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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by AKC on July 28, 2001, at 20:42:02
There isn't really anything you all can do. My head is clear. This is all about not meeting my own expectations at work. They are happy with my work -- I put out good, almost great, work product for a very young associate. I just don't meet my hours expectation. I told them I would hit 140 (goal for new associates out my firm is 150 a month, something I have never hit in my year and a half). The problem is that I am not hitting 140 -- July will make two months in a row that I will come in around 135. I have until the end of the year to hit the 150. If I don't, I'll be moved to part time status (likely 80 or 85 percent) plus lower pay. However, in my mixed state bipolar over the past five years, I have put myself in one financial mess, and just can't picture the lesser pay. I just meet my monthly bills -- and the steep medical bills -- the steep out-of-pocket I pay to get the best damm therapy. The group I work with belongs to no HMOs -- less stress for the, but it makes it very expensive for me.
So after three great weeks on the topamax, I have hit my first trigger. I am not depressed in any way, and as I said above, I am clear headed. By my anxiety is off the chart. And I am feeling alone - one of those out-of-pocket weekends, with most of my close friends off to different places (las vegas, minneapolis - oh to be there, where it must be cooler than KC). You know how that happens, those weekends when you could use a friend, but timing is just wrong.
Anyway, I just mowed part the yard to try to burn some energy (and a few of these fat cells -- I am so tired of being obese -- damn the zyprexa and the lithium and the 100 pounds -- oh, by the way, even with a 100 pounds, I would still be classified obese on every type of chart -- sigh).
Sorry to be long winded -- you are such a captive audience.
A sad hounddog
Posted by Willow on July 28, 2001, at 23:25:04
In reply to Sad :(, posted by AKC on July 28, 2001, at 20:42:02
I guess saying "chin up" isn't good enough when feeling so low. My hounds could never get their noses off the ground.
Are you going to "talk-therapy?"
Does the psych have any answers?The only thing I know to do when I get into a real slump is have a good cry. For some reason it helps me. Then I start with my lists ...
I rented what I thought was a good girlie movie, the harlequin type. Instead of making me elated I ended up crying. If you need something to help you have a good cry go pickup "Sweet November."
Keep writing ...
Weeping Willow
Posted by AKC on July 28, 2001, at 23:45:35
In reply to Re: Sad :(, posted by Willow on July 28, 2001, at 23:25:04
Talk therapy is my life! I happen to believe I have the world's best therapist. I feel fortunate to have found her. We meet weekly, and one of the hard things is that we did not meet last week. I will see her again on Monday.
I am not very good about crying about my own stuff -- though I do like crying over a good movie. I almost rented Sweet November this evening -- picked up The Family Man instead. I enjoyed it.
Did my budget again tonight. Just what I thought. On my inflated full salary, I do get by, with a little to spare to play. At 85%, I can pay each and every monthly bills, but have nothing to eat on. That might be a problem, don't you think? I'll have to tap savings until my mom comes through with her yearly gift, whenever that might be.
Your resident hounddog.
Posted by Willow on July 29, 2001, at 0:03:17
In reply to Re: Sad :(, posted by AKC on July 28, 2001, at 23:45:35
> Did my budget again tonight. Just what I thought. On my inflated full salary, I do get by, with a little to spare to play. At 85%, I can pay each and every monthly bills, but have nothing to eat on. That might be a problem, don't you think?I wonder how many of us have money problems. Mine is that I'm dependant on my spouse since I stopped working. Now I do work a few hours, but can't support myself on it. Add children etc, we would definitely have to live off of love.
Rent "Sweet November" if you get a chance. The girl Sara was so like me that it got me paranoid. She even had a general resemble to myself, when she wasn't at her best. : 0
Saturday nights suck on the board. I guess most everyone has someplace to be. Sorry that doesn't help your situation. What's with the weekend thing anyway?
Willow
Posted by mila on July 29, 2001, at 0:22:52
In reply to Sad :(, posted by AKC on July 28, 2001, at 20:42:02
Hi AKC,
there are two good things about anxiety, or more.
it is not about reality, but about things you envision.
it doesn't take into account that things change in very unpredictable ways, always to our favor. we change, situations change, etc. anxiety freezes the present and projects it into the future.
anxious people are VERY smart and creative and always come up with amazing solutions.
it tells you what you are trying to avoid really.
things will change to the better, AKC. they always do. I wish I could help you more with words, but I think we all would help you better with listening. Please, keep writing here.
much love and compassion,
m.
Posted by sar on July 29, 2001, at 3:57:19
In reply to Sad :(, posted by AKC on July 28, 2001, at 20:42:02
dear AKC,
what is topomax for--anxiety or depression? i've noticed that assuaging alot of my anxiety (with a benzo, klonopin (anti-anxiety) has cleared a significant aount of my depression.)
Anyway, you've got a good therapist and ought to feel fortunate for that. How long have you been seeeing this person?
what is KC? Kansas City?
obesity--have you seen a doc about this? what does (s)he say?
when i was on the pysch ward, the folks i knew on zyprexa were eating carbs like mad. (as a veggie dieter, i notice these things). Certain psychiatric drugs can reduce your impulses concerning eating, and I did see some overweight ppl scarfing down cereal, then cinnamon rooll, theneggs and friit and juice.
have yo spokem to yr doc about this? do you exercise? how do you feel?
best wishes, sar
Posted by AKC on July 29, 2001, at 9:02:41
In reply to Re: Sad :( » AKC, posted by sar on July 29, 2001, at 3:57:19
The zyprexa is long gone -- I had no idea that a person could crave carbs that way.
