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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 148 to 172 of 299. Go back in thread:
Posted by coral on November 8, 2000, at 4:38:58
In reply to Choreographic Spellcheck, posted by Emmanuela on November 8, 2000, at 0:21:03
Well, all dear Lumptonians,
We have no idea who the next President of the United States is going to be. I am so grateful that as a citizen of Lumptonia, I am accustomed to confusion, shifting realities, statements of "fact" being rather quickly retracted, and I have never understood Florida!!!
Now would be the time for Lumptonia to lead the U.S.A. Look at all we managed to accomplish yesterday while never leaving the comfort of our couches. I thank our esteemed Ambassador for his succinct recap.
CPE
Posted by Greg on November 8, 2000, at 7:51:57
In reply to Hmmmm. Maybe I will drop this train of thought., posted by shar on November 7, 2000, at 12:34:42
Ladies of Lumptonia,
I feel I must comment (while lumping before my computer of course) on Lady Shar's request.
The Havenmaster (that's me) was rescued as a small child from a pack of ravenous wolves by a wonderful woman, who for future reference shall be called The Grandma (TG). I was raised in a female dominated family environment and learned first-hand about the trials and tribulations that women face on a daily basis. TG helped to foster a respect in me for all women which stands the test of time. I am in awe of all that is female.
My promise is this, I will always stand by your side, defend you against any and all enemies, listen attentively when you need an ear, be broad shouldered when you need one to cry on. I will support your decisions even if I think you are wrong. I will love and honor your very existence.
In my eyes, whether you be a Seer, Historical Curator, Messiah, Choreographer or a High Priestess, please know that in my eyes you are Goddesses one and all.
Mi Ladies, I humbly await your needs,
The Havenmaster
> The Ambassador (and Havenmaster, I bet) MUCH appreciate the female citizenry, and the appreciation might be mutual to some of the single female citizens. There should be a custom that the Ambassador and the Havenmaster are on-call to the single females, since females are the vast majority here. (get the drift?) But, I can't print in the Archives the real reason the two (ecstatic) males are on-call (that would be scandalous!). So I need an innocent-sounding reason why the very happy males can be called upon day or night by the single female citizens.
>
> Is that more clear?
> HPR CH
>
>
> > Dear CHEPTH,
> >
> > Curator of Historical Esteem and Priestess of Theorethical Highness????
> >
> > Now, you have confused me. As a true Lumptonian, I am often confused, dazed, generally befuddled as well as mistress of computer idjitry, but I am clueless as to what reasons you're seeking.
> >
> > I wholeheartedly support the Ambassador cover-up, especially if it's a warm banky.
> >
> > CPE (STERLING!!!)
Posted by Racer on November 8, 2000, at 8:11:03
In reply to Re: Election, posted by coral on November 8, 2000, at 4:38:58
Whaddaya mean we don't know the new president? I won! I'm the president now. You have to do what I say.
And I say if you don't have enough sense to vote for the lesser of the two evils, you shouldn't vote!
As for all of us Lumptonians, it is my declaration that if your SO has not the sense to vote properly, thou must not untie him/her on election day!
Any questions?
Posted by coral on November 8, 2000, at 8:15:30
In reply to Re: Election I WON!!! » coral, posted by Racer on November 8, 2000, at 8:11:03
Dearest Messiah....
Has Thou been imbibing on the National drink this fine morn???
If not, just what are you on and where can I get some??? :)
CPE (Sterling)
Posted by S. Howard on November 8, 2000, at 8:30:51
In reply to Re: We have found our Seer, posted by coral on November 7, 2000, at 20:35:23
I guess Lumpacle would be a fitting term, especially on one of THOSE days. Also I believe a Diet Coke IV is an acceptable replacement for coffee(although I couldn't imagine it replacing a triple shot of espresso), especially in Tennessee where Jesus is Lord at Somebody's Restaurant. I always get a kick out of those signs. SGH
Posted by S. Howard on November 8, 2000, at 9:01:33
In reply to Re: We have found our Seer » S. Howard, posted by B Day on November 7, 2000, at 20:41:32
Ahh, Wild Irish Rose is an excellent wine. Of course nobody is required to imbibe, as caffeinated sodas and coffee (no decaf)and Nestles Quik (with or without milk) are all acceptable alternatives. However, here is some drink for thought:
The holidays are upon us and those who suffer from IRS (Irritating Relative Syndrome) are beginning to shift uncomfortably on our couches. I am related to people that like to sing carols and say things like, "Uh, did you keep the receipt?" and "Of course you can't go back to bed!" Now, what could be a more festive drink for these people than mulled red wine? Heat up some Wild Irish Rose with a few cinnamon sticks, a little Depakote, some cloves, a pinch of Seroquel...not enough to HURT anybody, naturally, that's only something I fantasize about...just enough for Aunt Bunny to stop talking and say, "Oh, what was I complaining about?" than quietly nod off. Good idea huh?
