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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Willful on March 9, 2014, at 10:41:19
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 10:11:14
Dinah, I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive him a little after time.
When a therapists get sick, most of them probably react like frightened people rather than therapists. And with that come all the limitations and failings that they try to shield us from in the therapy room-- so try to forgive him as a human being, if you can't as a therapist.
It will be better for your heart if you do-- bitterness is something I've experienced and it takes a lot of work to undo it once you've fallen into it-- I'm working on it myself and it does have a strong hold-- so try not to let it take over-- You're a fighter and you can be strong and loving enough to see through the incredibly disappointing and failed therapist to the person beneath-- We don;t know about his life, his childhood, the failings of maturation or growth that have left him so vulnerable to fear-- and so prone to running away-- leaving others to cope alone.
But whatever it is, he's human, all too human-- and deserves compassion most when he's done so wrongly-- I'm sure in his heart he knows-- that you deserved better.
That's an incredible test of resolve-- and I don't suggest it lightly because I, like everyone else, am wondering how I would fare in your shoes- because we all know we likely will be. We know where you're going through-- and I hope for myself that I can live up to being loving even if (when) my therapist abandons me to live without him.
It may seem like the end of the world-- which in a way it is-- because his protective wing may not be there, but you will survive-- don't do to yourself what seems like punishing him--
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 11:31:40
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave, posted by Willful on March 9, 2014, at 10:41:19
Actually, it does kind of help to remember that this is a pattern. He can be weak in crisis. If he deserted his wife, deserting me seems less personal.
In time I'll try to feel compassion. But for now, it hurts less to feel angry than to worry.
I'm not so strong myself.
I do remember the god stuff. I remember once he put on his minister hat and listened to my confession, and gave me formal absolution. It was one of the most powerful experiences of my life. Had I quit when I knew who he was, I'd have never experienced that.
But I'm not sure I want to think of those things right now.
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 11:33:22
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 11:31:40
Good stuff, not god stuff. Spellcheck made an unintentional Freudian slip.
Posted by Poet on March 9, 2014, at 12:16:14
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 11:33:22
Hi Dinah,
I remember your therapist running away during Katrina. I didn't know that you more or less was his therapist when his therapist died. Pardon the pun, but that's just plain crazy.
Poet
Posted by Willful on March 9, 2014, at 12:18:38
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 11:33:22
Freudian slips are forgiven!
I don't know if this is an off-the-wall idea, but sometimes when I'm really in pain, I try to find at a comedy whow or a favorite funny movie, which lightens my mood. And this helps. I like Monty Python-- The anger clinic always makes me smile-- and the Daily Show-- but whoever is your favorite---
It is awfully early to get over the anger and disappointment.
I was reading an article yesterday that talked about grieving. It said that the Kuhbler-Ross stages were probably not correct and that studies showed that people grieved more in periods of pain and reawakened vitality that cycled again and again. It said the cycles kept on until the good part of the cycle was longer and the pain cycle was shorter and less intense-- and that it could take a lot of time, or for some lucky few not so much time--but that eventually, the pain was relieved-- and the sense of going on became stronger and stronger.
Its hard, extremely hard, to get through this part-- but you're wise to see this as a death- the loss of a relationship-- and to grieve it as you would any lost deep relationship. Lost relationships are one of the worst, most potentially damaging parts of life-- and there's nothing you can do, but make it through.
I too was wondering-- if he abandons his wife-- who else will he not abandon? So this is who he is-- for better and, in this case, for worse--
but it is what is is-- a very tough and painful road. You'll come out of it stronger I hope-- but it will take time
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 13:01:21
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave, posted by Poet on March 9, 2014, at 12:16:14
Well, I wouldn't say that. It's more like he was a fellow babbler for a couple of sessions. Someone who understood that among other sad things, it was also a horrible horrible thing for a therapist to do to his clients. He said it really helped him understand the responsibility a therapist had to his clients.
Because you know, most people don't understand. They feel sorry for the therapist and think the client is being self centered. For at least a couple of weeks he understood the other side.
Then he went to a meeting for the guy's clients and found out a bit of what was so bewildering to him. That made him feel better.
Ironic, really.
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 13:07:11
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave, posted by Willful on March 9, 2014, at 12:18:38
You are right. He is what he is. I even knew it.
I remember feeling horribly guilty for laughing at Fawlty Towers when a dear dog had died. I still can't watch it without remembering.
I never did agree with the stages of grief. The conceptualization you describe more closely matches my own experience. Waves still hit from long ago losses. But they subside.
Thanks, Willful.
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 13:57:30
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 13:07:11
"Dinah,
I'm so very sorry I have not been able to contact you until now. Unfortunately, I am out on an emergency medical leave for an undetermined duration while I (undergo chemotherapy) (learn to walk again) (take care of my family member) (am in jail/rehab/unable to make or receive calls or emails). I will contact you when I am able to schedule appointments, but it will be a minimum of four months - probably more.