I don't exercise like I should. Latest excuse -- bum knee flared up. But doc gave me a shot of cortisone Friday - it is already feeling better, so I am starting walking again.
Main thing the topamax is for is all around mood stabilization, depression and anxiety. My pdoc is concerned we are going to trigger a mania (not that I have ever had a full blown one), so I am cutting back on Effexor. One other reason for the topamax is to lose weight.
KC is for Kansas City - tis my home, though I am on the Johnson County side, in the rich, fat cat suburbs - live in Prairie Village in very modest home. (With my debt, I will be in the very modest home built post WWII for life).
I have been seeing my therapist for two years now. We have made a lot of progress in that time. She also got me hooked up with a great group therapy back in December -- survivors of childhood trauma -- all women. There are seven of us. It is led by two other excellent therapist (one who subs as my therapist when mine is on vacation, since I usually don't do well skipping a week). I do feel fortunate. I had a good therapist before this, and dreaded moving. For a person who refuses to believe in a higher power -- this would be proof of one if I did believe!
Thanks for the impute, sar. I really appreciate it.
AKC
Posted by Kingfish on July 29, 2001, at 13:53:21
In reply to Re: Sad :( » sar, posted by AKC on July 29, 2001, at 9:02:41
AKC:
I don't know if it helps to hear of others in a similar situation, but I am one (of the others in a similar situation :) ). My husband went to law school and we were completely "on our own" when we left school so we are in a huge amount of debt. I'm not working on a regular basis now because we're in a rural environment (a couple of hours outside of NY City), he was laid off last spring, yadda, yadda, yadda, so I completely understand the stress of financial issues, as I'm sure many here do.
Life is weird. I agree very wholeheartedly with Mila's views, but I have to remind myself that I do everyday. ;) There is so much we cannot control (and, no, I do not believe in a higher power either), but things like the economy, our companies/firms, etc., that all we really can do is work with what we have each day.
I have several friends who work in law firms and I have seen that it's a very difficult life, so, in my humble opinion, it sounds like you're doing very well, like you push yourself very hard and perhaps need to give yourself a little room. If you want advice, which perhaps you don't, but I can give it to you anyway and you can't stop me, a captive audience as you said ;0, I would write down what's going on in the three major areas of your life: work, relationships (this is friendships, as well as love interests), and living arrangements, and see what needs the most work. This comes from a friend of mine, younger and wiser. It has helped me. And I would add one more: Yourself. Because we all know how much energy it takes to work on mood or anxiety disorders.
I take Topamax as well and it has been very helpful except for sedation.
This is too long. I apologize. But I also empathize.
- K.
Posted by Willow on July 29, 2001, at 13:54:42
In reply to Re: Sad :( » AKC, posted by sar on July 29, 2001, at 3:57:19
AKC
I was going to title the post personal or private, but figured that was a sure fired way to get everyone to read it. : )
Here I was playing house, and I was drawn back to the board because it just dawned on me something I believe you said in one of your posts. Correct me if I'm wrong! Did you say that you had never been intimate with someone else unless you were stoned?
Whispering Willow
Posted by Willow on July 29, 2001, at 13:59:32
In reply to Re: Sad :( » sar, posted by AKC on July 29, 2001, at 9:02:41
if you like here is my icq#42976757 and you can email me if you like sari@onlink.net
Your Friend
Northern Willowps my icq is on but I don't use it often so it may take me awhile to figure out how to get a new user or whatever signed
Posted by AKC on July 29, 2001, at 14:49:24
In reply to AKC, posted by Willow on July 29, 2001, at 13:54:42
> AKC
>
> I was going to title the post personal or private, but figured that was a sure fired way to get everyone to read it. : )
>
> Here I was playing house, and I was drawn back to the board because it just dawned on me something I believe you said in one of your posts. Correct me if I'm wrong! Did you say that you had never been intimate with someone else unless you were stoned?
>
> Whispering WillowNot stoned, drunk!
Though, the handful of times I got stoned in my life, it made me hornier than all get out. But I was highly allergic to the smoke (I have never puffed once on a cigerette in my life -- despise them, if I am around for an instance now, I get very ill). Took me a dozen times or so smoking some weed to figure out why I was deathly ill the next day in a way alcohol never, ever left me! Slow learner. < grin >
I have a wall built around me, where I don't trust people to well. So it took a little lubrication to let down that wall to allow intimacy to occur. Now, in sobriety, I have gained all this weight, and I don't feel very sexy, outside a wonderful smile. But as I pointed out, I don't have any libido right now, so it isn't much missed. Hopefully, when the weigh loss comes, a sexy babe walks into my life, I'll have progressed in therapy to a point that intimacy will be possible without the booze.
AKC
Posted by AKC on July 29, 2001, at 14:51:43
In reply to Re: Sad :(, posted by Willow on July 29, 2001, at 13:59:32
> if you like here is my icq#42976757 and you can email me if you like sari@onlink.net
>
> Your Friend
> Northern Willow
>
> ps my icq is on but I don't use it often so it may take me awhile to figure out how to get a new user or whatever signedI appreciate the offer -- and may take you up on it soon. But for now, I will keep to the board -- I don't know how to "icq" yet, and to do the email thing would break my anonymity (my name is my email address and I don't really want to go the hotmail account -- too lazy to manage more than one email account). But again, thanks for the offer.
Your friend, the hounddog.
Posted by Roo on July 30, 2001, at 8:44:11
In reply to Re: Sad :( » Willow, posted by AKC on July 29, 2001, at 14:51:43
AKC,Have you heard of a small town in Kansas called
"Ft. Scott"? That's where I grew up.
This is the end of the thread.
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