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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 2 of 2. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by nepenthe on December 31, 2001, at 18:04:17
Wondering if anyone has thoughts on this . . .
Six months ago, I had a sexually traumatic experience (consensual, but very traumatizing) and three weeks later developed what seemed to be PTSD. I say "seemed to be" because I was the only one labeling my symptoms, my therapist at the time (an analyst) thought I was searching for labels excessively (true - I was scared to death and wanted to know what was wrong with me) and in response to my demanding a diagnosis said things like "this thing happened, and you went a little schizy" and later (when I suggested I see someone else, "maybe we can find someone who treats "healthy neurotics." Point is - guy was in his glory days prior to the 1980s and, my take, is that PTSD became more clearly defined by mental health/medical establishment since then. One therapist I saw at the time, at the time, did agree with my self-diagnosis of PTSD but I didn't stay with her.
In any case - the symptoms were as follows . . . constant derealization, extreme chronic panic (especially around men -go figure), extreme obsessional thinking, feelings that I was damaged goods, chronic unwanted sexual arousal combined with feelings of panic and disgust, I developed a fear of male family members, but also, couldn't read anything that mentioned sexual trauma of any kind because I was so disoriented (still managed to work, but was fighting constantly to keep grounded in reality) that anything I could imagine (being raped by someone, for instance - which hadn't happened) seemed thoroughly possible. Had trouble sleeping, nightmares (but not related to event specifically) but had only a mild increased startle response. Thought I was going nuts.
So - the symptoms waned significantly, but were followed with depression. Once I stopped being afraid of everyone, I got up the courage to find a new therapist who specialized in PTSD. She has never called it "PTSD" (now that I write this, I should just ask her), but also saw me after the major PTSD things have gone away. In one conversation, she said "Well, whether you call it PTSD or depression, we can relate to the thoughts the same way."
NOW - this is the kicker for me. My mother is "schizophrenic." She became ill in her mid-thirties after having a breakdown after years of being a social worker dealing with rape and sexual abuse victims, particularly. When she first was hospitalized, the diagnosed her as PTSD (with psychotic features). She went on and off meds, and eight years later (she was increasingly psychotic over the years), her last diagnosis was "schizophrenia." She was hearing voices (something I don't think came up in the initial diagnosis). She also had no insight into her illness, until recently after two years of steady medication.
So back to my dilemma. I feel much better. I am socializing, no longer feel damaged, not afraid of men, or of my male family members, but now coping with the fact that I had thoughts I couldn't undesrtand. The fears were so strong of fantasies, that I could imagine them happening and (motivated by own insight - not anyone elses) I had to work like hell to put those fears to rest. So - as people keep telling me - I am not psychotic and not schizophrenic. I do feel like I've looked over the abyss and, because of my mother's illness, could see the danger of choosing fear over reality and so I fought the fantasies (not hallucinations - I was deliberately imagining feared scenarios to see if they would scare me - I was testing my own reality). However, I still feel like I have to remind myself that this is reality, that I am present, that this is life. I am enjoying things, but wonder if this could just be (like my mother) a pre-cursor to schizophrenia.
Is there anything such as schizophrenia prevention? Or, is the ability to *easily* distinguish fantasy from reality because of extremely high states of anxiety (I'd like it to a phobia or OCD) something that happens in depression and PTSD? The only PTSD like aspect that is similar to what I experienced seems to be "false memory" syndrome ... otherwise, the ability to distinguish fantasy from reality comes up most often in OCD (w/insight) or schizophrenia. My thought processes felt obsessional, but no one ever really thought it was OCD. Or - are certain aspects of these things cross overs that can be found in various disorders.
Anyway - thanks for reading the long post. I suspect I'm not schizophrenic, but I'm trying to find best (non-medication ways) to prevent any further forays into reality confusion. I've never been on meds, but I feel like there has to be a way to trust reality fully (secure in my own perceptions) so I don't feel like it could slip away if something traumatic happens again.
Thanks.
Posted by Krazy Kat on January 1, 2002, at 14:56:01
In reply to Distinguishing reality from fantasy, posted by nepenthe on December 31, 2001, at 18:04:17
I don't have an answer, I'm afraid, but want to encourage you to keep on searching for a good pdoc. My limited understanding re: bipolar disorder, and, therefore, I would guess schizophrenia, is that a stressful experience can "trigger" episodes. Please keep looking for the right ally in this.
Re: the experience itself - I do understand. This happened to me very strongly in college, and, frankly, less strongly a few times in high school. I am still dealing with it at 30. I think it is very closely related to other things in life that have been or are "out of whack".
- K.
This is the end of the thread.
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