I know that therapists aren't washing machines, and I won't belittle twenty years of building a therapeutic relationship by advising you to carry on your treatment with a new therapist. But if you need support or assistance, or if you need to process my leaving, I hope that you will contact one of the therapists whose names I gave you. I really think they will be a good fit for you. If they aren't available, xxxx of xxx at (xxx)xxx-xxxx is available for my clients.
This is absolutely not a rejection of you or of our years together. I don't know when I might be able to come back, but I very much regret having to do this and I don't do it lightly."
If he said that, leaving out the "continue your treatment" and "new and current clients", and adding a bit more personalization without adding significantly more words I'd have probably been very upset but waited for his return and prayed for his recovery with no anger, bitterness, or feelings of stupidity for the vast waste of time and money.
Posted by alexandra_k on March 9, 2014, at 15:18:46
In reply to What he could have said, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 13:57:30
oh. it is you. i didn't think that it was.
:-o
well, yes. i think he does owe you more than that. given what you both have been through over the years. hurricane katrina and the like.
Posted by Phillipa on March 9, 2014, at 20:02:18
In reply to What he could have said, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 13:57:30
One of the reasons never really wanted to get involved with therapy all things eventually do come to an end. Maybe he thought this was good time to terminate and took the cowardly way out and did it via email? Phillipa
Posted by baseball55 on March 9, 2014, at 20:04:12
In reply to What he could have said, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 13:57:30
I understand your wanting that. I would want it too. But maybe he is too ill/distracted to write personalized notes.
The sad truth is that we are not part of their personal lives and, when personal problems force them to abandon their professional lives, they abandon us. That's the reality. We do matter to them in their professional lives. They are gratified by their work. They like, care about, even love us as patients/clients. They really do. But once the professional relationship is over/on-hold, that's it.
I know my p-doc, if he had a stroke, cancer or something, would probably just arrange to have a colleague call his existing patients to let them know he was out of commission or closing his practice. He wouldn't email, thankfully, since we don't do email and he doesn't have my address.
And that would be that. I doubt I would even be informed if he died, except weeks after the fact. It's so sad and hard and unfair and it pains me to think about. But it's the reality of the relationship.
> "Dinah,
>
> I'm so very sorry I have not been able to contact you until now. Unfortunately, I am out on an emergency medical leave for an undetermined duration while I (undergo chemotherapy) (learn to walk again) (take care of my family member) (am in jail/rehab/unable to make or receive calls or emails). I will contact you when I am able to schedule appointments, but it will be a minimum of four months - probably more.
>
> I know that therapists aren't washing machines, and I won't belittle twenty years of building a therapeutic relationship by advising you to carry on your treatment with a new therapist. But if you need support or assistance, or if you need to process my leaving, I hope that you will contact one of the therapists whose names I gave you. I really think they will be a good fit for you. If they aren't available, xxxx of xxx at (xxx)xxx-xxxx is available for my clients.
>
> This is absolutely not a rejection of you or of our years together. I don't know when I might be able to come back, but I very much regret having to do this and I don't do it lightly."
>
> If he said that, leaving out the "continue your treatment" and "new and current clients", and adding a bit more personalization without adding significantly more words I'd have probably been very upset but waited for his return and prayed for his recovery with no anger, bitterness, or feelings of stupidity for the vast waste of time and money.
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 23:22:04
In reply to Re: What he could have said » Dinah Seeks Support, posted by baseball55 on March 9, 2014, at 20:04:12
I'd do better than that myself, with people I work with. So would my husband, he says.
Just because someone isn't part of your personal life doesn't mean you should treat them as negligible.
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 23:23:50
In reply to Re: What he could have said » Dinah Seeks Support, posted by Phillipa on March 9, 2014, at 20:02:18
It would be going rather far to change his answering machine message to get rid of just me. I seriously doubt he did that. And no matter how hurt I feel, I must confess that he never would do anything *that* professionally dishonorable.
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 23:28:27
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave » Dinah Seeks Support, posted by Twinleaf on March 8, 2014, at 10:00:06
I think I might. If only to make sure he's ok. Or maybe not. If he contacts me at all, I'll assume he's ok.
I'm not primarily feeling angry at the moment. Just sad for him and regretful that I hadn't already quit.
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 23:33:34
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave » Dinah Seeks Support, posted by 10derheart on March 8, 2014, at 19:49:23
How I feel changes from moment to moment.
I begin to think that long term therapy is bound to leave us in pain. The question is whether the benefit outweighs the pain. At the moment I doubt that.
But I don't really need him so much anymore. Maybe not at all, at least not unless something catastrophic happens. I could use him at the moment.
Is that due to his beneficial effect on me? Or is it just menopause?
Did your therapist do more harm than good?
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 23:37:02
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave » Dinah Seeks Support, posted by Partlycloudy on March 8, 2014, at 21:17:19
Thanks, PC.
I was planning to contact him and see if I could at least discover more. Learning more would help the pain. Even if I learn the worst.
