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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by QuietHeart on February 4, 2005, at 19:47:28
Ok, so hope this is the appropriate board, I think it is. My issue has to do with my tendency to motherize every professional woman I meet. Basically, I like my mom and everything but have had serious issues with her in the past, and deep down we are very different and don't have an affectionate relationship. I am pretty sure there were some early childhood bonding issues too, as in I felt rejected by her from an early age and didn't bond so well with her. Now, as an adult (I am 26) I am an established professional living away from her and have a decent relationship with her. I am very educated and she is not. We differ significantly along these lines.
At this age, and perhaps because of my history, I CRAVE a mother figure and fantasize about some women in my life cuddling me, hugging me, being tender with me, just asking about my life, holding me while I cry. lately, it's been my boss and I am kind of obsessed. I want so bad for her to get close to me. I daydream about us being friends of sorts (but maybe mother and daughter in a way). Is this weird? I find I dream about this with so many professional accomplished women that come across my path. it makes me feel weird bc I almost want this kind of affection from a woman more than I want a relationship with a man. I know I am not gay though, I think I want to the tenderness and guidance. Help! I feel like a freak.
Posted by Susan47 on February 4, 2005, at 20:02:14
In reply to wanting motherly love, posted by QuietHeart on February 4, 2005, at 19:47:28
How sad for you, Quietheart. Is there any way you and your mother can get counselled together to have the relationship you want?
Posted by cubic_me on February 5, 2005, at 14:44:20
In reply to wanting motherly love, posted by QuietHeart on February 4, 2005, at 19:47:28
QuietHeart, I have a similar thing with older, professional women. It has got a lot less intense since I started therapy, but since I was 13 or 14 I began to feel obsessed with a sucession of women (I am female, 22). I knew that it all stemed from me not having a close emotional bond with my mum, but it was really hard to deal with, and at times I questioned my sexuality (despite not wanting a sexual relationship with any of these women). I would try to get close to them, want to know about their personal lives, and fantasize about them somehow finding out that I was depressed (even though outwardly I hid my depression very well).
I don't really have any suggestions for you, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone and that there is somebody out there who knows how it feels.
Posted by QuietHeart on February 5, 2005, at 17:11:04
In reply to Re: wanting motherly love » QuietHeart, posted by cubic_me on February 5, 2005, at 14:44:20
CM, your post has definitely made me feel like less of a freak. I, too, have questioned my sexuality and then slowly realzied needing this is about nurturance and not sex. Anyway, why do you think this has lessened since you started therapy? My therapist is a woman so she is just another person I latch on to. It is so painful to know that I will never get what I want out of my relationships with these women. I, too, fantasize about them asking if I am depressed, etc. Any further dialogue on the issue would be appreciated.
Posted by anastasia56 on February 6, 2005, at 0:52:13
In reply to wanting motherly love, posted by QuietHeart on February 4, 2005, at 19:47:28
if your childhood did not contain a nurturing mother i believe we continue to seek that person/figure through our adulthood. nurturing plays such an integral role in our ability to mature. one can find someone to fulfill that role even a male. i married a very nurturing man and he gives me that puzzle piece that was missing at home. my mother was a good mother but she didn't know how to nurture because she had never been nurtured.
ana
Posted by ron1953 on February 6, 2005, at 12:44:06
In reply to Re: wanting motherly love, posted by anastasia56 on February 6, 2005, at 0:52:13
Dear Quiet,
Regardless of your "significant other" status, I think you'll find the theories of Harville Hendrix, author of "Getting The Love You Want" and "Keeping The Love You Find", interesting regarding the healing of childhood wounds. An interview you can read at http://www.divorcemagazine.com/library/relationships/harvillehendrix.html will give you a flavor of his work. Happy reading.
Ron
Posted by cubic_me on February 6, 2005, at 13:51:52
In reply to Re: wanting motherly love - for Cubic especially, posted by QuietHeart on February 5, 2005, at 17:11:04
> Anyway, why do you think this has lessened since you started therapy? My therapist is a woman so she is just another person I latch on to.
I latched on to my therapist too, but I think I have developed more but I became more independent from her when I began opening up more to a few select people, including my [then] new boyfriend. That was probably because other people were starting to give me the things that I was craving. At the beginning this was very difficult - I hide my depression etc very well, and had hardly talked about it, and as soon as I talked I began to really attach to the people I talked to, but that has faded significantly now.
