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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Lexie on December 4, 2000, at 20:54:59
All I want to do is Die.
All I want for Christmas is to get well.
Lexie
Posted by Ted on December 4, 2000, at 22:35:42
In reply to Is this the definition of Bi- Polar?, posted by Lexie on December 4, 2000, at 20:54:59
{{{{{Lexie}}}}}
I understand, really. This isn't the definition of bipolar disorder, but it is an all-to-common symptom. Please do your best to just hang in there for us and keep posting -- keep talking. I think it helps. I have first-hand experience with your situation right now. Just do your best to relax and stay as stress-free as possible. The holidays will end in less than a month, and then you will be in peace.
Ted
> All I want to do is Die.
> All I want for Christmas is to get well.
> Lexie
Posted by Lexie on December 5, 2000, at 18:47:24
In reply to Re: Is this the definition of Bi- Polar? » Lexie, posted by Ted on December 4, 2000, at 22:35:42
Thanks for the Hugs. I am not sure what is going on. Everyday is such a struggle. I was doing so well. I am thinking of telling my son I am going to visit a friend and instead going in the hospital for a while. I am feeling very unstable. The depression feels like waves crashing into the ocean. When I feel bad I can't lay in the bed or the couch I just lay in the floor, I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone. I just hurt SO bad. I have a doctor that is really trying to help me. I just feel like giving up. I wanted to stop the medication but he seems to just want to keep increasing it (I am taking 400 mgs. of Lamictal and 400 mgs. of Topamax). I think it is time to either end it all or try to get some serious help. Thanks for your Support. Lexie
Posted by Ted on December 6, 2000, at 10:47:25
In reply to Re: Is this the definition of Bi- Polar?, posted by Lexie on December 5, 2000, at 18:47:24
{{{{{Lexie}}}}}
(There -- I did it again, and I will keep it up as long as necessary)
>Thanks for the Hugs.
You are most welcome. We all need them at some time.
>I am not sure what is going on. Everyday is such a struggle. I was doing so well.
Can you say "Christmas" (or "Ramadan" or "Hannukah")? It is the stress of the holidays and the changing of the seasons. It affects almost all of us.
>I am thinking of telling my son I am going to visit a friend and instead going in the hospital for a while. I am feeling very unstable.
Do what you have to to stay safe. I (and everyone else, I am sure) will be thinking of you.
>The depression feels like waves crashing into the ocean. When I feel bad I can't lay in the bed or the couch I just lay in the floor, I don't know if that makes any sense to anyone.
I understand. BTDT. There is nothing strange about wanting to lay on the floor. There were times in the not-too-distant-past that I preferred the floor of a closet. It was dark, calm, peaceful, quiet. Again, do what you have to, stay safe, and don't worry about what other people think. You need to take care of *Lexie* right now.
>I just feel like giving up. I wanted to stop the medication but he seems to just want to keep increasing it (I am taking 400 mgs. of Lamictal and 400 mgs. of Topamax). I think it is time to either end it all or try to get some serious help.
I understand. Everyone with bipolar disorder has been there. Just try your best to hang in there with us until Jan 2 or so. Then I really think you will start to feel better. If you want to change doctors, that is OK, but do so carefully -- the last thing you need right now is additional stress.
Lexie, please keep posting. I will be looking for you.
Ted
Posted by Lexie on December 6, 2000, at 18:31:17
In reply to Re: Is this the definition of Bi- Polar? » Lexie, posted by Ted on December 6, 2000, at 10:47:25
Ted
I am so glad you said what you did about the closet. You didn't know but just Tuesday I told my therapist that sometimes I felt like going into the closet and he looked like he was going to laugh. So out of embarrsement I said it was OK go ahead and laugh. It wasn't Ok it really hurt my feelings. Tonight my son looked at me and said "Mommy are you sad?" and I said "No" Why? and he pointed to the corners of his eyes and said, "because you have a little sad in your eyes", this is so much for a 5 year old. I just wish I could go away, I think he would be better off without me. I spent 9 years working at a Funeral Home ( I don't work there anymore, obvious reasons)I would read the death certificates of people that killed themselves just to get idea's. How brave they were. I used to work there service and think why didn't you ask for help? Now I guess I know the answer somethimes no amount of help is enough. I guess you can tell I am really hurting. Enough of your time. Lexie
Posted by Noa on December 6, 2000, at 19:21:09
In reply to Re: Is this the definition of Bi- Polar? » Lexie, posted by Ted on December 6, 2000, at 10:47:25
When I was in my early 20's, and very depressed, I used to curl up on the closet floor, in the dark, when I was feeling out of control. It would help me dissociate, in a way, and I would eventually get sleepy and doze off, and this would calm me a bit. I used to be ashamed of this, but I think it was good that I did it, because it seemed to help, at least in the moment.
