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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Miller on December 23, 2002, at 11:02:37
So, I decided that I need to share stuff about me in order for people to understand where my views come from. This will be pretty difficult for me. I decided I will break it into a couple of chapters.
I will not start with childhood, as I believe most people did NOT grow up in an ideal family. I don't think I have depression or mental issues because of what was done to me, but rather, what I have done to others.
The year I graduated from high school my parents divorced. While we grew up in Ohio, they chose to go live with their respective parents in other states. I felt VERY alone. My high school sweetheart asked me to marry him. I accepted. When we married, I was 19, he was 18. Noone from my family attended the wedding.
Since he was in the military, we moved to another state. I had no job, no friends, and no goals. Needless to say, he and I argued a lot. I finally found a job working at a local McDonalds. I hated it, but at least I had a purpose.
My husband was not overly abusive in the ways shown in movies or tv. I think because we were so young and so extreme in our emotions, he didn't know how to handle it. He would only get violent when pushed too far. In turn, I became violent. Not good.
He was then stationed in Korea. I was not allowed to go since, at that time, there was so much student uprising. He was gone for 18 months.
In teenage times, 18 months is forever. While he was gone, he maxed out the credit cards buying "souveniers" and gifts for everyone. He would call home (collect) at least two times a week. Our phone bills were outrageous. I was having a very difficult time meeting the bills. I picked up another job as well as working at McDonalds.
When he was about to come home for his first (and only) visit, he informed me that he had cheated on me when he first got to Korea. To make it worse (as if it could BE worse) he was with a prostitute. When I got upset, he couldn't understand it. He kept saying "You know it was over 6 months ago, let it go!!" Just because HE had 6 months to accept it, didn't mean I did. We fought the entire time he was home visiting.
We he left, I have to say, I flipped out. I started doing things I knew were wrong. I would drink WAY too much. I smoked weed a lot. I quit the McDonalds job. AND I began sleeping with a married man. In my mind, I had justified it because my husband had done it, why shouldn't I?
That shows what state of mind I had at that time.When my husband finally came home, we couldn't get along at all. We decided to call it quits. I never told him about the other guy. I did, however, let him feel dirty and guilty for his indescretion. (I know, what a bitch!! I agree.)
We were financially in the hole, big-time. He and I made an agreement to split the bills down the middle, even though he made quite a bit more money than I. I agreed to this to prevent him from filing bankruptcy. 10 days after the divorce was final, he filed bankruptcy anyway.
He had moved back to Ohio. I really had nothing to return to so I stayed. Things went down hill from there. I will go into the next phase during the next chapter of my saga.
Thanks to everyone for listening to this ranting. The next chapter will be more of a raving.
-Miller
Posted by IsoM on December 23, 2002, at 12:00:41
In reply to Plunging-- Chapter One, posted by Miller on December 23, 2002, at 11:02:37
Thank you for the disclosure & hope the pain won't be too much. I also hope it helps purge some of it, if possible.
I haven't been posting much other than brief comments. I'm having a bit of a tough time with winter. My empathy meter is on full throttle too & I seem to be feeling everyone's pain quite intensely - news leaves me with eyes filled with tears. But I laud your honesty in posting your life.
Posted by Lou Pilder on December 23, 2002, at 13:29:42
In reply to Plunging-- Chapter One, posted by Miller on December 23, 2002, at 11:02:37
Miller,
You wrote, [...I grew up in Ohio...]
I live in the Cincinnati area. Are you near?
Lou
Posted by Miller on December 23, 2002, at 20:07:11
In reply to Re: Plunging-- Chapter One » Miller, posted by IsoM on December 23, 2002, at 12:00:41
IsoM,
Thank you. I think I have decided that if people here are going to get to know me, they should know the real me. I don't like the "real" me as I see me, but maybe someone else could help me get past that.
I think purging may help. I know I won't be able to get it all out. But my shrink so desperately wants me to share this stuff with someone. Maybe if I let it out here (and my world doesn't colapse) I will feel safe enough to start sharing it with him.
I am sorry to hear that you are having a rough time. I used to love winter. I like cold weather better than hot. But this year EVERYTHING is different. I have been in such a funk, it's hard to tell one season from the next!
If you want to talk, let me know. I could use some emotional ping-pong. You toss me a morsel, and I'll toss you one. We can keep score or play a "gentleman's" game. (I am really trying to say if you want or need to talk, I'd be happy to.)
Thanks for the support.
-Miller
Posted by Miller on December 23, 2002, at 20:13:10
In reply to Re: Plunging-- Chapter One » Miller, posted by Lou Pilder on December 23, 2002, at 13:29:42
Lou,
I no longer live in Ohio. I really miss it, though. I grew up in Delaware. It is about 20 miles north of Columbus. The town has grown so much since I left it. I still get a liitle misty-eyed when I think too hard about not still being there.
By the way, Skyline chili is the best ever!! Yet, another thing I miss. Kings Island, Lake Erie, Buckeyes, calling soda "pop", and last but not least, believing I did not have an accent when I spoke. (I know better now!)
Lou, thanks for giving me some good memories. Feel free to share some of yours. Have you always lived in Cincinnati? I think that is one of the most beautiful towns in Ohio.
I also like Athens, Ohio. I think I am drawn to the hills, huh? Delaware didn't have any. But, they still had a small town atmosphere.
Thanks for the post. I hope to hear back from you soon.
-Miller
Posted by Lou Pilder on December 23, 2002, at 21:11:24
In reply to Re: Plunging-- Chapter One » Lou Pilder, posted by Miller on December 23, 2002, at 20:13:10
Miller,
Do you think that you will ever return to Ohio? I meet with 250 people in Columbus, Ohio that have overcome or are overcomming these afflictions and there is a dentist from Deleware there. You are invited. But are you too far away so that you might never return?.