But now I have heard my therapist on the phone, and know he's not lying unconscious somewhere, I don't really feel the need. Whatever it is, he doesn't want me to know. So why should I want to know. Why should I let him be important to me?
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 23:38:44
In reply to Re: What he could have said, posted by alexandra_k on March 9, 2014, at 15:18:46
Who else would I be? Is there someone else who has a 20 year therapist who would do what mine did?
Posted by Twinleaf on March 10, 2014, at 9:40:27
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave » Twinleaf, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 9, 2014, at 23:28:27
This has been such a lengthy, vital relationship. There have definitely been downs before -.most because of his difficulty in dealing responsibly with crises. Still, there was also a natural connection between you two - the good fit that everyone hopes to find in therapy.
Trying to think long-term, if it were me, I would want the chance to work through my anger, hurt and disappointment so that I could leave therapy taking as much as possible of what was good about it with me. I think the good is the same for all of us - the sense of connection, the feeling that he "gets" you, that the time with him has strengthened your sense of self so that you can live a fuller life on your own.
If it's eventually possible to go back, and you give it a try, you might still find the therapist you liked and connected with. Anger and hurt doesn't last forever. It would be wonderful to be able to leave, taking the good things with you. It sounds as though you were getting close to the point of leaving, but perhaps had not discussed it with him.
I am in that process now, and the loss is very hard to deal with. I think anger is only a small part of it. I keep going through every possible negative and positive emotion over and over, but, because he is with me on all of this, I feel I am leaving therapy stronger, no longer seriously depressed, and in awe of the power of a good therapeutic to heal relationship wounds of the past. Get me on a discouraged day, though, and I might not have a single good thing to say!
Posted by Twinleaf on March 10, 2014, at 10:36:05
In reply to Re: My therapist on extended leave » Dinah Seeks Support, posted by Twinleaf on March 10, 2014, at 9:40:27
I don't think you would have stayed so long with him unless you had what Allan Schore describes as the essential heart of effective therapy - a good right brain to right brain connection, or, in other words, a good unconscious emotional connection. It wasn't perfect, just as it never is between parents and children, but there must have been a lot that was meaningful for you, that you somehow kept finding with him.
There is such exciting new research showing that this type of interpersonal connection actually builds new neuronal connections in our right hemispheres, hippocampuses and amygdalas which help us become able to regulate our own emotional distress more easily - just what would have happened naturally if we had had more attuned parents.
Having shared a part of your life for the past 10 years, I have a sense that you have been accomplishing this in therapy, and indeed were becoming ready to leave him. Do you think the same?
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 10, 2014, at 18:01:44
In reply to Some further thoughts... » Twinleaf, posted by Twinleaf on March 10, 2014, at 10:36:05
The person who called me back from the referral agency said, of course, that she wasn't authorized to tell me anything. But she did tell me he wasn't dying. If I read my tones right, which I may well not, she sounded rather dry.
So at least all I have to mourn is the dead relationship, and I don't have to feel guilty about doing it.
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 10, 2014, at 18:02:44
In reply to He's not dying » Twinleaf, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 10, 2014, at 18:01:44
Posted by Twinleaf on March 10, 2014, at 18:53:18
In reply to He's not dying » Twinleaf, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 10, 2014, at 18:01:44
There's nothing worse than just a tiny amount of information!
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 10, 2014, at 19:28:32
In reply to Re: He's not dying » Dinah Seeks Support, posted by Twinleaf on March 10, 2014, at 18:53:18
I'm actually surprisingly buoyant. Don't ask me why. Something about the way she answered allowed me to create an entire believable scenario that suits my mind quite well. Even if I've made it entirely up, it makes me feel less rejected. Even if I think it's unforgivable not to make "not dying" clear from the start.
Or maybe I'm just glad he's not dying and is probably not grievously ill, not physically or terminally at least. He may be flawed as a therapist-mommy, but I didn't want to think he was dying. He may have hurt me over and over again, but I do dearly love him.
This might be the giddy relief to hear he's not dying, and I may feel bitter in an hour or two. I seriously doubt I'll ever hear from him to schedule another session. No matter what, I've lost a relationship that meant a lot to me. That's something I'll probably grieve for a very long time.
Posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 10, 2014, at 19:38:28
In reply to Re: He's not dying » Dinah Seeks Support, posted by Twinleaf on March 10, 2014, at 18:53:18
I meant to ask. It sounds as if you too are heading towards a parting. Was it your idea?
Posted by Twinleaf on March 10, 2014, at 21:15:31
In reply to Re: He's not dying » Twinleaf, posted by Dinah Seeks Support on March 10, 2014, at 19:38:28
Yes. He's retiring. But, truthfully, I think I was getting towards the end of the therapy. Things were generally more stable and calm, the depression either absent or at most mild, and he wasn't so very important to me emotionally any longer. I feel I got a lot out of it, but still, it does feel like a terrible loss. One just never wants these relationships to end!
Overall, we are definitely doing OK - the actual ending time is June. What will I ever write to Babble afterwards??,
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