OF COURSE I'm joking! Of course I am. ;-)
Posted by coral on November 8, 2000, at 9:07:47
In reply to Lumpacle, posted by S. Howard on November 8, 2000, at 8:30:51
You must be talking about the Doo Drop Inn! :)
I live in Michigan now, and the signs here are equally weird. There's a sign that says:
CAUTION DECOY AREA
This is in a heavily-traveled metro area.... so, I'm guessing they're not talking about duck decoys...
And, to think, some folks think Lumptonia is weird! The nerve!
Re: expresso.... you're quite right, but I do augment the diet Coke with chocolate!!!! Speaking of drinks, I think our Madam Messiah is nipping into the national drink or one of your triple expressos!
CPE
BTW, is the Ambassador still in the dog house?
Posted by noa on November 8, 2000, at 10:49:44
In reply to Re: Election, posted by coral on November 8, 2000, at 4:38:58
One thing is for sure, we KNOW that in the Land of Lump, ALL ballots are ABSENTEE ballots, and are sent directly from the couch.
Posted by B Day on November 8, 2000, at 10:59:54
In reply to Re: Lumpacle, posted by coral on November 8, 2000, at 9:07:47
> CPE
>
> BTW, is the Ambassador still in the dog house?(scratch, scratch, sniff, sniff, lick, lick, wag, wag) ...Wooof, wooof!!
B
Posted by B Day on November 8, 2000, at 11:11:53
In reply to Re: Lumpacle, posted by coral on November 8, 2000, at 9:07:47
The Havenmaster is smooooooooooooth!
The Messiah is druuuuuuuuunnnkkk!
More great tips for the Lumping Life including triple-shot expresso and chocolate-spiked Diet Coke IV.
Another abso-almost-said-it-again-lutely outstanding pronouncement from the Lumpacle on managing relatives during IRS and the holidays!
A correction was made that our Sterling CPE is now a Michigan Hillbilly.
Ambassador B
Posted by shar on November 8, 2000, at 11:15:44
In reply to Status Clarification, posted by Greg on November 8, 2000, at 7:51:57
As it has been said, the ladies of Lumptonia (especially those who are single) may need, at times, to call on our Ambassador or Havenmaster for (ahem) help in making their lives more whole. The honorable Havenmaster has given his words to Lumptonian Ladies as follows:
"I will always stand by your side, defend you against any and all enemies, listen attentively when you need an ear, be broad shouldered when you need one to cry on. I will support your decisions even if I think you are wrong. I will love and honor your very existence."
I am sure our Esteemed Ambassador would agree with those loving words for the Ladies (especially those without a WH), and should be released from the dog house forthwith and anent.
The Right Honorable Herstorical Curator and High Priestess of Research
Posted by shar on November 8, 2000, at 11:24:21
In reply to Re: Election I WON!!!, posted by coral on November 8, 2000, at 8:15:30
Or perhaps taken a quick jaunt to the Halls of Hypomania?
TRHHCAHPOR
> Dearest Messiah....
>
> Has Thou been imbibing on the National drink this fine morn???
>
> If not, just what are you on and where can I get some??? :)
>
> CPE (Sterling)
Posted by B Day on November 8, 2000, at 12:19:13
In reply to Treatise for the Ladies of Lumptonia, posted by shar on November 8, 2000, at 11:15:44
> I am sure our Esteemed Ambassador would agree with those loving words for the Ladies (especially those without a WH), and should be released from the dog house forthwith and anent.
>
> The Right Honorable Herstorical Curator and High Priestess of Research
>Dearest Right Honorable Herstorical Curator and High Priestess of Research,
The Ambassador and the Havenmaster are very much in accordance regarding our affection for and commitment to the fair lumpettes of our land.
As such, I, the Ambassador...
...will always stand by your side, defend you against any and all enemies, listen attentively when you need an ear, be broad shouldered when you need one to cry on. I will support your decisions even if I think you are wrong. I will love and honor your very existence.
And in harmony with the wishes of The Right Honorable Herstorical Curator and High Priestess of Research, I agree to make myself available to the ladies of Lumptonia (including those who are single) if they need, at times, to call on the Ambassador to help in making their wholes more live.
Long live the Ambassador! Wooof, wooof!
From The Couch Of The Dog House Of The Office Of The Ambassador Of Lumptonia...
Your feisty servant,
Ambassador B
Posted by coral on November 8, 2000, at 12:55:34
In reply to The Day's Early Recap:, posted by B Day on November 8, 2000, at 11:11:53
Dear Mr. Ambassador,
A correction was made that our Sterling CPE is now a Michigan Hillbilly. Ahem..... No, I am not a hillbilly, nor a redneck . . . however, I have been justifiably accused (or complimented) on being a Rebel . . . I am a southerner! As a southerner, it's never a question of whether one has insanity in one's family, but only a question of which side!
