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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by dreamer on January 19, 2002, at 6:32:15
We are both in a boat with only one oar and it's one of them blow-up efforts the name escapes (heavily drugged) and we have a knife are you gonna cut its skin or shall I?
No fight left?
Do you realise how inspirational and unique you are amongst many who sleep with eyes open?
I'm really sick of it but through our tired eyes and thirst for peace we may miss an island and you can burn the goddam money so we can keep warm.
Shall we both kick or drown?
Life is pathetic maybe death is nothing in that nothing you cannot help others also in pain.So what are we going to do ?
exchange suicide tips or exist a little longer.Reality reality. fantasy fantasy is no longer a exit- escape route squeeze whats left and give me and others hope.
dreamer also tired and broken and wasn't going to post again till I saw what you wrote. The only reason I returned to this site was to search for my past posts....and also a few of yours
So you'd better reply even if it's too tell me f**k *ff.
Posted by dreamer on January 19, 2002, at 6:45:10
In reply to *KAZOO* PLEASE READ, posted by dreamer on January 19, 2002, at 6:32:15
My email address at top. Go on, use it -have a good moan or discuss your epitaph!
Posted by kazoo on January 20, 2002, at 5:07:35
In reply to Re: *KAZOO* PLEASE READ......forgot, posted by dreamer on January 19, 2002, at 6:45:10
> My email address at top. Go on, use it -have a good moan or discuss your epitaph!
Dreamer, my dear, you are very sweet and kind. I appreciate your messages and your concern.
"Let no man write my epitaph," a great movie I might add. I would never tell you to "F*** O**." I would never tell anyone to "F*** O**." Simply not my style.
I'm going through a bad time and I can't seem to understand or cope as I usually did in the past. And do you know what the real kicker is? I can't even take the very advice I give to others here in the group applicable to my own plights. Would this be a form of hypocrisy?
One third of my family is dead.
Another third is in a maximum security prison.
And the last third is running from the law.
So where does that leave me?I'm too old to be young, but too young to be old.
I've been doing a lot of "retrospecting" these days and come to the conclusion that I'm no different from anyone else, not that I thought I was in the first place, or did I?
My life is a bona fide mess and I've become "mental." For eight days last week, I had pneumonia in my left lung. First time I ever got this thing. I was really sick. I was alone.
When the kid on my road killed himself on July 18, 2001, I condemned the act privately, but now I can understand how people are driven to a particular distractive point of mad-capped abandon. But still, I can't justify, or condone, this final act.
I'm reached out to my "faith" in the Holy Roman Catholic Church and found the same emptiness present as when I did at 8 years old. The local priest thinks I'm possessed. I've been drinking holy water imported from Lourdes and all I get are the drizzly shits. Yahweh and I aren't on speaking terms or so it seems. Ask me if I care? Better yet, ask HIM if he cares, HA! That'll be the day! But I will confess that I "talk" to the Virgin Mary. And I think she talks back to me.
I have no idea what I'm trying to say here since it's 5 am EST, and it's finally snowing in New England, but I'm no Yankee, I'm a New Yorker. Since September 11, I haven't been back to the City because I think it's been raped. The thought of going to the ballet, opera, museums, theaters, discos, smut shops left my psyche. So much for season tickets to ADULTERAMMA.
It's a zoo out there which is why I stay home and stare out the window into fields of empty space in the front of my house, and a dense forest in the back with mountains. I once saw this natural beauty, but now it all looks like well-done picture postcards available at any drug store.
Even my cat has become odd. She eats dog food and thinks it can fly.
"The man ain't got no kulture."
"No man is an island ... he's a PENInSula." Attention Messr. John Donne: when you find yourself, be sure to lose yourself since nobody bothers to listen to (or read) you anyway.
To get some sleep, I take 5 OXYI-CONTIN, a Seconal, some Benadryl, Ambien and Sonata. I also take vitamins and drink milk. I stopped eating 8 weeks ago, sustaining myself on carrots, jelly donuts, coffee, Pepsi and tooth-picks. I lost quite a bit of weight and I look like crap. Even the health clubs and spas turn me away.
Dreamer, you're a living doll, like Willow and Shar (has she been around).
I want to give up my worldly possessions and model my life after Saint Augustine, my patron Saint for dullness.
I miss my Ma beyond all words, and The John Dempsey Hospital in Farmington, Connecticut killed her with not just one botched angiogram, but two: the first one on October 25, 2001 and the second one December 6, the day she died.
Patient Relations wrote me this pablum, bullshit letter glossing over the facts, but I know better and I told them so. In a short, simple, respectable response to this letter I was threatened with an arrest by UCONN. They claimed I was "offensive" since I blamed two doctors for killing my mother. Well, that's just tough crap. The truth does hurt.
