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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by trouble on April 7, 2002, at 15:24:03
"It seemed that the next minute they would
discover a solution. Yet it was clear to both
of them that the end was still far, far off,
and that the hardest and most complicated
part was only just beginning"Anton Chekhov
email me, asap
robin
Posted by trouble on April 7, 2002, at 20:13:03
In reply to TO JEFF if you're lurking, posted by trouble on April 7, 2002, at 15:24:03
Dear Jeff,
I need you to promise me one thing and you know I never ask anything of you so I am not f**king around. I seriously want you to promise that no matter what is going on or where you are that you will never take your life w/out talking to me first. I am asking you to make a covenant w/me and w/yourself that if you are loading the bullets and haven't talked to me yet that you will stop and find me, even if it's your last act on earth b/c you promised and you do always keep yr promises Jeff, you wouldn't make them otherwise, we both know you don't throw promises around, and even if it holds you up all night trying to locate me, too bad, b/c no matter how mad you are at me at the world and everyone in it, and it's time to go, sure I can respect that, and calling me doesn't let me off the hook, doesn't make the loss easier on my conscience just b/c "Oh well, I did my best and he did it anyway", that's not what this is about.
It's about blinding, senseless, impulsive stupidity that forces an irreversible act; yours, mine, Kurdt's, Kurdt's 3 stupid copycats, Sylvia's, Sar's, Sexton's... all great minds, crazy people, touched by the hand of God, that's one thing they used to call the nsane, "tetched", hillbilly etymology for touched, by God's Hand. OK, not many people on this earth are given that burden, sometimes I think the only reason we're here is to keep Shakespeare in the canon, but there are far, far worse things to do w/your life.
You are the most disciplined scholar I have ever met, and you are the most insane person I have ever met. Years spent hanging around college campuses when I wasn't breaking family members out of mental hospitals, have given me license to speak when I know what the f**k I am talking about.
So did Sar. Did she know that she knew what she was talking about?
None of us will ever know if we pushed too hard or not hard enough or if we were even in the mix at all, but let's get this one thng straight: killing yourself is the wrong answer, I've never asked one thing of you in 14 years, I was saving it all up for today, and I want it in writing or you and I have had it for good b/c it is so not necessary, we're in this together, we understand the demands of suicide, so when the balcony beckons, we look for someone just a few steps ahead of where we are on the path, we call that person and they will know instantly what's going on, what's at stake, and they can say w/authority what lies ahead if you'll just stick, just hold steady w/me and I promise you one day this torment will end, and when it does there'll be a new torment to take its place only this one will reward you. Torment is not an option. They took our heroin away, these people standing in line at the post office, all the ones who aren't laughing hysterically, these are the people who don't see the joke, and sure as hell don't see the pain, they've taken the low road, they get by, see lists in front of their eyes, daily tasks, bills to pay, what's for supper, picking the kids up in time to beat the afternoon traffic. This is fine.What's not fine about mundanes is their sanism, the misapprehension of and power over the insane. Some of their power is real, they took our drugs away, they called us "worthless eaters" and tried to keep us from reproducing, 3 states in this country forbade the insane from marrying and reproducing, Roosevelt himself endorsed the policy, until the Third Reich atrocities drove eugenics out of fashion and underground.
They didn't change their minds about us, laws don't change peoples minds, people do.
WE are here, always have been and always will be,and we're not going away. Let's just pause a minute and let that sink in, we are welcome on the planet, this is our home too. Killing ourselves doesn't end the problems encountered while doing God's work, it simply robs us of one more precious and irreplaceable resource we'd been counting on to stand by for us, God knows we'll need them.Suicide is premature, it means you never learned that there's really no difference between us and all the people in line at the post office, we experience everything they do, only we get it too much, too often and too clearly. Too much brain matter, too much capacity to feel, too much perception, too much humanity. We fuck ourselves up by being scared of them.
We are the real deal, right, but so are they, that's what explains the fear and ignorance, you see a little bit of yourself in the babbling disheveled, and a long, long time ago you opted for adaptation, but nothing is ever 100%, so when a little recognition slips thru the wall of defense you call your life, it shakes you to your bones, but there's more of them than there are of us, they can put us in straightjackets, insult us w/ labels, assault our brains w/ electroshock, and when all else fails drive us off the planet in droves in some ridiculous war between John Grisham and King Lear, which shames them for no good reason, they know on some level, know that the worthless eaters understand why, when company comes they hide the paperbacks and put the collected works of Ernest Hemingway on the coffee table. And, further, we know you yourself don't know why you do this. Do you really think there is something inside you we haven't felt, smelt, stood next to tasted and eventually learned to look at ourselves?
There is only one thing we can all say for certain: Ernest Hemingway blew his brains out.It is appropriate, then, that you would have shelves filled w/leatherbound books that have never been opened, for if you knew what was in them you wouldn't be able to afford them. You see Jeff, what I'm getting at here-it's scared little people that kill us and I want it to stop. Promise me.
Love,
robin
Posted by paxvox2000 on April 7, 2002, at 20:30:59
In reply to For Jeff, or anyone else broken and angry, posted by trouble on April 7, 2002, at 20:13:03
God, Robin.....how eloquent an emote! You have spoken volumes in one page on a single post. You have seen the future, and it is us. I have walked that line in mind and in deed during my life, it is a terrible, horrible place to be. However, even when we KNOW that there is someone there somewhere that would answer a phone call, and offer help, by that time it seems moot. Sometimes, too, we feel it would make it all the more burden for those we affect by our lives to drag them into our dark world of despair. Oh how the demons twist our thoughts. What keeps us here? In a word, HOPE. No one knows what the dawn will bring, only that it WILL come. That's why I am here. Every day, I find a reason to get out of bed and go on, because that one thing that makes all the difference in my life could come that day.
From Toad the Wet Sproket:
HOPE
"Call and anywhere I would go.
Call and anywhere I would go.All I'll ever have I offer,
and all I need is hope.
And all I need is hope.Call and anywhere I would go.
Call and anywhere I would go.All I ever am I offer,
and all I need is hope.
And all I need is hope.
And all I need is hope."
PAX
Posted by trouble on April 7, 2002, at 20:41:02
In reply to Re: For Jeff, or anyone else broken and angry » trouble, posted by paxvox2000 on April 7, 2002, at 20:30:59
This is the end of the thread.
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