You've also mentioned.... gulp, gasp, groan and growl, the HOLIDAYS.
For one of such wisdom, surely you have suggestions about effectively ignoring the loud, boisterous incomprehensible onslaught that's already galloped into society. While creeping into the local pharmacy for prescriptions, I encountered blazing red and green banners, signs proclaiming the spurious advantages of shopping early, and toys suffering from terminal cuteness. Scrooge said it best "Bah! Humbug!"
Help!!!!
Sterling CPE (or should that be SSCPE - southern sterling couoch person extraordinare?)
Posted by Greg on November 8, 2000, at 13:22:43
In reply to Re: Back to the doghouse Mr A, posted by coral on November 8, 2000, at 12:55:34
Having witnessed some of the words Mr. Ambassador has had the mis-fortune of choosing in his recent correspondance (I cringed while shaking my head sadly), perhaps now would be a good time to review THE list of words and phrases that you never, ever say to a woman?
I've had lots of practice in this area, and would be glad to offer my expertise if needed...
HM
Posted by coral on November 8, 2000, at 13:41:12
In reply to Perhaps a word list is in order?, posted by Greg on November 8, 2000, at 13:22:43
Dear Greg,
As Couch Person Extraordinaire who, every now and again, gives a horizontal report of matters in the field, or field of matters, I actively seek your contributions!!!!!
Our poor Ambassador has been barking, scratching, licking and wagging... I wouldn't be a bit surprised to see the poor darling howling at the moon shortly . . . his faux paws have certainly been unintentional...now, his intentional pawing is an entirely different matter that our Esteemed Historical Curator will be covering up...
:)
CPE
Posted by B Day on November 8, 2000, at 14:24:27
In reply to Re: Perhaps a word list is in order?, posted by coral on November 8, 2000, at 13:41:12
To the Good People of Lumptonia,
The Ambassador has decided to postpone his much anticipated flight to Hypomania indefinitely. This is due to lack of responsiveness from the areas he considered his largest incentive for the trip. The Ambassador was truly looking forward to the opportunity of interacting both one on one and in group with our nation's Lumpettes.
It's needless to say making this cancellation was a difficult decision for me. Nevertheless, I have plenty of Hersey's and Cool Whip and take heart for the possibility of a future excursion for I've seen that whether they say "yes", or whether they say "no", every Lumptonian woman seems glad to be asked.
With faux paws from The Cocoon In The Cave Of The Dog House In The Office Of The Ambassador Of Lumptonia,
Mr. A, B
Posted by shar on November 8, 2000, at 14:36:25
In reply to Re: Perhaps a word list is in order?, posted by coral on November 8, 2000, at 13:41:12
To all Lumptonians,
Remember the Lumptonian Ladies, please. Even though our Esteemed Labrador has made MANY faux paws, and has spent and inordinate amount of time on the couch of his dog house, he (how can I say this) has given the secret coded message that some of the populace wants to hear.
I will, of course, make sure that any words attributed to the Ambassador or Havenmaster on the topic of women will be sensitive, caring, and honorable when they appear in the Archives. Any hint of feistiness will not be recorded in the Official Herstorical Archives; that is not to say these two Honorable Gentlemen should eschew feistiness in reality and when called upon.
(Does everyone get the drift, NOW?) Siiggghhhhhhhh...
The Right Honorable Herstorical Curator and High Priestess of Research
> Dear Greg,
>
> As Couch Person Extraordinaire who, every now and again, gives a horizontal report of matters in the field, or field of matters, I actively seek your contributions!!!!!
>
> Our poor Ambassador has been barking, scratching, licking and wagging... I wouldn't be a bit surprised to see the poor darling howling at the moon shortly . . . his faux paws have certainly been unintentional...now, his intentional pawing is an entirely different matter that our Esteemed Historical Curator will be covering up...
>
> :)
>
> CPE
Posted by B Day on November 8, 2000, at 14:40:28
In reply to Perhaps a word list is in order?, posted by Greg on November 8, 2000, at 13:22:43
>...perhaps now would be a good time to review THE list of words and phrases that you never, ever say to a woman?
>
> I've had lots of practice in this area, and would be glad to offer my expertise if needed...
>
> HMDear HavenMaster our Honorary and Smoothest Citizen of Lumptonia,
The Ambassador desperately needs such a list. If your Smoothness can provide the Ambassador with one, he will be forever in your debt.
Otherwise, the Ambassador may soon be seeking political refugee status and asylum in your beautiful land of Haven.