Posted by Lexie on December 6, 2000, at 19:56:40
In reply to Re: Is this the definition of Bi- Polar?, posted by Noa on December 6, 2000, at 19:21:09
Noa
Thanks, after talking to my therapist a really began to feel like I was from "Mars." It is so good to hear that this feeling is OK and that others experience it too. It so good to hear from you again. I always know that I can count on you for support, thanks for being there. I need all the friends I can get right now. Lexie
Posted by shellie on December 6, 2000, at 20:52:38
In reply to Re: Is this the definition of Bi- Polar?, posted by Lexie on December 6, 2000, at 19:56:40
Lexie, hang in there. It's good that your son can recognize feelings already. Much better a sad mom than no mom.
Speaking of lying on the floor, I have even done that in therapy. Sometimes I just get too depressed and then tired and can't hold myself up at all. Most of the time I'll just lean with my head down on the arm of the chair when I feel that bad, but several times, I have said, I need to lie on the floor. It's strange because my therapist is pretty straight-laced, not sort of a lie on the floor type. But it's like I have to, so it's okay with her. It's protective, or something. Maybe being closer to the earth.
If you decide to go into the hospital, find a good doctor to work there, so he/she can adjust your meds. Be safe and keep writing. Shellie
Posted by ksvt on December 6, 2000, at 21:41:30
In reply to Re: Is this the definition of Bi- Polar?, posted by Lexie on December 6, 2000, at 19:56:40
> Lexie - when I'm really depressed, all I want to do is sit in a closet hiding my head. I think part of it is that everything seems like such a chore, and you just don't want to deal with anyone else's expectations. The closet must just seem like a place of retreat. When I think I was most suicidal, my kids weren't even part of the equation. Now, thinking about them, visualizing them helps to control suicidal impulses. You may not feel like the greatest Mom right now, but your son obviously has deep feelings for you which says to me that you've been doing something right. There is no way in the world that he's better off without you. Take care of yourself, and keep posting. ksvt
Noa
>
> Thanks, after talking to my therapist a really began to feel like I was from "Mars." It is so good to hear that this feeling is OK and that others experience it too. It so good to hear from you again. I always know that I can count on you for support, thanks for being there. I need all the friends I can get right now. Lexie
Posted by Ted on December 6, 2000, at 23:30:15
In reply to Re: Is this the definition of Bi- Polar?, posted by Lexie on December 6, 2000, at 19:56:40
Lexie,
Anything you feel like doing that isn't self-destructuve is OK. You are not weird. Lay on the floor (can't fall!) or curl up in the closet. Do what feels best. Think about how much your son needs you and cares for you. You have to make it though this tough time. And you have not used up my time. Remember -- we are all here for you. Keep talking - writing - I really think it helps.
Take care of yourself
Ted
Posted by quilter on December 6, 2000, at 23:32:07
In reply to Re: Is this the definition of Bi- Polar?, posted by ksvt on December 6, 2000, at 21:41:30
Sometimes things (including me) end up on the floor because then they can't fall any further. Lexie, You take good care of your son or he would not be so observant of someone else's distress. He would be so terribly hurt if you left him forever. I was always most in danger from my suicidal thoughts when I also began to believe my husband and kids would be better off without me. Please do what you need to to keep yourself safe. Even a few days off (in the hospital) can help to get a more balanced view of life.
Quilter
Posted by Kinderprize on December 7, 2000, at 5:53:23
In reply to Is this the definition of Bi- Polar?, posted by Lexie on December 4, 2000, at 20:54:59
> All I want to do is Die.
> All I want for Christmas is to get well.
> Lexie
Pressure. I relieve it from you.
Cry the eye. I dream for U.
Dream. Sleep. Still as you Will.
Dream. Still. Space for U.
Cry. Still. It hit me blue.
Friend of the unstable eye.
Posted by Noa on December 7, 2000, at 16:53:54
In reply to Re: Is this the definition of Bi- Polar?, posted by Lexie on December 6, 2000, at 19:56:40
My therapist at the time took it in stride and suggested maybe it had been something I had done as a child when I was upset. Look, for me, the alternative was feeling out of control and maybe doing something to hurt myself. Curling up in the closet was a way to contain myself and get through it. Don't get me wrong, though, I thought it was really really wierd, and was ashamed of it at the time (what WASN'T I ashamed of at that time?), but when I look back on it, I am glad I had it as a coping strategy, weird as it might be to most people, because it helped me survive. I also think that I am one of those people who is sensitive to sensory input and get overstimulated easily, and curling up in the closet helped "reset" my brain when my depression and anxiety had gotten to an overwhelming level.
In the winter, I still like to sleep completely under the covers--head and all, totally cave-like.
Posted by Christina on December 8, 2000, at 1:10:59
In reply to Is this the definition of Bi- Polar?, posted by Lexie on December 4, 2000, at 20:54:59
Lexie:
I feel for you.
I have the same thoughts, but my son (who is also 5) keeps me grounded. I know that as horrible as I feel, and as much I would liked to be relieved of my pain, I realize that no one would be a better mother to my precious child than I am.. and that is the ONLY thing that keeps me alive on most days.I have thought of going into the hospital for a while to "regroup" I'll have to see.
Are you married? If so, you may want to tell your husband how much pain you're in, so he can help alleviate some of the stressors in your life (we all know as much as we love our children, they make for a LOT of stress!)