However much I want motherly love, I certainly do not want it from my mother, I find that strange, but understandable at the same time. I suppose I don't feel that she deserves to know much about me.
I've always thought of these feelings as another form of transference - just on to people other than my therapist. It's painful and addictive at the same time, and that's what makes it so hard.
Posted by gardenergirl on February 6, 2005, at 17:10:50
In reply to Re: wanting motherly love - for Cubic especially » QuietHeart, posted by cubic_me on February 6, 2005, at 13:51:52
You're right. It's another form of transference. The technical term is extra-therapy transference. It's important and wonderful that you can look at it this way, because I think that goes a long way to feeling okay about your feelings.
It's very human to need and to want this. It's very sad when we do not get it as a child and have to struggle to find it as an adult. Certainly it's okay to seek this in others, but that also involves making yourself vulnerable to them. I am lucky that I have a lovely husband who can provide this when I ask. (now if he's only learn to do it routinely...:) Also, I have an aunt and uncle who give love freely. When I am around them I just soak it up like a sponge.
One thing that has been helpful for me is to try to nurture my child-self. I try to visualize us together...me as an adult and me as a child at the same time. And I try to re-parent that child and let her know she is loved and wanted. It can be a very emotional exercise, but I find it valuable.
((((((to all who need)))))))))))))
gg
Posted by lonelygal2 on February 6, 2005, at 22:47:02
In reply to wanting motherly love, posted by QuietHeart on February 4, 2005, at 19:47:28
i just saw this post and wanted to write and tell you that i feel exactly the same way, wanting a professional woman to mother me, and that you aren't alone, and thus should not feel like a freak... i'm also over-educated (in med school), and 24 and my relationship with my mother is very strained. now it's almost business-like, i don't open up to her b/c i never know what to expect, so in no way would i ever want to appear vulnerable with her. she's also not as educated as i am, so there is a huge barrier there too, and i feel like some conflicting feelings on her part of both pride and jealousy towards me. i have found in the past that when i try to open up to her i always get hurt, so our relationship has evolved into my always comforting her with her depression, etc, but my needs are never acknowledged or even discussed.
i would very much want a female mentor of mine to take care of me. i really feel like i need a 'mom' sometimes or i'm going to fall apart. a lot of times i do find surrogate moms, i think my old therapist turned into a mom-like figure for me although she was young herself, i dunno, i suppose i have tons of issues relating to my need to be nurtured. i feel unstable if it's just me on my own i guess. i wonder if this is how you feel too?> Ok, so hope this is the appropriate board, I think it is. My issue has to do with my tendency to motherize every professional woman I meet. Basically, I like my mom and everything but have had serious issues with her in the past, and deep down we are very different and don't have an affectionate relationship. I am pretty sure there were some early childhood bonding issues too, as in I felt rejected by her from an early age and didn't bond so well with her. Now, as an adult (I am 26) I am an established professional living away from her and have a decent relationship with her. I am very educated and she is not. We differ significantly along these lines.
> At this age, and perhaps because of my history, I CRAVE a mother figure and fantasize about some women in my life cuddling me, hugging me, being tender with me, just asking about my life, holding me while I cry. lately, it's been my boss and I am kind of obsessed. I want so bad for her to get close to me. I daydream about us being friends of sorts (but maybe mother and daughter in a way). Is this weird? I find I dream about this with so many professional accomplished women that come across my path. it makes me feel weird bc I almost want this kind of affection from a woman more than I want a relationship with a man. I know I am not gay though, I think I want to the tenderness and guidance. Help! I feel like a freak.