Grovelingly,
Ambassador B
Posted by shar on November 8, 2000, at 14:43:12
In reply to From The Office Of The Ambassador:, posted by B Day on November 8, 2000, at 14:24:27
The Ambassador seems to believe he has a choice in the matter.
TRHCOHAHPOR
> To the Good People of Lumptonia,
>
> The Ambassador has decided to postpone his much anticipated flight to Hypomania indefinitely. This is due to lack of responsiveness from the areas he considered his largest incentive for the trip. The Ambassador was truly looking forward to the opportunity of interacting both one on one and in group with our nation's Lumpettes.
>
> It's needless to say making this cancellation was a difficult decision for me. Nevertheless, I have plenty of Hersey's and Cool Whip and take heart for the possibility of a future excursion for I've seen that whether they say "yes", or whether they say "no", every Lumptonian woman seems glad to be asked.
>
> With faux paws from The Cocoon In The Cave Of The Dog House In The Office Of The Ambassador Of Lumptonia,
>
> Mr. A, B
Posted by B Day on November 8, 2000, at 15:15:25
In reply to From The Office Of The Ambassador: » B Day, posted by shar on November 8, 2000, at 14:43:12
...and so it goes: another typical day in Lumptonia. The birds are chirping, the bees are buzzing and the Ambassador is out of shotgun shells.
The Ambassador wonders if the Lumptonian people find as funny as he does that the most provocative and interesting aspect of the current presidential race has come after the votes have been cast.
This sounds to the Ambassador like something out of a Kurt Vonnegut novel.
With nipped hindquarters,
B, The Labradorian Ambassador Of Lumptonia
Posted by Greg on November 8, 2000, at 18:40:58
In reply to To The HavenMaster HSC: » Greg, posted by B Day on November 8, 2000, at 14:40:28
AB,
I thought rather than to deal with the words as individual entities, I would cover the avoidable subjects,
There are three, Age, Assumption of Meaning and That Time of the Month.
1. Never assume a woman's age:
Avoid phrases like "Is that a grey hair? or "You're not getting older, you're getting better" The one that gets me in the most trouble is "Those aren't wrinkles dear, they're laugh lines"
The viable alternative in all age situations is "Your intelligence is exceeded only by your timeless beauty"
2. Never assume you understand what a woman means:
The following phrases are an accident looking for a place to happen, just fill in the blanks. "But you told me to_________, or "But you said yesterday_________. The worst one being "If you didn't mean it, why did you say it?
The alternative in this situation is always "Dear, your incredible ability to adapt to any given situation has always been a source of inspiration to me"
Never assume that a woman's mood is due to That Time of the Month:
Avoid phrases like "I understand dear, this time of the month is difficult for you" or "What can I do to make you feel better?" The time of the month is not the problem, you are and you don't understand. Despite your best efforts, you will say something that will make her cry. PMS really does mean "Putting up with Men's shit", get used to it.
There is no alternative here. You can't win and you'll only make things worse by trying.
I hope this helps in some way to keep your time in the dog house to a minimum. As I think of more to share with you, I will pass it on.
Alwaye remember that Women are God's greatest and most wonderful creations. Treat them as such and you will survive.
HM
There is no alternative here. This subject is taboo. You can't win, don't try.
Posted by coral on November 8, 2000, at 18:47:53
In reply to Welcome To The Monkey House!, posted by B Day on November 8, 2000, at 15:15:25
Hey, Puppy Paws!!!!!
And they say we're the ones who are nuts???
CPE
Posted by alicefranklin on November 8, 2000, at 19:49:21
In reply to Subjects NEVER to be broached » B Day, posted by Greg on November 8, 2000, at 18:40:58
It amazes me that you seem to have no idea how offensive this is to intelligent, thinking women. (NOT LADIES) It amazes me that you consider yourself to be some charming cherubic
haven provider. I can't believe no one has called you on this sh*t in all these months. At least it proves the point I made months ago: just because one is (insert diagnosis) doesn't mean one is necessarily smarter, more sensitive, more creative, more intelligent, more PERf'ingCEPTIVE than the run-of the-mill slob.
Posted by B Day on November 8, 2000, at 20:03:13
In reply to Re: Subjects NEVER to be broached, posted by alicefranklin on November 8, 2000, at 19:49:21
> It amazes me that you seem to have no idea how offensive this is to intelligent, thinking women. (NOT LADIES) It amazes me that you consider yourself to be some charming cherubic
> haven provider. I can't believe no one has called you on this sh*t in all these months. At least it proves the point I made months ago: just because one is (insert diagnosis) doesn't mean one is necessarily smarter, more sensitive, more creative, more intelligent, more PERf'ingCEPTIVE than the run-of the-mill slob.
>Sorry Greg, I was just waitin' for you to get that one! ;-b
Smilin' from the Dog House,
Mr. A
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