Sorry I don't have more pearls of wisdom, but please keep posting.
Let's get through this together.
Posted by Lexie on December 8, 2000, at 6:42:00
In reply to I am where you are.... » Lexie, posted by Christina on December 8, 2000, at 1:10:59
Christina
Yes, I am married, 17 years this Sunday, and I am only 38. We waited 12 years to have our son and he was born on Christmas Day the best present ever. I called the hospital assessment center Thursday. I talked to my husband about it. I think he is just scared last time I went in it was an overdose and I didn't want to be there. He just doesn't want me to get myself into a situation I can't get out of. Do you know if someone checks thereself in can they check themselves out at anytime? I found myself making a list and getting everything done last night that I am usually the one that does around the house (pay the bills, wash, ect.. the usual). I just want to be ready. So if you all don't hear from me for a while you will know where I am. Lexie
Posted by Ted on December 8, 2000, at 10:12:34
In reply to Re: I am where you are...., posted by Lexie on December 8, 2000, at 6:42:00
Lexie,
I live in California, and here if someone checks themself into the hospital psych ward, they can check themself out at any time with no interference. If they are checked in against their will, they can usually still check themself out, but it takes only a little effort (meeting with doctor, patient advocate (lawyer), medical director).
I would bet all relatively progressive & liberal states provide the same.
And, yes, I think it is a good idea to just take some time off to relax in relative privacy and safety. I wish I could do it myself sometimes, for the same reasons. My problem is that I am the sole wage earner in my family and I sorta have to go to work, if you know what I mean.
If (when) you go, please give us one last message saying you are on your way so we don't worry about you, OK?
Take care of yourself.
Ted
Posted by Noa on December 8, 2000, at 10:52:19
In reply to Re: I am where you are...., posted by Ted on December 8, 2000, at 10:12:34
Lexie, ask the hospital assessment center that question, ask to see a copy of psych patients' rights.
The way you are going about setting up a possible hospitalization is so much different than your previous hospitalization. This is good--taking control of it as a possible way to take good care of yourself. That is so different than an emergency admission after an OD.
Posted by Lexie on December 9, 2000, at 8:55:44
In reply to Re: I am where you are...., posted by Ted on December 8, 2000, at 10:12:34
> If (when) you go, please give us one last message saying you are on your way so we don't worry about you, OK?
>
> Take care of yourself.
>
> TedTed
When it came right down to it the support of my husband just wasn't there. I called in sick to work Friday and spent the day sleeping. I am keeping my options open. Thank you to everyone for all of your support. All my best, Lexie
Posted by Lexie on December 10, 2000, at 18:12:41
In reply to Re: I am where you are...., posted by Lexie on December 9, 2000, at 8:55:44
Have any of you heard the song: "The Letter" by "Macy Gray"?
Posted by Noa on December 11, 2000, at 16:46:30
In reply to Macy Gray: The Letter, posted by Lexie on December 10, 2000, at 18:12:41
> Have any of you heard the song: "The Letter" by "Macy Gray"?
No, Lexie, I haven't.
Posted by Lexie on December 12, 2000, at 17:38:02
In reply to Re: Macy Gray: The Letter » Lexie, posted by Noa on December 11, 2000, at 16:46:30
> > Have any of you heard the song: "The Letter" by "Macy Gray"?
>
> No, Lexie, I haven't.\here they are:
Macy Gray - The Letter
All I ever wanted was some love and peace and harmony
I could dance in the raw in the sun underneath the stars
When I walk over to my money tree ain't nobody there
Trying to take from me
When they ask "Are you truly free?" I'd say "Yes, truly"
But down here in reality everybody knows there ain't
No such thing
And It's clear
It's obviously this is not the place I'm supposed to be
On and on and on I've searched
What I'm looking for is not here on earth
I can't stand I can't take no more
So I know that I gotta go
So long everybody
Mama don't be sad for me
Life was a heartache and now I am finally free
Don't know where I'm headed
Hope I see you someday soon
So long everybody
I have gone beyond the moonAll I ever wanted was some love and peace and harmony
Just to be live and shine
When I get ready I up and fly
And I can't remember none of the things that I want
To forget
It's the best - satisfaction no less
Ask if I'm free and I'll say "Oh yes"
But down here in reality everybody knows there ain't
No such thing
And It's clear
It's obviously this is not the place I'm supposed to be
On and on and on I've searched
What I'm looking for is not here on earth
I can't stand I can't take no more
So I know that I gotta go
So long everybody
Mama don't be sad for me
Life was a heartache and now I am finally free
Don't know where I'm headed
Hope I see you someday soon
So long everybody
Posted by Noa on December 12, 2000, at 19:21:58
In reply to Here are the words, posted by Lexie on December 12, 2000, at 17:38:02
Thank you, Lex.
Obviously, I am worried about you. The song is beautiful and expressive, but is also suggestive of suicidal thinking. Please get the help you need.
I sent you an email--I hope you read it.
This is the end of the thread.
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