Lou
Posted by Dinah on December 23, 2002, at 22:22:20
In reply to Plunging-- Chapter One, posted by Miller on December 23, 2002, at 11:02:37
Miller, I think that getting all the stuff out of the closet and being accepted afterwards is one of the most healing experiences. That's one thing that makes therapy so valuable. There are worse places to do it than on an anonymous internet board. And if it helps you to be able to share it with your therapist, then so much the better.
(And now for a note of caution from the ever-cautious me. This place feels like a cozy room sometimes, and it feels like you're sharing with friends. But remember this bulletin board can be read by anyone with internet access and is even indexed by google. So while it's great to be open with your innermost secrets and internal processes, be careful about revealing the external stuff. Don't mean to discourage you *at all*. I just tend to feel more comfortable spilling my guts here if I feel anonymous.)
Posted by Miller on December 24, 2002, at 9:08:12
In reply to Re: Plunging-- Chapter One » Miller, posted by Lou Pilder on December 23, 2002, at 21:11:24
Lou,
I am so touched that you would extend an invitation to me. Thank you. I now live in Wisconsin. I am only too way away within my own emotional state, not geographically.
It is very strange to have met you in this way. Maybe this is a good sign of things to come. Maybe I am reading too much into it, but maybe fate is showing me something about purging my awful feeliings about myself.
Do you believe in fate? Do you think I am looking too hard into this?
-Miller
Posted by Miller on December 24, 2002, at 9:12:44
In reply to Re: Plunging-- Chapter One » Miller, posted by Dinah on December 23, 2002, at 22:22:20
Dinah,
You are right. I guess in my quest to find an outlet, I didn't think it all the way through. I am glad you pointed that out.
I believe you read about my suicide attempt and how the police were called. I didn't think that through well enough either. Look how that turned out.
I wish I could find a way to let myself be open and honest on a trial basis to be sure I can handle it without all the potential hazards involved.
If you have any ideas, please let me know. I have learned my lesson about being too trusting and don't wish to suffer another blow again so soon.
Thank you for your honesty.
-Miller
Posted by Lou Pilder on December 24, 2002, at 9:13:27
In reply to Re: Plunging-- Chapter One » Lou Pilder, posted by Miller on December 24, 2002, at 9:08:12
Miller,
You wrote,[It is strange that we met this way....maybe fate is showing me something...]
Hummmmmmmmmmmm,
Lou
Posted by bookgurl99 on December 24, 2002, at 10:48:20
In reply to Plunging-- Chapter One, posted by Miller on December 23, 2002, at 11:02:37
Wow, I can say that your 'life story' is very absorbing, even if it is brutally honest.
I hope that by sharing your tale, you find that you're able to better understand yourself -- and to forgive and accept yourself for mistakes you've made. We've _all_ made mistakes like this.
BTW, I'm in Madison. :D
bookgurl99
Posted by Miller on December 24, 2002, at 18:01:33
In reply to Re: Plunging-- Chapter One » Miller, posted by bookgurl99 on December 24, 2002, at 10:48:20
I AM IN MILWAUKEE!!!
Are you going to school in Madison? I have never been to Madison. A ton of attorneys I work with went to school there. I feel like I could almost make may way around just from their descriptions.
Thanks for the supporting words on my tale of woe. I think the next chappter will be posted in a day or so. Stay tuned as we get a word from our sponsor!!
-Miller
Posted by Dinah on December 24, 2002, at 20:30:59
In reply to Re: Plunging-- Chapter One » Dinah, posted by Miller on December 24, 2002, at 9:12:44
Hi Miller. I didn't mean anything in particular by it. Just that, depending on your comfort level with privacy, you should be careful about posting identifying information, in case someone from your real life happens across this board. Some people aren't bothered by the possibility as much as others.
Posted by bookgurl99 on December 25, 2002, at 1:33:45
In reply to Re: Plunging-- Chapter One » bookgurl99, posted by Miller on December 24, 2002, at 18:01:33
Hey, actually I've been taking classes part-time at Edgewood College, a private college here, and working full-time. Before here I went to UW-Oshkosh. :D
Milwaukee seems like kind of a tough city to me, much larger than Madison. I kinda like this little hippie town.
Posted by IsoM on December 25, 2002, at 12:54:41
In reply to Re: Plunging-- Chapter One » Dinah, posted by Miller on December 24, 2002, at 9:12:44
My advice would be to take it slow. There's no pressing need to reveal everything in one rush that I know of. When you post something, perhaps wait an appropriate length of time. This will give posters a chance to respond & you a chance to "mentally settle down" for the next chapter.
I'm sure most people will be understanding, empathetic, & have words of encouragement. But like Dinah said, caution is in order. Because this forum is able to be read by all, a new poster or one who's only read & not posted may write a response that's hurtful or even nasty.
So I suggest a wait between chapters to clear the air, so to speak. And if someone does post something unkind, you'll see the response of those who care.
I don't mind doing some conversational 'ping pong' with you but there's little for me to say. My current mood is the result of external factors, not past experiences. I always go down in winter, & there's been extra stresses to deal with this last month. As spring comes & matters that stressed me get settled, I'll be back to my normal high. But thanks so much for offering your kindness.
If you were a horrible person at one time (as you mentioned), you've learned an amazing amount of love & concern since then. I think of it in the manner of a D student studying *very* hard till he/she finally got a B. Who did better - that student or one who normally can get As but was lazy & got a B+ instead?
This is the end of the thread.
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