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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by bonnie_ann on December 19, 2001, at 7:20:27
He has not been professionally diagnosed, but since pre-school my son has been hesitant for me to leave him at school. He is very likeable and gets along with everyone. Sometimes he CRIES "MOM" with tears as I try to leave, like he just did today as I'm on my way out the door. I ask what's the matter he says I feel like I'm forgetting something and I tell him he needs to stop doing this he says he can't help it and I tell him we will discuss it later, I leave.
My mood just sank - I have many emotions right now - anger, sadness, embarrasement etc. How the heck should I handle this when I see him after school? If I don't hear from the school sooner. Now I'm afraid to leave the appt for fear the school will call.My instinct is just to take the Nintendo away.
Any suggestions?
Bonnie
Posted by Dinah on December 19, 2001, at 8:20:14
In reply to 9 year old still has seperation anxiety..... HELP!, posted by bonnie_ann on December 19, 2001, at 7:20:27
A child psychologist I know says that there are two types of behaviors like this. One is the sort that arises from a desire to control. The other is the sort that comes from a biological vulnerability and asking him to stop those behaviors is like asking him to stop his hair from growing.
I doubt that such consistent behavior results from a deliberate desire to maintain control, but he suggests using positive rewards to test to see if these behaviors are within the child's ability to control. If the child gets more positive benefits from not doing than from doing the behaviors, he will stop.
If he truly cannot stop without intolerable anxiety, taking the Nintendo away will not help. When I was in sixth grade and being teased by the other kids, everyone told me that if I just quit crying, they would leave me alone. It was true and I knew it, but I couldn't quit crying. Then it felt like it was my fault I was being teased.
Unless you think he is truly being manipulative, give him a big hug and tell him you understand how difficult this all is for him and how embarassing it must be for him. I recommend borrowing Marsha Linehan's book "Cognitive Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder." In it she has an excellent discussion on how the usual advice to kids to stop overreacting, which is good practice with most kids, can feel so frustrating to kids who just can't stop it. And bring your son to a GOOD child psychologist. At least then you will know the true nature of the problem.
I know this is difficult and embarassing for you and I know you are doing your best in a trying situation. But I am just trying to give you the perspective from your son's side, if he does indeed have problems with emotional regulation.
Posted by judy1 on December 19, 2001, at 11:10:13
In reply to Re: 9 year old still has seperation anxiety..... HELP! » bonnie_ann, posted by Dinah on December 19, 2001, at 8:20:14
mine has similar problems and is the same age. he was diagnosed with panic disorder. maybe it's worth having him speak to a psychologist. take care, judy
Posted by Willow on December 19, 2001, at 11:39:53
In reply to Re: 9 year old still has seperation anxiety..... HELP! » Dinah, posted by judy1 on December 19, 2001, at 11:10:13
Giving him a picture of yourself, if the anxiety is over leaving yourself. Also resassure him of what time you will meet again, example I was home when my son came off the bus so I would tell him I would be waiting for him.
For yourself you may want to call the school to see how he is doing after you leave. If he is fine it will reassure you, if not ask for assistance on how to work with the school in assisting your son.
When you feel frustrated it may help to rant to someone, like us, so that your son doesn't pick up on the frustration because it will probably heighten his anxiety.
BEST WISHES
Willow
Posted by mair on December 19, 2001, at 11:44:10
In reply to 9 year old still has seperation anxiety..... HELP!, posted by bonnie_ann on December 19, 2001, at 7:20:27
Bonnie - I thought I had posted a message this morning that didn't seem to make it through. I hope this one isn't a duplicate.
My son went through a real period of anxiety when he was 9. Sometimes it manifested itself in public places where he seemed afraid to let us out of his sight, but mostly it was a problem for him at school or at the afterschool program he sometimes attended. He'd get very anxious thinking that we weren't going to pick him up on time. Every morning as we were letting him off at school we'd go through these exhausting series of "what if" questions, for which our answers were never sufficient. He'd also describe having something akin to an anxiety attack every afternoon about 30 or 40 minutes before the end of school, and on some days he'd end up in the nurse's office complaining about stomach aches. After awhile it was pretty evident that we couldn't reason with him on this and that he couldn't control his anxiety. We took him to see a psychologist who worked with him for 3 or 4 months. I think she was using CBT techniques, none of which involved bribery. It was very successful. He's 16 now. While he is by tempermant a "worrier" I haven't felt since then that he couldn't handle things.
Mair
Posted by stjames on December 19, 2001, at 17:41:47
In reply to 9 year old still has seperation anxiety..... HELP!, posted by bonnie_ann on December 19, 2001, at 7:20:27
What does his teacher say ? Does he continue to fuss after you are gone ?
james
Posted by bonnie_ann on December 21, 2001, at 19:03:16
In reply to Re: 9 year old still has seperation anxiety..... HELP!, posted by stjames on December 19, 2001, at 17:41:47
thanks everyone!!! I talked to the students who run the before school class in the mornings, she said she would try to get his attention if he gets clingy. In the afternoon at the afterschool program he's happy as can be and sometimes asks to be picked up later. I just have a tough time because I get anxious waiting to see if he'll get anxious- ya know? I think we definately have some telepathic thing going on between us. And I am asking my Therapist all sorts of questions as to how to handle it and what she thinks- she says it's just something that some children go through- including her own -but I always worry "what if?" in the back of my mind. I just know personally awful it feels to be having anxiety. If it overwhelms me, than I don't even want to think about how it feels for him.
I know just a extra big hug and a "I'll see you soon" is all he needs!! Instead of getting upset at him - I should be comforting him.
Bonnie
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