Posted by rainbowbrite on February 7, 2005, at 0:52:35
In reply to wanting motherly love, posted by QuietHeart on February 4, 2005, at 19:47:28
I used to long for a mother figure, when I was young my mother said she could nnot play that role for me and that I should go find a mother figure in someone else. Well that isn't that easy, particularly when your so young. My mother wasns't a great mother or role model, she was very screwed up in a very functioal way! she Was selective with love and I didn't seem to qualify. As a teenager I rememebr tryin to bond with females, and at times males as well probably becasue of the father presnce. My dilemma is that I have a really hard time opening up and actually letting people in so that conflicts with what I want. I have had people try to take that role but I won't let it get to close (not sure why). Im not sure when these feelings wained but I do remember looking for that mother figure. I guess one day I realized that I was wanting something that would never happen (being taken into a new family). I decided to work on my relationship with my mother. Well, thats over rated lol. Unless the other party wants it as much as you do I just don't think it works. Now that Ive lost myself in my thoughts...my point is that you are not weird, I think alot of people experience this. I don't think about finding that mother figure anymore but I think it sits dormant in the back of my mind. It is an awful feeling wanting soemthing you can't have. I am lucky that I haven't experienced any T issues with this. it sounds confusing.
I hope it helps to know you are not alone with thisrain
Posted by QuietHeart on February 7, 2005, at 0:53:25
In reply to Re: wanting motherly love, posted by lonelygal2 on February 6, 2005, at 22:47:02
I absolutely feel this way. I am a professional and feel I need the support to be free in myself that another professional woman can provide. Also, I definitely DON'T crave a closer relationship w my mom. That chapter is sort of closed. I like my mom, just don't feel there is too much poential for anything more than we have. But with my current boss, who is a very powerful woman, I CRAVE for her to take me under her wing and give me sepcial attention, hug me, sympathize with me. Sometimes I think of even exaggerating whatever my reality is a little bit to hook her in and garner her sympathy. is this so terrible? I just so much want guidance and nruturance from a professional woman. Any other thoughts, LonelyGal? thanks for writing
Posted by cubic_me on February 7, 2005, at 5:36:59
In reply to Re: wanting motherly love - for LonelyGal, posted by QuietHeart on February 7, 2005, at 0:53:25
> I CRAVE for her to take me under her wing and give me sepcial attention, hug me, sympathize with me. Sometimes I think of even exaggerating whatever my reality is a little bit to hook her in and garner her sympathy. is this so terrible?
I used to do this, and feel terrible for it, but the desire for the person to know about me seemed too strong to fight. In a way, it worked, but I was never satisfied, I was always left wanting more. I think that because I idolised and idealised about the person so much, they could never live up to my expectations.
Posted by lonelygal2 on February 7, 2005, at 10:50:45
In reply to Re: wanting motherly love - for LonelyGal, posted by QuietHeart on February 7, 2005, at 0:53:25
everything you said makes perfect sense to me. wanting to be loved and accepted and mothered can be such a powerful feeling for me too, and it sort of makes sense that you would want to exaggerate to hook her in... and maybe you feel like your problems aren't important enough to be given such caring.. b/c you never had that... which may add to your feeling that you would need to exaggerate too to get someone to care..
i guess there are no easy answers. and with your boss, i totally understand your feelings, but i would warn you to be very careful b/c she is your boss... are you in therapy? i never really talked about this directly with my old t, but we always did talk about my relationship with my mom, and i did get very attached to her (the t), and i think she knew why, and umm, well maybe the best place to address this would be in therapy.
i dunno... if i was around women i would probably do the same thing, but all my mentors, or profs i work with now, are men, and well, i would never talk to a man in a million years about any of this, so i'm sort of sure i won't get into this kind of trouble right now... but not having a surrogate mother at all right now, is umm, well tough.> I absolutely feel this way. I am a professional and feel I need the support to be free in myself that another professional woman can provide. Also, I definitely DON'T crave a closer relationship w my mom. That chapter is sort of closed. I like my mom, just don't feel there is too much poential for anything more than we have. But with my current boss, who is a very powerful woman, I CRAVE for her to take me under her wing and give me sepcial attention, hug me, sympathize with me. Sometimes I think of even exaggerating whatever my reality is a little bit to hook her in and garner her sympathy. is this so terrible? I just so much want guidance and nruturance from a professional woman. Any other thoughts, LonelyGal? thanks for writing
Posted by wintergirl on February 19, 2005, at 23:56:13
In reply to wanting motherly love, posted by QuietHeart on February 4, 2005, at 19:47:28
hi, i have the EXACT SAME issue. i would really like to exhange emails with you, and perhaps we could help each other out. if you are interested, please email me at wintergirl827@aol.com
very much looking forward to hearing from you!!!!
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