Again, as if that wasn't bad enough, in three days I go to Probate Court to work out the details of my parents estate. Naturally, there's always problems with this when you're left everything, and a family member can't quite understand that she emotionaly and financially abused her parents and other family members in her own deceitful manner FOR 12 WHOLE YEARS, and therefore gets nothing except my wrath. If I see this broad in public, I will run her over with a steam roller (If I an buy one).
I've never felt so alone in my entire life as I do right now. Even my cat ignores me ... must be the dog food diet.
I'll keep in touch, but not very often. I was whisked away through some portal and I don't know where I am.
Peace to you, my dear, and a belated (and genuine) best of the New Year to you and yours. And to everybody else here. Thanks for the shoulder.
kazoo
Willow, my dear, what's new with you?
Posted by Willow on January 20, 2002, at 22:08:40
In reply to Re: *KAZOO* PLEASE READ. I'm here. » dreamer, posted by kazoo on January 20, 2002, at 5:07:35
> Willow, my dear, what's new with you?
Oooh! I've been boycotting the site because of Cam's latest banishment, but for you I will forgo my moral views. Have you ever heard the saying, "Do as I say, not as I do!" It probably evolved from common sense, since it's easier to provide lip service.
Meanwhile I'm at it (the lip service), I'll suggest that you search your abode for every piece of laundry you can find and put a load in the wash before you proceed with anything else. I'm the queen of laundry,a laundress, and I usually fold my days efforts in the evening on the open chat. Hint, hint!
I'm always here, but during times like this I wish I was closer to my cyber friends. I highly recommend that you dump everything in the latrine, close the lid, then flush. Since you're there you should check behind the door for stray socks and sniff the towels. (Fold the clean ones and musty ones go in the wash. If you have a large supply of clean socks don't bother checking them, if they're on the floor in the wash they go.)
Now for the kitchen! I must be spending too much time there because I'm gaining weight. If I could only transpose some over to you? I want you to do some grocery shopping and I'll give you the list: oatmeal (Quacker oats stuff,) eggs, milk, cheese, salt, sugar, variety of apples, little beef steaks, rice, mixed veges(broccoli, red peppers, scallions, etc. look for things that are priced right,) coffee, some orange juice and your favourite ice cream (mine is butterscotch.) It only takes a few minutes to cook any of this stuff up and you can drink your coffee meanwhile you meander between the stove and fridge. Fill your sink with dishes, hot water and a little dishsoap; proceed to wash a few between mouthfuls of coffee and flipping things in the pan.
Once your stomach is full and the homestead is half-way presentable, you fill your tub up with hot water and just soak. When you feel yourself relax start thinking of a good friend who can help you with the probate business. You can't attend to this by yourself. (I would recommend that you have a lawyer present, but I know how you feel about them.) Get someone who is steadfast, unemotional. As for your sibling, like Kat said erase all emotion of her for this occassion, best to pay someone to listen and keep the direction of your emotions on an even keel. (I know easier said then done. Remember this is lip service, but it is coming from a woman. Have you ever listened to a hysterical woman and not heard a thing?)
Now for your church giving you solace, (hopefully nobody is reading this because I'm going to get crucified) I don't know of any happy catholic men. As a child, I attended diffrent faiths and the catholic church was the most unwelcoming of them. The only positive that comes to mind is the ritual of saying prayers. Whenever I want to relax I drink tea (add it to the grocery list,) the habit in itself is relaxing. I believe that prayers can work the same way. Does that make any sense?
Coming from a small family I'm fortunate that my losses have been few, but I have made pacts with God if one friend lived and questioned society why my grandmother needed to suffer so. I did understand where your grief was coming from, but thought it would be more prudent to ride out the storm. (Similar to childbirth, yes it hurts, words of sympathy don't help until after the fact.) And yes the doctors fumbled with the care provided for my grandmother, they argued amongst each other and move her to the operation room and back to her bed I don't know how many times.
Unfortunately the science of medicine in regards to our seniors is still a new frontier. This makes for a lot of unknowns, which breeds an easy hiding place for incompetence.
Where does this leave you? Of course you miss her, but in ten years I promise the wound won't hurt as much. Meantime, take a good look in the mirror at your clean shaven face. Take stock, who are you? where do you want to go?
You are alone on this over-populated planet? Or do you choose to be alone at this point in time? Boy, you sure can do a pout better than myself! Pick yourself up, no it's not easy, but I suspect you aren't a quitter or pouter by nature.
For amusement check out: http://www.travel.fi/int/kakslauttanen/index.html
and for fun if your neighbours can't see take a roll naked in the snow.
What have I been up to? I schedule my work around doctors appointments, nursing my little ones, crying over a broken car, learnt where the fifth gear was in a borrowed standard, and spend my evenings wondering how you are.
Your Number One Fan
Willowps i still love it when you call me dear
This is the end of the thread.
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