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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by mist on January 29, 2002, at 13:35:49
I have heard the theory that people repeat patterns from their childhood. I think that may be true for me but I'm not sure how to break the patterns. I read a book called Reinventing Your Life which addresses this issue but I didn't find the exercises helpful. I have also had a lot of therapy but it hasn't helped for that either.
The idea is that people get themselves or stay in similar situations to those that were problematic for them as a child (some categories, or "lifetraps" mentioned in Reinventing Your Life are abuse, dependency, emotional deprivation, social isolation, etc.) I sometimes feel as if a mysterious spell is cast over my life that I can't break (emotional deprivation is one that resonates strongly with me).
Has anyone had success with changing lifelong emotional, circumstantial, relating, etc. patterns (other than with talk therapy, which as I said hasn't worked for me)? Insight is one step and that's hard enough to come by but once you see it, how do you change it?
Posted by Greg A. on January 29, 2002, at 14:03:54
In reply to Changing from the past - how?, posted by mist on January 29, 2002, at 13:35:49
Mist,
It is really hard to change or break out of life long patterns. I agree to some extent that we seek out familiar things from our past, at a subconscious level; children of alcoholics marry alcoholics and so on. But on a more day to day level, I think you are on the right track. Insight may not make you feel any different but it does give you the chance to modify your behaviour and you reaction to people and events. Often, our first reaction sets the tone for how we proceed. If you understand why you feel a certain way, you can get yourself to respond in a different way. For example, my tendency with my oldest daughter is to be angry and critical of many of her actions. I can’t stop feeling this way, but I can control my response. Instead of yelling, I can walk away. Or I can ask if she would like to talk about it. The end result is much different than if I went with my feelings.
Greg
Posted by mist on January 29, 2002, at 16:59:50
In reply to Re: Changing from the past - how?, posted by Greg A. on January 29, 2002, at 14:03:54
Greg, I hope I will be able to get to the same point you are with my own "issues." It sounds like you're in control (by virtue of being aware and making choices) and not letting the patterns run your life. -mist
> Mist,
>
> It is really hard to change or break out of life long patterns. I agree to some extent that we seek out familiar things from our past, at a subconscious level; children of alcoholics marry alcoholics and so on. But on a more day to day level, I think you are on the right track. Insight may not make you feel any different but it does give you the chance to modify your behaviour and you reaction to people and events. Often, our first reaction sets the tone for how we proceed. If you understand why you feel a certain way, you can get yourself to respond in a different way. For example, my tendency with my oldest daughter is to be angry and critical of many of her actions. I can’t stop feeling this way, but I can control my response. Instead of yelling, I can walk away. Or I can ask if she would like to talk about it. The end result is much different than if I went with my feelings.
>
> Greg
Posted by Greg A. on January 29, 2002, at 17:52:00
In reply to Re: Changing from the past - how? » Greg A., posted by mist on January 29, 2002, at 16:59:50
Mist,
Sorry! I only talk like I know what's going on. In reality, I mostly make a mess of my life. But I'm working on it!Greg
Posted by finelinebob on January 29, 2002, at 19:15:28
In reply to Re: Changing from the past - how?, posted by Greg A. on January 29, 2002, at 17:52:00
So, when is someone going to write a book titled "Reverse Engineering Your Life!"
That's what it feels like ... take one or two or ten steps back--mentally, at least--then start taking steps forward again without stepping in your old footprints (or anything else nasty that might be on your path!)
flb
Posted by Anna Laura on January 30, 2002, at 2:41:35
In reply to Changing from the past - how?, posted by mist on January 29, 2002, at 13:35:49
> I have heard the theory that people repeat patterns from their childhood. I think that may be true for me but I'm not sure how to break the patterns. I read a book called Reinventing Your Life which addresses this issue but I didn't find the exercises helpful. I have also had a lot of therapy but it hasn't helped for that either.
