neurontin if it helped? I'd be so happy if all it took was Neurontin!
Posted by kara lynne on April 19, 2003, at 0:49:35
In reply to To Karra from ~tony forwarded from me, Aurora, posted by lostsailor on April 19, 2003, at 0:04:20
Hi Tony,
I love to hear from you, don't exile! What escapade? And what move did I make with my ex? (not sure if you're talking about an old post or have me confused with someone else...?) I'd LIKE to make a move, but don't seem to be able to at the moment.How long were you with your ex? It's got to be heart wrenching to see a child used that way, and to have to deal with the love and the loss yourself. Are you still having a lot of contact with them both? It probably will be much less painful in the longrun to make the clean break. Of course, I'm one to talk.
Sailor, you will love again. I know you will. And until then you are so lucky to be surrounded by your mom and a few true friends and a good doc-- those aren't easy to come by! And let us not forget the most important of all, Aurora.
Posted by lostsailor on April 19, 2003, at 1:35:58
In reply to Tony, posted by kara lynne on April 19, 2003, at 0:49:35
maybe it ws a while back. i remember the two of you going for away for a weekend and later you mentioning that it did not work out.
I thought , you later told "him" that you were done and he left basically saying, "that's ok" and nothing else. Maybe in the meantime you reconciled????
Maybe I have the wrong person.
Maybe I should call doc. he love to hear from me at 1-4 am. I bet he is angry at me when I don't call for a while and he actually gets full nights of rest, saying if only tony would call I'd wake up enough to make it to 5 am t-off and do a quik 18 holes nefore work.
I find it sad that he only makes about 240$ s an hour. poor guy, but boy can he write scripts...whew!!
~tony
Posted by Kar on April 19, 2003, at 8:25:32
In reply to Re: karra, posted by lostsailor on April 19, 2003, at 1:35:58
Ok, so the pimple thing. I'll try not to get graphic, but those of you who know me...well never mind. It depends on what kind it is. If it's one of cystic really painful one that you thought you could "tend to" and have ended up really defacing (ha!) yourself, then put some Neosporin on it and cover it with a bandaid over night. The swelling'll go down and it will help with the redness. The little fellers...well they sell those little patches that look like the tiny round bandaids. They have salicylic acid on/in them so when you stick one to your face it "attacks" the spot. I sound like a damn commercial. Anyway, I don't know if those little patches work THAT well but it sure makes you feel better to cover it AND get some medicine on it all in one shot. And the stuff can't rub off at night.
Can you tell I had complexion problems? it was in my Lithium days. Oy. But why why why doesn't it just end when we get older? Ridiculous. Teenagers..20's...30's...40's...
Ok re: road rage. People around here (NYC tri-state area) seem to have this entitlement problem. Well first off, we drive fast and aggressively here. I'm not an ass on the road but I drive fast. Defensively. Because you have to. But I can't stand it when people speed up intentionally so you can't get in, get so close to your bumper that they could be waving to you from your backseat, give you "mad honks" as opposed to "watch out" honks (in Germany they only honk when they HAVE to). And then these parents in their Lexus SUVs and minivans barrelling down on you like truckdrivers. You have a damn baby in that car! Is an SUV going to armor your whole family?? Anyway. Then there are the people that don't thank me when I'm nice (oh the world's just out to get me, huh?)...like when I let someone go ahead of me and they just go. That's what I meant about the entitlement. I've always thought though, that someone should invent little lit signs that you could have on your bumber and activate as needed: "sorry", "thanks", "oops", and maybe even screw you. but of course that can be conveyed in countless other ways. My mom has a good one. She gives people the sign of the cross!! Sometimes I blow people kisses jsut to piss them off because I think giving someone the finger just looks silly. Ineffective really. The kiss is good because it conveys a "I recognize that you've been an ass but I will not reply in kind"...kind of like a haha.
Whew. Deep breath in through the nose, out through the mouth, Karen
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