>
> The idea is that people get themselves or stay in similar situations to those that were problematic for them as a child (some categories, or "lifetraps" mentioned in Reinventing Your Life are abuse, dependency, emotional deprivation, social isolation, etc.) I sometimes feel as if a mysterious spell is cast over my life that I can't break (emotional deprivation is one that resonates strongly with me).
>
> Has anyone had success with changing lifelong emotional, circumstantial, relating, etc. patterns (other than with talk therapy, which as I said hasn't worked for me)? Insight is one step and that's hard enough to come by but once you see it, how do you change it?
I've read many many books on that topic (Freud, Bowlby etc...).
The only book i found useful is a very simple, apparently naive book called "The child within" by Charles L. Whitfield.
It describes the dynamics of "neurotic" behaviour (repetitive patterns) in a neat and useful way, explaining the origin and causes and the ways to get out of that vicious cycle.
I'm going to talk about my personal experience now; i'm aware that everyone is different and that my experience migh not fit your particular case.
I'll try to explain what i went through as long as my poor english allows me to do so, hoping it might help you.
As far as i am concerned, i succeeded in changing several negative emotional patterns,
nonetheless, i believe you don't have to take your achievings for granted and be aware that the healing process might be lifelong.
It's like being an alcholic you know: you have to be aware that the danger of falling back is always there.
You have to accept you are somehow more vulnerable then the average person.
That's why it's very important to change your life style and hang out with the emotionally healthy people, since external events and situations might affect you, an "healthy" environment being a very important part of the healing process.
It might sound obvious, but i believe the most difficult part of the process is about being humble enough to recognize you have a problem.
Many people get stuck on that part.
My experience: i got married at 18 with an alcholic. He was an abuser.
I felt like a victim and couldn't understand why he was treating me like that because i loved him so much.
I took me some time to realize i was stuck in that relationship cause i felt lonely and WANTED love :i wanted love but i didn't feel love, as a matter of fact i didn't have a clue what love was about.
I just felt needy and insecure and thought that those messed up emotions where actually love. I was staying in 'cause too afraid to walk away.
I thought that i'd die if i was going to leave him.
I realized i was a dependent person and i finally took action .So i left him.
To my surprise, i realized that i didn't miss him at all.
I probably never loved him. It's too long to tell, but i eventually LEARNED how to love: it was a totally new, wonderful experience.
I always thought love was about feeling needy and anxious and i was surprised to find out it was a totally different thing!
After a few years (six- seven years) i fell back in to the vicious cycle again.
It was more difficult to recover from that since as you grow older you become more "proud ", less honest about yourself.
You reject criticism far more often since you're somehow less vulnerable to it.
There are many subtle, hidden ways to deny your problem.
Denial can be very intricated as a mature thinking and acting can be the diguise of unhealthy, neurotic patterns.
Self-deceit gets much more sophisticated, and it's more difficult to untangle emotional issues.
As you grow older you get adapted to situations and relationships in a seemingly mature way.
Very often "mature" and "childlish" features are intertwined.
That's why it's easier to recognize the "hidden enemy" when you're 18 rather then at 33.
An example: your spouse is ill and you're taking care of her/him.
The relationship is totally unsatisfactory and you always fight and ave troubles.
You might stay in that relationship instead of walking away, since you feel the responsability of taking care of him/her. You might think: "I'm a responsible, caring person".
The truth might be you feel insecure and needy : you've been living together for so long and you might not want to rebuild your life , fearing to face life alone, or again, you might not want to accept your love has died.
Hope i didn't sound pedantic, it wasn't my intention.
Posted by mist on January 31, 2002, at 0:08:23
In reply to Changing from the past - how?, posted by mist on January 29, 2002, at 13:35:49
Thanks all, for the food for thought. I appreciate hearing how others deal with and think about longstanding life issues. It's definitely not easy to break the patterns, but good to know that for some people at least (I hope I will be one of them) it's possible to make some progress in that direction. -mist
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